Walking Dead Chappelle’s Show

Dave Chappelle

Negan

Tyrone Biggums

Andy Johnston

Donnell Rawlings

Chuck Taylor

Lil’ Jon

Clayton Bigsby

[Starts with Dave Chappelle in the SNL stage]

Dave Chappelle: You know, gang, all week long people have been asking me if I was going to do any characters from Chappelle show tonight. And at first, I wasn’t going to. And then, I saw that episode of Walking Dead where they smash this guy Glenn on head and killed him… I know, it was devastating, coz I love that show and Glenn was one of my favorite characters. So, I was like, frust. So, in that spirit and with that in mind, I hope you enjoy this.

[Cut to Walking Dead video bumper] [Cut to a man walking and whistling. There are few other men there.]

Negan: I just cannot decide. [He has a baseball bat with throned wire on it] Which one of you is gonna dance with death tonight. [There are few men on their knees before Negan] Wait, I got an idea. Bubblegum, bubblegum in a dish, how many pieces do you wish?

[Cut to Tyrone Biggums scratching his neck]

Tyrone Biggums: Bubblegum? I’d like two please. My mouth feels dry

Negan: Oh, he’s a feisty one. I like that.

Tyrone Biggums: Well, with all due respect, Mr. Negan, in my line of work, when you’re on your knees, they won’t give you bubblegum. They give you penis.

Negan: Shut up!

Andy Johnston: A nigga named Negan. I think you look more like a Stephane. Your face looks like Nigro league.

Donnell Rawlings: [laughing] Stop it, you’re killing him.

Andy Johnston: Them some ugly ass boots you got on there. As the white boys say on the internet, what… are those?

Negan: Something funny to you, Drippy? Dry and brittle jerry curl. Disgrace! [looks at another man] Look at this pasty bastard.

Chuck Taylor: Oh god, no. [starts crying]

Andy Johnston: God! Have some god damn respect for yourself.

Negan: Man the fuck up.

Chuck Taylor: What do you want? Money? Sex? Sex, isn’t it?

Tyrone Biggums: I’ll try some sex.

Chuck Taylor: I have a wife.

Lil’ Jon: What?

Chuck Taylor: I have a wife.

Lil’ Jon: What?

Chuck Taylor: I have a wife.

Lil’ Jon: Okay.

Chuck Taylor: Come on, man! All lives matter. All of us, right?

Andy Johnston: No, black lives don’t.

Lil’ Jon: Kill us for what?

Negan: Well, well, well.

Clayton Bigsby: I know that smell in a way. Frustration and cocoa butter. Looks like we got us a negro monsters. Put that down, monkey!

Negan: Monkey? Don’t you realize you’re black?

Clayton Bigsby: Yeah. For what I hear, this hat will say otherwise. [wears Trump’s ‘make America Great Again’ red hat] Trump’s America now, boy.

Chuck Taylor: [whispering] It sure is.

Negan: Well, I stand corrected. Seems like a lot of you still got some fight in you. It’s good. I like that. Makes it more fun. You can breathe, you can blink, you can cry–

Lil’ Jon: Hah?

Negan: Yeah. A lot of you will be doing some of that.

Tyrone Biggums: Nice.

[Negan hits Tyrone Biggums’s head off his body.] [Tyrone Biggums’s head falls down on a rock. He’s still looking at Negan.]

Hey, Negan, which one of us are you going to hit? The suspense is killing me.

Negan: Taking it like a champ.

[Negan hits Tyrone Biggums’s head with the bat, but his head rolls away.]

Tyrone Biggums: Strike one.

Lil’ Jon: Yeah.

[Negan hits Tyrone Biggums’s head with the bat again, but his head rolls away.]

Tyrone Biggums: Strike two. Gotta be faster. Body! Help me out!

[Tyrone Biggums’s body runs and picks his head up.]

Andy Johnston: Note to self, remind me to try crack.

Tyrone Biggums: As long as we as a nation begin to heal, through laughing together. [everything disappears and we can only see his head on blue background.] For even though our country seems irrevocably severed like a man from his head, let my example prove that we should continue to move forward. Let us see ourselves in one another. For only empathy can conquer hate. I am every man. I am every woman. It’s all in me. Everything you want done baby, I do it naturally.

