Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update- Trump’s Facebook Reinstated, George Santos Admits to Dressing in Drag

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Facebook announced that it will reinstate former President Donald Trump’s account. But this time they’ll put guardrails in place to keep him under control. Which I think is the same thing they said every time they tried to reopen Jurassic Park.

Also, What even are guardrails on Facebook? And can they apply to my uncle? Because he’s posted some very disturbing fan fiction about the green m&m.

[picture changes to Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama]

In the wake of the classified documents scandal, representatives for Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama issued statements saying they all turned over all classified records before leaving office. While Jimmy Carter issued a statement saying, “Come and get em’, you bastards.” [picture changes to Jimmy Carter as Scarface.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Pence.]

Michael Che: Sassy Jimmy Carter. A lawyer from Mike Pence says that after they discovered classified documents in his home, Pence stands ready and willing to fully cooperate. Incidentally, “I stand ready and willing to fully cooperate” is also what pence says before sex.

[picture changes to Taylor Swift]

During the Senate hearings investigating, Live Nation and their monopoly on concert ticket sales fans of Taylor Swift protested outside the capitol. Oh, that’s sweet. And only two years after their dads were there. [picture changes to Capitol riot] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rick Scott.]

Colin Jost: Senator Rick Scott, seen here learning that Harry Potter is falling into his trap, announced that he is running for reelection promising to finish the border wall and name it after Donald Trump. Even though most things named after Donald Trump are complete failures. [picture changes to Donald Trump Jr.] [picture changes to George Santos]

George Santos admitted that while living in Brazil, he did dress in drag but said he was not a drag queen. Okay, honey, we knew that from your contouring.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rhonda McDaniel]

Michael Che: Rhonda McDaniel was reelected as chair of the Republican National Committee and a closer than expected vote over challenges, Harmeet Dhillon, MyPillow CEO Mike Lynn Dell, Twitter use CAT_TURD_2, Kevin Sorbo Kyle Rittenhouse and of course, Colin Jost. Congratulations, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Google logo.]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Thank you. That election was rigged. Google announced that it is cutting 12,000 jobs, while Yahoo announced that it is now run by a family of raccoons.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis.]

Michael Che: Pope Francis criticized laws banning homosexuality as unjust saying that it’s not a crime even though Catholic doctrine views homosexuality as a sin. He also stressed that Catholic doctrine use age as nothing but a number.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Disney World.]

Colin Jost: Disneyworld is closing Splash Mountain to turn it into Tiana’s by you adventure after complaints that it’s Song of the South theme was racist. Okay, but where’s the outrage about Disney forcing a mentally challenged dwarf to mine blood diamonds?

Weekend Update- TikTok Fights Texas Ban, Chipotle Hiring for “Burrito Season”

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Dallas Zoo.]

Colin Jost: The Dallas zoo has been dealing with the disappearance of several animals, including a leopard, monkeys and a vulture. In an unrelated story. Check out my amazing coat. [picture changes to Colin wearing coat made of those animals’ skins] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of TikTok logo.]

Michael Che: Officials that TikTok are trying to stop efforts in Congress to ban the app by launching a campaign called ‘Project Texas’ because tick tock is their baby. And they know Texas won’t let them get rid of it.

[picture changes to an article that says “Chatbot lets people talk to Jesus and Hitler”]

A new AI Chatbot as created controversy after it allowed users to talk with Jesus and Hitler, and one guy who thinks he’s both. [picture changes to Kanye West]

It’s just news guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a chihuahua.]

Colin Jost: A 23 year old Chihuahua in Ohio named Spike has been officially named the world’s oldest living dog. The secret to spikes long life? A lot of chihuahuas look the same.

[picture changes to Chipotle logo]

Chipotle has announced plans to hire 15,000 people to prepare for its busiest time of year which they are calling burrito season. And toilets are calling the apocalypse.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Antartica.]

Michael Che: Researchers in Antarctica have discovered a 17 pound meteorite. Sadly it was on top of the last polar bear.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Site paying for people to eat cheese before bed”.]

