Whiskers R WE

Barbara Dedrew … Kate McKinnon

Tabbytha … Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with Whiskers R We commercial]

Tabbytha and Barbara: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a ticket to fun.

Tabbytha: A cat is a dream come true with fur.

Barbara: A cat is an animal in your house that you’re okay with.

Tabbytha: Cats are you best friend best side of having a cat.

Barbara: So come on down for our valentine’s day cat giveaway.

Barbara and Tabbytha: Here at Whiskers R We.

Barbara: Hi, I am Barbara Dedrew.

Tabbytha: And I am Tybertha but I changed it to Tabbytha. Because of cats!

Barbara: You’re freaking nuts.

Tabbytha: Many of these rescue cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: So let’s take a look at today’s free lineup.

Tabbytha: Okay.

Barbara: Shall we? This is Riley. [pulls out a cat] She’s a millennial. She uses the twitter rocks . [laughing]

Tabbytha: But I think she’s a troll coz she fills it with crap. I said it, I don’t care.

Barbara: You’re a cornball.

Tabbytha: No, I’m a horn-ball.

Barbara: Cool it. We’re on camera. [pulls out another cat] Toby is a hairless cat. But he wasn’t born that way.

Tabbytha: I covered him with nair and ripped it all his hair. And now he’s got a bone to pick with me.

Barbara: He’ll thank you come swimsuit season.

Tabbytha: Oh! [pulls out another cat] Look who we have here. This is William.

Barbara: You should know. William hasn’t been nurtured yet so he still wears condom.

Tabbytha: He always leaves little wrappers everywhere like, we get it!.

Barbara: [pulls out another cat] This is sprinkles.

Tabbytha: Sprinkles has a sad history. He was involved in medical experimentation.

Barbara: He would put lipstick in rabbit’s eyes until they scream.

Tabbytha: Little jerk ass. He’s still nice to pet though.

[Tabbytha is touching Barbara’s breasts]

Barbara: Tabbytha, I put the cat down already and I think you know that.

Tabbytha: Well, I can’t help it.

Barbara: Please. We both know you’re just doing this to piss off your senator father.

Tabbytha: Well.

Barbara: [pulls out another cat] We call this cat OJ because he is orange like the Jews an murderer like the athlete.

Tabbytha: I’ve had him guilty of being adorable.

Barbara: And again, murder. [pulls out a dog on a cat costume] And this is Whiskers. I don’t know if you can tell, but Whiskers is a dog in a cat costume.

Tabbytha: We think it kind of misses down fire situation.

Barbara: He has to pretend to be a cat so he can see his kids. Anyway, come on down to Whiskers R We.

Tabbytha: Our policy is bring your bag and we’ll put a cat in it.

Barbara: Okay. Time to climb up in the scratching.

[Tabbytha carries Barbara]

Tabbytha: There we go.

Barbara: Happy valentine’s day.

[Cut to a picture Whiskers R We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R We, valentine’s cat giveaway. See you there!

Whiskers R We with Reese Witherspoon

Barbara DeDrew… Kate McKinnon

Purr-sula… Reese Witherspoon

[Starts with Whiskers R’ We commercial set.]

Barbara and Purr-sula: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a friend you didn’t know you needed.

Purr-sula: Cat is an itch that scratches you

Barbara: A cup of love, a dash of Whiskers and a metric yard of fur.

Purr-sula: Cats are all that in a bag of cats.

Barbara: So, come on down for our spring cat-abration.

Barbara and Purr-sula: Here at Whiskers R We.

Barbara: Hi, I’m Barbara DeDrew.

Purr-sula: And my name’s Purr-sula. It used to be Ursula but I wanted something that cats could pronounce.

Barbara: Many of these rescued cats come from the owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Purr-sula: Let’s meet today’s cat-testants.

Barbara: [showing a black kitten] For you royal family fans, we call this cat, Kat Middleton. Because she’s as lovely as a princess.

Purr-sula: And she’s good at producing hairs (heir).

[Barbara is laughing]

Barbara: Plus, her sister has a better butt.

[Barbara and Purr-sula laughing]

Purr-sula: You’re bad!

Barbara: I’m bad to the bone.

[Barbara showing another brown kitten]

We call this cat Peanut because he’s tiny and 5% of people have deadly allergy to him.

Purr-sula: I hope you’re not allergic to me.

Barbara: Cool it Purr-sula. We’re on camera.

[Barbara showing another grey kitten]

Okay, this cat is Sapphire. Isn’t she gorgeous?

Purr-sula: Look at that perfect little face. Wanna know her secret? Botox!

Barbara: I think she’s is going through mid life crisis. She tells everyone she’s three. Bitch, you’re four and half.

Purr-sula: I’d get botox if you wanted me to.

Barbara: We’ll talk later. [showing another golden kitten] We call this cat Majelen, because he’s a little explorer. His greatest discovery, his own butt hole.

Purr-sula: He’s still fun to pet, though.

[Purr-sula is caressing Barbara’s hands]

Barbara: Stop it! I’m on beta blockers. Okay, and this is [showing another black and grey striped cat] Skittles. This cat is a gift from god. At least that’s what he told the members of his cult. Don’t be along with him for too long or he’ll make you sever all ties with you family.

Purr-sula: He told me I could share his bed every other Tuesday. Little jack-off!

Barbara: This is Mufasa. [showing a huge cat wearing lion-like hair] He claims to be a lion from the African Savannah. But I’m pretty sure he’s just some nobody from Delaware.

Purr-sula: I’m pretty sure he didn’t go to Princeton either.

Barbara: [showing another black and grey kitten] And this is Bluebel. This little guy just showed up on our doorstep to tell us he’s a registered sex offender. He loves to hide things like, little balls of string, or cameras in your toilet.

Purr-sula: Oh, careful Barbara, you got a little cat drew right there. [Purr-sula is touching Barbara’s breasts]

Barbara: Purr-sula! If you want shingles, keep fiddling, girl! So, come on down to Whiskers R’ We.

Purr-sula: Our policy is look it in the eye, you bought it!

Barbara: Plus, with every cat purchase, you’ll get a free all the cats!

Purr-sula: These cats are kin of like our children.

Barbara: Pump the brakes, Purr-sula. This is our second date. Come on down!

[Cut to the Whiskers R’ We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We, spring cat giveaway. See you there.

[The End]