Tag: White

Weekend Update- LSU’s Angel Reese on Her White House Invitation

Angel Reese… Punkie Johnson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: There was controversy this week. When LSU basketball star Angel Reese refused an invitation to the White House to celebrate her team’s national championship. But now she has decided to go. So here to comment is Angel Reese.

[Angel Reese slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Angel Reese: Yeah, the Bayou Barbie is in the building. Louisiana, stand tall.

Michael Che: Well Angel, you had quite a week.

Angel Reese: Yeah. I got people big mad. First they were mad because I was taunting. But all I did was this. You would have thought I pulled my nipple out and flicked it on national TV. Then they were mad because I didn’t want to go to the White House. But Che, they invited Iowa.

Michael Che: But they lost.

Angel Reese: Exactly. In the history of sports, when you lose you take your ass home. But then white girls lose. And suddenly it’s all teams matter.

Michael Che: Well, I’m glad you changed your mind. That’d be pretty cool.

Angel Reese: Yeah, it’ll be cool for them. I’m a big deal now, Che. Since college players get endorsements now, ‘m about to cash in. And my brand works for anything. How this sounds, Che? “Degree deodorant. Y’all stank.”

Michael Che: It seems aggressive.

Angel Reese: Okay, how about this one? “Garden Gnomes. Man, get yo little ass out my face.”

Michael Che: That’s a commercial for Garden Gnomes?

Angel Reese: Yeah. If the money right. Now, here’s my favorite. “Big ass eyelashes. Empowering women ballers and snuffleupacus since Angel Reese97Michael Che.”

Michael Che: Well Angel, I’m glad that you’re enjoying the moment.

Angel Reese: Yeah, I am. Look, last week women’s sports was boring. Now all you’re talking about is women’s sports. All this week. Why? Because women is balling right now. Man, I dropped 15 on Iowa. I went hard in the paint. I grabbed about 10 boards without even messing up my eyelashes. The only thing I regret is not getting more buckets. I could have picked that ball up, bounced it off old girl head like I was in the A-one tour. But you know, I was already in foul trouble, so your girl had to chill. And now I’m just sitting back getting all this Baby Gap money.

Michael Che: Why are you endorsed by Baby Gap?

Angel Reese: Because all these bitches is my son.

Michael Che: Angel Reese, everybody.

Angel Reese: You can’t see me. We going back to back. Angel Reese.

White Elephant

James Shawn Johnson

Devon Walker

Janette… Ego Nwodim

Shawn… Austin Butler

Ava… Cecily Strong

Andrew Dismukes

Heidi Gardner

Santa… Mikey Day

James: And maybe next year we can host this company holiday party in the Bahamas. Right? Cheers everybody.

All: Cheers.

Heidi: Seriously, thank you all for coming tonight. Now, how about we start the white elephant gift exchange? Does everyone know how this works?

Shawn: Remind me again.

Ava: We all take turns grabbing gifts, right?

Devon: Yep. But you only get to pick when your number is called.

Andrew: Yeah, but we can steal a gift, right?

Heidi: Exacto-mundo. Let’s start. Who’s got number one?

Janette: That’d beat me. Okay. Alright, what do we got here? Oh. Okay. Now that’s a candle right there. I love it.

Heidi: All right, who’s next?

Shawn: Oh, me. I’ve got number two.

James: Okay. Getting in on the action.

Shawn: Oh, nice. A sweet ashtray. Oh, you know, I was just saying I needed something like this. I’m going to use this as a catch all by the front door of my place. Yes. When I get home from a long day, I can just put all my rings and bracelets and playing cards and stuff right from my pockets right here so I know where everything is. To whoever got this, thank you for real. I’m going to cherish this forever. It is perfect.

Ava: Okay, well let’s move on. Number three. I’m up. And you know what? Actually, I’m gonna steal. I really like Shawn’s gift. Yoink!

Heidi: Oh, let the games begin.

Shawn: So what? Now I just don’t get a gift?

Heidi: No, Shawn. Now you can go back to the unopened gifts or you can steal?

