We Got Brought

Phil… Bowen Yang

Heather… Ego Nwodim

Megan Thee Stallion

[Music video starts]

[music playing]

Phil: [rapping] My friend is going out and I’m tagging along

She’s gonna see some pals she hasn’t seen in so long

Heather: [rapping] It’s my boyfriend’s friend’s birthday and I was free

Will I know people there? He said…

Heather’s boyfriend: You’ll know me.

Megan: My sister’s meeting friends. She said…

Megan’s Sister: You’ll love ’em, I think.

Megan: I said, “I don’t love strangers, but I do like to drink.”

Alexis: Everybody, this is Phil

Phil: Hey, I’m friends with Alexis

Megan’s sister: Guys, this is my sister

Megan: I flew in from Texas

Heather’s boyfriend: And I finally brought my girlfriend

Heather: That’s me, I’m Heather Where did you three meet?

Alexis, Heather’s boyfriend and Megan’s sister: We grew up together!

Phil: Aw, they leave us at the table and they go do a shot

Heather: They ask if we’ll save their seats

Megan: We say, “Sure, why not?”

Phil: But now we’re three strangers that our friends forgot

Megan: Oh-oh

Heather: Uh-oh

Phil: Uh-oh

[Hook]

We got brought
And we don’t know each other
We got brought
So we all have to suffer

We’re all plus-ones just nodding a lot
And we all wanna leave, but it’s only 8 o’clock
We got brought

Megan: It’s hell on earth, but we try to push through
I ask, “Where y’all from?”

Heather: And I ask, “What do you do?”

Phil: And I couldn’t think of a single other question
So I also asked, “Where y’all from?”

Heather: We already covered that.

Phil: Does anyone have another question?

Megan: Okay, so what’s y’all’s trauma?

I make my escape and say I’m going to the bathroom
But this crazy bitch says…

Heather: Oh, I’ll go with you.

Megan: No, you won’t!

Phil: Is she leaving? Nice meeting you.

Now we’re waiting at the bar and no one’s coming by
And if there’s one second of silence then we’ll both die
So I reach into the depths of what I know
And I say, “Did you know there’s only been 25 deaths
at DIsneyland since 1955?”
And she says…

Heather: Only?

Phil: I say, “Never mind.”

I ask, “What neighborhood is your apartment in?”
She says…

Heather: Brooklyn.

Phil: And I say, “Oh, whereabouts in Brooklyn?”
And without skipping a beat she says…

Heather: Oh, the safe part.

Phil: Which was shocking, so I panicked,

and all I could say was…

“Oh good, I love the safe part.”

Heather: Wait, no. I said the south part.

Phil: No!

We got brought!

Megan: Your mutual ones are gone! Your mutual ones are missing!
You’re wandering in a dance club while your friends are reminiscing.

Phil: Where are our friends? Where have they gone?
Why would they bring us here and leave us so long?

Megan: You’re all out of topics and the conversation’s lazy
So you just keep on saying, “That’s crazy.”

That’s crazy

Oh really? That’s crazy
So crazy. That’s crazy
No way, that’s crazy
Wow! Crazy!

Phil: That’s crazy

Heather: So crazy

Phil: Well, it’s nice to meet you. It’s getting late.

Heather: It’s 8:05.

Phil: [screaming] I don’t want to be here anymore!

Heather, Phil and Megan: We got brought!

Whiskers R’ We

Barbara DeDrew … Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of Whiskers R’ We store.]

[Cut to Kate in her home]

Barbara DeDrew: Cats. A cat is a smile with hair. A cat is a friend who can’t stand up. A cat is a friend who has babies in your hamper. Hi, I’m Barbara DeDrew, owner and proprieter of Whiskers R’ We, cat rescue, now online, coz when you’re in quarantine, everyday is Caturday. [giggling]

Since the lockdown, people have been adopting cats at a record rate, meaning the only ones left are real bottom of the barrel nobodies. Let’s meet today’s fee line up.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Rex. Rex is a simple alley cat because all he alley (all he) wants is belly rubs.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Marbles. Marbles keep saying she’s been furloughed but the only job she ever had was licking her ass in the sun. What a jerk.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This little is called Dr. Anthony Meow-ci, because of his curious nature and because I’d have sex with him in a heart beat.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is Coco. She’s a rare havana brown. But most of the time, you can find her having a brown in her litter box.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

[looking at the cat] I know you hate this. I know you didn’t want to be in the commercial. But my small business loan didn’t go through. It went to shake shack. So, please, try harder. Please.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is a Brazilian shorthair which is ironic because she’s a mess down there. I know we’re quarantined but jeez, please have some self-respect.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is called Baxter and he’s got a pretty little secret. He’s really into bdsm. Bitin’ Dem’ Silly Mice.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

[talking to the cat] Are you even trying? You told me you went to NYU drama school but you’re giving me nothing. Nothing at all. Please try harder.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

We call this cat Boots because of the markings on her feet and because she’s a dominatrix specializing in split play and ding dong punishment.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

[talking to the cat] Well, we’re all depressed but sometimes just showing up and doing what you can do is enough. You know?

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Justice Cat-anaugh. Don’t get me started on how much he likes to drink beer. He’s out of control.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Felin-ona Apple. She waits 10 years to drop an album. And by album, I mean poop.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

[talking to the cat] What do you mean you think you’re pregnant? How is it even possible? Oh, for god’s sake, don’t mention it during the commercial. Please.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat. The cat’s face is covered by a mask.]

This is Allan. He’s not wearing a mask because of the virus. He’s wearing one because his teeth are [bleep] up.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is an organ donor. But the way she drinks, nobody’s gonna want that liver.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

[talking to the cat] What do you mean you don’t want to get adopted? You want to stay here with me? Well, that was never part of the deal. I’m sorry.

[Cut to Kate]

So, visit Whiskers R’ We online today. We now do curbside delivery. Order one cat and we’ll leave 10 to 15 on your porch. Except maybe this one. [showing a cat]