Tag: Walker

Herschel Walker Cold Open

Mitch McConnell… James Austin Johnson

John Cornyn… Mikey Day

Marsha Blackburn… Cecily Strong

Herschel Walker… Kenan Thompson

[starts with Mitch McConnell, John Cornyn and Marsha Blackburn having a meeting]

Mitch McConnell: Well Senator, Republicans face an uphill battle on Tuesday.

John Cornyn: I know. Obama was just in Georgia campaigning for the other guy.

Marsha Blackburn: Did you see it? It was like a comedy central roast up there.

Mitch McConnell: I figured guy could use some help. Send him in. Herschel Walker!

[Herschel Walker walks in]

Herschel Walker: Hey there. Mitch McDonald’s. I’m sorry I’m late. I was having too much fun in a free merry go round y’all got out front.

Mitch: That’s a revolving door, Herschel. Have a seat.

John Cornyn: Great job on your campaign. Hershel.

Marsha Blackburn: Yes, excellent.

Mitch McConnell: You remember, former majority whip Senator John Cornyn?

Herschel Walker: No.

Mitch McConnell: Of course, Marsha Blackburn. senator from Tennessee.

Herschel Walker: Oh, Your Highness.

Mkey: Well, Herschel, the midterms wasn’t the red wave we hoped for but we think you can win this Tuesday.

Marsha Blackburn: Yes. The priority now is to get out the vote because you got this big runoff coming up.

Herschel Walker: Oh, well, I’m good at those. My ex wife said all I do is run off.

John Cornyn: No, Herschel, the Georgia run off. The polls show it’s very close.

Herschel Walker: Oh, how close?

Marsha Blackburn: Oh, so close, Herschel. Warnock is polling at 50.9%. You are polling at 49.1.

Herschel Walker: Well, then the first priority is to figure out which number is bigger.

Mitch McConnell: Well, the election is this Tuesday, they’ve already started counting votes by mail.

Herschel Walker: Right. But you gotta remember, they still got to count votes by female.

John Cornyn: Sure, but we wanted to talk to you because this runoff is really important, Herschel. We could really use a win right now.

Herschel Walker: Well, you can count on me. I came to two S and kicked bubble gum, and I’m all out a gubble bum.

Mitch McConnell: There’s already three days left. We want to be really careful. And you’ve had some scandals already. Is there anything else we should know in the final stretch?

Herschel Walker: What do you mean?

Marsha Blackburn: Like bad things from your past that maybe people don’t know yet?

Herschel Walker: Oh, yes, definitely. Yes. So many.

Marsha Blackburn: Well, I hate to ask, but can you tell us some of them?

Herschel Walker: Let me see, where do I start? Okay, so there’s this pretty lady that works at the McDonald’s. Right? So I went down there… [the clock’s shows one hour has passed] Anyway, she didn’t want to keep it so I drove it down to the planned Parent Trap.

Marsha Blackburn: Wow, that’s a lot.

Mitch McConnell: I’m gonna be honest. For sure. This might be tough.

Herschel Walker: Oh, don’t worry. I’m feeling very confident about this erection.

John Cornyn: Don’t you mean election?

Herschel Walker: I do not.

Marsha Blackburn: Maybe in the final push, let’s lay low and focus on the message.

Herschel Walker: Exactly. Just like Kanye.

Marsha Blackburn: No, no. On the issues people care about. Inflation, crime…

Herschel Walker: Vampires, werewolves. They’re scary little GEICO Gecko. We’re gonna be looking into all of that.

Marsha Blackburn: Right? So maybe less of that. Or even better, none of that.

Herschel Walker: Really? Because that’s like 90% of my next speech.

Mitch McConnell: Right. Herschel, can we have a moment alone?

Herschel Walker: Oh, sure. You can toss a blanket right over me and I fall asleep like a parakeet.

Marsha Blackburn: Okay. Well, that sounds great. [Marsha Blackburn puts a blanket on Herschel Walker] Night, night.

[Herschel Walker is snoring]

John Cornyn: Well done. So just to be clear, our last hope to win this year is Herschel Walker?