Shawn: Okay, I’ll steal my gift back. Yoink back at you.

Ava: No, I don’t think you can do that.

James: Yeah, you’ve got to grab someone else’s.

Shawn: That’s not fair. That’s not fair. You you shouldn’t be able to do that. That’s mean. That’s mean as hell. You know what, Ava? You are a wicked little woman.

Devon: Whoa, whoa, Shawn. I’m gonna need you to chillax pimp juice.

Andrew: That’s just how the game is played, dude.

Shawn: You shouldn’t be able to take someone’s gift if it’s perfect for them. That’s not right. For example, I wouldn’t take Janette scented candle because I know that her house stinks.

Janette: What?

Shawn: No, I’m saying Jeanette, we’ve all been to your house. We’re all aware that you need that candle.

Andrew: Shawn, it’s okay dude. Just take a different gift.

Shawn: Alright, would have.

James: Are you gonna open it?

Shawn: Why? It’s just gonna suck.

Heidi: Okay, hey, let’s let’s take a chill pill and push through. This is supposed to be fun, remember? So who’s next?

Andrew: Number five right here. Hey, Jeanette. Could I get a whiff of your candle?

Janette: Okay, I think I know where this is going.

Shawn: [to Ava] So what are you gonna use it for? To smoke dope?

Heidi: Shawn?

Shawn: What? Look at her. She’s obviously doped out of her gourd right now. Total smack head.

Andrew: Shawn, you’re being a child.

Devon: Just open your gift and shut up.

Shawn: Alright, whatever. I will. Happy? Let’s see what crap awaits. So you’re going to address to me. Who wrote my name on this one? Oh my goodness. It’s the same catchall but in Jet Black. That’s like even more awesome than the other one because jet black is my favorite color.

James: Your favorite color is jet black?

Shawn: It’s a Christmas miracle guys. Who did this? Come on. Fess up. Somebody?

All: No. I didn’t.

Shawn: That must mean..

[Santa’s walking on the roof.]

Santa: Ho-ho-ho-ho. Santa Claus here telling you that it’s someone is lucky enough to get a perfect gift at the white elephant gift exchange, let him keep it. It costs you nothing to be nice. Now you might wonder how I knew Shawn wanted that catchall. Just call it father’s intuition. [Santa is also wearing a lot of rings and bracelets] Merry Christmas! Ho-ho-ho.

Weekend Update First Amazon Union Formed Jen Psaki to Leave White House

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Jen Psaki at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Press Secretary Jen Psaki is reportedly leaving the White House this spring to join MSNBC. Damn she’s still at work and already has her next job lined up? That’s as crazy as some of the sketches on season 2 of “That Damn Michael Che”, this summer on HBO Max.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Staten Island and Amazon logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Workers at the Amazon warehouse in Staten Island voted to become the first Amazon workers in the country to form a union. The union explains Amazon’s new slogan, “It’d be a real shame if something happened to your package.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Men who eat meat more likely to be infertile” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, men who eat too much meat are raising the risk of becoming infertile. On the other hand, this dude has five kids that we know of. [Picture chages to Donald Trump]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of “The Daily Wire” logo at left top corner.]

The conservative media organization The Daily Wire said they’ll spend $100 million to create children’s programming to counter woke media companies. Programs will include

Colin Jost: “Clifford the Big straight dog”, “Encanto but an English”, and “One Fish, Two Fish, that’s how many fish genders there are”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Escaped flamingo found 17 years later” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wildlife officials say that a flamingo that escaped from a Kansas zoo Colin Jost7 years ago has been spotted in Texas, or and hear me out, flamingos look like of the flamingos.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bear at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wildlife officials in Tennessee have captured a 500 pound black bear living on a college campus. A black bear that, let’s face it, took the spot of more deserving white and Asian bears. [picture changes to polar bear and a panda]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tyler Perry at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a recent interview, Tyler Perry revealed that he has used his Medea voice while having sex. Damn, dude must like sex drives hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that in the past Michael Che0 years, pre diabetes and children has more than doubled. Thanks largely to the popularity of Mountain Dew breast milk blast.

