Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat
Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon
Willie Geist… Mikey Day
Elijah Cummings… Kenan Thompson
Katty Kay… Claire Foy
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor[News intro playing]
You’re the heartbeat of Georgetown[Cut to Joe, Mika, Willie, and Elijah in a news set]
A faded jeans boy in an Armani town
Joe Scarborough: Good morning, gang. You know, that’s ‘Heartbeat if Georgetown.’ An original rock jam by young up and comer named [pointing at himself] Joe Scarborough.
Mika Brzezinski: You guys, Joe has a band. Wow. Did he ever tell you that, Willie?
Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] Frequently, I saw him play on the view.
Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Oh, yeah, man. Those ladies get it. We blew the roof off that joint until 11:00 a.m.
Mika Brzezinski: Right and afterwards they put it on YouTube and Joe watched it 200 times.
Joe Scarborough: Oh, yeah, baby. Now with us this morning is Shoni’s big boy mascot, Willie Geist.
Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] Good morning.
Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] And our good pals representative Elijah Cummings, who fun fact, [Cut to Elijah] presided over our joyous wedding this past weekend.
Elijah Cummings: Yes, I did.
Willie Geist: [Cut to everybody] Congratulations.[Joe and Mika showing their engagement rings]
Mika Brzezinski: We are married, and now I’m worried my eyes are going to roll back in my head and just stay there.
Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] I didn’t know you were a reverend.
Elijah Cummings: Well, I’m not but I’m black, and my name is Elijah.
Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Pretty good guess. Now, in a few minutes, we’ll talk to BBC world’s Katty Kay. Katty, [Cut to Katty in another news set] how do they say good morning in the UK?
Katty Kay: Good morning.
Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Katty on the right side] Ooh-la-la.
Mika Brzezinski: That’s sophisticated.
Joe Scarborough: Fancy. And I understand you have a huge scoop on Trump’s Moscow project?
Katty Kay: That’s right, Joe. We can now confirm that in July 2016, Donald Trump personally–
Joe Scarborough: [Interfering while Katty speaks] That’s coming up in a few minutes. Thanks, Katty. [Cut to Joe and Mika] And was that an amazing reception that we had this weekend?
Mika Brzezinski: It was wonderful.
Joe Scarborough: Did you like the food, Willie?
Willie Geist: [Cut to Willie] I was not invited.
Joe Scarborough: You were there in spirit, pal. Yep, that’s right, gang. She made an honest man out of– wow. No more living in sin or this guy.
Mika Brzezinski: Oh, my god. Were we really living in sin? You want to confess your sins?[Cut to Joe and Mika face each other and tend to get intimate]
Joe Scarborough: Maybe I do. I’ve had impure thoughts.
Mika Brzezinski: Wow. Then maybe you need to say five hail Mikas.
Joe Scarborough: With pleasure.[Cut to Willie looking awkward] [Cut to Elijah looking awkward] [Cut to Joe and Mika]
Let’s get to the news. The freshman class of 2018 just descended on Congress. And no one is making a bigger splash than a Democrat from New York Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez who joins us now.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: [Cut to Alexandria] Thank you Joe, Mika. Look at me. I’m different.[Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Alexandria on the right side]
Joe Scarborough: Congratulations on your election victory.
Mika Brzezinski: Yeah, well, incredible. You’re only 29. You’ve overcome incredible odds to get a job in Congress.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Well, I’m a millennial. Getting any full-time job is overcoming incredible odds. I’m actually still working for test rabbit.
Joe Scarborough: A second job. You’re going to be pretty busy, Alexandria. You know I was in Congress, and trust me its tough over there.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Joe, [Cut to Alexandria] I worked as a bartender in a Mexican restaurant like 11 minutes ago. This job is a freaking breeze. We get Saturday and Sunday off. I can sit down whenever I want. Changing America’s health care system is going to be Nada.
Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika] Well, I’m glad you’re so optimistic. We’ve read you have gotten a few death threats since being elected.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: [Cut to Alexandria] Listen. I grew up riding the 6 train. I’m used to crazy people yellin, “I’m gonna kill you” for no reason. That’s not a death threat. That’s just a Tuesday in the Bronx. I was born for this.
Joe Scarborough: [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Alexandria on the right side]
Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez thanks for joining us. You know, guys, [Cut to Joe and Mika] I’m still on a high from this weekend. I’m buzzing.
Mika Brzezinski: It was so us.
Joe Scarborough: It was. Sure was. We even wrote our own vows.
Mika Brzezinski: I vowed to hold you as tightly as I hold my java juice.
Joe Scarborough: That’s right. And damned if I didn’t vowed to please, squeeze and tease you.
Mika Brzezinski: And you slid a ring on my finger didn’t you?
Joe Scarborough: I can slide a lot more than that.[Cut to Joe and Mika face each other and tend to get intimate]
Mika Brzezinski: You’re vile.
Joe Scarborough: And you love it.[Cut to Willie shaking his head looking awkward] [Cut to Elijah looking awkward] [Cut to Joe and Mika]
Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski: Partisan politics. Partisan politics.
Joe Scarborough: That’s our safe word. Let’s get to the big story, Katty Kay joins us from Washington where she has breaking news on the Trump investigation. [Cut to Katty] Katty, what do you have for us?
Katty Kay: Joe, we now have definitive proof that Donald Trump ordered–
Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting in the middle while Katty speaks] [Cut to Joe and Mika at the left side and Katty on the right side]
Because Katy, there’s smoke here and have no fire. Trump can tweet however he wants, but the truth will come out.
Mika Brzezinski: Truth always comes out.
Katty Kay: Indeed. And that’s why–
Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting Katty from speaking] I mean what’s this report going to tell us that we don’t know?
Mika Brzezinski: Nothing.
Joe Scarborough: What new evidence even needs to come out?
Katty Kay: It’s funny you should say that–
Joe Scarborough: [Interrupting Katty] I mean the guy surrounds himself with crooks. The only thing we’re missing is a true smoking gun.
Katty Kay: He’s not listening.
Joe Scarborough: And why do even need a smoking gun?
Katty Kay: I can say whatever I want.
Joe Scarborough: We already know this stuff.
Katty Kay: Donald trump a werewolf.
Joe Scarborough: There’s another bombshell every day.
Katty Kay: He’s a gay werewolf.
Joe Scarborough: I mean there’s nothing left to say.
Katty Kay: He’s a gay Mexican werewolf.
Joe Scarborough: Katty Kay, thanks for joining us, always insightful.[Cut to Joe and Mika]
Mika Brzezinski: Wonderful. We’re going to take a break. Here’s more of Joe’s new song “The heartbeat of Georgetown.”
Joe Scarborough: Dig it![Outro plays]