Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon
Colin Jost
[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]
Colin Jost: Last week, former Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced a bid to regain his Alabama senate seat by releasing an ad campaign, “so complimentary of Trump” that many called it ‘groveling and pathetic’. Here to comment, Jeff sessions.
[Jeff Sessions joins Colin Jost.]
Jeff Sessions: Hello, Colin. Jeff. It’s good to be here.
Colin Jost: Mr. Sessions, welcome back. I’m so excited to talk about your campaign.
Jeff Sessions: Oh, me too. But actually, do you mind if I have a little bite of food before we start?
[Jeff Sessions takes a big fruit out and starts chewing]
Colin Jost: What is that, senator?
[Cut to Jeff Sessions]
Jeff Sessions: Oh, this is a sesame seed. Just like the kind that was on Mr. Trump’s big mac buns.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]
Colin Jost: I have to say, it sounds like you really miss him.
Jeff Sessions: Oh, I do, I do. But I know he still cares about me. See, don’t forget, [Cut to Jeff Sessions] I was the very first person to endorse Mr. Trump. I’m a pioneer. Like Neil Armstrong. Only instead of flying to the moon, I dug straight down to hell.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]
Colin Jost: A lot of people are saying that you’re just kind of sucking up to the president.
Jeff Sessions: Sucking up? No. Does this sound like sucking up to you?
[Cut to Jeff Sessions doing his commercial live]
Hello. I’m Jeff Sessions and I love you, Mr. Trump. When you fired me, did I write some nasty tell-all book? No. Did I get mad when you called me Mr. Magoo but Fuglier? No. when you called animal control on me, well, I just got in that little cage. So, vote for Jeff Sessions, because I will bend over backwards for you, Alabama, and I will bend over forward for Mr. Trump.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]
Colin Jost: Jeff. Come on!
Jeff Sessions: That was pretty good.
Colin Jost: Pretty good? It felt like a message from a hostage video. A lot of people are saying you have Stockholm syndrome.
[Cut to Jeff Sessions]
Jeff Sessions: Well, that’s a damn lie. I do not have Stockholm syndrome.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]
Colin Jost: I just don’t understand– I don’t understand a couple of things. I don’t understand why you would want the approval of someone who has called you some pretty harsh names?
Jeff Sessions: OH, Colin, hush your mouth. We buried that hatchet in my latest ad. Look at this.
[Cut to Jeff Sessions doing his commercial live]
Hello, I’m Jeff Sessions, or as my hero Mr. Trump has called me, dumb Southerner, Dumb Ass Southerner, Dumb Southerner Dumb Ass, Deep fried idiot, two shrimps short of a gum and messed up baby. And I forgot where I was going with this but I will fight for you, Alabama, and I will let you hunt me for sport, Mr. Trump.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]
Colin Jost: Jeff, come on. Where is your dignity? How do you sleep at night?
Jeff Sessions: Why I would sheep at night? That’s when everybody throws out their apple cores.
Colin Jost: I think these ads are making you look kind of weak, you know? One conservative pundit recently asked if you still had your balls.
Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. I rescued myself from them a long time ago.
[Cut to Jeff Sessions. He wears Trump’s red hat.]
Mr. Trump, please look after my balls. Keep them safe in your jacket pocket next to Mitch McConnell’s or dangling off your golf cart like a pair of nuts. In conclusion, vote for me and I will go to back for Alabama and I’ll go to third base for you Mr. Trump.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Jeff Sessions]
Colin Jost: No, you’re not gonna win.
Jeff Sessions: Oh, fine! He can round the basement.
Colin Jost: Jeff Sessions everyone.
Jeff Sessions: This is my legacy. This is my legacy.