Weekend Update- Putin’s Best Friends from Growing Up Return

Michael Che

Vanessa Bayer

Fred Armisen

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: US intelligence officials now believe that Vladimir Putin personally oversaw the cyber attack on the democrats before the election. Here to defend them are Vladimir Putin’s best friends from growing up.

[Michael Che and Fred slide in]

Vanessa: Thank you.

Michael Che: So, Putin hacked into our electoral system, and that’s got to be a new low in diplomacy. But you guys are best friends with him?

Fred: Oh, he is the best.

Vanessa: Yeah, we love him. He’s like, a great leader.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: He has been leading for a long time. He’s focused, He’s disciplined.

Vanessa: Yeah, he’s such a hard worker. [soft voice] I will say he can be pretty petty. Okay, so he has this holiday party and on the invite, it says in bold letter, it says, “No gifts please.” So we show up and he goes, “Arriving empty handed, are we?” “You said no gifts!”

Fred: [soft voice] So, like, he points to us, right? With his thumb. And he rolls his eyes. Right? He turns to the room and he goes, “These cheapskates are here, hide your purses.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] first of all, that not only implies that we are cheap, but that we steal?

Fred: [soft voice] It said on the invitation not to bring anything.

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having a hard to hearing you guys. I mean, are you saying that he turns on people?

Vanessa: [normal voice] No, no, no. We love him. He’s like, our best friend. He’s so unique.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: Like, he loves retro things. He collects fun vintage sodas. He’s like a nerd.

Vanessa: He’s such a nerd about it.

Fred: I will say [soft voice] he is very weird about money and then he keeps saying he’s not weird about money. So I’m like, “Why are you bringing it up?” So, walking to the party, okay.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Okay, first thing, he goes, “Hey, can you guys play some music? Because I dind’t want to shell out money for a DJ.” We go, “What?”

Fred: [soft voice] So… why are we working at your party?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah, you’re gonna make us work at your party?

Fred: [soft voice] Like, Russia can get you a DJ, you know?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah.

Fred: [soft voice] So he comes around, he’s like, “Okay, hey everyone.” Goes out and comes back and, “We got a t-shirt for everyone. Merry Christmas.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re like flimsy.

Fred: [soft voice] And like itchy.

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re all the same size. So I got up to him and say, “Can I have a smaller size?” And he goes, “No, it was cheaper just to order all size larges.”

Fred: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president of a major nation.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president.

Fred: [soft voice] Get different sizes!

Vanessa: [soft voice] Splurge. And he says, “Sorry it doesn’t fit. Maybe you can put it over your face when you go on a date.”

Fred: [soft voice] What is your problem?

Vanessa: [soft voice] You’re gonna invited us and then you’re gonna insult us? What?

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Alright, wait. First off, you’ve got to speak up. Please. I can’t hear. Also, do you understand how serious these accusations against Putin are? I mean he’s literally threatening the American political system.

Fred: [normal voice] I mean, honestly, he’s very dedicated, He’s strong, He’s brave. And Michael, he’s a fan of you.

Vanessa: He loves you.

Fred: He loves you.

Vanessa: He really says such nice things about you.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: [soft voice] So, we go to the party. And we just say, “You know what? We’re going to head out.” Let me take off.

Vanessa: [soft voice] He goes, “You guys had a problem with me as soon as you walked in here. You didn’t ask me how my day was.”

Fred: [soft voice] “I have been dealing with all the hacking stuff, and Siberia is so cold.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] “So cold.”

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Okay. I can barely hear you. But it sounds like you don’t actually like Putin.

Fred: [normal voice] No, it’s just that it’s very complicated.

Vanessa: It’s kind of like how you feel about Colin Jost.

Michael Che: Oh, no, no, no, no. I love Colin. [soft voice] I will say that [starts whispering with Vanessa and Fred]

Vanessa and Fred: Michael Che, everyone!

Weekend Update on Russia Hacking the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Well, Donald Trump is about a month away from his inauguration and people are starting to notice some red flags.