White House TikTok Meeting Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Dismukes

Jen Psaki… Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: This week as the warring Ukraine intensified, access to Facebook and Instagram in the country were shut off leaving only one source of information, TikTok. So on Thursday, the White House responded by holding a national security briefing with some of the nation’s top TikTok creators. We take you now inside that historic meeting.

[Cut to TikTok creators inside White House with President Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Thank you all so much for coming and answering your nation’s call in time and need.

TikToker 1: Oh, yeah, sure.

TikToker 2: Hey, no problem.

TikToker 3: I’m 14.

TikToker 4: Our schedules are super flexible.

TikToker 5: Yeah. And we love White House.

Jason Derulo: [singing] Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: I also want to thank my Press Secretary Jen Psaki for having the vision to set this up.

Jen Psaki: I suggested it as a joke and then it actually happened.

Joe Biden: People are saying this is the first war fought on TikTok which is tough for me because I’m the landline of presidents. That’s why I need you. Okay. I understand Putin. I understand war. There’s one thing I don’t understand, computer.

Jen Psaki: He means technology but he says computer.

Joe Biden: Computer very mean to me. Computer always asked to run an update right when I turn computer on. Whenever I type in “Malarkey”, Computer say “Did you mean magenta?”

Jen Psaki: The point is we need fresh ideas from you guys about how we can win the information war on social media. So yeah, you.

TikToker 1: Hey, guys, I’m an actress from the CW.

Joe Biden: Great, what’s your name?

TikToker 1: Actress from the CW. And while Putin might have tanks and bombs, there’s something even more powerful we can attack him with, poems.

Jen Psaki: Oh, no, it’s that girl.

TikToker 1: [music playing in the background]

Dear Vladimir Putin. If I was your mother, I would have loved you more. If I was your wife, I would have been so, so, so mad at you. If I was your baby brother, I–

Jen Psaki: Thank you. Thank you. I think– yeah, we got it. Do you have any actual useful suggestions?

TikToker 1: Sure. Here are five ways to stop the war in Ukraine. [dancing]

Joe Biden: What’s happening? Do you see anything?

Jen Psaki: I think she’s expecting text to show up.

Joe Biden: All right. Then you, what’s your thing?

TikToker 5: Oh, me? Let’s just say I do raps and pranks. Maybe you’ve heard of my squad “The BooBoo boys”.

Jen Psaki: I think you know the President has never heard of the BooBoo boys.

Joe Biden: Wait a second. The BooBoo boys? Don’t you live in the Crenshaw house with one nut Kevin and dumbass Larry?

TikToker 5: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, we got a BooBoo head.

Joe Biden: Y’all, y’all, one time they prank the dude and threw him down five flights of stairs. It was hilarious.

Jen Psaki: That sounds like an amazing hobby.

TikToker 5: Yeah, we made $30 million last year.

Jen Psaki: God, I hate this world. Did you have a plan for how to defeat Putin?

TikToker 5: Yeah, I’m cooking some up.

Jen Psaki: Is it pushing him down a flight of stairs?

TikToker 5: It is.

Jen Psaki: All right. That’s cool. What about you?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: Yeah, I know. That’s your name. What do you do?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: I’m skipping you. You’re You’re skipped.

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: Hey. How about your little girl? You look incredibly cute.

TikToker 3: Me? Thank you. I do silly animal makeup for kids.

Joe Biden: Well, that’s adorable. Oh, what do you think we could do to win this war?

TikToker 3: Oh, you mean the one started by your son Hunter Biden? With his pal that Burisma? Where’s the laptop? Is he in this room?

Jen Psaki: Okay, thank you. Thank you, honey.

Joe Biden: You don’t expect the animal makeup girl to be all right. Who’s this random middle aged guy?

TikToker 2: Oh, yeah. Hello. My name is Charles F. Emilio. I’m a roofer from Pittsburgh.

Joe Biden: Why are you here?

