Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]
Colin Jost: Good evening.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of a news article that says ‘Impeachment inquiry launched for pressuring Ukraine’ at left top corner.]
Well—easy. This week President Trump was accused of shady mafia-style shakedown of the Ukraine. But luckily Trump’s lawyer was able to smooth it over with professionalism and class.[Cut to a video clip of live news where lawyers are shouting at each other.] Colin Jost: By the way, it looks like the world’s angriest game of guess who. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] And now democrats are moving toward impeaching Trump, which should feel like a huge historic moment but with Trump even impeachment just feels silly. You know, like the movie “Nixon” was a serious film directed by Oliver Stone. The movie about Trump is going to be from the dudes who brought you “American Pie”. And by the way, the one thing we haven’t heard from the White House all week about this is a denial. Trump just keeps saying that all the information is bad because it’s all secondhand. It’s like if the cops asked if you murdered someone and instead saying, “No, I didn’t”, you said, “Who told you that, Ron?” [Cut to Michael Che.]
Michael Che: Alright. Maybe I just don’t understand politics well because when they said Trump is getting impeached, I immediately thought Great, Trump’s fired, let’s get drunk. But they’re like, “No, he’s just being impeached but he ain’t exactly peached yet. It’s still going take another year or so.” And I’m like, “Damn, that sucks, let’s get drunk.” I mean, the president is only a four-year job but it feels like it’s taking them five years to just fire his add. It’s frustrating. You know, I bet somebody explained how long impeachment takes to John Wilkes booth and he was like, “Okay, well, where is he at right now?”[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump and Adam Schiff at left top corner]
Colin Jost: Trump also attacked CNN for saying he spelled the world little wrong. Look at this insanity. [Cut to a tweet from Donald Trump] I used the world liddle’, not liddle in describing corrupt congressman Liddle’ Adam Schiff. Low ratings CNN purposely took the hyphen out and said I spelled the word ‘little’ wrong.” [Cut to Colin Jost] First of all, it’s an apostrophe, not a hyphen. I’m sorry to be a grammar Nazi. I know you hate one of those things. Then president Adderall attacked Joe Biden, saying that if Joe Biden was a republican he’d be getting the electric chair. Though in fairness both Trump and Biden are going to be in electric chairs [Cut to Joe Biden and Donald Trump on an electric scooter] pretty soon.