Weekend Update R. Kelly Held without Bail

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a dog and dog food at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A number of companies have started offering plant based dog food options, perfect for anyone who wants to pick up liquid dukie with a plastic bag.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of R Kelly at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Lawyers for R. Kelly, who is being held without bail, are complaining that the singer is only allowed to visit with one of his girlfriends at a time. Worse, visiting hours conflict with their schedule of their middle school.

[The picture changes to a glass of red wine.]

A new study suggests that fathers to be should stop drinking alcohol six months before trying to conceive a child. The study’s goal was to end Ireland.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a news article at left top corner that says ‘Man Hit in Testicle’.]

Michael Che: A Manhattan attorney has filed a $100,000 lawsuit against a batting cage company after a faulty machinefired a 75mph fastball into his left testicle. I guess, ball one.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: A new study found cats bond with people like dogs do but they’re too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat ‘Dad’.

[Picture changes to a news article with a title ‘Man Can’t Find Car After a Week’.]

A man who drove his car to a music festival still cannot remember where he parked his car a week after the show. We hope you make it back soon, [Picture changes to Pete Davidson] Pete.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a pet horse at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Residents on Staten Island are upset with a local man who keeps a pet horse in his yard saying the animal smells and attracts flies. You know what else smells and attracts flies? Staten Island.

[Picture changes to a news article ‘Billboard Displays Porn.]

Two people in Michigan accessed the computer billboard along a highway and changed a display to show a pornographic movie. As a result, police say there were a record number of Carjacking.