TikToker 2: I don’t know. I suspect you may have confused me for Charli D’Amelio, the Joe BidenJason Derulo year old girl with Joe BidenTikToker 20 million followers on the TikTok.

Jen Psaki: That sounds right.

TikToker 2: So I tell you what, I’m gonna head out. But first, you don’t have to have an extra one of those COVID Steamy chicks laying around by any chance. Do you?

Joe Biden: I’m afraid not.

Jen Psaki: We don’t, I’m sorry.

TikToker 2: All right. All right. Well, good luck with the World War and not that you care what a roofer thinks about Putin, but maybe you should put someone up on a roof and ping-pong-pow-pow-pow. [Hand gesture showing shooting with gun] Y’all have a good one.

Joe Biden: Thank you.

Jen Psaki: All right, it’s down to you. What do you do?

TikToker 4: Who, me? Oh, I just go up behind people on the street with this weird pipe thing and I go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: What would you do about Ukraine?

TikToker 4: Um, I would go up behind the Russian tanks and go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Jen Psaki: How did you get here today?

TikToker 4: You flew me first class from California. And on the plane I went up behind the pilot and said “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: That’s actually the best plan I’ve heard so far.

[TikToker 7 walks in]

TikToker 7: Hang on. You haven’t heard from me. Sorry, I’m late guys. Some reason security was giving me a hard time.

Joe Biden: Okay, this is awesome. Who the heck are you?

TikToker 7: Oh, I’m just that guy who does a bunch of insane tricks using the toilet plunger stuck to my nipples. In terms of the most famous people on TikTok, it’s like me and Reese Witherspoon.

Jen Psaki: We were actually about to wrap this meeting up because it was clearly a bad idea.

TikToker 7: Hey, don’t do that. Don’t just yank the plunger off the nipple like that. The idea of asking TikTok stars how to fight Russia might sound like a joke. Remember, they said the same thing about the radio and World War II. Never underestimate the importance of new technology. We haven’t reaches young people in ways you can never understand. TikTok is in some childish gimmick. It has more power and more influence than the nightly news.

Joe Biden: That was truly inspiring, young man.

TikToker 7: I’m 55. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna move this plunger to my crotch attach a knife at the end and try to slice an apple in half. God bless America.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

White Contestant in Black Jeopardy

Darnell Hayes… Kenan Thompson

Amir… Jay Pharoah

Keeley… Sasheer Zamata

Alison… Elizabeth Banks

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Male voice: This is Black Jeopardy.

[Cut to the show set]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Alright. Wad up, wad up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy, the only jeopardy that’s produced entirely in cash. I’m your host Darnell Hayes. Our contestants are Amir.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Come on now, bro!

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Hi!

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: And Alison.

[Cut to Alison. She is a white woman.]

Alison: Thank you. So good to be here.

[Cut to Darnell. He checks his cards.]

Darnell: Um, Alison, you know this is Black Jeopardy, right?

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Oh yeah, I dated a black guy once. So, I don’t see color. It’s just Jeopardy to me.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Okay, we’ll see how that goes. Um, let’s check out our categories. We got…

[cut to the game screen]

“It ain’t like that”, “who’s try’na”, “I don’t know you!”, “shaking my head”, “what had happened was”, and as always “white people”.

[Cut to Darnell]

Amir, you’re a returning champ. You pick.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay, okay, cool. Let’s do “I don’t know you!” for $200.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay, the answer there… The cashier wants your phone number for a price plus card.

[Cut to the contestants. Amir presses the buzzer.]

Amir.

Amir: What is… “I don’t know you. You ain’t put me in the system.”

Darnell: That’s right. [Cut to Darnell] That’s right. Big brother, you know what I’m saying? Big brother. Go ahead Amir.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay, cool. Let me get “I don’t know you” for four.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay. The waiter wants to know if you got allergies.

[Keeley presses the buzzer]

Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: What is… “I don’t know you. If I’m itchy that’s my business.”

Darnell: You damn right. [Cut to Darnell] You damn right. What? I can’t even itch when I wanna? Come on!

