Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening everyone.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a rally at right top corner.]

Donald Trump had to cancel a rally in Chicago last night over security concerns. Believe it or not, the most racially divisive candidate showed up to the most violent city in the country and things did not go smoothly. Who would have thought? That when these people try to have a reasonable and productive conversation with this lady, [Picture changes to a lady raising her hand wearing Trump t-shirt in the crowd] somehow they couldn’t find common ground. What did they think was gonna happen? She was gonna lower her Nazi’s salute to say, “Hey, you know, you’re making a good point, Kareem.” Also, can we just talk about how adorable this little old racist lady is? She shouldn’t be at a rally. She should be at home teaching her parrot the N word. And where have I seen her before? She looks– [Picture changes to girl raising her hand emoji] Oh, there she is.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Then, after the whole incident at Chicago last night, Trump went to Ohio this morning and did this.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: The liberals hate the conservatives. We have got to change our thinking. And yeah, if there’s a group out there, just throw them the hell out.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, he said, “Get the hell out” and then he did a twirl. Like Maury Povich just told him he’s not the father. And then later, Trump ragged that people have been protesting him his entire life as if that’s a normal good thing. Like saying, “Oh, this rash? It has always been there.” Trump is like that guy who says that every single one of his ex girlfriends has been ‘crazy’. I don’t know, man. I think it might be you.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at right top corner.]

Michael Che: By the way, if you’re going to a Trump rally to protest, god bless you coz I’m not. You won’t see me as some goofy Nazi prom getting punched in the face by some strong ass 80 year old racist. Look at this guy. He has been dreaming about punching a black dude since the first time he heard Jazz on the radio.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of John Kasich at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During Thursday’s republican debate, John Kasich stressed the importance of legal immigration saying that without it, he’d been running for president of Croatia, where incidentally he’s also Trailing by 30points.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Friday, Ben Carson endorsed Donald Trump for president saying he has the vision and energy to win. Because nobody knows more about vision and energy than the guy who looks like he’s just got hit with a tranquilizer dart.

[Picture changes to Bernie Sanders]

An analysis of this past weekend’s primary victory shows that Bernie Sanders spent 48 cents per vote. It would have been a dollar but he had a coupon.

Weekend Update Nicole

Michael Che

Nicole… Sasheer Zamata

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: During the State of the Union, President Obama proposed the series of new measures to help the middle class get ahead. Here with her own tips on how to get your personal finances in order is Nicole, my ex girlfriend.

[Michael Che slides in]

Nicole: It’s a new year and if your personal finances aren’t where you want them, it’s a great time to start fresh and make changes.

Michael Che: Oh, what kind of changes, Nicole?

Nicole: Well, after our breakup, I joined a gym and I started journaling again and I feel like I’m really taking–

Michael Che: Nicole, I don’t really care about all of that. I mean…

Nicole: [angry voice] Wooooow!

Michael Che: Wait! That came out wrong.

Nicole: No, no, no, no! You’re right. Coz, why would you all of a sudden care about me?

[Michael Che sits quietly.]

Anyway, [Cut to Nicole] the first step is separating your assets from your liabilities because holding on to a bad investment for too long will do nothing but bring you down, [Cut to Nicole and Michael Che] Michael.

Michael Che: Nicole, are you serious right now?

Nicole: Number two, [Cut to Nicole] don’t wait too long to start saving for your future because that’s too little too late. Sort of like, bringing someone flowers a week after their birthday.

[Cut to Nicole and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Nicole, you liked flowers, first of all.

Nicole: Not from Walgreens. And they were still in the bag with a Red Bull and a Tinactin.

Number three, [Cut to Nicole] [yelling at Michael] when we were at Cancun, I asked you if you were seeing somebody. [Cut to Nicole and Michael Che] I asked if you were wasting my time. And you lied to my face.

Michael Che: There was nobody else. Ask Colin.

[Cut to Colin, Michael Che and Nicole. Nicole and Michael Che look at Colin] [Colin slowly slides away.]

Colin? Thanks dude!

[Cut to Nicole and Michael Che]

Nicole: Then why did I see you on Tinder?

Michael Che: Well, why were you on Tinder?

Nicole: To see if you were on Tinder.

Michael Che: [laughing] Can we just move along?

Nicole: Oh, I have moved a lot. I have a new man and I have never been happier.

Michael Che: Good. Great.

Nicole: Okay. Now, if you are settled with credit card debt, you need to–

Michael Che: [interrupting Nicole] Who?

Nicole: Who what?

Michael Che: I mean you said you’re seeing somebody. Who?

Nicole: [ignoring Michael Che] As I was saying–

Michael Che: [interrupting Nicole] I mean, I just think it’s weird that you’re already seeing someone and we just broke up. I mean, was it some kind of rebound thing?

[Riblet slides in]

Riblet: Uh, no. It’s kind of Riblet thing. Okay?

[Riblet puts his hand on Nicole’s shoulder.] [Cut to Nicole and Riblet]

Um, this just did, Che. I got your jorb. I got your girl. And I got another mic.

[Riblet drops the mic on the table] [Cut to Michael Che, Nicole and Riblet]

Michael Che: Who keeps giving him mics? Nicole and Riblet, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Michael Che: Where were you, man?

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to weekend update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of New York city and Ebola virus at left top corner.]

Thursday, officials confirmed the first case of Ebola in New York. So, it’s official, New York city has all the diseases.

[Picture changes to New York city map]

According to reports, before the New York city doctor diagnosed with Ebola began showing symptoms, he went for a run, visited the high line, then took three different subways and went to a bowling alley in Brooklyn. This dude did more in a day with Ebola than I’ve done all month. I’m starting to think that he has not Ebola but more, he just like, drank a Red Bull. I’m just kidding. Red Bull is way worse for you.

[Picture changes to a bowling alley]

And now owners of the Brooklyn bowling alley where New York doctor with Ebola visited, are having the entire facility professionally cleaned. Thus, making it no longer technically a bowling alley.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s is a picture of US country and Ebola virus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new phone poll, 45% of Americans are concerned that they’ll get Ebola. The other 55% wouldn’t answer the phone because they thought that might be the way you get Ebola.

[Picture changes to a man with full protection suit on]

I’m sick of the Ebola panic. I mean, where I have I heard this before? It’s mostly white people afraid of it, but it’s killing mostly black people. Kind of like, black people. I’m not saying black people are like Ebola. I’m saying we’re treated the same. I mean nobody thinks about us till we show up in your neighborhood at your favorite bowling alley and go home with a few white girls. And then it’s, “Oh, we got to do something about this.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of basketball and a football at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new report was released this week accusing UNC of more than Colin Jost8 years of academic fraud, involving more than 3,000 student athletes. UNC student athletes refuted the report calling it both, ungood and distrue.