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

At a press conference on Friday, president Obama again claimed Russia hacked our election. He also accused Donald Trump of knowing that it was happening while doing nothing about it. But I mean, can you really blame him? Who snitches when somebody cheats for them? That’s just ungrateful. You don’t expect [picture changes to Tom Brady] Tom Brady to tell ref, “Hey, let me try that touchdown pass again. The ball was deflated.” I guess Donald Trump was acting like a Patriot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of FBI and CIA logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, the FBI backed up the CIA and the White House in their conclusion that Russia interfered in the US election. Yet somehow, Trump keeps defending Russia despite all the evidence. It’s like right after Pearl Harbor, FDR had said, “We don’t know it was Japan. It could have been just some fat guy on a couch somewhere.” President Obama claimed that the Russian hacker stopped attacking America after Obama told Putin to “cut it out.” I’m not sure you’re gonna strike fear in the heart of an evil dictator with [Picture changes to Dave Coulier] Uncle Joey’s catch phrase from Full House.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of US map with states colored blue or red according to it’s majority votes at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The electoral college is voting on Monday and it would take 37 members to change their votes to cost Donald Trump the election. That’s right, only 37 people stand in the way of Civil Wars: Episode II. The only thing scarier to me than Donald Trump becoming president is Donald Trump not being allowed to become president. Taking the presidency away from Donald Trump now is like giving a monkey a machine gun and then trying to wrestle it back from him. At this point, all we can do is just pray that he can’t figure out how it works, gets bored and puts it down and walks away.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Alexander Hamilton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And I should point out that the electoral college was first proposed by Alexander Hamilton as a check against a misguided popular vote. So it’s pretty ironic that because of Hamilton, a black guy [picture changes to Barack Obama] is getting recast as a white guy.[Picture changes to Donald Trump] [Picture changes to Barack Obama]

Obama this week said that democrats are falsely characterized as coastal liberal latte sipping out of touch folks. Then he grabbed a salted caramel mochaccino and hopped on a private jet to Hawaii.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I gotta say it was pretty sad seeing Obama hold a press conference for maybe his last time. it was like his farewell concert. He’s going through all his greatest hits. The climate deal, Obamacare, reducing unemployment. I got so into it, I started calling out my favorite Obama hits. I was like, “Hey, do ‘Killing Osama’.” And that whole time he didn’t even bring up that he was the first black president which if you look at history is not that easy to do. That alone has earned him a place on every black family’s wall, right next to Martin Luther King and Perm Jesus.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump met with Kanye West at Trump Tower this week. I assume the nominee Kanye for a newly creative post, secretary of humbleness. He then said that he and Trump discussed what Kanye described as multi cultural issues. Multi cultural issues is also how Kanye describes his wife’s family.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of trump visiting his visitors at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump must feel like don Corleone. I mean, everybody’s taking meetings, asking him favors. Right now, Chris Christie is sitting in Trump Tower lobby practicing his lines like Luca Brazzi. “And may your first term be a masculine term.” But do we really need to know about everybody Trump meets? I mean the media wants to find tooth comb Trump’s dealings with Putin, I get that. But when he’s meeting washed up football players and rappers fresh out of the puzzle factory, I don’t need that information. I mean, what would have Kanye West and Donald Trump meeting even be? [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kanye West] It’s like those old cartoons when Scooby Doo meets with the Harlem Globetrotters, and you’re like, “Why? How would that even help? What will that do?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Rex Tillerson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump officially announced that he is nominating Exxon Mobile CEO Rex Tillerson to be secretary of state. Trump chose the Exxon CEO because he was three cents cheaper than the Chevron CEO across the street.

[Picture changes to

In 2013, Putin awarded Tillerson the order of friendship, which is one of the highest honors Russia gives to foreigners. In fact, the only higher honor Russia can give you is President of the United States. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Jackie Evancho at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that in Trump’s inauguration, the national anthem will be performed by Jackie Evancho who finished in second place on America’s Got Talent. Though she somehow won America’s Got Talent electoral college. [Michael Che laughing] [picture changes to Australian flag and potatoes]

An Australian man who ate nothing but potatoes for an entire year has lost more than 100 pounds, no longer needs anti-depressants, lowered his cholesterol and is dead.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Women’s March logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The organization planning the Women’s March on Washington on January has released the official logo for the event. It’s a great logo because like many feminists, it pushed the white women in the front.

