Tag: Whiskers R We

Whiskers R’ We

Barbara DeDrew… Kate McKinnon

Furonica… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Barbara and Furonica in their ad set]

Barbara and Furonica: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a friend with fur.

Furonica: A cat is a pillow that hugs you back.

Barbara: Cats are the croutons on the salad of life.

Furonica: A cat is an angel that poops in a box.

Barbara: So come on down for our thanksgiving catacopia giveaway.

Barbara and Furonica: Here at Whiskers R’ We.

Barbara: Hi. I’m Barbara.

Furonica: And I am Furonica. Like, Veronica, but how a cat would say it.

Barbara: You are loca, muchacha.

Furonica: Many of these rescued cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: So, let’s take a look at today’s Felina.

[Barbara shows out a cat]

Alan is a Himalayan and you can find him-a-laying on the couch.

[Barbara and Furonica laughing looking at each other.]

Furonica: You used to do stand-ups.  You’re a regular Kat Williams. For you, American Idol fans, we call this cat– [shows out a cat] This is Simon Cowell.

Barbara: Because he is a grumpy British short hair and he knocked up his best friend’s wife.

Furonica: The heart wants what it wants.

[Furonica starts touching Barbara]

Barbara: Hands to ourselves, please. We are on camera. Oh boy, [shows out another cat] this is Cassandra. Cassandra kind of flips the script on you, meaning, when she farts it sounds human and you’ll get blamed.

Furonica: Farts are funny.

Barbara: How old are you again?

Furonica: I don’t know. We lost check of time in the bunker.

Barbara: Ai-yai-yai. I do have a type. Okay, where are we. This one is Carl. [showing out another cat]

Furonica: We’re mad at Carl right now because he has been very naughty. He clawed up my sofa and then he voted for Jill Stein. [touches the cat] A little ass-whipping! He deserves a pinch. [Furonica starts pinching Barbara’s breast softly]

Barbara: That is my nipple and I think you know that.

Furonica: I think I know you like it.

Barbara: Oh, boy.

Furonica: [showing out another cat] This is Butternut. Butternut is a master of psychological manipulation who specializes in gas lighting.

Barbara: Does he ever. He convinced me I was the cat. It started with an innocent suggestion, but to two months later and I’m eating tuna and licking my own butt-hole.

Furonica: A.k.a., the greatest week of my life.

Barbara: Oh! Keep it in your jorts, gf! Okay. [showing another cat] This is Pearl. Pearl is as white as a ghost because she is one. She died in the Barbara940s but she is sticking around because she has unfinished business.

Furonica: If she appears in your mirror, it’s over. [showing another cat] This is Dizzy. Dizzy is into S AND M. Saucers of milk.

Barbara: And also, peeing on her partner during sex. And this last cat is named Mr. Majestical.

[Mr. Majestical walks in and is dancing]

‘Cats’ the musical is back and in the timeless words of Andrew Lloyd Webber, this guy’s not part of it. He’s just a crazy person.

Furonica: You can currently see him on Broadway in the role of man screaming in front of the Billabong store.

[Mr. Majestical walks out]

Barbara: So, come on down to Whiskers R’ We. The adoption process is simple.

Furonica: We put cats in your car when you’re not looking

Barbara: So, come on down …

Barbara and Furonica: To Whiskers R’ We.

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We thanksgiving catacopia. See you there.

Whiskers R WE

Barbara Dedrew … Kate McKinnon

Tabbytha … Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with Whiskers R We commercial]

Tabbytha and Barbara: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a ticket to fun.

Tabbytha: A cat is a dream come true with fur.

Barbara: A cat is an animal in your house that you’re okay with.

Tabbytha: Cats are you best friend best side of having a cat.

Barbara: So come on down for our valentine’s day cat giveaway.

Barbara and Tabbytha: Here at Whiskers R We.

Barbara: Hi, I am Barbara Dedrew.

Tabbytha: And I am Tybertha but I changed it to Tabbytha. Because of cats!

Barbara: You’re freaking nuts.

Tabbytha: Many of these rescue cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: So let’s take a look at today’s free lineup.

Tabbytha: Okay.

