Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]
President Biden’s scene here begging for one more year before the midterms warned about Republican candidates who say they will refuse to accept election results warning they could set the nation on a path to chaos. So wait, this is just the path to chaos. I thought we’d been living in chaos for at least six years. I mean, Nancy Pelosi’s husband was attacked in their home by a guy with a hammer. And instead of even basic sympathy, Republicans were like, “We heard he gay.” Donald Trump Jr. mocked the attack on Pelosi’s his husband by posting an image of a hammer and a pair of underpants with a message “Got my Paul Pelosi Halloween costume ready.” And I would agree that Don Jr. is probably the expert on getting hammered in your underwear. Also Don Jr., is that your underwear man? Why is that so dirty and stretched out? Like you were trying to burn Paul Pelosi but now I’m just wondering if you wear your dad’s old underwear.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyrie Irving at right top corner.]
Michael Che: After meeting with the anti Defamation League, Kyrie Irving announced that from now on he will pretend to not be anti semitic. Brooklyn Nets star Kyrie Irving was suspended after he tweeted a link to the anti semitic film “Hebrew to Negros: wake up black America.” In the Hebrew to Negros was also the name of my favorite r&b group in the 90s.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Oprah Winfrey at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Just days before the midterm elections, Oprah Winfrey endorsed John Fetterman instead of the monster she unleashed upon us. Is it crazy that Oprah gave Dr. Oz his career and even she’s turned against him? It’s like if Robin ran for mayor of Gotham and Batman was like, “I fully endorse penguin.”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama and Herschel Walker at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Herschel Walker responded to Barack Obama criticizing his qualifications to be in the Senate by saying “Put my resume against his resume.” Fine. So here’s Obama’s resume and here’s Herschel Walker’s. It’s better than I thought.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Economy adds over Michael 200,000 jobs” at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: It’s better. The latest jobs report shows that last month, the US economy added over 200,000 jobs. “We’ll see about that,” said Elon Musk. This is interesting since Elon Musk took over Twitter, use of the N word on the site has reportedly jumped 500%. It’s the biggest increase in the use of the N word since the last time I stubbed my toe.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kanye West at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Kanye West was suspended from Instagram again for posting a disparaging message about Jewish people. Seems like he’s doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, which I’ve heard is the definition of something. I’m noticing a trend with Kanye. His business deals went bad and he just started calling it a Jewish conspiracy. Sort of like when his albums got bad and he just started calling it gospel.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people running a marathon at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Tomorrow is the New York City Marathon or as Fox News will report it “Undocumented Africans one wild in streets of New York”.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chinese flag at left top corner.]
Michael Che: China has launched the third and final module for its permanent space station. Now all they have to do was launched some children to assemble it.
[picture changes to an article that says “Employers must disclose salary range”]
New York City is now requiring employers to disclose salary ranges in all job listings. Employers must list everything ranging from the top salary all the way down to the female salary.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of CNN logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: CNN has announced that due to budget cuts, they are scaling back on original series and documentaries. Yeah, apparently there was a flaw with the business model of giving Stanley Tucci millions of dollars to eat Gilato.
[picture changes to a man carrying a handgun]
A Zoo in Atlanta will allow visitors to carry firearms. So you want to try laughing at me again monkeys?
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of North Korean flag at right top corner.]
Michael Che: What happened to you, man? Tensions are on the rise after North Korea launched more than 20 missiles into the ocean and all because the Little Mermaid is black. [laughing] It’s not real.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a person writing a list.]
Colin Jost: Our linguistics expert has released a list of the most beautiful sounding baby names with the top spots once again going to Matthew and Sophia, while the worst sounding names are Moist and Slurp.
[picture changes to a grenade]
Police in Oregon are warning residents about several hand grenades that have washed ashore on a beach. The hand grenades were discovered when one beach goer said “Mommy look at this shell I fo…[pauses]”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a sun at right top corner.]
Michael Che: NASA has released an image of the Sun in which it appears to be smiling. So if the sun can smile, would it kill you ladies to try it?
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Mother leaves child at home to go day drinking” at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: In Arizona, woman was arrested after she allegedly went day drinking while her five month old child was sitting home alone, like, a loser.