[Cut to a person using a smart phone]

According to a new survey, 70% of the people say that their relationships have been hurt by fubbing, which is when you snub your partner to use your phone instead. Fubbing is not as I assumed when your booty’s too big to have sex in the bathtub.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of New York city at left top corner.]

Never fubbed Jost?

Colin Jost: Never fubbed. Excited for it. Earlier today, New York got it’s first major snowfall, which is fun because now you know which Deli has the most rats.

Michael Che: That’s so gross. [laughing] [Cut to Colin Jost and Colin Jost]

Speaker Colin Jost: Well, it’s the last Weekend Update of the year.

Speaker Michael Che: That’s right.

Speaker Colin Jost: And in the spirit of the holidays, we thought we try to rescue some jokes that got cut earlier in the year.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Panda at left top corner.]

Alright, here it goes. Gia Gia, the world’s oldest panda passed away this week at the age of 38. Gia Gia died after suffering a stroke stroke.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chipotle logo at right top corner.]

Speaker Michael Che: Chipotle has begun serving chorizo. The announcement was made loudly through a bathroom door.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Uber logo at left top corner.]

Speaker Colin Jost: Uber has issued a new set of rules that bans passengers from having sex with a driver or other passengers. Though you can always switch over to Lyft for a mustache ride.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chocolate World logo at right top corner.]

Speaker Michael Che: Hershey’s Chocolate World at Pennsylvania is preparing for its 100 millionth visitor. And to celebrate, I’m about to make my eighth visit to Jerry’s Chocolate World [Picture changes to a board of strip club] by the airport.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Speaker Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on Russia Interfering with the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

It’s being reported that the CIA believes that Russia influenced our presidential election in favor of Donald Trump. You see? Feel better now popular vote? No? Okay. At this point telling us why Trump won is like a fire department showing up to tell us why our house is currently on fire. Just put it out. We’ll talk about it later. Trump’s team then dismissed the CIA claims saying that these are the same people that said Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. Now, first of all, Trump, damn, that’s a good comeback. Wow! Even the CIA responded to trump saying, “Wow, it’s like that?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And this comes after president Obama ordered intelligence officials to produce a full review on Russian efforts to influence the 2016 election. The review will be conduced by just lookin at Vladimir Putin.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This could also explain why Donald Trump has only been to a couple of the Daily Intelligence Briefings since winning the election. But Mike Pence has been to six a week. Pence is kind of like a wife carefully reading the IKEA instructions and Trump is the stubborn dad yelling, “Yeah, it did it right. It’s supposed to be wobbly!” You know, as crazy as it sounds, maybe it’s better Trump doesn’t know what’s going on. I mean, we can’t trust him with secrets. This guy tweets every thought that pops into his head. He is so petty and so vindictive, how long before he tweets out the president of China’s home phone number because he got a bag egg roll somewhere? I hope they tell him as little as possible. When Trump shows up for a briefing, I hope they give him some headphones and an iPad and make him watch ‘Frozen’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was revealed that Donald Trump will keep his job as producer on ‘The Celebrity Apprentice’ while he is president. It’s an absurd, unethical and potentially illegal conflict of interest– only on NBC.

Now, people are upset that Trump is doing a TV show and won’t go to intelligence briefings, but face it, America, Trump won because he is the fun guy. If we wanted a diligent, competent, experienced president we would have elected nerd lady. Okay? If your schools elects the rich cool guy president, he isn’t going to suddenly show up to school council meetings and examine the science budget. He is going to go on a V victory lap around the school, start a food fight with the model UN and grab some cheerleaders by the pom-poms. I mean, his whole platform was ‘Seniors rule, Mexicans drool.’

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rex Tillerson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump is expected to nominate EXXON CEO Rex Tillerson to be secretary of State. Rex Tillerson is such an oil tycoon’s name. The I in Tillerson should be an oil rig. Tillerson may have no government or diplomatic experience, but EXXON is known for their charitable work of cleaning oil off of ducks.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former mayor Rudy Giuliani has removed himself from consideration for a position in Trump’s cabinet, which is a smooth political way of saying Trump didn’t pick him. I mean, that’s like Dirty Grandpa taking itself out of Oscar contention. [Picture changes to Paula Dean] Or Paula Dean saying she won’t accept an NAACP image award. You’re good.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

On Tuesday, Donald Trump tweeted that he wants to cancel an order with Boeing for a new Air Force one because it costs too much. Which is weird, because Trump usually waits until after the work is done before he refuses to pay.