Colin Jost: A mattress review site is paying people to test the theory that eating cheese before bed will give a person nightmares. But if you’re in bed, eating cheese till you pass out, your life is already a nightmare.

Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Doorman Carl on the New York Rental Market

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New York is expected to be the most expensive rental market in 2023. Here to talk about it is the new doorman to my building, Carl.

[Carl slides in]

Carl: Ay! What’s up, Mr. Che? How are you doing, man? Just a little reminder, I noticed that you haven’t given me end of the year tip yet.

Michael Che: You just started.

Carl: Oh, well maybe soon then. Mam, you remember that night when things got wild? I talked to the police for you?

Michael Che: I don’t remember that.

Carl: I know right?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Carl: Hard to keep track of all the crazy nights when Mr. Michael Che is your tenant. Tough to remember which night is wild? And which night is just ruggle? Oh man, we living that life, Che.

Michael Che: We?

Carl: Yeah, man. We doing the damn thing? My dog. [looking around] So what’s this? What do you do here, man?

Michael Che: This is SNL, man. It’s my job.

Carl: Oh, okay. Oh, so you just out here making the big bucks in a half suit and jeans. Hey buddy, Che. Che.

Michael Che: What, man?

Carl: You know that lady came around looking for you again. Right?

Michael Che: Who?

Carl: You know the one. That lady. She like, real smart.

Michael Che: All right.

Carl: Always mad. She came to the building again asking about you, man. But don’t worry. I told her you moved to Jamaica. I did good, right?

Michael Che: Why would you say that? I’m absolutely here in New York on live TV right now.

Carl: Yeah, she ain’t watching.

Michael Che: Okay, well, thank you Carl.

Carl: Hey, Che! Che! You know, that little kid came around looking for you, right? He was talking about, “Tell Che my mama said he got to take me to the zoo.” He said his name was DeMichael or something. I don’t know, man. I’m just a vessel.

Michael Che: Oh my god. That’s not my kid.

Carl: That’s right. That’s what I told that little dummy. That’s right. Che, teamwork make the dream work. Up top, man.

Michael Che: Well, thank you for stopping by man. I really—

Carl: Hey, Che! You know, that dog came around looking for you, right? He got that bark like, “Hrrr, hrrr, Che, Che, Che, Che.” I swear, that’s what he’d be saying, man. I understood the dog talking. Yeah. Hey, man. Who is Cornelius?

Michael Che: I don’t know.

Carl: You sure? Because every night at eight o’clock, this man shows up and leaves one shoe on my desk and says, “Tell Michael Chang this is from Cornelius. And if he wants the other shoe, tell him to meet me under the bridge.” Bro, New York is wild, man.

Michael Che: Okay, now I know you have to go. I mean, I mean, who’s watching the building right now?

Carl: Oh, no. Don’t worry. I put a sign up there, says “If you look up Michael Che, just call 9Carl7-7Carl—

Michael Che: No, don’t give them my phone number.

Carl: Why not?

Michael Che: That’s against the rules.

Carl: It is? Well, I guess that’s why I’m a doorman and you here making crazy money using that desk to hide your dirty jeans.

Michael Che: Carl, my doorman, everybody.

Carl: Hey man, there were six cats looking for you.

Weekend Update- Angel on the Return of Wendy’s Vanilla Frosty

Michael Che

Angel… Heidi Gardner

Creed… Michael B. Jordan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week Wendy’s announced they’d be bringing back their vanilla frosty after a brief hiatus in 2022. Here to talk about it with her good news report is every boxers girlfriend from every boxing movie about boxing ever.

[Angel slides in]

Angel: Hi, hi.

Michael Che: How are you doing? How are you, Angel?

Angel: I’ve been better.

Michael Che: Does your boyfriend Tommy have a fight tonight?

Angel: He better not. Because the last guy hit Tommy so hard, there’s no more clams in his shoulder. I love him so much. But I swear to God, if he fights again, I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.

Michael Che: Got it. Well, in good news, the Vanilla Frosty is making a comeback.

Angel: Oh, come on.

