Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Michael Che: Good evening everyone.
Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a rally at right top corner.]
Donald Trump had to cancel a rally in Chicago last night over security concerns. Believe it or not, the most racially divisive candidate showed up to the most violent city in the country and things did not go smoothly. Who would have thought? That when these people try to have a reasonable and productive conversation with this lady, [Picture changes to a lady raising her hand wearing Trump t-shirt in the crowd] somehow they couldn’t find common ground. What did they think was gonna happen? She was gonna lower her Nazi’s salute to say, “Hey, you know, you’re making a good point, Kareem.” Also, can we just talk about how adorable this little old racist lady is? She shouldn’t be at a rally. She should be at home teaching her parrot the N word. And where have I seen her before? She looks– [Picture changes to girl raising her hand emoji] Oh, there she is.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Then, after the whole incident at Chicago last night, Trump went to Ohio this morning and did this.[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]
Donald Trump: The liberals hate the conservatives. We have got to change our thinking. And yeah, if there’s a group out there, just throw them the hell out.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: So, he said, “Get the hell out” and then he did a twirl. Like Maury Povich just told him he’s not the father. And then later, Trump ragged that people have been protesting him his entire life as if that’s a normal good thing. Like saying, “Oh, this rash? It has always been there.” Trump is like that guy who says that every single one of his ex girlfriends has been ‘crazy’. I don’t know, man. I think it might be you.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at right top corner.]
Michael Che: By the way, if you’re going to a Trump rally to protest, god bless you coz I’m not. You won’t see me as some goofy Nazi prom getting punched in the face by some strong ass 80 year old racist. Look at this guy. He has been dreaming about punching a black dude since the first time he heard Jazz on the radio.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of John Kasich at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: During Thursday’s republican debate, John Kasich stressed the importance of legal immigration saying that without it, he’d been running for president of Croatia, where incidentally he’s also Trailing by 30points.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Ben Carson at right top corner.]
Michael Che: On Friday, Ben Carson endorsed Donald Trump for president saying he has the vision and energy to win. Because nobody knows more about vision and energy than the guy who looks like he’s just got hit with a tranquilizer dart.[Picture changes to Bernie Sanders]
An analysis of this past weekend’s primary victory shows that Bernie Sanders spent 48 cents per vote. It would have been a dollar but he had a coupon.