[Cut back to Tyrone Biggums’s body holding his head]

Now let’s break out, y’all. I only got two months until they take away my health care. Body, if you will?

[Tyrone Biggums’s body starts running with his head in his hands.]

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on The Walking Dead Season Finale (ft. Norman Reedus)

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Norman Reedus

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Over a 15 million people tuned in to the hit zombie drama, The Walking Dead this past Sunday. Here to give us a spoiler free recap of that big season 5 finale is our own resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey, Colin.

Colin Jost: How is it going, Pete? So, now, what did you think of this big Walking Dead finale?

Pete Davidson: It scared me, Colin. It scared me bad. I’m kind of like freaking out right now.

Colin Jost: You are? Well, just take it easy. I mean, it’s just a show.

Pete Davidson: Is it? Or is it a glimpse of our near future? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I don’t know if you know this, but sometimes I smoke a little weed.

[Cut to Pete Davidson an Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah, yeah. We know. Because we have noses.

Pete Davidson: Ah! Then you see my problem. [Cut to Pete Davidson] The zombie apocalypse is coming and odds are I’m gonna be stoned when it happens. Especially if it happens during the hours of day time or night time. So, this is not gonna go well. First off, it will probably take me hours… for me to even notice what’s going on. I’ll be like, “Wow. Ms. Kar Michael from downstairs can’t keep her hands off me today. But hold up. Isn’t she like, 88? And hold up, didn’t she like used to have a jaw? And hey, remember jawbreakers? I love that candy. Candy, sugary sweet.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson an Colin Jost. Colin Jost is clueless.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. And then what happens?

Pete Davidson: I don’t know. That’s the problem. I’ll probably be wandering around in search of candy and I’ll stagger in to like, some survivor’s camp, and then they’re gonna shoot me, Colin.

Colin Jost: No, they’re not gonna shoot you.

Pete Davidson: When I’m high, it’s really easy to mistake me for a zombie, you know? [Cut to Pete Davidson] My eyes are glazed and bloodshot. I’m sluggish. I’m hunched over and shuffling coz that’s how I walk normally.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you know Pete, if you’re that worried about it, you could always just stop smoking pot.

Pete Davidson: I came to you for help, Colin. Alright? There’s a zombie apocalypse going on and you’re being a real ass.

Colin Jost: Well, I think you’re being kind of paranoid. And honestly, I have to ask, did you smoke a little before you came out here? Is that what happened?

Pete Davidson: [smiles] Maybe! Are you wearing three different kinds of hair product?

Colin Jost: Maybe. Listen, there’s nothing to worry about Pete. Okay? I’m sure you would never be mistaken for a zombie.

[Pete Davidson turns towards Colin Jost]

Pete Davidson: Really? You sure?

Colin Jost: Yes, sure. I’m positive.

Pete Davidson: Coz I’m like, really worried about it. I hope not–

Colin Jost: Absolutely. I think you’re totally fine.

[Pete Davidson gets shot by an arrow.]

Pete Davidson: Ouch!

[Norman Reedus walks in]

Norman Reedus: Don’t worry, don’t worry! [talking to Colin] You gotta be careful buddy, he was about to go for your throat.

Colin Jost: No, no, no. Daryl Dixon, he’s not a zombie.

Norman Reedus: Really?

Colin Jost: Ya.

Norman Reedus: What about this complexion? Ain’t no living thing got that color. And he’s so slow moving. I’m confused.

Pete Davidson: It’s just good weed, man!

Norman Reedus: So, wait a minute. You telling me I just shot an ordinary person?

Colin Jost: Ya!

Norman Reedus: Huh! What about that dude in the elevator?

Colin Jost: Where in the elevator?

Norman Reedus: Never mind.

Pete Davidson: I’d just like to point out that there’s an arrow in my chest. And I feel no pain coz this weed is fire!

Norman Reedus: You’re gonna be fine, buddy! Come on, walk it off.

Pete Davidson: Ay, you’re the dude from The Boondock Saints!

Norman Reedus: And you’re the dude who’s gonna show me where that weed is. Come on!

Colin Jost: Yeah! Pete Davidson and Norman Reedus, everyone!

[Pete Davidson and Norman Reedus leave]