Chen Biao … Bowen Yang
Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]
Michael Che: Next week China is set to visit the White House and discuss this ongoing trade war. Here to comment is Chinese trade representative, Chen Biao.[Chen Biao slides in]
Chen Biao: [Speaking in Chinese language] [Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]
Michael Che: I’m sorry, Mr. Biao. Thanks for being here. But sorry, do you speak English?
Chen Biao: Yes, fluently. And that’s what’s called the power move. What’s up Che?
Michael Che: All right. So, as the Chinese trade representative, this must be a stressful time for you, right?
Chen Biao: I mean, [Cut to Chen Biao] you guys increased taxes on our imports, we increase taxes on yours. Meanwhile, I’m in the middle of it all and you know, I hate the attention. JK, I’m balling out right now because I’m the top tariff task master.[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]
Michael Che: I got to say, this was not the attitude I was expecting from a top Chinese government official.[Cut to Chen Biao]
Chen Biao: Yes, well I’m running tarrifs. So, this is my time. I’m having my moment. I’m basically the Lizzo of China right now. And turns out I’m 100% that trade daddy. Everyone is texting me on WeChat like, “Oh my god, I’ve loved you since the jump.” And I just leave them unread because booked on blood.[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]
Michael Che: All right, China can’t keep this going forever.
Chen Biao: Oh, yeah? You need us more than we need you because [Cut to Chen Biao] we can survive without your movie starring the rock. But good luck without iPhones. How can you text us in the middle of the night like, “You up? Can you investigate Joe Biden for me?” Stupid![Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Americans are afraid the trade war might cause a recession. I mean ,is there any fear like that in China?[Cut to Chen Biao]
Chen Biao: No way, fam. In fact, we’ve just raised our tariff on American soy beans, so save some of your Tempeh for us, Mackenzie.[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Who is Mackenzie?
Chen Biao: I don’t know. Probably some sophomore at Vassar who drinks out of a metal straw and it’s such a performance.
Michael Che: All right, US tariffs on China are going up 30%.
Chen Biao: 30%. Who cares? [Cut to Chen Biao] I get 30% when my waiter has beefy traps. Look, this trade war is tit for tat, baby. And in China we got some tiggle bitties. I’m talking back pay.[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]
Michael Che: So, are you planning on being in this mode at the White House next week?
Chen Biao: Oh, tots! And look, Don Don, [Cut to Chen Biao] you want to play ball with big red? We actually built our wall. And you can see that from space. We measure time in seasons but you measure it in seasons of ‘Gray Anatomy’. So, step through this, and I will step back in my limited edition lunar new year Air Jordans.[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody.
Chen Biao: I actually liked Hobbs and Shaw a lot. I liked it.