Michael Che: What is it?

Angel: Wendy’s? You think of a Vanilla Frosty has a shot going up against chocolate? You’re sick? So Vanilla Frosty, if I see you back on the value menu, I’m not taking the kids to Wendy’s. I’m taking the kids to my sister’s. All of them. All of them. Mikey, Nikki, Pepper, Quinoa and the twin.

Michael Che: You’ve been doing okay, Angel?

Angel: Barely, barely. I’m doing a lot better than Tommy I can tell you that. Creed ruined him, Che.

Michael Che: Wait, Tommy fought Adonis Creed.

Angel: Creed hit Tommy so hard, his eye flew out. Landed in Pepper’s lap. The one night I forgot to take the kids on my sister’s.

Michael Che: Jesus.

Angel: So where is he? I know Creed’s here. You’ve been advertising the fight all week. Creed versus Lil Baby live on Peacock.

Michael Che: No. Angel, there’s no fight tonight.

Angel: Oh yeah?

Michael Che: No.

Angel: Then what’s all this? Cameras. Sold out crowd. I’m looking at Jamie Foxx at Gina Gershaun sit in front row next to cocaine bear.

Michael Che: That’s just a black guy sitting next to a white woman in a big coat.

Angel: I don’t care. I want Creed.

[Creed slides in] [cheers and applause]

Creed: Angel.

Angel: Adonis creed, you know you’re the reason my kids dad watches more sesame street than they do?

Creed: You ever think about us, Angel?

Angel: Don’t.

Creed: Huh? Remember? Before Tommy, there was Creedy.

Angel: You remember Lil Nicky? He’s yours, Creed.

Creed: What? Tommy never asked why one of his kids is black?

Angel: Tommy don’t see color.

Creed: That’s nice.

Angel: No, he don’t see any color, numbers or shapes. His potato is baked, Creedy.

Creed: Angel, look at me. You’re coming home with me tonight.

Angel: But what about Tommy? What about the kids?

Creed: Listen, from now on, I’m taking the kids to your sister’s.

[Angel and Creed hug each other]

Michael Che: Every boxer’s girlfriend and Adonis Creed, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update: April Ludgate and Leslie Knope on Working for the Government

Colin Jost

April Ludgate… Aubrey Plaza

Leslie Knope…Amy Poehler

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: According to a recent study, local governments are having trouble hiring new employees. Here to encourage young people to get involved in local government is a longtime employee of the city of Pawnee, Indiana, April Ludgate.

[April Ludgate slides in]

April Ludgate: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi, April.

April Ludgate: What?

Colin Jost: Nothing. You just said you came out here to talk about local government?

April Ludgate: I will when you stop yelling at me. Okay, fine. So yeah, everybody should get involved where they live. If you’re young, you should get a job as a garbage man or something.

Colin Jost: Okay. Are there other jobs?

April Ludgate: You want me to list them? Okay? Fine. Driver a bus, You don’t have to be on time. Nobody cares. Work for the water department. You can drain the reservoir and find all the bodies and murder clues. Or just be a dog catcher and just say you couldn’t find any. Because when you work for the local government, doing the bare minimum is doing your part.

Colin Jost: Okay, all right. Okay, but what if you actually want to work hard?

April Ludgate: I don’t know. You’re annoying me. Just ask my old boss, Leslie Knope.

[Leslie Knope slides in]

Leslie Knope: Whooo. Hi, April. Hi, Colin. Hi, Michael Che. Wow. Look at this. Who knew there were cameras in SNL?

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah. So So you work for the government?

Leslie Knope: Yeah. Park Service. Yeah. So how much fun is it working here? Do you guys just sit around cracking each other up all day?

Colin Jost: Not like 8am, but yeah, generally. How does it take to run a federal agency?

Leslie Knope: Well, all you do is you show up every day and you do the job. But I want to pick your brain about this job. About this show. Because I used to watch this when Seth Meyers did it by himself with no one else. And he made it look really easy.

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah. So you said you were here to talk about the government?