Marsha Blackburn: Yeah, so plan B.

Mitch McConnell: I don’t think we have no choice.

[Marsha Blackburn pulls out the blanket]

Herschel Walker: [talking in sleep] Come on, girl. Don’t take that name for no Big Mac. [wakes up] Oh, I’m sorry.

Mitch McConnell: Hershel, get up. I’m gonna show you something very exciting.

Herschel Walker: Oh, yeah, sure.

Mitch McConnell: Why don’t you take a look up in there?

[Mitch McConnell opens a hugs door size safe]

Herschel Walker: Oh, wow. Look, there’s a little room.

Mitch McConnell: That’s right. It used to be my panic room. Now. It’s all yours just till Election Day.

Herschel Walker: Well, wait, why am I already in there?

Mitch McConnell: Oh, that’s a mirror Herschel. Go on ahead. We got everything you need in there. Get in there.

Herschel Walker: Look at that. They got Lunchables in here and everything.

[Herschel Walker walks in and Mitch McConnell shuts the door]

Mitch McConnell: it’s only for a few days. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update Devon Walker on Adjusting to New York City

Michael Che

Devin Walker

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Season 48 is underway and things are going well. Here to talk about how he’s adjusting is our new cast member, Devin Walker.

[Devon Walker slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Devon Walker: Thank you for having me, Che.

Michael Che: Anytime, man. So how’s this whole experience been for you, man? You diggin New York?

Devon Walker: Not really. If I’m being honest, I think New York’s a little overrated.

Michael Che: Wow. Where are you from?

Devon Walker: I’m from Texas.

Michael Che: Oh, Texas.

[cheers]

Devon Walker: What? You know, I mean, honestly, don’t do that. Don’t do that. I hate how New Yorkers talk about where I’m from. All right? Every single time I tell the New Yorker I’m from Texas, they apologize to me like I fought in a war. Every single time, they’re like, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry that happened to you.” They’ll say stuff like that. And it’s like Texas isn’t a perfect place. But every single time I step outside of my apartment in New York, I see the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And that’s a normal thing to see. All right? Like, one time I saw a kid get into a fistfight with a bird. And the bird was winning. I told my homies from the neighborhood what I saw him, he goes, “Oh, that’s just Mike.” That’s what he said. And I know if he was talking about the kid or the bird. If you saw that in Texas, they’d shut Texas down forever, alright? Nobody would go to school or anything. They just hang out at home until the vibes got right again.

Michael Che: Well, you just got here. I’m sure you’ll start to fit in.

Devon Walker: Alright, speaking of fitting in, can I ask the audience a question real quick?

Michael Che: Okay.

Devon Walker: Hey, guys. Y’all think I look like a catcaller?

Audience: Yeah.

[laughing]

Devon Walker: I don’t think I look like one, but ever since I moved here, every time I see a dude who’s doing a cat call, we have on the exact same outfit. Sometimes I pass woman on the street and I see them look at me and they go like that. They try to dodge me real quick. And I know why it happens. All right? I’m a large man. Large men be responsible for a lot of bad things historically. But I’ve been trying to figure out how to communicate to these women that I’m not going to do anything weird. So anytime one tries to avoid me, I’ve just been whispering like “Ay, baby girl. Don’t worry about it. I’m regular.”

Michael Che: Why are you whispering?

Devon Walker: I don’t know, man. My body’s big. I’m trying to make my voice little, okay? It’s hard out here.

Michael Che: You might be overthinking it, Devin.

Devon Walker: I don’t think I am. Alright. Look, watch this. Watch this. Hey, real quick. Were my straight boys at? Yeah, morale is real low right now. If I would have asked that question in 1996, the building would have exploded. 30 Rock would just be gone because the hetero boys brought it down. we get a lot of bad press right now. We get a lot of bad press. I think we can change it. I think we got to do a culture shift. I think that’s what we need. I think all of us need to try to be a little bit more gay.

Michael Che: Say what now?

