Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[Cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che. I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: As impeachment gains momentum, president Trump said he may stop referring to the media as ‘Fake News’. And start calling them ‘Corrupt news’. And the media says they may stop referring to him as ‘President Trump’ and start calling him former president Trump.[Cheers and applause]
Trump has brushed off any concern about impeachment saying, “I’m used to it. It’s like putting on a suit.” Meaning it’s a massive daily struggle that takes up most of his mornings. This week we also started seeing evidence of the white house covering up the Ukraine scandal, like one not all suspicious text that said, “There were no quid pro quos of any kind.” Unfortunately the next text was the wink emoji, cash emoji, crazy wink emoji and then the Guiliani emoji.[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Trump keeps saying there was no quid pro quo, which can only mean there was mad quid pro quo. Whenever a guy with like a 30 word vocabulary starts quoting the law in Latin it’s because breaks the law all the time. That’s only something you can learn the hard way. There’s guys that can barely count but can somehow tell you exactly how much cocaine you can get caught with before it’s considered trafficking. That’s three grams, by the way.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Then Trump publicly asked China to investigate Joe Biden, because apparently Trump thinks that’s what presidents should do.[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump speaking]
Donald Trump: This was not about politics. This is about corruption. And if you look and you read our constitution and many other things, we—I have an obligation to look at corruption. I have an actual obligation and a duty.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: First of all, you’re screaming. Just a thought, maybe don’t hold all your press conferences next to an active helicopter. Also you’re going after Joe Biden for corruption? I mean, the guy lives in Delaware. He still takes a train to work every day. If he’s stealing billions of dollars, he’s waiting a long time to spend it.[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Trump hasn’t been handling this impeachment news well. He’s been on a twitter rampage. He’s openly called for China to investigate Joe Biden. It also came out that Trump suggested adding a moat filled with alligators and snakes to his proposed border wall. I don’t know how to say this, but are we sure that it’s okay to make fun of this guy? Did you ever read “Of mice and men”? Remember how Lenny was really strong? What if Trump is really strong? I’ve got a cousin who is also very strong. He loves Alligators too. But we don’t make fun of him. Trump tweeted 800 times in the past month. For context, Crissy Teigen tweeted 218 times. Now obviously I feel like the president should be a lot busier than Crissy Teigen. But if Trump is as strong as I think he is, then good job, big bella.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Nickelback meme at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Twitter removed an anti-Joe Biden Nickelback meme that was posted by the president.
Michael Che: See, he’s strong.
Colin Jost: Which is a sentence that if you had said it at any other time in history, would have meant that you were in the middle of a stroke. I also want to point out that Nickelback is Canadian. So Trump was still technically using foreigners to go after Joe Biden.[The picture changes to Bernie Sanders] In the third quarter of this year, Bernie Sanders raised $25 million and then did what any 78-year-old would do after winning $25 million, he had a heart attack.