Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]
Stock market is plummeting and there’s a threat of a land war in Europe. So, it looks like democrats were right. Joe Biden is the next FDR. President Biden is working to prevent a war between Russia and Ukraine and said a video call with European allies when quote “Very, very, very well.” Okay, the third “very” worries me. You only say that when you’re trying to cover up something like, if Matt Gaetz said “That girl was very, very, very over Colin Jost8.”
Ukrainian officials are saying the repeated warnings of invasion are just causing panic and that panic is the sister of failure. Which is exactly what Lorne said to get us to do this show during a blizzard. Also, am I wrong? I thought Ivanka was the sister of failure. [Picture changes to Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stephen Briar at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Supreme Court Justice Stephen Briar announced that he will retire in June. “We thank Justice Breyer for years of upholding the rights of every American”, said liberals who have been tweeting, “Retire bitch,” for the last year. I sympathize with Briar because I get those same tweets every Saturday night around this time.[Picture changes to Joe Biden]
President Biden promised to nominate the first black woman to the Supreme Court, but I hope it’s not. I hope it’s not because he wants to sniff with new type of hair. That’s why I get those tweets.[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell showing his thumbs up and smiling.]
Senator Mitch McConnell seen here learning that Betty White has died, warned President Biden not to outsource his choice for the Supreme Court to the quote “Radical left”. Coincidentally, a radical left is also what McConnell takes to purposely run over stray dogs.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Glenn Younkin at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Virginia Governor Glenn Younkin has set up a hotline for parents to report schools they believe are teaching critical race theory. Damn, you know you’re racist when you call the cops about a black character in a book. “Yeah, hi, I’d like to report a suspicious black man rafting with a young white hostage.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]
Michael Che: President Biden on Friday traveled to Pittsburgh and promised to rebuild the collapse bridge using funds from his infrastructure bill. While Republicans build a bridge to just lift itself up by its bootstraps.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a chart showing economic growth at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A new report shows that last year the US economy grew at its fastest rates since Ronald Reagan was President. Biden has even started using Reagan’s old catchphrase, “Where am I?”[Picture changes to Melania Trump]
Three items put up for auction by Melania Trump failed to reach the opening bid of $250,000. But Melania is no stranger to finding out something isn’t worth as much as she thought.[Picture changes to Donald Trump]