Michael Che: Rapper Kanye West released his new gospel album, “Jesus is King” yesterday, and it’s also been reported that Kanye will be altering his old hits with more G-rated lyrics. So, yay. At first, I thought Kanye was losing his mind and now I think he’s fine, he’s just turning into an old white lady. He used to be one of the coolest black dudes on earth, now he’s showing up to events in sweat pants and orthopedic sneakers looking like Kenny G. and trying to get black people to like Trump. How long before this guy changes his name to Cathy? You may think I’m crazy, but about five years ago, there was a fellow named Bruce Jenner–[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of two female astronauts at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Pretty much ended. Yeah, that’s great. Two women on the international space station made history with the first all-female spacewalk which was marked by live television coverage and a male astronaut inside the space station yelling, “Kiss!”[Picture changes to Brett Kavanaugh]
A new poll shows that the best-known supreme court justice is now Brett Kavanaugh. Sort of in the same way that the best-known sandwich mascot is [Picture changes to Jared Fogle with Subway watermark on it.] Jared Fogle.[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Boston city at right top corner.]
Michael Che: All right. Name another one. Lawmakers in Boston are considering a new law that would make it illegal to call someone a bitch. Unless, of course, that person is wearing a Yankee’s hat. [Picture changes to a solar-powered boat] To celebrate the 400th anniversary of “The May Flower”, a solar-powered boat will cross the atlantic. Personally, I’m not celebrating any ship that crossed the Atlantic 400 years ago. Fool me twice, shame on me.[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture a rat at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: An art student in Norway has trained her pet rat to make tiny paintings with his feet. Critics call the paintings bad even by rat standards.[Picture changes to a Target logo and an Olaf snowman]
Police in Florida arrested a man in a local target for masturbating with an Olaf doll. Worse, he let it go. Now, I think it’s weird to use an Olaf doll because most people just their hands. [Picture changes to cartoon character Hans.] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
For “Weekend Update”, I’m Colin Jost. \
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che! Good night.