Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson
Jen Psaki… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with a video message]
Male voice: This week as the warring Ukraine intensified, access to Facebook and Instagram in the country were shut off leaving only one source of information, TikTok. So on Thursday, the White House responded by holding a national security briefing with some of the nation’s top TikTok creators. We take you now inside that historic meeting.
[Cut to TikTok creators inside White House with President Joe Biden]
Joe Biden: Thank you all so much for coming and answering your nation’s call in time and need.
TikToker 1: Oh, yeah, sure.
TikToker 2: Hey, no problem.
TikToker 3: I’m 14.
TikToker 4: Our schedules are super flexible.
TikToker 5: Yeah. And we love White House.
Jason Derulo: [singing] Jason Derulo.
Joe Biden: I also want to thank my Press Secretary Jen Psaki for having the vision to set this up.
Jen Psaki: I suggested it as a joke and then it actually happened.
Joe Biden: People are saying this is the first war fought on TikTok which is tough for me because I’m the landline of presidents. That’s why I need you. Okay. I understand Putin. I understand war. There’s one thing I don’t understand, computer.
Jen Psaki: He means technology but he says computer.
Joe Biden: Computer very mean to me. Computer always asked to run an update right when I turn computer on. Whenever I type in “Malarkey”, Computer say “Did you mean magenta?”
Jen Psaki: The point is we need fresh ideas from you guys about how we can win the information war on social media. So yeah, you.
TikToker 1: Hey, guys, I’m an actress from the CW.
Joe Biden: Great, what’s your name?
TikToker 1: Actress from the CW. And while Putin might have tanks and bombs, there’s something even more powerful we can attack him with, poems.
Jen Psaki: Oh, no, it’s that girl.
TikToker 1: [music playing in the background]
Dear Vladimir Putin. If I was your mother, I would have loved you more. If I was your wife, I would have been so, so, so mad at you. If I was your baby brother, I–
Jen Psaki: Thank you. Thank you. I think– yeah, we got it. Do you have any actual useful suggestions?
TikToker 1: Sure. Here are five ways to stop the war in Ukraine. [dancing]
Joe Biden: What’s happening? Do you see anything?
Jen Psaki: I think she’s expecting text to show up.
Joe Biden: All right. Then you, what’s your thing?
TikToker 5: Oh, me? Let’s just say I do raps and pranks. Maybe you’ve heard of my squad “The BooBoo boys”.
Jen Psaki: I think you know the President has never heard of the BooBoo boys.
Joe Biden: Wait a second. The BooBoo boys? Don’t you live in the Crenshaw house with one nut Kevin and dumbass Larry?
TikToker 5: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, we got a BooBoo head.
Joe Biden: Y’all, y’all, one time they prank the dude and threw him down five flights of stairs. It was hilarious.
Jen Psaki: That sounds like an amazing hobby.
TikToker 5: Yeah, we made $30 million last year.
Jen Psaki: God, I hate this world. Did you have a plan for how to defeat Putin?
TikToker 5: Yeah, I’m cooking some up.
Jen Psaki: Is it pushing him down a flight of stairs?
TikToker 5: It is.
Jen Psaki: All right. That’s cool. What about you?
Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.
Jen Psaki: Yeah, I know. That’s your name. What do you do?
Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.
Jen Psaki: I’m skipping you. You’re You’re skipped.
Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.
Joe Biden: Hey. How about your little girl? You look incredibly cute.
TikToker 3: Me? Thank you. I do silly animal makeup for kids.
Joe Biden: Well, that’s adorable. Oh, what do you think we could do to win this war?
TikToker 3: Oh, you mean the one started by your son Hunter Biden? With his pal that Burisma? Where’s the laptop? Is he in this room?
Jen Psaki: Okay, thank you. Thank you, honey.
Joe Biden: You don’t expect the animal makeup girl to be all right. Who’s this random middle aged guy?
TikToker 2: Oh, yeah. Hello. My name is Charles F. Emilio. I’m a roofer from Pittsburgh.
Joe Biden: Why are you here?
TikToker 2: I don’t know. I suspect you may have confused me for Charli D’Amelio, the Joe BidenJason Derulo year old girl with Joe BidenTikToker 20 million followers on the TikTok.
Jen Psaki: That sounds right.
TikToker 2: So I tell you what, I’m gonna head out. But first, you don’t have to have an extra one of those COVID Steamy chicks laying around by any chance. Do you?
Joe Biden: I’m afraid not.
Jen Psaki: We don’t, I’m sorry.
TikToker 2: All right. All right. Well, good luck with the World War and not that you care what a roofer thinks about Putin, but maybe you should put someone up on a roof and ping-pong-pow-pow-pow. [Hand gesture showing shooting with gun] Y’all have a good one.
Joe Biden: Thank you.
Jen Psaki: All right, it’s down to you. What do you do?
TikToker 4: Who, me? Oh, I just go up behind people on the street with this weird pipe thing and I go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”
Joe Biden: What would you do about Ukraine?
TikToker 4: Um, I would go up behind the Russian tanks and go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”
Jen Psaki: How did you get here today?
TikToker 4: You flew me first class from California. And on the plane I went up behind the pilot and said “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”
Joe Biden: That’s actually the best plan I’ve heard so far.
[TikToker 7 walks in]
TikToker 7: Hang on. You haven’t heard from me. Sorry, I’m late guys. Some reason security was giving me a hard time.
Joe Biden: Okay, this is awesome. Who the heck are you?
TikToker 7: Oh, I’m just that guy who does a bunch of insane tricks using the toilet plunger stuck to my nipples. In terms of the most famous people on TikTok, it’s like me and Reese Witherspoon.
Jen Psaki: We were actually about to wrap this meeting up because it was clearly a bad idea.
TikToker 7: Hey, don’t do that. Don’t just yank the plunger off the nipple like that. The idea of asking TikTok stars how to fight Russia might sound like a joke. Remember, they said the same thing about the radio and World War II. Never underestimate the importance of new technology. We haven’t reaches young people in ways you can never understand. TikTok is in some childish gimmick. It has more power and more influence than the nightly news.
Joe Biden: That was truly inspiring, young man.
TikToker 7: I’m 55. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna move this plunger to my crotch attach a knife at the end and try to slice an apple in half. God bless America.
All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.