Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update Trump Claims Police Cried at His Arrest Biden Downplays Pentagon Documents Leak

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Jack DeShara.]

The person who allegedly leaked classified Pentagon documents on social media has been identified as Jack DeShara who is a Massachusetts Air National Guardsmen, I assume in a school play. DeShara shared the document in a private social media group that members say started as a place where young men could play war themed video games, bond over their love of guns and post racist memes. And now it’s ruined. It was revealed that just before his arrest, DeShara a contacted the members of his group and said “Guys, it’s been good. I love you all.” And of course his friends all replied, “Gay.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Discord logo.]

Michael Che: The online group DeShara started was named “Thug Shaker Central”. Thug Shaker Central is also what Colin calls Atlanta.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

President Biden is trying to downplay the recent leak of classified US documents that were posted on social media. Because when you’re over 80, a couple of leaks is nothing to be embarrassed about.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: In the interview, Donald Trump claimed that New York police and court employees were crying when they arrested him. Why is everyone in Trump’s stories always crying?

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: People came to me and they saw me and they were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: Very tough, very strong, very powerful men. They were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: They had tears in their eyes, and they were all crying. Everybody was crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: People were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: They were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: These are people that didn’t cry when they were babies. They never cried in their life, and they were crying. A lot of them were crying.

[Cut back to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: Sir, you’re bragging that when people see you, they just like burst into tears. Because it never sounds like excited crying, like when teenagers see like BTS. It sounds more like scared crying like when hostages see Jigsaw.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “States stock pile abortion pill”.]

Michael Che: After a judge’s ruling left access to abortion pills uncertain, some state officials are stockpiling them just in case. Officials like California Governor Gavin Newsom, Massachusetts governor Maura Healy and New York comedian Michael Che.

[PIcture changes to Harlan Crowe and Clarence Thomas.]

After it was revealed that Harlan Crowe bought Clarence Thomas home, Crowe said he did it so he could one day turn it into a museum dedicated to Thomas. It’ll be called “The Sexual Harassment Hall of Fame.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Harlan Crowe and Clarence Thomas.]

Colin Jost: Conservative judges and pundits have defended Thomas by saying that his deals with Harlan Crowe are not corrupt because crow had no business before the court. But come on, does this conservative Christian billionaire strike you as someone who didn’t want them to overturn Roe V. Wade? He looks like he’s on a pamphlet called “Why you have to keep it.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: President Biden traveled to Ireland this week and as being called the most Irish president since Kennedy. In fact, Biden has so much Irish blood that he doesn’t need a drink to slur his words.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dianne Feinstein.]

Colin Jost: Wow. Easy. Senator Dianne Feinstein who is 89 is facing calls to resign from fellow Democrats. But unfortunately Feinstein is answering those calls on her stapler.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tim Scott.]

Michael Che: Republican Senator Tim Scott of South Carolina announced the launch of an exploratory committee for 2024 presidential run. That name again is Tim Scott, as in Tim Scott, no chance of being a nominee.

Weekend Update NYC Hires FirstEver Rat Czar Rescuers Save Lost Hikers on Mushrooms

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Kathleen Karate.]

Michael Che: Kathleen Karate was announced as New York City’s first “Rat Czar,” a title that was formerly known as Miss Staten Island. Loser.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “1000 year old Mayan scoreboard found”.]

Colin Jost: Archeologists have discovered 1000 year old scoreboard used for an ancient Mayan ball game, the score of which was Mayans – 24, New York Jets – 0.

The New York City Department of Sanitation has launched its first campaign in 15 years with messages such as “If you litter, you’re garbage,” which is actually dialed back from the original version “Your litter belongs in the trash next to your whore wife.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Proposed alert system for missing black women and kids”.]

Michael Che: Proposed bill in California would create an alert system for missing black women and kids. This is in addition to the alert system for missing white women and kids, the news. A new report from the CDC shows that in 2021, cases of sexually transmitted diseases jumped by 7% to what experts described as nursing home levels. It’s happening guys.

Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Men exaggerate penis length by 20%.”]

Colin Jost: A new study suggests that the average man exaggerates the length of their penis by more than 20%. But aren’t you supposed to add 20% for tip?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “81 year old women travel the world.”]

Michael Che: Two 81 year old women have traveled the world in 80 days, after the post office lost their ashes.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Rescuers save lost hikers on mushrooms.”]

Colin Jost: A group of hikers in Great Britain had to be rescued when they got lost after taking psychedelic mushrooms. More embarrassing, they never actually left the house.

And police in Australia arrested a man after he was caught at a bus stop masturbating for over an hour. “Australia, where the police let you finish.”

Weekend Update Molly Kearney on AntiLGBTQ Bills in the United States

Michael Che

Molly Kearney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Since the start of this year, over 400 Anti LGBTQ bills have been introduced across the country, many of which directly target trans youth. Here to talk about it as someone with their own introduction.

[rock music playing]

Male voice: Introducing SNL’s first non binary cast member, it’s Molly Kearney.

Molly Kearney: Made it. Thank you Mr. Che.

Michael Che: Molly, what is all this?

Molly Kearney: Well, as you know, I’ve been wanting to come to Update and talk about trans people. But I have for a much longer time than that wanted to fly down from the ceiling.

Michael Che: And did it live up to your expectations?

Molly Kearney: Yeah, but I’m not gonna lie, this harness is pretty tight. my groin area is beef. I’ve been hung up on my genitals for far too long. And I’m starting to feel like a frickin Republican lawmaker. Hello.

Michael Che: Awesome transition. So as of this week, there are now over 14 states that have passed bills restricting health care for trans kids.

Molly Kearney: Listen to that, Michael, restricting Health Care for Kids. For some reason, there’s something about the Word ‘trans; that makes people forget the word ‘kids’. If you don’t care about trans kids lives, it means you don’t care about frickin kids lives.

Michael Che: Wow. Well. I can tell you’re really upset about that.

Molly Kearney: I am. And also my legs are going numb and I might pass out.

Michael Che: Molly, how long were you hanging up there?

Molly Kearney: Longer than I would have liked? I tried to call down but no one could hear me. You know, at one point I heard a crew guys say “Is she gonna die up there?” And then another guy was like, “You mean are they are going to die up there?” And then they looked away and didn’t help. Which feels a lot like how trans people are being treated right now. But don’t worry. We have a code word for emergencies. And it was trans rights. Gosh, good. Golly. That was the code for confetti. My Bad, bud.

Michael Che: that was so loud.

Molly Kearney: Well, yeah. People need to wake up. We’re making trans kids grow up too fast. We should be keeping them safe. And we need to lift them up. Oh, no, not me “them”. I mean, the kids. Che, they got my pronouns right. Let’s go. Wait a minute. Before I go, I want to talk to you. What’s happening kids is wrong, and you don’t need to be scared. Our job is to protect you and your job is to focus on being a kid. It’s kind of like me flying in the SNL sky. There’s a bunch of dudes asking you about your crotch and controlling what and where you’re allowed to be. But if you just hang on, you’ll look up and realize you’re flying, kid. Hey Mr. Che, am I still in the frame?

Michael Che: I mean, your feet are.

Molly Kearney: Good. Trans rocks.

Michael Che: Molly Kearney, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Molly Kearney: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Guru Genesis Fry on Mental Health

Colin Jost

Genesis Fry… Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With mental health struggles on the rise, some Americans are seeking alternative forms of wellness. Here to help is meditation guru, Genesis Fry.

Genesis Fry: Hello, Colin. Join me, won’t you? On a guided meditation to the center of your mind.

Colin Jost: Oh, like right now?

Genesis Fry: Yes, Colin. Colin. Are you ready to meet Colin?