Trump has justified his use of twitter saying he’d tweet less if the press did their jobs better. Or if Ambien [Picture changes to a medical pills] did it’s job better.

[Picture changes to pope Francis]

The spread of fake news on the internet has become so prevalent that even the Pope spoke out this week and denounced fake news. And you know what’s bad when a guy who gets his news from voices in the sky and burning bushes is telling you to check your sources.

Weekend Update on Pro-Trump Graffiti Artist’s Arrest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Philadelphia city at right top corner]

Michael Che: A black man was arrested in Philadelphia after he went on a pro-Trump graffiti spree. He has been sentenced to spend the next five years with his aunty and uncle in Bel Air.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of South Korean flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: South Korean’s parliament has voted to impeach president Park Geun-Hye, the country’s first female president over a corruption scandal. You know, it’s hard not to look this story and think, “That could have been us.”

[Michael Che laughing]

Cool! Well, it’s dress-rehearsal.

[Michael Che laughing] [Picture changes to a glove and a diamond ring]

A woman in Long Island discovered a diamond ring inside of a glove while trying it on at a department store. And because it was Long Island, it was still attached to her finger.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a

Michael Che: Amazon has opened a new grocery store in Seattle that uses sensors and artificial intelligence that allows customers to buy products without going to a cashier. So, not all the jobs are going to Mexico and China. Some of them are going to robots. Robots are even taking the jobs that we thought we’d never lose. Like, laid off factory workers became truck drivers because those truck ain’t gonna drive themselves. Well, guess what? In about two years, those trucks are going to start driving themselves.

[Picture changes to a Santa]

And white people freaking out over another news. The mall in America in Minnesota hired their first black Santa, which provoked outrage in social media. You know, having a black mall Santa sounds like a really nice idea until your white baby starts crying on his lap and your Christmas card looks like the toddler is a racist. Now, I don’t know what color Santa should or shouldn’t be, but he has given America a couple of hundred years of free labor. It sound pretty black to me.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Santa at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I gotta say I think Santa’s black too, coz the only other guy I know with a pet reindeer is Tracy Morgan.

[Picture changes to Joslyn Wildenstein]

Joslyn Wildenstein known as the cat woman for extensive plastic surgery to make her look like a cat, was arrested on charges that she scratched her boyfriend. In fairness, he was taunting her with a laser pointer.

[Picture changes to a caduceus]

And a new study has found that people who shave or trim their pubic hair are more likely to contract sexually transmitted diseases. So, you’re probably in the clear, old guy at my gym!

Weekend Update Cathy Ann on Fake News

Michael Che

Cathy Ann… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: A North Carolina man was arrested after he walked into a pizza place with an assault rifle and saying he was inspired by a fake news story he read off the internet. Here to talk about it is the woman that’s always yelling outside my window, Cathy Ann.

Cathy Ann: Ay, ay, Michael Che! Can you believe that idiot went into that pizza shop with a gun and he didn’t leave with no money and no pizzas? I mean, hello?

Michael Che: Well, he wasn’t trying to rob it. He thought he was trying to break up a pedophile.

Cathy Ann: Yeah, yeah. Fake news. You know what? Whatever happened to journalistic didegrity, okay?

Michael Che: Didegrity?

Cathy Ann: Yeah, okay. We all can agree we got SHI Ton of crazy people in this country, right? And crazy people don’t even have fake news to get them going. And I can take that coz I’ve been one of them, okay? There were times that I would smoke, you know what, crack… [Michael Che laughing] Hey, I’m serious, off of lightbulb and Mike, I would act pretty erratically. I’ll be honest with you, okay? And people like me do not need to be encouraged on fortune and ribbon

Michael Che: You mean for chain and Reddit.

Cathy Ann: You know what? If you’re going to be correcting me all damn day, how about you start with my psoriasis?

