Weekend Update Foie Gras Ban and 67-Year-Old Woman Gives Birth

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of New York city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A law has been proposed in New York city banning the sale of the delicacy of Foie Gras which is traditionally made by force feeding ducks. So, in New York, it’s made whenever a pigeon falls into boiling hot dog water. [Picture changes to a hotdog stand] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a shark at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A 2,000 pound shark has recently been spotted swimming along the east coast. Not to be confused with the 2,000 pound shark recently spotted at a comedy show. [Picture changes to Harvey Weinstein.] A handsome fellow there.

[Picture changes to apple logo and emojis]

Apple has introduced nearly 60 new emoji characters including a skunk, an oyster, and a drop of blood, which coincidentally is the exact recipe for mountain dew.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of stair case from the movie Joker.]

Colin Jost: A staircase in Bronx that was featured in the movie Joker is becoming a major tourist attraction. Specially among couples where the girlfriend has no say. [Michael Che laughing] [Picture changes to a university logo]

The university of Arizona announced that it will stop referring to itself as UA, and now be known as U. Arizona. Is it just me or does that U. Arizona sound like the punch line to a joke about Arizona stereotypes? Like, if you’ve even gotten a D.U.I. in a golf cart, you Arizona.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of a baby at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A 67-year-old woman in China gave birth this week. The birth set a record for most friction. See. No, no, see, cause you guys don’t realize it, but that joke took me like four hours to write. I had much better punch lines, but the fellows at NBC standards said they were all too dirty. Like, first I was going to say, “I hope that kid likes his milk chalky.” But they, they say you can’t say that on TV. It was my second favorite punch line. My first favorite being, “She can breast-feed just by standing over the crib.” That’s a good one, right? No, NBC said too gross. Which is ridiculous. Too gross would be like if I said, “Doctors described the birth as quote, ‘Like pulling a penny out of a wad of gum.’” That’s too gross. Even I wouldn’t tell that joke on TV.