Barbara: Shall we? This is Riley. [pulls out a cat] She’s a millennial. She uses the twitter rocks . [laughing]

Tabbytha: But I think she’s a troll coz she fills it with crap. I said it, I don’t care.

Barbara: You’re a cornball.

Tabbytha: No, I’m a horn-ball.

Barbara: Cool it. We’re on camera. [pulls out another cat] Toby is a hairless cat. But he wasn’t born that way.

Tabbytha: I covered him with nair and ripped it all his hair. And now he’s got a bone to pick with me.

Barbara: He’ll thank you come swimsuit season.

Tabbytha: Oh! [pulls out another cat] Look who we have here. This is William.

Barbara: You should know. William hasn’t been nurtured yet so he still wears condom.

Tabbytha: He always leaves little wrappers everywhere like, we get it!.

Barbara: [pulls out another cat] This is sprinkles.

Tabbytha: Sprinkles has a sad history. He was involved in medical experimentation.

Barbara: He would put lipstick in rabbit’s eyes until they scream.

Tabbytha: Little jerk ass. He’s still nice to pet though.

[Tabbytha is touching Barbara’s breasts]

Barbara: Tabbytha, I put the cat down already and I think you know that.

Tabbytha: Well, I can’t help it.

Barbara: Please. We both know you’re just doing this to piss off your senator father.

Tabbytha: Well.

Barbara: [pulls out another cat] We call this cat OJ because he is orange like the Jews an murderer like the athlete.

Tabbytha: I’ve had him guilty of being adorable.

Barbara: And again, murder. [pulls out a dog on a cat costume] And this is Whiskers. I don’t know if you can tell, but Whiskers is a dog in a cat costume.

Tabbytha: We think it kind of misses down fire situation.

Barbara: He has to pretend to be a cat so he can see his kids. Anyway, come on down to Whiskers R We.

Tabbytha: Our policy is bring your bag and we’ll put a cat in it.

Barbara: Okay. Time to climb up in the scratching.

[Tabbytha carries Barbara]

Tabbytha: There we go.

Barbara: Happy valentine’s day.

[Cut to a picture Whiskers R We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R We, valentine’s cat giveaway. See you there!

Whiskers R We with Reese Witherspoon

Barbara DeDrew… Kate McKinnon

Purr-sula… Reese Witherspoon

[Starts with Whiskers R’ We commercial set.]

Barbara and Purr-sula: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a friend you didn’t know you needed.

Purr-sula: Cat is an itch that scratches you

Barbara: A cup of love, a dash of Whiskers and a metric yard of fur.

Purr-sula: Cats are all that in a bag of cats.

Barbara: So, come on down for our spring cat-abration.

Barbara and Purr-sula: Here at Whiskers R We.

Barbara: Hi, I’m Barbara DeDrew.

Purr-sula: And my name’s Purr-sula. It used to be Ursula but I wanted something that cats could pronounce.

Barbara: Many of these rescued cats come from the owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Purr-sula: Let’s meet today’s cat-testants.

Barbara: [showing a black kitten] For you royal family fans, we call this cat, Kat Middleton. Because she’s as lovely as a princess.

Purr-sula: And she’s good at producing hairs (heir).

[Barbara is laughing]

Barbara: Plus, her sister has a better butt.

[Barbara and Purr-sula laughing]

Purr-sula: You’re bad!

Barbara: I’m bad to the bone.

[Barbara showing another brown kitten]

We call this cat Peanut because he’s tiny and 5% of people have deadly allergy to him.

Purr-sula: I hope you’re not allergic to me.

Barbara: Cool it Purr-sula. We’re on camera.

[Barbara showing another grey kitten]

Okay, this cat is Sapphire. Isn’t she gorgeous?

Purr-sula: Look at that perfect little face. Wanna know her secret? Botox!

Barbara: I think she’s is going through mid life crisis. She tells everyone she’s three. Bitch, you’re four and half.

Purr-sula: I’d get botox if you wanted me to.

Barbara: We’ll talk later. [showing another golden kitten] We call this cat Majelen, because he’s a little explorer. His greatest discovery, his own butt hole.

Purr-sula: He’s still fun to pet, though.