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Cathy Ann: I know. I’m like Cecada. Full version of me clinging on to a tree somewhere. Now, I don’t know if you know this, but all that fake news is the work of the alt-right, right? Because, that’s what we’re supposed to call the white supremacists now, coz apparently the people that are drawing swastikers and saying “Hi, Hitler” are getting offended when you call them nazis. What the hell? Ain’t the whole point of saying white pride is to be proud of all that crap? Just say what you are. You’re not McCafe, you’re McDonald’s. I’m not here for a fancy Cappuccino, I’m here coz I burned some bridges at Wendy’s. Do not ask, Michael Che!

Michael Che: I actually was not gonna.

Cathy Ann: You know what? What is this right wing conspiracy fake news so popular anyway? What happened to just using the internet for what you’re supposed to. Porno

Michael Che: Okay. So, getting back to the alt-right.

Cathy Ann: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? Here’s my number one problem with the alt-right. It’s not the racism, no offense.

Michael Che: What?

Cathy Ann: It’s that they think they are so funny. You know what? They aren’t funny. That’s jail yard humor, okay? That’s like when you first go in the jail and they find the fattest guy and pulls his pants down and everybody gets to slap his butt one time to see who leaves the reddest mark.

Michael Che: Fattest guy? Did you go to a male prison?

Cathy Ann: They put you where they put you, Michael Che. Look, look, the alt-right, they ain’t as funny as they think, but damn are the liberals ain’t even trying to have a sense of humor. I mean, you even mention a sense of humor, they gonna online petition about you day later. All they do is yell at each other on Facebook about safety pins and Bernie Sanders. Alright, you’re a hundred times smarter than everybody else, and about a billion times less fun.

Michael Che: Okay, it sounds like you don’t have a lot of faith on either side to head with online fake news.

Cathy Ann: Yeah. You know what I think Michael Che? I think everybody needs to get off the damn internet for a few days. Including Donald Duck.

Michael Che: Donald who?

Cathy Ann: I know he’s watching. [Michael Che laughing] Go outside, meet people face to face and either fight them or freak them, like the pilgrims and all the cave men all did. The world is messed up, Michael Che. But I don’t let it get me too down coz I listen to the words of my hero. Michelle Robama. They go low, I get high.

Michael Che: Cathy Ann, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Angela Merkel on Time magazine

Colin Jost

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: President elect Donald Trump was named Time magazine’s person of the year for 2016. Here to comment is last year’s person of the year, German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

[Michael Che slides in]

Michael Che: Hello, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi. How are you?

Michael Che: Good to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: Good to have you. So chancellor, what do you think about Time choosing Donald Trump?

Michael Che: Well, you know, it kind of undermines the honor for me. [Cut to Michael Che] It’s like winning the Noble Prize for physics and then the next year they give it to Huberstank. You know 2016 has been a real Volkswagen. Brexit, Trump, left me with more questions than answers. It was nihilistic even by the German standards. But I’m coping. I’ve spend many anight in my bathtub with my two best friends, a glass of riesling and an adult coloring book. The other day, I colored a peacock. Then David Cameron called he always knows how to cheer me up. He said, “Let’s call Donald Trump and pretend to be the presidents of Taiwan.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow! Yeah. Now, I have to ask, are you worried at all about the rise of nationalism in America and Europe?

Michael Che: No. Nationalism in Europe? What could go wrong? [Cut to Michael Che] Sorry, that was the first German attempt at sarcasm. I’ll work on it.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, it was good. It was good. Now, you’re not excited then, I assume, about the alt-right movement?

Michael Che: Ah, yes, in America you call it alt-right. In Germany we call it ‘Why grandpapa lives in Argentina now’. Forgive me, Colin. I must let out a German scream.

[screams with her mouths closed]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, that was a scream?

Michael Che: Yes. That’s right. In Germany we shout our problems into our stomachs.

Colin Jost: It seems very healthy. Now, have you spoken to Hillary since the election?

Michael Che: No, no. She is so deep in the woods, I’m worried she’ll come upon a candy house. [Cut to Michael Che] I had such hopes for Hil. I was so sure we were gonna be besties, staying up all night eating junk food, playing F Marry Kill the Leaders of Asia. We would do each other’s makeup, you know, just chap stick and sun block. Watch our favorite movie ‘Bad Moms’. In Germany, this is a mom who lets her child go to art school. And of course, we would talk about Barack. Oh, my Barack. [singing] I will remember you, my Barack, Barack Obama. We just made his last visit to Germany as president and I stole one of his gloves so he would have to come back and get it. But apparently he hs many gloves.

