Colin Jost[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Disney World at the top right corner.]
Michael Che: Disney announced that it’s theme parks will start selling vegan food options. Finally, something at Disney where there won’t be a line.[Picture changes to a news article that says ‘Passenger opens exit for fresh air’]
A flight in China was delayed after a passenger opened an emergency exit door because she wanted a breath of fresh air. Which was clearly a lie because we all know China doesn’t have fresh air.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Placido Domingo at top left corner.]
Colin Jost: The New York metropolitan opera announced that singer Flacido Domingo has stepped down after accusations of sexual misconduct. He will be replaced by his far left sexually aggressive understudy [Picture changes of Flacido Domingo with angry expression] Flaccido Domingo.[The picture changes to The national toy hall of fame.]
The national toy hall of fame has announced it’s 12 finalists for this year’s class including care bears, jenga, my little pony and longshot nominee [Picture changes to a kid with a burning match stick.] matches.[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a news article that says ‘Woman trapped by camel’ with a picture of camel.]
Michael Che: A woman in Louisiana who became trapped under a camel freed herself by biting the animal’s testicles. The idea came to her after she wasted four hours licking them.[The picture changes to a symbol of white supremacists]
A civil rights group has added 36 new symbols to it’s data base of symbols used by white supremacists, including the OK hand gesture, a moon wearing sunglasses and of course this photo. [Picture changes to Colin Jost] [Cut to Colin Jost confused. There is a picture of JUUL at top left corner.]
Colin Jost: E-cigarette maker Juul’s CEO has stepped down amid new concerns over the safety of vaping. Through keep in mind the CEO of Juul is just a can of 4 Loco with a sex addiction.
Michael Che: Whoa.[Picture changes to an airport]
Colin Jost: A new airport has opened in China that has the world’s largest terminal and can handle 72 million passengers a year. Not to be outdone, officials at Newark just slid a coaster under a corner to keep the airport from wobbling.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
For ‘Weekend Update” I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.