[Purr-sula is caressing Barbara’s hands]

Barbara: Stop it! I’m on beta blockers. Okay, and this is [showing another black and grey striped cat] Skittles. This cat is a gift from god. At least that’s what he told the members of his cult. Don’t be along with him for too long or he’ll make you sever all ties with you family.

Purr-sula: He told me I could share his bed every other Tuesday. Little jack-off!

Barbara: This is Mufasa. [showing a huge cat wearing lion-like hair] He claims to be a lion from the African Savannah. But I’m pretty sure he’s just some nobody from Delaware.

Purr-sula: I’m pretty sure he didn’t go to Princeton either.

Barbara: [showing another black and grey kitten] And this is Bluebel. This little guy just showed up on our doorstep to tell us he’s a registered sex offender. He loves to hide things like, little balls of string, or cameras in your toilet.

Purr-sula: Oh, careful Barbara, you got a little cat drew right there. [Purr-sula is touching Barbara’s breasts]

Barbara: Purr-sula! If you want shingles, keep fiddling, girl! So, come on down to Whiskers R’ We.

Purr-sula: Our policy is look it in the eye, you bought it!

Barbara: Plus, with every cat purchase, you’ll get a free all the cats!

Purr-sula: These cats are kin of like our children.

Barbara: Pump the brakes, Purr-sula. This is our second date. Come on down!

[Cut to the Whiskers R’ We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We, spring cat giveaway. See you there.

[The End]

Whiskers R We with Amy Adams

Barbara Dudoo… Kate McKinnon

Ashley… Amy Adams

[Starts with Barbara and Ashley speaking for an ad.]

Barbara: Cat.

Ashley: A Cat is a treasure you hold with your heart.

Barbara: A Cat is a glass of champagne, but it’s a Cat.

Ashley: Cats have paws, claws and zero flaws.

Barbara: So come on down for a holiday cat giveaway, here at “Whiskers R’ We.” Hi, I’m Barbara Dudoo.

Ashley: And I’m Ashley, Barbara’s new girlfriend.

Barbara: Shh, cats don’t have to know our business.

Ashley: Many of these rescued cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: Lets meet some of our most eligible Cat-chlors, shall we?

[Barbara pulls up a kitten]

This is Harisa. She is a British short haired. So, she used the looter box.

[Barbara and Ashley laugh]

Cat puns are fun.

Ashley: You’re fun.

Barbara: Oh, stop. Moving right along. For those of you sex and the city fans [Barbara gets a big cat] we call her Samantha because she has a wicked sense of humor and she’s 55 years old.

Ashley: She’s going through mano-paws. P-A-W-S.

[Barbara carries another kitten]

Barbara: We call this cat, Cat-Steven. Because he has a beautiful voice and because he recently converted into hardcore Islam.

[Ashley caresses Barbara’s cleavage.]

Ashley: Oops, you got a little hair right there.

Barbara: Oh, stop. Don’t fuss with that. I’m wearing falsies for the commercial. Come on.

[Barbara carries another kitten]

This is Toby. Toby is a textbook narcissist. He’s incredibly manipulative and deceitful but I guess I’m the dummy for giving him power of attorney.

Ashley: Toby goes for long walks at night and he won’t tell us where he has been.

Barbara: Last night, he came home wearing a wrist band from an Adam Lambert concert.

[Barbara brings in another big cat]

Whoops! Bobo is out of this world. By which I mean he is maybe definitely an alien. We found him in a glowing pit in the ground. If you’re watching this on his planet, please come and get him. We’re running out of methane and that’s all he likes to breathe.

[Ashley starts touching Barbara’s breasts]

Ashley: He’s still fun to pet though.

Barbara: Ashley! I think you know where the cat ends and my boobs begin. Thank you very much. Oh, my goodness. [Barbara carries another kitten] This is Don.

Ashley: This cat thinks he’s people and I’m not sure he’s wrong.

Barbara: It’s something in the eyes. And in the way he looks at me in the eyes and says, “Help me, Barbara. My name is Donald Berk. I am not a cat, I am a man. I am a man!”

So come on down to our holiday cat giveaway weekend. With cat prices starting as low as we give you $twenty.

Ashley: Why won’t you say you love them?

Barbara: I wrote it down. What to you want? Come on down!

[Cut to Whiskers R’ We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We holiday cat giveaway. See you there.

[cheers and applause]