[Michael Che starts screaming with her mouth closed] [Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Chancellor, it’s okay. It’s okay. Just cheer up. Cheer up, it’s the holidays. Remember? It’s the holidays.

Michael Che: You’re right, you’re right. Maybe I will get some of the gifts on my list. [Cut to Michael Che] This year I asked for world peace, a bowl so I can cut my own bangs and a gift certificate to my favorite store, the Women’s Warehouse. You’re going to look the way you look, I guarantee it!

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Angela Merkel, everyone!

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Taiwan Call

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

And Colin, you’re not gonna believe this but the media is beginning to question is Donald Trump knows what he’s doing. Trump had communication with the president of Taiwan which violates a long standing agreement between the US and China, but in fairness, the president of Taiwan called him. And also, there’s no way Donald Trump knows difference between Taiwan and China. He probably just thinks one makes his hats and other makes his ties. What did surprise me is that Trump would actually answer an unknown phone number. That guy has like millions of dollars in debt. I owe chase $1,100 and when I see a number I don’t recognize, I answered the phone in Taiwanese accent.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Donald Trump began what he’s calling a ‘Thank you tour of the country.’ While Hillary Clinton I assume is planning more of an ‘FU tour.’ Trump’s holding victory rallies in all the places that helped him get elected. Like, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Russia, the FBI, Wikileaks and Hillary’s campaign headquarters. By the way, a ‘thank you tour’ might be the Trumpiest idea I’ve ever heard. He’s so egotistical that his idea of saying thank you is having thousands of people show up and chant his name. That’s not how thank yous work. That would be like starting a charity but instead of helping the poor, all the money went to a giant portrait of a guy who started the charity.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: But, come on, of course Trump is on a thank you tour. That’s his element. He loves having a big audience. That’s why his constantly on twitter. You think he likes having dinner with Mitt Romney? [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Mitt Romney having dinner together] By the way, why does Mitt Romney look like an Instagram model being forced to take a picture with the man who just bought him a new butt?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s twitter profile at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Donald Trump tweeted about flag burning and voter fraud which some think was just to distract the media from more important issues. But if they’re worried that his tweets are getting too much attention, they should just report them in the most boring way possible. The way they report a weather forecast. Watch.

[Cut to reporting Donald Trump’s tweets in a boring manner]

Male voice: [lazy voice] This morning, Trump’s tweeting about voter fraud with scattered retweets in the afternoon. Then at 3 AM, 90% chance of a tweetstorm about Rosie. This has been Tweets on the ones.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: See? No one cares anymore.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of people protesting at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Protestors continue to gather at Standing Rock Indian reservation to stop the construction of the Dakota access pipeline. The natives believe that the oil pipeline could contaminate their water supply but the oil company believes, “Bleh!” The sheriff’s department began using rubber bullets and water hoses against the protestors last weekend. And, I know that law enforcement is a very, very tough job, but at some point when you’re out there in 23 degree weather, spraying some native family with a fire hose on thanksgiving, you gotta stop and wonder, “Are we the bad guys?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people protesting at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, I mean, at this point if native Americans are asking us for anything, can’t we just give it to them? We basically treated them like [Picture changes to Milton from Office space] Milton from Office Space. We just keep moving them to worse and worse areas and pretending that we’re doing them a favor. And this one spot in North Dakota is their stapler. [Picture changes to Milton lookin at his stapler] Just let them have the stapler. Coz remember, at the end of Office Space, Milton snaps and burns the entire place down. And oil, famously flammable.

Weekend Update on a Stolen Pet-Sitting Van

Colin Jost

Michael che

[Starts with Michael che in his news set. There’s a picture of a van with a cartoon dog printed on it at right top corner.]

Michael che: [sigh] The owner of a pet sitting operation had his van stolen with 16 dogs still inside. Starring Kevin James.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kellogg’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Kellogg’s announced that it’s pulling it’s advertising from the Breitbarth website saying the Alt-right website does not align with their values as a company. But I don’t know. Kellogg’s makes Kashi Go-Lean crunch and that’s may be the widest product in history. [Michael che laughing] [picture changes to a phone]

A new app has launched that helps people boycott businesses owned by Donald Trump. The app’s called ‘Being Poor’.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of no smoking sign at right top corner.]

