Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
You guys are not gonna believe this. But Alex Jones and Kanye West got together this week. And it didn’t go great. Kanye West made anti semitic jokes and said “I like Hitler,” which is also the password he used to get into Mar-a-Lago. At this point, I don’t think Kanye is off his meds so much as he’s immune to them. We’re basically dealing with the Omicron variant of Kanye. We thought he fade away but now we realize we may have to live with a brain fog of long haul Kanye. What I don’t understand about this Kanye stuff is if Jews do control the media, then how are we still seeing a new interview with Kanye every day? Also, if Jews control the media, explain the 80 foot Christmas tree outside of NBC.
Michael Che: President Biden signed a measure that would force railway workers to accept the deal that averts a strike but does not include paid sick leave. Why do you expect Biden to care about sick leave when he shows up to work every day with full blown CTE?
The Senate passed the Respect for Marriage Act which solidifies federal protections for interracial marriages. Okay, but if I marry a white lady who’s gonna protect me from my mother?
Colin Jost: The Georgia Senate run off set records for early voting. Herschel Walker has always encouraged his supporters to take care of voting early before it becomes a problem.
Michael Che: Colin. President Biden has recommended that South Carolina become the first state to vote in the Democratic primaries to give black voters more of a voice in selecting the 2024 candidate. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump also plans to give black voters a voice with this puppet.
Colin Jost: There’s growing support to move the first democratic primary from Iowa to South Carolina, but why would you just move it to another boring state? You know, start the primaries with a bang in Florida. Right? Instead of watching a politician eat a corndog at the Iowa State Fair, imagine Pete Buttigieg smoking meth shirtless at Gator lands as he battles for the state’s key demographic ‘grandmas under 30’. Right? You know, at the end of the day, Florida may not give us FDR or JFK, but it will definitely give us HPV.
Michael Che: Federal jury has found Oathkeepers leader Stewart Rhodes guilty of seditious conspiracy for his actions on January 6. Rhodes plans to appeal the verdict because he feels the trial like his vision was very one sided.
Colin Jost: Questions are being raised about Vladimir Putin’s health after he fell down the stairs at his home and soiled himself. Questions like “Is there a video?”
Michael Che: An apple factory in China is expected to cut production of iPhones by 6 million in response to ongoing worker protests. The workers main demand is more playtime. I’m shocked too, guys.
Colin Jost: It was announced that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reached a settlement in their divorce, and I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that she may be had an easier time finding a good lawyer.