Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: And I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Well, it’s been another less-than-ideal week for president Trump. A top diplomat confirmed the quid pro quo with Ukraine. Public support for impeachment rose to over half the country. And they even took Trump’s name off his own skating rinks in New York. You know you’re losing support among white voters when you can’t even appeal to ice skaters. But earlier today, Trump fired back at all of his critics with this tweet. [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet] Four dots. That was the whole tweet. And while you might think it’s a mistake, it’s still up on his account and it’s got 41,000 likes. Four dots is maybe the most omnious think you could possibly tweet when you’re president, except what he tweeted just an hour ago, which was, [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s another tweet] “Something very big has just happened,” with no further explanation. Which with Trump could mean, we either just invaded Mexico or [Picture changes to McRib box] the McRib is back. But still, [Picture changes to a house republicans] Trump has his supporters, a group of house republicans led by live-action Quagmire, Matt Gaetz stormed into a hearing room during testimony during the impeachment inquiry, and these republicans were not happy with how Trump was being treated.[Cut to a video clip of Matt Gaetz’s speech]
Matt Gaetz: If a government can do this to the president of the United States, they can do it to you as well. You need to be scared. You need to be very scared.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Yet, somehow, not scared. I just don’t think that the average American is scared that they’re going to lost their job for withholding military aid for Ukraine. This protest was so lame that halfway through, the republicans [Picture changes to the republicans enjoying pizza. there’s a pile of pizza boxes.] ordered a pizza. And a reporter took this photo and my favorite part is this staff member’s [picture is zoomed to a woman looking at the camera] reaction once they saw the pizzas. It’s the kind of expression that says, [Trump’s tweet pops on her head] “Oh, something every big just happened.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at right top corner.]
Michael Che: NBC news reporter accidentally got a butt dialed voice mail from Rudy Giuliani, in which he talked about overseas deals, Joe Biden and then asked for a few hundred thousand dollars. Man, what the hell happened to Rudy Giuliani? I’m a New Yorker. I remember Giuliani coming out of TV during 9/11 so calm and measured and he told us not to worry. And now I watch him on TV and I’m like, wait, did this guy even understand what was going on then? Or was he like Forest Gump in Vietnam? Somehow Giuliani went from the mayor of 9/11 to 9/11 of mayors.[Cut to Coling Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Senator and ghost pointing the murder happened, Mitch McConnell, denied a claim that he referred to the Ukraine Call as “Perfect”, because the only time Mitch McConnell has every said something was perfect is when he saw a child drop her ice cream cone and lose her balloon at the same time.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Alexandria Ocasi-Cortez and Bernie Sanders holding and raising their hands at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Representative Alexandria Ocasi-Cortez has endorsed Bernie Sanders for president. Damn, another young woman turning to an older man promising to pay for college. You hate to see it, Colin, you really do. That’s O for two?[Cut to Coling Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders an a marijuana leaf at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Bernie Sanders announced his plan to legalize marijuana on Thursday at 4:20 because he likes his voters like he likes his taxes, high as hell.[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton and Tuldi Gabbard]
Hillary Clinton indicated on a recent podcast that she believes that presidential candidate Tuldi Gabbard is being groomed by Russian intelligence. While Bernie Sanders is being groomed by a leaf blower. [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders with his messed up hair.]