Colin Jost: Oh, I don’t know. I’m scared.

Genesis Fry: Colin Take my hand. And close your eyes.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Genesis Fry: I want you to picture yourself after the show tonight, Colin. As usual fans are taking pictures with Chloe, selfies with Bowen, you step outside and not a single ball flashes.

Colin Jost: Okay, that’s not tur.e

Genesis Fry: Shh. Relax, relax. Relax your arms. Relax your body. Relax your arms. Softer than I imagined. You get into your car without acknowledging your driver. He’s like a sub human creature to you.

Colin Jost: That’s not true.

Genesis Fry: What’s his name, Colin?

Colin Jost: It’s- Let’s just focus on the meditation.

Genesis Fry: You get home and you rewatch tonight’s Update. 21 laughs for Michael, 4 for you. You’re improving, but it’s slow.

Colin Jost: Genesis, come on.

Genesis Fry: Shh. Colin, relax. Relax.

Colin Jost: I’m relaxed.

Genesis Fry: Relax.

Colin Jost: I’m relaxed.

Genesis Fry: Repeat after me. I am Colin Jost.

Colin Jost: I am Colin Jost.

Genesis Fry: I am full of light.

Colin Jost: I am full of light.

Genesis Fry: Everything in my life…

Colin Jost: Everything in my life…

Genesis Fry: Was simply handed to me.

Colin Jost: I’m not saying that.

Genesis Fry: It’s okay, Colin. It’s natural to fight against to break through.

Colin Jost: Right.

Genesis Fry: Give me your hand.

Colin Jost: You’re already holding my hand.

Genesis Fry: I know. Well, it’s so soft. You’ve never done an honest day’s work in your life.

Colin Jost: No. No.

Genesis Fry: Shh, relax. Picture it, Colin. You’re in your dressing room after the show tonight, still fuming about bilingual monologue.

Colin Jost: That would not upset me. No.

Genesis Fry: Shh. You’re so alone. The only person in the world who cares about you is Antonio.

Colin Jost: Who is Antonia?

Genesis Fry: Your driver, Colin. Now Sunday morning, picture it Colin. You’re standing in the NBC gift shop to see if anyone recognizes you.

Colin Jost: Sunday morning?

Genesis Fry: No one does. No one does. Finally, a man notices you. He runs up to you so excited, “Colin Jost! Colin Jost!” he says. And he serves you with court papers.

Colin Jost: Court papers?

Genesis Fry: It turns out someone does recognize you. 32 women to be exact.

Colin Jost: You’re making this up.

Genesis Fry: Repeat after me, Colin. I am Colin Jost.

Colin Jost: I am Colin Jost.

Genesis Fry: I am a star.

Colin Jost: I am a star.

Genesis Fry: If you want to shine like the sun, first you have to burn like it.

Colin Jost: If you want to shine like the sun, first you have to burn like it.

Genesis Fry: You did it, Colin. Yes.

Colin Jost: Wow, I actually love that last quote. Did you just come up with that?

Genesis Fry: No, it’s a famous Hitler quote, Colin. And it’s your new quote too.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Alright. Hitler slash Colin? Genesis Fry, everyone.

Weekend Update Funky Kong on The Super Mario Bros Movie

Colin Jost

Funky Kong… Kenan Thompson.

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The new Mario Brothers movie is a huge hit and many fans were hoping for an appearance from one of the coolest characters in the Mario universe, Funky Kong. So here to talk about it is Funky Kong.

[Funky Kong slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Funky Kong: What’s up, Colin? What’s up, ladies? Yeah. Which one of y’all going home with Funky Kong?

Colin Jost: Okay, alright. How are you doing, Funky Kong?

Funky Kong: Man, I’ve been better. I thought I was gonna be out nobody’s moving they just made $500 million. 600. But this is how much you get to see of me.

Colin Jost: Wow, so you’re just in the background? What happened?