Devon Walker: I said what I said, Michael, all right? Our culture is bad. We need to shift. Every single year 37 of my homies invite me to be in a fantasy football league. And I don’t think the straight communities knows that we don’t have to do that. I just want my brothers to be free. Next time one of my homies asked me if I’m drafting Tom Brady, I swear I’ll be like, “Nah, dog, I’m trying to kiss you on the lips actually.”

Michael Che: Devon Walker, everybody.

Devon Walker: I’m gonna kiss Michael Che.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Mitch McConnell and Herschel Walker on 2022 Midterms

Michael Che

Mitch McConnell… James Austin Johnson

Herschel Walker… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last month, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell expressed concern about Republicans chances in the midterms blaming candidate quality. Here to explain what he meant is Mitch McConnell and Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker.

[Mitch McConnell and Herschel Walker slide in]

Mitch McConnell: Alright Che. Pleasure, pleasure.

Herschel Walker: Yeah, let’s go team. Alright.

Michael Che: So Herschel, you’re a former NFL player?

Herschel Walker: Yes.

Michael Che: With no political experience.

Herschel Walker: That’s right.

Michael Che: And you were caught lying about having three secret children?

Herschel Walker: Yes, sir.

Michael Che: So Senator McConnell, do you really think this guy’s ready to be a senator?

Mitch McConnell: It doesn’t matter what I think. It matters what I say and I’d say go Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker: Ay, well, I love you too, Mitch Mechanic. You see, we not so different. Me and Mint are like two peas in a bag.

Mitch McConnell: All right, well, Herschel, you already said some pretty bizarre things that they’ve got some Republicans worried. I mean, for example, you said “Our good air decided to float over to China’s bad air. So when China gets our good air, the bad air got to move out.” What does that mean?

Herschel Walker: Oh, Che. I’ll slow down so you can understand. We all know air, right? Air bud, Air Jordan, Erin Brockovich.

Mitch McConnell: Indeed.

Herschel Walker: You see, science don’t understand. Everybody’s talking about climate. But what we really should be focusing on is putting Hawaii closer.

Mitch McConnell: Oh, yeah.

Herschel Walker: Bring that climate over here.

Mitch McConnell: That’s a good idea. How about that?

Herschel Walker: They don’t need it. They live. So, that’s something we need to look at very, very closely. Right Bish?

Mitch McConnell: Right. It’s Mitch.

Herschel Walker: Yeah, that’s exactly.

Mitch McConnell: Yeah.

Michael Che: Okay, well, Senator McConnell, I gotta ask. What qualification does this guy actually have to be in the Senate?

Mitch McConnell: There’s too many to name. First of all, he played football. And Georgia loves football.

Herschel Walker: Everybody loves football, baseball. In fact, man, catching balls is what makes us different from apes. Okay?

Mitch McConnell: That’s right.

Herschel Walker: Listen, if we come from apes, why are there still apes out there? Riddle me that Obama Michelle.

Michael Che: What are you talking about? Do you have any real policy proposals?

Herschel Walker: Of course, I do. You know what I wrote a few down for Mitchell on the way over here. Here, go ahead. Read that data. Mitch.

Mitch McConnell: Sure. Proposal number one, barbecue Tuesday.

Herschel Walker: There it is.

Mitch McConnell: Number two, let’s get a daytime moon, that way no more rain.

Herschel Walker: Boom.

Mitch McConnell: And number three, create a department of Instagram booty. Too many girls out here faking their cake.

Herschel Walker: You’re damn right.

Mitch McConnell: You know what? You know what, Herschel? Why don’t you just tell them about yourself?

Herschel Walker: Oh, okay. Yeah, thank you Stitch. I don’t mind if I do. Where’s my camera? Is it down here?

Michael Che: No, it’s right there, man. It’s there.

Herschel Walker: Oh, okay. Hi, America. My name is Herschel Bershell. And I play football for the US Senate. Whenever I’m in hard times, I think of the strength of our founding fathers. George Carver Washington, the Jeffersons, and Benjamin Frankenstein. They changed the world when they got together and wrote the Bible. And when I’m the government, we gonna see. Thank you.

Michael Che: Okay, Mitch McConnell and Herschel Walker, everybody.

Herschel Walker: We’re gonna be looking into that.