Leslie Knope: Yeah, but quick question, President Biden, when he zoomed in before could he see me or were the cameras off?

Colin Jost: I think he pre recorded that.

Leslie Knope: Ah, I thought the show was live.

Colin Jost: Most of it is.

April Ludgate: Oh my god. Can we just please go? This guy has been bothering me for half an hour.

Leslie Knope: Yeah. We can’t stay long. We have a timed entry tickets to the m&m store. But before we go, and may I be so bold, do you mind if I tried to tell a joke?

Colin Jost: I would love it.

[Colin Jost and Leslie Knope swap chairs]

Leslie Knope: Ah. This feels good. This feels nice. Okay, let’s see what you got. Okay. All right. Oh, no, that’s to mean. Oh, what? No, that’s way too mean. What? No. Okay, I’ll do this one. [There’s a picture of an article that says “Bus service for puppies”.] Town in Alaska has launched a bus service for puppies. The service has expanded to puppies. Thanks to the heroic activism of canine civil rights icon, Rosa Barks. Whooo. That felt good.
April Ludgate: For Weekend Update, I’m April Ludgate.

Leslie Knope: I’m Leslie Knope.

Weekend Update: China’s Population Decline, Andy Murray Denied Bathroom Break

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: It was reported that last year the population of China declined by 850,000 people. Thanks to an increase in China’s leading cause of death, protesting. China plans to reverse the population decline with an emergency import of Nick Cannon. It’s a good news. There’s a happy ending, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “School lights left on for year and a half”.]

Colin Jost: Nice happy ending to that. Due to a computer error, a school in Massachusetts has been unable to turn off its lights for over a year and a half. The students are doing fine but the classroom hamster has gone insane.

The US Department of the Interior has changed the name of Squaw Valley, California because it is considered a derogatory term for Native American women. Okay, I don’t understand how that name gets changed. And yet no one cares there’s an entire town in New York that mocks my people. [The place in New York is “White Plains”.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of San Francisco city.]

Michael Che: A San Francisco panel studying reparations is proposing giving every black resident a one time payment of $5 million. “Well, that’s a fantastic idea” said the Gucci store.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kevin Spacey.]

Colin Jost: Hold for applause. Kevin Spacey made his first public speaking appearance in five years where he thanked Italy’s National Cinema museum for having the balls to invite him, “He also asked could I touch the ball?” I’m kidding, he didn’t ask permission.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “118 year old nun dies”.]

Michael Che: Catholic nun in France, who was believed to be the oldest person in the world has died at the age of 118. Her cause of death was listed as “answered prayer.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Andy Murray.]

Colin Jost: Tennis star Andy Murray was upset after an umpire the Australian Open refused to let him take a bathroom break during a five set long match. Worse, it was deuce.

Weekend Update: Colin Jost Interviews Rep. George Santos

Colin Jost

George Santos… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Scientists made a stunning breakthrough in the field of nuclear fusion which may lead to limitless clean energy. Here to comment is the man behind the research, oh no, it’s George Santos.

[George Santos slides in]

George Santos: No, no, no, Colin. I’m scientist, Nim.

Colin Jost: No. You’re George Santos and you’ve been all over the news lying about basically every part of your life.

George Santos: Maybe?

Colin Jost: You lied about going to NYU.

George Santos: You didn’t.

Colin Jost: You lied about working at Goldman Sachs.

George Santos: No, I filled the gold man sacks.

Colin Jost: You lied about your mom dying in 911.

George Santos: I think I said 7 Eleven.

Colin Jost: No. You even lied about being Jewish.

George Santos: No. I said I was Jew-ish, which is honestly icon-ic. I mean, I said that because my grandparents were in the Holocaust.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Really?

George Santos: Yeah. YeahThey actually knew Anne Frank. My ancestors were the ones that told herm “You should be writing this down.”

Colin Jost: That cannot be true. George, people need to know who you are.

George Santos: Okay, well, I am George Santos, Mr. Vaulter if you’re nasty. I graduated on a volleyball scholarship from Baruch Atah Adonai University. Four years of mishegoss. And I am a proud representative for my district in Long Island, New Jersey.

