The Naomi Show

Naomi.. Gal Gadot

Vanessa… Aidy Bryant

AJ… Heidi Gardner

Wall… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with The Naomi Show intro] [Cut to Naomi in her set]

Naomi: Welcome back to Naomi. Today, we’re talking to moms about their terrible teens. Our next guest is Vanessa Rogers who is having a problem with her daughter.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa, how are you?

Vanessa: Real bad, Naomi. AJ is 13. And she’s physically abusive, she curses, she calls our minister a bitch. And I found so many straws in her room. I don’t know if they are used for drugs but they scare me. Okay? I blame myself coz she has no father figure.

[Cut to Naomi]

Naomi: Vanessa, I’m going to help you today. Today’s children sit around and play video games. Where I’m from, we had to grow up tough. And it sounds like AJ needs some tough love. AJ, come on out.

[AJ walks in with hands full of straws. The audience booing.]

AJ: Oh, screw you all. Go on. Go on. Hate on me. You know, y’all are jealous of me and my straws because you don’t even know what I use them for.

Naomi: Okay. That’s enough. AJ, take a seat. [AJ sits beside Vanessa] We’ve been talking to your mother and it sounds like you’re out of control. This has to stop today.

AJ: Naomi, I run things so much in my house that sometimes she calls me mom.

Naomi: Vanessa, is that true?

Vanessa: On occasion, yes.

Naomi: Well, on my show, no one gets bossed around. AJ, meet sergeant Wall.

[sirens] [Wall walks in]

Wall: Well, well, well. What do we have here? You must think you bad, huh? [Wall grabs AJ by her hand and pulls her front roughly] You wanna get you act together, young lady?

AJ: Nah!

Wall: You wanna be good in school?

AJ: Hah, nah!

Wall: What about that woman right there? Do you love that woman? You love her, right?

AJ: No.

Wall: You need to learn some respect. There is an opening in my boot camp for the next eight weeks. You can come live with me. Do you want me to be your daddy?

AJ: Yes, sir.

Wall: What?

AJ: yes, sir. I want you to be my daddy.

Wall: You do? You sure you want me to be your daddy?

AJ: Yeah. I have no daddy. But wait. Now, I do have a daddy. You are my daddy.

Wall: Well, I mean, you know, let’s just–

Vanessa: Oh, wow, this is not what I expected.

Naomi: This is obviously what AJ needs.

AJ: Tyler, Regan, all my friends watching at home, meet my dad!

Naomi: We are witnessing a live adoption, ladies and gentlemen.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to 5 in audience]

5: Um, excuse me. Excuse me. I work for the state and we’d love to help. We can make this done today. Hah?

[cheers and applause]

Wall: No. I think that might set a bad example. We should try to go through the proper channels.

AJ: Um, dad, I think we did. Because you just said you’re my dad, dad!

Vanessa: It is so good to have a man around the house again. And we can figure out the nature of our relationship. But let it be known, sergeant, that my vote is sexual.

Wall: Well, I am already in a relationship.

Vanessa: Okay. Well, then, I will be a side piece.

Naomi: No, no, no. No way. We don’t do that on my show. Sergeant wall, this is your family now. And you are going to treat them right.

AJ: I benefit from boundaries and stability. And dad, I’m happy to say I’m off my straws!

[AJ throws the straws away]

Wall: Okay. Y’all know I’m not really a sergeant, right? I mean, my name is Craig Willis. I’m an actor. You might have seen me on ‘Moesha’.

AJ: We don’t care what your job is, daddy. We love you.

Naomi: This is one of the most wonderful shows we’ve ever had. The birth of a family.

Vanessa:  Well. And, we’re expecting another.

Wall: Oh, damn! Okay.

Naomi: Another teen saved with a little tough love. When we come back, we’ll meet Paul, whose mother says he has never drank a glass of water.


Weekend Update Cathy Anne on Trump’s Border Wall | Season 44 Episode 11

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

Michael che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Well, the government is back up and running. Trump has agreed to a short term deal to end the government shutdown with no wall funding. Here to elaborate, is the love of my life, and the lady who’s always screaming outside of my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne joins Michael Che. Cathy looks like she is a drug addict.]

Cathy Anne: It it ain’t the one that got away? You know what Michael Che? You know what blows my mind the most, I can’t believe all of this is over a damn wall. Right? [Cut to Cathy] Trump wants that wall so bad, you’d think that thing was made of crack. Right? He’s like, [Making impression of a drug addict] “Where’s that wall? Give me that wall. It’s not even that good wall.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Well, he says he wants it for border security.

Cathy Anne: This is basically a wall, right? Let me tell you something. [Cathy gets on the news table] He wants $5 billion for this. Hey! All right, now I did that with two ribs missing.

Michael Che: You you two ribs missing?

[Cut to Cathy]

Cathy Anne: Yeah, I had them taken out because of that Marilyn Manson thing. Apparantly, it’s two ribs if you’re a girl. Spoiler alert, it don’t work. You can’t reach. [Cathy starts smoking] [Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Why, Kathy Anne? Why?

Cathy Anne: You know the only thing a wall can stop, Michael Che? A penguin. Right? [Cut to Cathy] They got those little wings and fat bodies and flipper feet, they can’t fly, they can’t dig. They ain’t getting past the wall. You know, they just keep bumping into it like a Roomba.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: You have a thing against penguins?

Cathy Anne: Yes, I do. Let me tell you something. [Cut to Cathy] This man held people’s pay checks hostage for 35 days for that wall. And then he caved. And he’s pretending like he won. You didn’t win. Just like when I held the bathroom hostage at Arby’s for two days. I didn’t leave because I won. Okay? I left because they threw a smoke bomb through the window and my jeans caught fire. He never got his wall, and I never got to hear Ving Rhames say, “We have your meat, Kathy Anne”.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: That’s all you wanted?

Cathy Anne: Hey, stay focused. We have to have priorities here. Okay? [Cut to Cathy] Mexico ain’t the main reason for Dopiods. We got them through doctors and pharmaceuticals and stuffed up people’s butts in airports. Now, who’s going to check them butts when the TSA is calling in sick because you ain’t paying them for five weeks. And how about food detectors?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: You mean, the FDA?

Cathy Anne: Yes. Okay, and may I remind you, this is after everybody in the country got the runs from eating freaking salad, twice. [Cut to Cathy]  I thought I had it, right? But then I remembered, I don’t eat salad. That’s just my organs. And then, to top all that off, you have to mess with our military, by banning people from service just because you decided they ain’t got the right private parts? Well, let me tell you something, nobody’s ever been thrilled with my private parts. That’s never stopped me from fighting. You want to see?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Hell, no.

Cathy Anne: That’s all right. The point is, he is an addict when it comes to that wall. And I would know, because – I – [Cut to Cathy] and if his addiction is anything like mine, it’s far from over. He’s going to lie to you, steal from your purse, and end up on the wrong side of a lot of glory holes until he gets his wall. Take it from me, Catherine Annette Vanderbilt.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne everybody.