Funky Kong: Man, they cut me out. I guess Funky Kong is too real for them. They don’t want to hear what I got to say. And they sure as hell don’t want to watch me work. Bring it back.

[music palying]

[Funky Kong is dancing]

Colin Jost: Wow, I really am so sorry that you got cut.

Funky Kong: Funky don’t want to be what they want, Colin. Funky don’t throw no barrels. Funky Kong spends his day cruising in my car, dropping off packages of the sticky icky. And I spend my nights with a glass of banana rum and a bed full of toads.

Colin Jost: And now, are toads male or female?

Funky Kong: Funky don’t know, Funky don’t ask.

Colin Jost: It’s really is a shame that you’re not in the movie because your cousin Donkey Kong is a major character.

Funky Kong: Oh yeah, man. Donkey Kong is all up in it. But they ain’t even us Monkey Kong.

Colin Jost: Who’s Monkey Kong?

Funky Kong: He’s a donkey. Man, those Japanese people sure are interesting. Oh man, you know they kicked me off the set?

Colin Jost: What? Why?

Funky Kong: Because I was in my trailer drumming on booty cheeks like Bongo was in the minigame. I was in there like, booty cheeks, titty meat, booty cheeks, titty meat.

Colin Jost: Great. It’s really great. So you were originally in the movie?

Funky Kong: Absolutely. Man. I had a few choice scenes. I was incredible. I even have the whole script right here. Here. Come on. Read this here with me, Colin. I’ll show you what I’m talking about. You’ll be Mario and Luigi. I’m gonna be myself. Paste well.

Colin Jost: Sure. Great. All right, Luigi: We got to get to the castle, but the fastest way is Rainbow Road. Mario: Rainbow Road? We’ll fall off.

Funky Kong: Man, ain’t no bitches in here.

Colin Jost: I can’t believe that’s the original line.

Funky Kong: I told you man. I was dope. Go to page 36, man. The scene with me and Peach.

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah, you and Peach. Princess Peach: Funky Kong, they are holding our friends prisoner in Warrior stadium. Can you help?

Funky Kong: Girl, why don’t you open up that peach and let me see what’s inside?

Colin Jost: Honestly, I can see why they cut you out.

Funky Kong: Come on, Colin. People would have eaten that up, man. You ever had monkey meat?

Colin Jost: Monkey meat? No.

Funky Kong: That’s not what your mamma said last night. Bring it back.

[music playing]

[Funky Kong is dancing]

Colin Jost: Funky Kong, everyone. Funky Kong.

Weekend Update- Rupert Murdoch Calls Off Engagement, Pope Francis Praises Sex

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a boy.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that the average child throws a tantrum four times a week, weeknights on Fox.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rupert Murdoch and Anne Leslie Smith.]

Michael Che: Rupert Murdoch’s engagement to Anne Leslie Smith has been called off apparently. She got cold feet after Murdoch passed his physical.

[Picture changes to Pope Francis]

In a new documentary, Pope Francis praises the virtues of sex calling it one of the beautiful things that God has given to the human person. Not the way I do it. Am I right, Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Woman goes on 34 dates in 20 countries”.]

Colin Jost: No. I hope not. I don’t know. A woman has been traveling the world since she’s gone on 34 first dates in nearly 20 countries. Her secret? She’s being sex trafficked.

A new app called “Greether” is designed to help women travel alone safely by providing people to greet them when they arrive at airports or hotels. And it’s being used for murder.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “YouTube pranker shot”.]

Michael Che: A Virginia man who pranks people for YouTube videos was shot while tricking someone in a mall. Good.

[Picture changes to a Vogue magazine]

A 106 year old woman in the Philippines has become the oldest Vogue cover model ever beating the previous record of 29.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a guy with Hitler mustache.]

Michael Che: A Jeopardy contestant this week was forced to quit social media after people said his mustache looks like Hitler’s. The contestant said he’s so mad, he’s had it up to here. [raising his hand like Hitler salute]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of astronauts. Three are white and one is black.]

