Weekend Update Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Facebook announced that they’ll add a dating feature to their mobile app competing with apps like Tinder and OkCupid. Here with her thoughts is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whooo! What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: How’s it going, Leslie? So, you think you’re gonna use this new dating app on Facebook?

Leslie Jones: Hell, no. Because the truth is I pick the worst men. But that’s because there are so many bad men to choose from. Coz they always thinking with their penis, right?

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. We sure do.

[Leslie Jones stares at Colin Jost angrily]

Leslie Jones: Shut up. And I have dated some terrible men. But what I learn is that I’m not attracting these men. I am picking these men. But that is tonight. So, I wanna have a tribute to all the ragly ass men who I thought I could rescue like the dogs they were. But I couldn’t. And let me tell you these stories are real. But the pictures are fake to protect the innocent. Ain’t nobody innocent.

[melodic music playing in the background] [singing] In the arms of an angel
fly away from here

[A man’s picture appears in the screen]

Stacey. I bought that man groceries one time. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] This man is 30 years old, y’all. I brought the groceries to his house and his mama whose house he lived in put her hand on my shoulder and whispered, “I had that boy. And I know you can do much better.”

[Another man’s picture appears in the screen]

Rodney, he had four kids and six babies mamas. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] I don’t even know how math work on that. And then he had the nerve to tell me that he had a part time job. Well, you got a full time family, Rodney! And they need your ass to work, not to be a rapper who works at Panera Bread.

[singing] In the arms of an angel
fly away from here

[Another man’s picture appears in the screen]

Chester. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] He picked me up for a date and I didn’t even know he was homeless. Even though he had all of his stuff in the back of his car. I was like, “So you ride around with a toaster and an iron back there?” And he said, “I was moving.” Well, by the end of the day, I found that he was moving in with me.

[Another black man’s picture appears in the screen]

Cimor. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] I met his ass in Jamaica. But I Jamaica a mistake-a. He said he was going to teach me a few things but all he taught me was how to cry in hotel rooms. Boy, you think you don’t like hearing people have sex through the wall of your hotel? Well, try listening to a bitch cry for six hours while playing Mary J. Blige.

[singing] In the arms of an angel

[Colin Jost’s picture appears in the screen]

Colin. [Cut back to Weekend Update set] He was so cute and sweet and kind but it would never work because he gay.

Colin Jost: I am not gay. I told you, I have a girlfriend.

Leslie Jones: And I have told you that I am not acknowledging that bitch. You need to prove that you are not gay or I’m going to keep telling everybody that you are.

[singing] fly away from here

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone.

Leslie Jones: [yelling] Chester, call me. I got a new apartment.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.