Colin Jost[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro.]
Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Speaker 1: Thanks, good evening, everyone.
Speaker 2: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.
Speaker 1: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
President Trump announced that he’s changing his permanent residence from New York to Florida. ‘Cause you know what they say, if you can’t drain the swamp, move to it. I gotta say, this is such a genius troll move that Trump raised taxes for New Yorkers and then left New York. It’s like ripping one in an elevator, then pressing all the buttons and running out. Trump also said he’s leaving New York because local politicians have treated him very badly. Especially one New York politician [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani] who has been actively destroying his life.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Speaker 2: I don’t blame Trump for moving. He got booed today in New York at the UFC fight. He got booed in DC at the world series. Now, he’s moving to Florida so he can get booed at Disney World. He gets booed everywhere he’s ever lived. I mean, [Picture changes to Bill Cosby] even Cosby can still play Philly. You have to be a special kind of guy for New Yorkers to unanimously hate you. I mean, we’ve put up with a lot of bad people. Just today I had a fellow yell the “N” word at me on the subway with a hard “E-R”, and even still I don’t hate him. I just finished peeing and switched cars.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Nancy Pelosi at left top corner.]
Speaker 1: [laughing] Today? The house formalized impeachment inquiry on Thursday. And while it’s the tradition for the speaker of the house not to vote on resolutions, Nancy Pelosi did vote ‘Yes’ to make a point. But I think she went a little too far. When she celebrated world cup style.[Picture changes to Beto O’Rourke]
Beto O’Rourke announced he’s dropping out of 2020 presidential race. Said Beto, “Ay, Caramba, no I presidente power me.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a wildfire at right top corner.]
Speaker 2: Well, you know things are bad when a whole state is on fire and it’s like, the third biggest story of the week. It’s been reported now the most recent wildfires in the Southern California is threatening millions of dollars worth of avocados. White women are devastated. The state is allowing nonviolent prisoners to help fight the wildfires which is ridiculous because you definitely want to use the violent prisoners for that, right? I mean, if my house is on fire, don’t send me those fellows in for tax frauds. Send me somebody that’s going to make that fire their bitch. Somebody that’s really good with water because they spend all their time hanging out in the showers. [Michael Che crosses his joke on his paper] Nope! Can’t say that.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]
Speaker 1: It was reported that just after president Trump named Rudy Giuliani as his cyber security adviser in 2017. Giuliani went to an Apple store for help after he entered the wrong password in his phone 10 times and permanently locked himself out. Even worse, he went to this apple store. [Picture changes to a fruit shop] By the way, of course Giuliani’s iPhone wouldn’t unlock, because even Apple’s face ID couldn’t recognize the man Rudy has become.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Jeffrey Epstein at right top corner.]
Speaker 2: A forensic pathologist hired by Jeffrey Epstein’s family is claiming that this death was not a suicide, but that he was murdered. [Suspicious sound played by the studio] That costs us 250 grand. Everybody he’s a crazy conspiracy for this fellow’s death. Oh, the Clintons had him killed, Trump had him killed, the Russians did it. Anything but the boring story that he broke his own neck trying to masturbate with a belt. [Suspicious sound played by the studio] [Michael Che laughing] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Katie Hill at left top corner.]
Speaker 1: Freshman representative Katie Hill resigned amid allegations that she had an affair with a staff member who had a three way relationship with Hill and her former husband. It’s a shame because Hill was a rare politician who could help two parties come together.[Picture changes to Elizabeth Warren.]
Elizabeth Warren released a detailed plan for funding medicare for all that promises not to raise middle class taxes by one penny, but instead by several trillion pennies.