Whiskers R’ We

Barbara DeDrew … Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of Whiskers R’ We store.]

[Cut to Kate in her home]

Barbara DeDrew: Cats. A cat is a smile with hair. A cat is a friend who can’t stand up. A cat is a friend who has babies in your hamper. Hi, I’m Barbara DeDrew, owner and proprieter of Whiskers R’ We, cat rescue, now online, coz when you’re in quarantine, everyday is Caturday. [giggling]

Since the lockdown, people have been adopting cats at a record rate, meaning the only ones left are real bottom of the barrel nobodies. Let’s meet today’s fee line up.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Rex. Rex is a simple alley cat because all he alley (all he) wants is belly rubs.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Marbles. Marbles keep saying she’s been furloughed but the only job she ever had was licking her ass in the sun. What a jerk.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This little is called Dr. Anthony Meow-ci, because of his curious nature and because I’d have sex with him in a heart beat.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is Coco. She’s a rare havana brown. But most of the time, you can find her having a brown in her litter box.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

[looking at the cat] I know you hate this. I know you didn’t want to be in the commercial. But my small business loan didn’t go through. It went to shake shack. So, please, try harder. Please.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is a Brazilian shorthair which is ironic because she’s a mess down there. I know we’re quarantined but jeez, please have some self-respect.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is called Baxter and he’s got a pretty little secret. He’s really into bdsm. Bitin’ Dem’ Silly Mice.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

[talking to the cat] Are you even trying? You told me you went to NYU drama school but you’re giving me nothing. Nothing at all. Please try harder.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

We call this cat Boots because of the markings on her feet and because she’s a dominatrix specializing in split play and ding dong punishment.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

[talking to the cat] Well, we’re all depressed but sometimes just showing up and doing what you can do is enough. You know?

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Justice Cat-anaugh. Don’t get me started on how much he likes to drink beer. He’s out of control.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Felin-ona Apple. She waits 10 years to drop an album. And by album, I mean poop.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

[talking to the cat] What do you mean you think you’re pregnant? How is it even possible? Oh, for god’s sake, don’t mention it during the commercial. Please.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat. The cat’s face is covered by a mask.]

This is Allan. He’s not wearing a mask because of the virus. He’s wearing one because his teeth are [bleep] up.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is an organ donor. But the way she drinks, nobody’s gonna want that liver.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

[talking to the cat] What do you mean you don’t want to get adopted? You want to stay here with me? Well, that was never part of the deal. I’m sorry.

[Cut to Kate]

So, visit Whiskers R’ We online today. We now do curbside delivery. Order one cat and we’ll leave 10 to 15 on your porch. Except maybe this one. [showing a cat]