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Right? Okay. Let’s stick with “I don’t know you”.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay, the answer… The man in the bus station says he needs to use your phone due to a personal emergency.

[Cut to the contestants. Alison presses the buzzer.]

Alison.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: What is… “I don’t know you… or what you’ve been through. So, I have no right to judge your experience.”

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: No. Might be a long night for you, Alison. Keeley, still your pick.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Okay, let me get “Who try’na” for $200.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay. The answer… He try’a act like nothing happened.

[Amir presses the buzzer]

Amir

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Oh! Who is Jason PA Paul?

Darnell: Oh, you damn right. [Cut to Darnell] You damn right. Come on, man! Ain’t got no damn figures. What you think? We ain’t gonna notice. Ya’ll dead with a Gumby hat. Come on!

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Alright, let’s stick with “Why try’na”.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay. They try’na act like Jesus don’t exist.

[Keeley presses the buzzer]

Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: What is Starbucks?

Darnell: That’s it! [Cut to Darnell] That’s it! It’s a shame. It’s a shame.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Okay, let’s stay with “Who try’na” for $600.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay, the answer… After everything he did, he try’na act like he don’t owe us an explanation.

[Alison presses the buzzer]

Alison.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Who is Bill Cosby?

Darnell: No. [Cut to Darnell] I’m sorry, but no. The answer was Tom Brady. Tired of him winning all the time. You know?

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Just as a white person, I’m not really sure how to answer these questions.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Oh, I’m sorry, you’re white? I don’t see color. Let’s just hear about today’s prizes. Johnny!

[Cut to Black Jeoprady prize video]

Male voice: Thanks Darnell. Today’s Black Jeopardy winner will receive a gift certificate to Leonard’s All White Menswear Palace. All whie suits in shades from eggshell to pearl! Be the head of your prom, funeral or NBA draft. Made for distinguished black men and a few fancy lesbians. Leonard’s All White Menswear Palace. And Long-Ass Wire. Now you can have cable television in every room of your house. It’s easy. With Long-Ass Wire. Back to you Darnell.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: I like that long ass wire. Okay, Amir. The board if your’s.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay, okay, okay. Um, let’s go with “What had happened was” for $400.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay, the answer there… Your lights went off.

[Keeley presses the buzzer]

Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: See, what had happened was, I was on my way to pay the bill and then I just didn’t.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Yeah, yeah. That happens. That happens.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Let’s stay with “What had happened was” for eight.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell: Okay. We were there. Where were you?

[Alison presses the buzzer]

Alison.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Well, it just so happened…

[wrong answer buzzer]

Darnell: No. [Cut to Darnell] No.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Okay, no. What happened in this particular case…

[wrong answer buzzer]

Darnell: No. I appreciate you trying though. Why don’t you go ahead and pick.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Alright. Let’s do “It ain’t like that” for $800.

[Cut tot he game screen]

Darnell: Okay then.

[The game screen shows ‘Daily Double’]

Wow, looks like you got the video Daily Double. And you’re little behind Alison but you can catch up right here. Let’s see the clue.

[Cut to 5 standing in front of a painting.]

Speaker 5: What’s up? In 1943, an artist named Archibald Motley painted the picture behind me. My question is, after all these years who killed Tupac?

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Alison?

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Okay, I think I’m getting the hang of this. I’m gonna say, Tupac was killed by a corrupt justice system that threatens us all.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Oh, I’m sorry, but that was a trick question. The answer is that Tupac is still alive.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. He’s down in Cuba at the Illuminati Hotel. That’s where he at.

[Cut to the contestants]

Alison: It’s just… uh! Like, no matter what I do, I can’t win.

[right answer bell ringing]

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Yes! That is the blackest thing you said all day, Alison. All the points go to you.

[music playing]

Oh-oh! Well, the sound of the slow jam means it’s time to leave the party. So, we gonna take a break. When we come back, one of our contestants will win two tickets to Love & HipHop on Ice.

[Cut to Alison]

Alison: Oh! That sounds fun. What is that?

[The End]