Michael che: The federal government has approved the plan that would ban smoking in public housing across the country which is a horrible idea. I mean, you know how stressful it is to live in the projects? I can tell you. It’s like prison. Except you didn’t do anything wrong and you can smoke in prison. How do you even plan on enforcing this law? You think a ghetto tipster’s going to call you like, “Yeah, this is Freddie, and I’d like to report a cigarette smoke act at crackhouse in 4B.” They’re saying it’s because cigarettes are a health risk but you know what else is a health risk? Living in the projects. Heating your apartment with an oven is a health risk. Letting a pitbull babysit your toddler is a health risk. Having a hospital bed in your living room is a health risk. But you know what? The worst health risk of all is? Getting evicted. Yeah. Coz that’s what’s gonna happen. They’re gonna renovate those buildings and them to millionaires and you know what they’re going to do in those buildings? Those millionaires? Coke!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Canadian flag and a police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I thought he was going to say smoke. But… Police in Canada will soon start making people caught drinking and driving listen to Nickelback. So, let that be a lesson to all you drunk drivers out there. Make sure that crash kills you.

Michael che: [laughing] Make sure?

Colin Jost: Make sure. [Picture changes to an ape] A new research shows that the pre-human Lucy probably lived in trees. So, either pre-humans were more ape-like than previously thought or that bitch cray!

[Michael Che laughing]

[laughing] The one before it.

Michael Che: You fell for it.

Colin Jost: Well, Che wrote that.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that women in long term relationships are more likely to experience a decrease in sexual satisfaction. Here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woo! Great to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Leslie. So, why do you think women in relationships have troubles sexually?

Leslie Jones: Well, it’s because men don’t correctly learn how to satisfy a woman, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Like, a couple of weeks ago, I was at the New York city FC soccer game. And I was sitting in my section with a whole bunch New York Knick players. They were all 6’9″, big old hands, big old feet, big old necks, big old chests, long ass fingers, long as…

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, we know. We know where it’s going. Yes, we got it.

Leslie Jones: Of course you do, you little salty oyster cracker.

Colin Jost: You just called me a cracker.

Leslie Jones: You the head of the cracker. And I saw all these young dudes, you know, who looked like they were born after Martin was canceled. You know what I’m saying? And I thought to myself, “What a waste of good equipment.” They don’t know what to do with it, but I do. I got 30 years in the game, homie. So, I realized I can help them. I can coach them. You know? I can be like a hung like a horse whisperer! And I whisper to all shapes and sizes. I even whispered to a few ponies. It don’t matter what size it is. Don’t lie to us about what you packing. Coz we’re gonna see it eventually. And it will disappoint us. Do not promise me a rack of ribs and then show up with a little penis. And you don’t have to lie anyway coz most men are fine. My entire life, I’ve only seen like two or three, you might call like, you know, travel size. But even if that’s all you got, own it! Even a thumb drive can hold a lot of data. Step it up in other ways. The thing men today– [Colin laughing]

Colin Jost: Step it up with your hands!

Leslie Jones: The thing men today are lacking is confidence. You gotta have confidence. Confidence is sexy. Back in the days, we had confident strong men, like the Marlboro man and the browny Paper Towel dude, or Mr. Clean. You know those was real men.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I mean, they are literally not real men.

Leslie Jones: Shut up! [Cut to Leslie Jones] Coz the only thing we got now is that cheap ass Trivago dude. Always trying to get me to go to some discount motel rooms. Or that creepy ass Captain Obvious. The only thing obvious about him is that he got a couple of bodies in his trunk. That ain’t sexy and it definitely ain’t confident. You gotta have confidence about yourself. And whatever equipment you got, you gotta believe in it. You gotta see your equipment through our eyes. So for all the dudes who are watching right now, go get a mirror. I’ll wait. Now, pull your pants down. Raise your shirt up, don’t pull your shirt all the way up, just raise it up. Put your shirt under your chin like this, and put the mirror in front of your junk like this. And to quote Maya Angelou, [everyone laughing] “No matter the size in between your thighs, you can still rise.”

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone.