Weekend Update: Harriet Tubman & Buttigieg Dance

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Julia Roberts and Harriet Tubman Biopic’s cover at right top corner.]]

Michael Che: The screenwriter of the new Harriet Tubman Biopic said when he first pitched the movie in the ’90s, a studio executive suggested Julia Roberts play Harried Tubman. I know. Worse, it was going to be called ‘Runaway Bride 2.” I’d watch that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of dress and accessories at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I’m worried about this one now. An auction of Nazi memorabilia was held, which featured items such as Hitler’s top hat and Eva Braun’s dress. And it’s tough to auction off Nazi memorabilia, because everyone always looks like they’re bidding. [picture changes to Nazi army raising their hands.] Thank you. Some applause. I liked it.

[picture changes to Pete Buttingieg]

Pete Buttingieg’s campaign has released a viral dance video set to panic at the disco’s ‘High hopes.’

[Cut to a video clip of people dancing on ‘High Hopes’ at Pete Buttingieg’s campaign.] [Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It’s all part of Mayor Pete’s strategy to get a negative percentage of the black vote.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a note written “Meth. We’re on it.” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: South Dakota’s governor is defending a new anti-meth campaign which features a tagline— “Meth. We’re on it.” Which isn’t as bad as North Dakota’s ad campaign— “Cocaine. We cracked it!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of M&M’s at left top corner.]

Colin Jost:  The maker of M&Ms announced a new vegan chocolate candy made with a plant based alternative. So, I guess the real news here is that apparently regular M&Ms are made of meat.

[Cut to M&Ms commercial]

Announcer: M&Ms; we have the meats.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a black blank picture at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: So dumb. Scientists are working to develop advanced ultra black materials, so dark they absorb 99% of all light. Oh, sure, but when I try to develop ultra black material, [Cut to Colin Jost’s picture of his stand-up show] I’m booed at the Apollo.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Vagina Museum at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new museum is opened in London called the Vagina Museum which focuses on de-stigmatizing female anatomy and if you’re planning a trip, remember, it’s closed one week a month.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update: Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Thanksgiving Dating Tips

Colin Jost

Guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

Guy who knows the owner… Ryan Reynolds

[Starts with Colin Jost in his ‘Weekend Update’ set]

Colin Jost: Guys, I don’t know if you heard, but thanksgiving in next week. Here with his thanksgiving dating tips is a guys who just bought a boat.

[Guy who just bought a boat slides in] [cheers and applause]

Guy who just bought a boat: [singing] Over the river and through my wood

throbble, throbble, and happy spanks-sniffing.

Colin Jost: Oh, god. spanks sniffing? I have not– I’m not complaining but I haven’t seen you out here in a while.

Guy who just bought a boat: True. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] I was out of the game for skosh. I was fighting overseas.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat]

Colin Jost: Oh! You were in the military?

Guy who just bought a boat: No. I was fighting over Cs. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] She wanted Bs, but I said, “Hey, I’m paying for ‘em. Get the cupgrade.”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat]

No. Now, let’s talk turkey. Shall we? [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] Here’s some dating tips for the holiday Sleaze. Okay? If you want your feast to be gas-tag blessed, you better be like my high school—prepped.

Colin Jost: Yeah. [Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat] Just before you go on, can I remind you that thanksgiving is a family holiday, okay?

Guy who just bought a boat:  Sure, I’ll do my breast. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] Now, if you’re at friendsgive and in charge of the turk, don’t be a jerk. Here’s how to make it twerk. Slide some land O’lakes under the skin to make the white meat wet. And bust out the real cranberries and she’s guaranteed to ocean spray. I have a small penis.

Colin Jost: What?

Guy who just bought a boat: Now, [Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat] if you want to get pot-lucky, bring a time tested side to the tabe. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] The right side dish leads to slide fish. Stick the landing and you’ll be like stove top. Stuffing an open bird. And trust me, by then she’ll be saying those magic words, “Just use your finger, it’s bigger.” Remember, mac and cheese leads to rack and squeeze.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat]

Colin Jost: [laughing] What’s going on?

Guy who just bought a boat: And … [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] if you put in the eff before you cornocopulate, everything will be on the menu. Her candied gams. Her vulveeta. Even her green bean asserole. My dong is after myballs.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Guy who just bought a boat]

Colin Jost: Good god, dude.

Guy who just bought a boat: Look. [Cut to Guy who just bought a boat] T-gives is a grande day. Too much for one honcho. So, here to ‘splain the rest is my fra-bra’ from siggie-eps, guy who knows the owner.

[Guy who knows the owner slides in] [cheers and applause]

Guy who just bought a boat: There’s my guy.

Guy who knows the owner: It’s tight to be here, Cojo. I was jut in the Areola.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Guy who knows the owner and Guy who just bought a boat]

Guy who just bought a boat: Whoa.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. This guy is not on my list.

Guy who knows the owner: Please, I know the owner.

[Cut to Guy who knows the owner and Guy who just bought a boat]

Guy who knows the owner: Rule numbero un, this thanksgiving, if you want to move out of the friend zone and into her end zone, pay her a compliment. Like, “Nice cooking”. Or “I’d have sex with you.” Remember, class leads to ass. This dong is huge and it can’t get hard. After the main intercourse, you’ll want to loosen your belt. Because it’s time for a long winter’s fap. Takes three hours. Nothing comes out. It’s a loaf of wet bread. Or play your cards right and she’ll slip off her loubou-t pumps and play a little under the table footsie that will have her say, “Is that a giant, old, soft, decaying banana in your pants or are you just not interested to see me?”

[Cut to Colin Jost, Guy who knows the owner and Guy who just bought a boat]

Colin Jost: That’s what she’ll say? I gotta say, that’s just a little hard to unpack.

Guy who knows the owner: So is my wang. It’s a skin slinky color.

Colin Jost: You guys, I’m sorry. You guys have to leave. I’m sorry.

Guy who knows the owner: Hey, hold on. What does gravy have in common with this dude? [pointing at Guy who just bought a boat]

Colin Jost: What?

Guy who just bought a boat: We both come in a boat!

Colin Jost: God. That’s two best friends. Everyone.

Guy who just bought a boat: See you at the parade.