Colin Jost: What are you talking about?

George Santos: Hang on. Madonna’s calling me. Hello? Like a Virgin. I remember. I was there. I was the Virgin. Okay, love you, see at home.

Colin Jost: George, we don’t believe anything you’re saying.

George Santos: But well, by the way, I know that I look Asian but that’s because my maiden name is Chao as in Fogo de Chao. Because I’m Brazilian.

Colin Jost: Right, I got it. Okay, George. Well, then can you explain how you suddenly became a millionaire especially after being linked to the nephew of a Russian oligarch?

George Santos: Okay, well, that’s nothing. The only connection I have to Russia is that my great grand uncle was Rasputin. And my great grandmother was the little bat in the movie.

Colin Jost: From Anastasia?

George Santos: Yeah, from Anastasia. Meg Ryan’s in it. And Kristen Dunst plays a young Anastasia.

Colin Jost: Wow. George, I have to ask. Can you physically not stop lying?

George Santos: Colin, I’m not a liar. Not like Balloon Boy. That boy you lied about being in a balloon. Remember him? Because that was me?

Colin Jost: No, it was not.

George Santos: I’m not lying. Okay? They made me take a lie detector test before I came in here. Look.

Colin Jost: That is a COVID test.

George Santos: Hold on Madonna’s calling. [talks on the COVID test] Hello?

Colin Jost: She’s calling you on the COVID test? Georgia this has to stop. You have to stop lying.

George Santos: There’s no law against lying. Look at you. You’re wearing makeup. Okay, isn’t that a lie, letting everyone think you’re gorgeous?

Colin Jost: But George, I am gorgeous.

George Santos: Whoa, buddy.

Colin Jost: I just don’t understand why he Republicans won’t condemn you? I mean they promoted you to two committee assignments.

George Santos: Yeah, of course they did, Colin. I’m a team player and the sport is lies. At least mine are fun. Meanwhile, Marjorie Taylor Green’s over here saying 911 didn’t happen. I just said it happened to me.

Colin Jost: George Santos, everyone.

George Santos: Who? Oh me.

Weekend Update: Biden’s Classified Document Scandal, George Santos’ Lies

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

George Santos is facing multiple investigations for lying about nearly every aspect of his life, to make himself appear far more successful than he is, earning him the nickname Instagram. Of all of George Sanders’s lies, my favorite was that he was a standout volleyball player for Baruch College. Now, that is a fine thing to be, but an insane thing to pretend to be. Like that’s his fantasy? It’s like asking a kid what do they want to be when they grow up and they’re like, “I don’t know assistant manager at Kohl’s.”

[Picture changes to George Santos with two dogs.]

George Santos seen here with two people he listed as professional references, was described by fashion expert as being able to get away with his lies for so long because he was well dressed. This guy is well dressed? He looks like he’s trying to steal clothes by putting them on over what he wore into the store. And not to be a bitch, but can we talk about this look? I mean a blazer over a half zip? Girl not in my yacht party.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

Michael Che: A drag queen who claims she performed with George Santos said that George did not have the glamour to be a professional. But she said another drag queen and Congress is absolutely slaying as the character Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden.]

Earlier today, earlier today the FBI searched President Biden’s Delaware home and found six additional Obama era classified documents. Worse, one of them was Obama’s real birth certificate. It was hidden in a copy of blacktail magazine.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Joe Biden and Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: The Biden classified documents scandal and the Trump classified documents scandal are very different, but they do share one big thing in common. They both make Hillary Clinton want to blow her god damn brains out. It would have been so funny if they searched Biden’s garage and he had Hillary server.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis.]

Michael Che: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has proposed a new policy permanently banning mask mandates and vaccine requirements saying when the world lost its mind, Florida was a refuge of sanity. Then everyone in the crowd took a hit at nitrous and bitter cop.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump responded to reports that Ron DeSantis will run against him for the republican nomination saying “We’ll handle this the way I handle things.” So rough and without consent?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There.s a picture of US Capitol.]

