Marrying Ketchups

Marge… Aidy Bryant

Geraldine… Heidi Gardner

Windermere… Adam Driver

Wanda… Cecily Strong

Cholula… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Lily’s Diner. Geraldine is cleaning the table.]

Marge: Geraldine, you okay closing up tonight? I’m meeting Lial for Mad Men trivia┬ánight.

Geraldine: Oh, I love that show.

Marge: Oh, not the show. It’s trivia about the mad men. Like, John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy and the Joker.

Geraldine: Oh. That sounds fun.

Marge: No. It’s more tense and unsettling. But hey, before you go, could you marry the half used ketchups together so they look full?

Geraldine: Yeah. No problem. Have fun, Marge. [Marge leaves] Alright, here it goes.

[Geraldine puts two ketchup bottles together]

[Cut to the ketchup bottles as a man and a woman getting married.]

Windermere: Oh, you look incredible, Wanda.

Wanda: Thank you.

Windermere: No, really. So beautiful. [Wanda turns around] What’s the matter?

Wanda: Nothing. I’m just, um, happy. [sobbing] This is all so wonderful.

Windermere: Wanda, are you crying?

Wanda: No, no. No, I just haven’t opened up in a while and there’s tiny layer of water on the top.

Windermere: Well, listen. I know I’m no aioli, but I’ll good to you Wanda.

Wanda: Windermere, I can’t do this. I can’t marry someone I don’t love.

Windermere: But of course, we love each other. You’re just getting cold bottom of a bottle.

Wanda: Can’t you see? I’m not like you.

Windermere: Wanda, I know you’re only a quarter full and I’m three quarters full. But together, it won’t matter. We’ll just be one full ketchup.

Wanda: No. We won’t. Because I’m not ketchup at all. I’m Catsup.

[Windermere is shocked.]

Windermere: What did you just say?

Wanda: You heard me.

[Wanda pulls the written Ketchup sticker on her off. Underneath, it’s written Catsup.]

Windermere: You’re telling me I’ve been gallivanting around town with some cheap off brand generic ketchup?

[Wanda slaps Windermere]

Wanda: Don’t you dare! You’re not even Heinz, you dirty hunt.

Windermere: You’re really gonna call me a hunt in front of my family?

[Cut to moving ketchup bottles of different sizes]

[Cut to Windermere and Wanda]

Windermere: And to think I trusted you.

Wanda: Oh, you believed what you wanted to believe Windermere. But you knew, deep down, you knew.

Windermere: Alright, look, we can always figure this out. We just need to get rid of that stuff inside you and wait until a real ketchup bottle breaks on the floor, then we’ll scoop up that ketchup and funnel it up into your bottle.

Wanda: I’m sorry. But, I’ve met someone else. His name’s Cholula.

[Cholula walks in and holds Wanda]

Cholula: Hey, what’s up guys?

Windermere: Hot sauce? You’re choosing hot sauce over ketchup?

Wanda: Oh, wake up Windermere! It’s 2023. No one waste precious calories on ketchup anymore. They want spice. They want peppery tang. They want to feel alive for once in their god damn life.

Windermere: Oh, you’re throwing your future away is what you’re doing. Ketchup is a perfect recipe. Do you even understand what umami is? The fifth taste. It’s in here, and that low rent corn seasoning wouldn’t know umami if it bit him in his wooden head.

Cholula: Hey man. It’s a cap. And it’s actually pretty satisfying when you touch it.

Windermere: I can’t believe I almost ruined my family’s recipe by mixing with the lights of Catsup. Mom, dad, Jeremy, Elizabeth, all cousins, let’s go.

[Cut to ketchup bottles of different sizes moving in a line]

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Wanda: Well, Cholula doesn’t need umami because he’s a real condiment. Unlike some people, he doesn’t need me to slap him in the back just so he can perform.

[Cut to Windermere]

Windermere: So, you’ve already been together.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Wanda: That’s right. We even have a packet together.

[Cut to a baby sauce packet making crying sound]

Easy now baby. Go back to sleep.

[Cut to Windermere]

Windermere: Well, Wanda, I hope you’re happy. And I don’t relish telling you this but vinegar and I double teamed an order of fish and chips.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Wanda: I know. I went through you phone and looked at the photos. It looked delicious.

[Cut to Windermere, Wanda and Cholula]

Windermere: Goodbye Wanda.

Wanda: Goodbye, Windermere.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Cholula: Hey, and, um, great menu man! Sorry about all the– their stuff.

[Cut to Windermere]

Windermere: Just treat her right, okay? Better than I could.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Cholula: Aite! Dope!

Wanda: Now, kiss me, Cholula. Kiss me with those sizzling peppery lips.

Cholula: Alright. Just try not to get me in your eyes though.

[Cut to Geraldine playing with a bottle of ketchup and Cholula.]

Geraldine: Muah! Oh, I love you Cholula. Oh, and I love you, ketchup.

[Marge walks in]

Marge: Geraldine. Everything okay in here?

Geraldine: Oh, I — Everything’s fine.

Marge: Just making the ketchup kiss the cholula?

Geraldine: Yes. Sorry.

Marge: Well, I didn’t say stop.

[The End]