Where in the World Is Kellyanne Conway?

Sasheer Zamata

Patrick Silva

Stephanie Malolo

Greg Lee

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: The following game show is brought to you by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. And by viewers like you.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Sasheer at her desk]

Sasheer: She hasn’t been seen in weeks. No one knows where she is or what she’s up to. Gum Shoes, your mission today is to answer this question.

Male voice: Where in the world is– Kellyanne Conway?

[Cut to guys singing melody]

Chris: [singing] Used to be on TV on like, every single panel

one day we all woke up but she was no longer there
what could have happened? She is not on any channels
tell me where in the world is–

Kenan: Kellyanne Conway!

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Let’s meet the Gum Shoes who can help us find her.

Male voice: He recently took a road trip across the country with his parents. [Patrick runs to his podium] He enjoys television and his friends. Meet Patrick Silva. And [Stephanie runs to her podium] she once saw a lizard at the zoo. She loves computers and lunch. Meet Stephanie Malolo.

Sasheer: I’m here to help them solve the case. It’s ACMI seior agent, Greg Lee.

[Greg Lee walks in]

Greg Lee: Hey, hey! Hey, Gum Shoes. Hope you’re excited. Today’s winner gets a trip for you and your mom to Sacramento. Now, are you guys ready to help us find Kellyanne Conway?

[Patrick and Stephanie look at each other]

Patrick: Well…

Stephanie: We don’t want to find her.

Greg Lee: Okay! Guess, that’s our show. [Melody singers come behind Greg Lee and start singing their melody] Seven weeks in a row and no one wants to find that woman.

Male voice: Where in the world is– Kellyanne Conway?

Where Jackie Chan At Right Now

Tracy Morgan

Kenan Thompson

Chris Tucker… Kenan Thompson

Chuck Norris… Kyle Mooney

Steven Seagal… Bobby Moynihan

Owen Wilson… Taran Killam

Sasheer Zamata

Osama Bin Laden… Pete Davidson

[Starts with “Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?” intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for “Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?”

[Morgan and Kenan are sitting on a sofa at their set]

Morgan: Alright, welcome to ‘Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?’

Kenan: As always, we asking the question. Where Jackie Chan at right now?

Morgan: I wanna know where he at.

Kenan: I wanna know where he at and what he doing right now.

Morgan: Where is he? Where is Jackie Chan? And just don’t tell us he’s in Asia.

Kenan: Yeah! Jackie Chan was in movies as well as karate. And nobody knows where he is.

Morgan: Where the heck are you, Jackie Chan? Don’t do this to us.

Kenan: Okay, the phone lines are open.

Morgan: Caller one, where Jackie Chan at?

Rebecca S.: Is he in Asia?

Morgan: I just said don’t tell me that.

Kenan: We checked with Asia. He’s not there. Next caller. Where is Jackie Chan?

Grace S.: Maybe he has lost all his money and he’s living in the woods.

Morgan: Wrong. I called him. He’s worth $48 trillion. This call is over. Case dismissed.

Kenan: Okay, caller three, where is Jackie Chan?

Theo S.: Um, are you sure he’s still alive?

Morgan: You fat dummy. Jackie Chan is 26. You think he’s dead? He’ll come over there and karate-chop you on your face.

Kenan: You are banned from this show. Okay, it’s time to meed our guest. Chris Tucker, where Jackie Chan at?

[Cut to Chris Tucker]

Chris Tucker: Yo! You wanna know where Jackie Chan at? You wanna know where he at? I tell you where Jackie Chan at. I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t know. Man, I don’t know, man!

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Chris Tucker: Well, then why you come on our show?

[Cut to Chris Tucker]

Chris Tucker: Taxes.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: People need to respect this show. Next guest.

Kenan: Chuck Norris. Where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Chuck Norris in his fighting stance.]

Chuck Norris: I don’t know.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: Steven Seagal, where Jackie Chan at?

[Cut to Steven Seagal]

Steven Seagal: I couldn’t tell ya’.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Owen Wilson, where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Owen Wilson]

Owen Wilson: I don’t know man, it’s weird.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: Lady from Karma, San Diego, where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Sorry, gum shoes.

[Sasheer looks through a magnifying glass] [Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Young Osama Bin Laden, you know where Jackie Chan is?

[Cut to Osama Bin Laden with his skate board]

Osama Bin Laden: No, bro!

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Leslie Jones, you see Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: I saw him on East 85th street.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: What? When?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: 1997.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Did you have any sense of where he was headed next?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: I don’t know. Downtown?

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Okay, write that down.

[Kenan brings up a big notebook to write that down.]

Kenan: Okay, so far, we know that Jackie Chan was in Rush Hour, Shanghai Noon and Rush Hour 2.

Morgan: We know that he was born in Asia but didn’t necessarily stay there.

Kenan: And we know that he is somewhere between 4 and 7 feet tall.

Morgan: Alright, we’re gonna take a quick 45 minute break.

Kenan: When we return, we’re gonna check our trap to see if we caught a Jackie Chan.

[Cut to the trap. It’s made out of a box and a wood. The bait is ninechucks.] [Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: The search continues.

[The End]