Colin Jost: The US government hit its debt limit on Thursday and the country now risks defaulting on its bills. And look, we’ve all been there. You know? You spend too much because life’s too short and the bill comes due, the bank won’t loan your money anymore. Then you have no choice you have to buckle down, face the music and blow up your Staten Island Ferry for insurance money.

Weekend Update: Cathy Anne Says Goodbye for Now

Michael Che

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: 2022 is almost over and ooh, we did a lot happen. Here to help us make sense of it all is two time Heisman Trophy stealer, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in] [cheers and applause]

Cathy Anne: Hey. Ho-ho-ho, Michael Cho.

Michael Che: Hey Cathy, you look adorable. I love your Santa hat.

Cathy Anne: Oh yeah. Well, it’s covering up a giant open wound. I got a little bit Scout.

Michael Che: You got Scout?

Cathy Anne: Yeah. I fell asleep on an escalator. It is just a mess up here. But you know what? At least now the curtains match the drapes.

Michael Che: Yuck, Cathy Anne. What does that mean?

Cathy Anne: Yeah, let your mind go to the worst place and you figure it out.

Michael Che: Let’s get back on track, Cathy Anne. What’s got your goose tonight?

Cathy Anne: Well, thank you for asking, you sexy piece of crap. Actually, actually, I’m a little emo tonight, because truth is I’m here to say goodbye.

Michael Che: Wait, where are you going?

Cathy Anne: Turns out prison.

Michael Che: Prison?

Cathy Anne: Yeah. Well, the crimes I confessed to you here for the past several years finally caught up with me. Drug use, trespassing, destruction of property, crack, impersonating a police, meth and crack. Oh, and I’m doing a couple of Sonic attacks.

Michael Che: A sonic attack? Like what the Russians do with sound waves?

Cathy Anne: No. I did an upper decker at the soft server machine at Sonic. But a lot of people did end up with pretty bad headaches. Everything worked out, okay? Because I made a plea deal. I wound up getting life in prison.

Michael Che: That’s a bad deal.

Cathy Anne: Well, they wanted to kill me. And that kind of bring my chair back, made me watch him tested. Tuck a little hat on me and everything. Whow, that’s chilling.

Michael Che: I’m really sorry you’re going to prison.

Cathy Anne: Oh no, I’m not. I think it’s actually gonna give me some much needed stability. And I’m not just scared because I got friends on the inside. They seem to be doing okay. [There’s a picture of Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant inside jail] Yeah. And it’s okay. I had a good run. I mean, I met you, we fell in love. We made a sex tape.

Michael Che: Kathy Anne, you getting caught on my Ring cam masturbating is not a sex tape.

Cathy Anne: Potato Chlamado. That’s a spicy meat ball. Hey Colin, don’t you think I forgot about you. Here’s your picture of you may do an update together.

[There’s a picture of Colin Jost and Cecily Strong in old Weeked Update set]

Michael Che: Whoa! Cathy Anne, you look so different. What happened?

Cathy Anne: Okay, excuse me. Look at you. Have you seen you now versus when you started, Mr. Silver fact? Turn into Obama.

Michael Che: All right, that’s fair.

Cathy Anne: Listen, everybody has to go to jail at some point, right? It’s just my time now. But I had a lot of fun here. And I feel really lucky that I got to have so many of the best moments of my life in this place with these people that I love so much. [cheers and applause] But I know, I guess take that with a grain of salt being that I have addiction issues. It’s like another great drug addict once said, “There’s no place like home and there’s no home like the place where I’ve gotten yelled outside Michael Che’s window.” Don’t be sad, because remember… [singing] I did it high, Che.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody.

Cathy Anne: Oh my god, I lit it. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update: Colin’s Great Aunt Pat on Holiday Etiquette

Colin Jost

Pat… Heidi Gardner.

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Christmas is next week and we’re going to be back with our families. Here to talk about holiday etiquette is my great aunt Pat.

[Pat slides in]
[cheers and applause]

Hi, aunt Pat.

Pat: Hi, honey. You look dashing as ever. And my, how it’s nice to be back on Update.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah. Well, except you’ve never been here before.