Michael Che: NASA has named the four astronauts it will send on the Artemis II mission to the moon, and if things go wrong, I think I know who’s dying first. [Audience awwing] What? He could do the Hitler salute?

Weekend Update- LSU’s Angel Reese on Her White House Invitation

Angel Reese… Punkie Johnson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: There was controversy this week. When LSU basketball star Angel Reese refused an invitation to the White House to celebrate her team’s national championship. But now she has decided to go. So here to comment is Angel Reese.

[Angel Reese slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Angel Reese: Yeah, the Bayou Barbie is in the building. Louisiana, stand tall.

Michael Che: Well Angel, you had quite a week.

Angel Reese: Yeah. I got people big mad. First they were mad because I was taunting. But all I did was this. You would have thought I pulled my nipple out and flicked it on national TV. Then they were mad because I didn’t want to go to the White House. But Che, they invited Iowa.

Michael Che: But they lost.

Angel Reese: Exactly. In the history of sports, when you lose you take your ass home. But then white girls lose. And suddenly it’s all teams matter.

Michael Che: Well, I’m glad you changed your mind. That’d be pretty cool.

Angel Reese: Yeah, it’ll be cool for them. I’m a big deal now, Che. Since college players get endorsements now, ‘m about to cash in. And my brand works for anything. How this sounds, Che? “Degree deodorant. Y’all stank.”

Michael Che: It seems aggressive.

Angel Reese: Okay, how about this one? “Garden Gnomes. Man, get yo little ass out my face.”

Michael Che: That’s a commercial for Garden Gnomes?

Angel Reese: Yeah. If the money right. Now, here’s my favorite. “Big ass eyelashes. Empowering women ballers and snuffleupacus since Angel Reese97Michael Che.”

Michael Che: Well Angel, I’m glad that you’re enjoying the moment.

Angel Reese: Yeah, I am. Look, last week women’s sports was boring. Now all you’re talking about is women’s sports. All this week. Why? Because women is balling right now. Man, I dropped 15 on Iowa. I went hard in the paint. I grabbed about 10 boards without even messing up my eyelashes. The only thing I regret is not getting more buckets. I could have picked that ball up, bounced it off old girl head like I was in the A-one tour. But you know, I was already in foul trouble, so your girl had to chill. And now I’m just sitting back getting all this Baby Gap money.

Michael Che: Why are you endorsed by Baby Gap?

Angel Reese: Because all these bitches is my son.

Michael Che: Angel Reese, everybody.

Angel Reese: You can’t see me. We going back to back. Angel Reese.

Weekend Update- Jafar on Ron DeSantis’ Attacks on Disney

Michael Che

Jafar… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, Governor Ron DeSantis wrapped up his war on Disney after they stopped his attempts to control Disney World’s district. Here to comment is the villain from the movie Aladdin, Jafar.

[Jafar slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Jafar: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hello, Michael. So this is the famous Rockefeller palace.

Michael Che: Okay, so Jafar, as a Disney character, what do you think of Ron DeSantis?

Jafar: You mean the boy? Well Michael, as far as villains go, the boy’s an amateur. He has no rizz, no spark, no drip. The look is giving baby mayor. I mean he did wear those white cowboy boots, but let’s be honest, they wore him.

Michael Che: Well, he might not look the part, but are you saying the sandals isn’t bad enough?

Jafar: Not at all. Don’t get me wrong, the boys plenty evil. I mean, banning Rosa Parks and schools. I’m a dark sorcerer and even I was like “Jesus dude, it’s Rosa Park.”

Michael Che: Yeah, now he’s coming for Disney after their stance against his “Don’t say gay” bill.

Jafar: Ha-ha-ha-ha. If the boy thinks he can somehow prevent Disney World from being gay, that carpet has flown. You know what I mean?

Michael Che: No, I really don’t.

Jafar: I mean, if you opened up Grindr on Main Street USA, your phone explodes. And everywhere else in the park, it’s nothing but 40 year old men with braces. I don’t know what that is, but it ain’t straight.

Michael Che: Or are you saying that you’re-

Jafar: A little light in the loafers? Did my John Water stash not tip you off? Of course I’m gay, you petulant fool. My waist is snatched, my eyeliner on point, my final form is a yolked Genie with goddess nails. And I might grow pony. But yeah, Michael I love cooch.

Michael Che: Yeah, I got it. Well. It seems like DeSantis doesn’t even want anything remotely gay happening at Disney World at all.

Jafar: Ugh. There’s already a gay. There’s already a Disney World where nothing gay happens. It’s called Six Flags. There are lots of them at Disney, Michael. Ursula the lesbian,Scar is bi, and Mulan just got top surgery, congrats to them. Now if I may, I’d like to address the boy, DeSantis. Well, if it isn’t the swamp rat, bravo for attempting to seize our precious land, only to be thwarted once again by the House of Mouse. You pitiful straight, you can try to stop us boy. But we ill outsmart your to every turn. “Don’t say gay?” Well, if there is no gay, there is no Disney. And everyone loves Disney, including you. Because your dumbass got married there. And that’s the gayest thing you can do. Though I’m sorry, Mr. DeSante, the gay shall stay and you stay away.

Where were we, Michael? Oh yes. Your earring. It intrigues me.

Michael Che: No, no. Jafar, everybody.

Jafar: Your wedding was at the Grand Floridian and it was gorgeous. It was a gorgeous wedding.

Weekend Update- Donald Trump’s Arraignment, Marjorie Taylor Greene Slams NYC

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Wall Street Journal logo.]

The Wall Street Journal is calling on Russia to release one of their journalists who was arrested on espionage charges. And I might have the perfect idea for a prisoner swap. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Former President Trump was arraigned on Tuesday and a photographer released this photo of Trump in the courtroom. And I don’t like that he’s flanked by an O.J. amount of lawyers. Because that tells me he’s definitely guilty and that he’s definitely getting away with it. Trump’s lawyer Joe Tacopina, aka Phony Soprano said that he doesn’t think Trump is gonna get a fair trial in Manhattan and I agree. I mean, even the courtroom sketch artist seems to hate him. When he showed up, I thought he looked perfectly nice. He had blended his foundation. He had stapled down his hair. But the guy still drew him like the mud monster from Scooby Doo.

[[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Michael Che: After his arraignment, Donald Trump spoke to supporters at Mar-a-Lago and said there was a very dark cloud over our beloved country, which is also what he used to call Obama.

Insiders are saying that since Donald Trump’s indictment, his daughter Ivanka has been absent, and his other daughter Tiffany is trying to take her place by his side just as soon as she gets through security.

[Picture changes to Marjorie Taylor Green]

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene seen here shouting “Jump you coward,” visited New York to protest the arrest of Donald Trump and called the city filthy, disgusting and repulsive. But as a New Yorker, let me just say you forgot “rat infested.” Don’t ever forget our rats.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Clarence Thomas.]

Colin Jost: A new report claims that for decades, Clarence Thomas and his wife went on luxury trips paid for by Republican mega donor and whitest guy with the blackest name, Harlan crow. Justice Thomas accepted the free trips the same way he approaches working on the Supreme Court with no questions asked. It was also revealed today that Harlan Crowe has a vast collection of Nazi memorabilia including a copy of “Mein Kampf” signed by Hitler. Worse, the signature reads “Dear Harlan, big fan, – Adolf.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of two black men.]

Michael Che: Tennessee Republicans expelled to black lawmakers for protesting gun violence, but did not expel a white lawmaker who protested with them. Republicans said they know what it looks like but they were actually expelled because their skin is black.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ron Desantis.]

Colin Jost: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis who always looks like someone told him to go home and get his shine box signed a bill that allows Florida residents to carry concealed guns without a permit. Because Florida is dangerous and you just never know when someone is going to run up to you and say “Gay.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Joe Biden, Jill Biden and King charles.]

Michael Che: President Biden called King Charles this week to tell him that first lady Joe Biden will attend his coronation, along with her plus one, the Iowa women’s basketball team.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of King Charles.]

Colin Jost: King Charles said that researchers will be given access to Royal archives after it was discovered that his ancestors had shares in a slave trading company. Yeah, it was called England.

Weekend Update- Co-Worker Who’s Extremely Busy Doing Seemingly Nothing on Returning to the Office

Colin Jost

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week, the Labor Department released data showing that more Americans are returning to the office in person. Here to comment is your coworker who’s extremely busy doing seemingly nothing.

[Crystal slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Crystal: Hi. Hi. Oh my god Colin, we’ve got to make this quick because I really got to get back. I gotta get back.

Colin Jost: Oh okay. Well, you just got here, Crystal. And thank you for being here.

Crystal: Icebreaker, icebreaker. Colin, how are you? Don’t answer that. Literally don’t have time to hear your answer. I am so slammed.

Colin Jost: Oh, so what do you do for work?

Crystal: Umm… [showing a bunch of papers] this!

Colin Jost: Wow, okay, well I guess I’d love to get a sense of like what you do in a day.

Crystal: Um, yeah. What don’t I do? Okay. Ask my team. Where are they? On my back. And my phone’s blowing up. I’m in hell.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry that you’re so slammed. Crystal.

Crystal: I need a vacation, but knowing me, I’d bring my work phone, aka, my husband.

Colin Jost: I love that you kissed your phone, but yeah I’m just so curious about what your job is.

Crystal: Colin, to explain it, the level I would have to start at, I literally don’t have the bandwidth. [looking at the papers] Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Okay. Oh my god. [showing a paper to Colin] Look.

Colin Jost: Yeah, this is a sign up sheet for birthday cake.

Crystal: Yeah, yeah. And then bringing Oreo Cheesecake. That ain’t gonna work. There goes my Easter Sunday.

Colin Jost: Why would there go your Easter Sunday?

Crystal: And doo-doo-doo-doo. [throws away her phone] I’m screwed.

Colin Jost: Crystal, can you just tell me one thing you do?

Crystal: Yeah. Okay, look. All right. So look at my spreadsheet, okay? These are all emails I’ve received.

Colin Jost: Great. Thanks.

Crystal: Now you understand?

Colin Jost: No, I don’t. No, I don’t understand. Where do you work?

Crystal: In the weeds.

Colin Jost: Okay. All right. I mean specifically. Specifically. Specifically where?

Crystal: Neck deep.

Colin Jost: No, that is not an answer. What do you do?

Crystal: Well, I’ll tell you what I don’t do. Eat. I haven’t eaten in months.

Colin Jost: Okay. Oh my god. Crystal, you need to take care of yourself.

Crystal: Umm, Kale see czar, my favorite. You know what? It’s kind of nice eating on the table and not on the toilet.

Colin Jost: Do you eat on the toilet?

Crystal: And I got an alert on my salad phone. [pulls a phone out of her food bowl]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. What does it say?

Crystal: I’m screwed.

Colin Jost: Stop throwing things.

Crystal: Keep talking because I am listening. Oh my god. I just pulled my pinky.

Colin Jost: Okay, Crystal, I just saw on your computer that all you have opened as a bunch of tabs for Ann Taylor and Loft.

Crystal: For work, of course. Because I am always here.

Colin Jost: Right. And where? Like, honestly, what do you do?

Crystal: I’m Che’s assistant.

Colin Jost: You’re Che’s assistant?

Michael Che: Hey, Chris is the best.

Colin Jost: Very busy coworker, everyone.

Crystal: I’m screwed.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.