Pat: Colin, where are your manners? Never ever question a lady, especially at Christmas time.

Colin Jost: Oh, I’m I’m so sorry. Welcome back to Update.

Pat: Thank you. Thank you. Now Colin, manners are the glue that holds society together. You know that you didn’t even greet me correctly

Colin Jost: I didn’t?

Pat: No. See at Christmas time, you always greet your elders with kiss on the lips.

Colin Jost: And why the lips?

Pat: Manners, Colin.

[Pat leans forward and Colin kisses her lips]
[cheers and applause]

Pat: My apologies, miss Scarlett. I’m your aunt, boy. I’m gonna need a drink after that. Where’s my butler? Mikey Day. Mikey Day!

[Mikey walks in wearing a suit]

Mikey: Yes, Pat.

Colin Jost: Wait, Mikey, you’re butlering for my Aunt Pat?

Mikey: Yeah, I’m like barely in any sketches this week, and I need money for Christmas. What can I get for you Pat?

Pat: I’ll take a slow gin juice.

Mikey: Okay.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Slow gin juice?

Pat: Yeah, slow gin juice from Jessebelle berry.

Colin Jost: What?

[Mikey brings her drink in]

Pat: Thank you, Mikey Day. [tips Mikey] And that will be all, Mikey Day.

Mikey: Okay.

[Pat pats on Mikey’s penis]

Pat: That’ll be all, Mikey Day. That’ll be all. You can go. That’ll be all. He worked for it. He worked for it.

Colin Jost: Aunt pat. Did you just tap his crotch?

Pat: What? You mean a bouf on the gooch? Gatsby loved to be greeted with a bouf on the gooch.

Colin Jost: Yeah, well, Gatsby is a fictional character, okay?

Pat: Colin? I just saw on your monitor, my slow gin juice has almost completely washed away my lip stain. Mikey Day! Mikey Day!

[Mikey walks in with a lipstick]

Mikey: Here you are, Pat.

Pat: No, remember? How I taught you? You apply it to your lips and then you put your lips on to mine.

Colin Jost: Mikey, really you don’t have to do this.

Pat: Manners, Colin. Manners.

Mikey: Oh, it’s like, breaking apart.

Pat: No, that’s okay. Come on, Mikey Day. Alright, Mikey Day. Alright.

[Mikey puts the lipstick on and rubs his lips on Pat’s lips.]

Oh, looks like we both ate smoked salmon for dinner. Thank you. Okay, okay. Thank you, Mikey day. [tips Mikey]

Mikey: Thank you.

Colin Jost: You only gave him $Colin Jost?

Pat: [patting on Mikey’s penis] That’ll be all, Mikey Day. Thank you so much. That’ll be all. That’ll be all. That’ll be all. Mikey! Thank you. That’ll be all.

Colin Jost: Aunt Pat, none of this seems like etiquette. It seems like you just want to kiss and fondo movie stars.

Pat: Colin. Movie stars? You boys aren’t movie stars. You’re TV Muppets.

Colin Jost: Aunt Pat, you’re out of control.

Pat: Oh no. I’m staying in here because I have a gift for you. Mikey Day!

Colin Jost: Okay, Mikey.

Mikey: Yes, Pat.

Pat: I want to give Colin his Christmas gift, but his lips are a little dry. Mikey Day, do what you do.

[Mikey Day puts lipstick on his lips and is walking near Colin]

Colin Jost: No, it’s okay. I put on a little… I put on a little lipstick before it came out. You don’t need to… You don’t need to do that. [Mikey is leaning towards Colin] That’s okay. [Mikey touches Colin’s lips with his]

Pat: Oh, yes.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you.

Pat: Yes. I’m having a slow gin juice of my own. Okay, me now. [Mikey Day puts his lips on Pat’s lips] Alright. Okay. Thank you, Mikey Day. [pats on Mikey’s penis] You can run along now.

Colin Jost: My great aunt Pat, everyone.

Pat: I’m reoccurring. I’m reoccurring.