Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat
Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon
Rex Tillerson… John Goodman
Michael Wolf… Fred Armisen
Anthony Scaramucci… Bill Hader[Starts with Anderson Cooper 360 intro] [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his news set]
Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I’m Anderson Cooper and if you ever wondered what’s whiter than St. Patrick’s day, you’re looking at it. Tonight, a White House making big moves. FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe was out, fired late on Friday, a day before he was able to receive his pension. Here to explain is the man who had to do the firing, attorney general Jeff Sessions.[Cut to split screen with Anderson Cooper and Jeff Sessions]
Jeff Sessions: Hello. Look at me. I still got a job.
Anderson Cooper: Sir, can you give us the exact reason McCabe was fired?
Jeff Sessions: Well, yes. Of course. Mr. McCabe was in clear violation because of his lack of candor– what– I don’t know. I can’t even dance around. Trump made me do it. McCabe saw too much. You know?
Anderson Cooper: Okay. So, this was not your decision?
Jeff Sessions: Look, I’m always down to clown but this was sneaky even for me. I’m just a simple man who wanted to make things bad for immigrants. And now, here I am taking away the pension of a Christian white. It ain’t right.
Anderson Cooper: Well, there are rumors that you might be the next to go.
Jeff Sessions: Well, frankly, I can’t believe I lasted this long. I’m like the energizer bunny. I keep going and going and I drink water like this. [making face] But look, y’all need me right now coz if I get fired, it’s gonna launch Robert Mueller right into space. But if I do go, don’t worry. I’m still going to weak havoc. Like Taraji P. Henson said, I can do bad all by myself.
Anderson Cooper: Thank you, Mr. Sessions. [Cut to Anderson Cooper] This week has brought several high profile firing from the Trump administration including secretary of state, Rex Tillerson who joins me now.[Rex Tillerson is sitting beside Anderson Cooper]
Rex Tillerson: How are you doing? [cheers and applause]
Anderson Cooper: Quite well, sir. Quite well. Now, the way it went down must have been a little embarrassing for you but you’ve been pretty gracious about your exit.
Rex Tillerson: Oh, yeah. It just wasn’t a good fit. But, these things happen.
Anderson Cooper: Now, it was widely reported that you were fired by a tweet from the president.
Rex Tillerson: Well, that’s not true. John Kelly called me personally. He said, “Where are you?” I said, “Sir, that’s private.” He said, “Oh, good. Are you in the toilet? Coz I got some news.”
Anderson Cooper: Are you okay?
Rex Tillerson: I’m– I’m fine. [Rex Tillerson drinks a lot of water] It’s just crazy how one day you’re the CEO of Exxon, a $50 billion company, and the next day you get fired by a man who used to sell steaks in the mail.[Rex Tillerson crushes the class he was holding.]
Anderson Cooper: Rex Tillerson is obviously still processing this. [Cut to Anderson Cooper] Joining me now are two people who have a first hand knowledge of White House dysfunction. Fire and Fury author Michael Wolf and Trump’s Communications Director for eleven days, Anthony Scaramucci.[Cut to Michael Wolf and Anthony Scaramucci] [cheers and applause]
Anthony Scaramucci: How you doing? Hello, it’s me the mooch! Like these threads? It’s for suit made by the Olive garden. Oh![Cut to all]
Anderson Cooper: Mr. Scramucci, it’s been a while. What have you been up to lately?
Anthony Scaramucci: Lately? What was I up to before? Nobody knows. The fidget spinner. The Trump White House. I made a big splash. Then one day, everybody was like, “Whoa! What the hell was that about?” Speaking of fading away, Rexi, I’m really sorry about what happened. You and I, we’re kind of the same now.
Rex Tillerson: Ha-ha-ha-ha. No.
Anthony Scaramucci: Still, Rexi, it was a big shock.
Michael Wolf: Oh, please! I knew months ago.
Anderson Cooper: Now Mr. Wolf, you saw the dysfunction of the White House up close. Is it as bad as they say?
Michael Wolf: Oh, it’s worse. Much worse. people don’t know this but Trump would line up his staff and use a laser pointer and circle their love handles everyday.
Anderson Cooper: Wow! Is that really true?
Michael Wolf: [raises his shoulder] Yeah.
Anderson Cooper: Okay. Gentlemen, any insights into–
Rex Tillerson: [yelling] Trump is a moron! Ha-ha-ha. I’m sorry. I just blurted that one out. Whoo! Feels nice to say what I want. Call Jurassic Park coz Rexi is loose.
Anderson Cooper: Yeah. Well, that was very startling. Now, any insight into who’s next to go?
Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, yeah. Jared Kushner is toast, baby. Look, you didn’t hear this from me but the guy is in debt up to his cajones. The Russians, the Saudis, Tommy Toupee down at the Aqueduct. Hold on, you’re not recording this, right?
Anderson Cooper: Yes. We’re on live TV.
Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, Anthony, you stepped in it again. Mabagagoli!
Anderson Cooper: And now that McCabe is out, any insight into who Trump will pick to run the FBI?
Michael Wolf: Right. Well, my sources tell me the job is down to two candidates. Milwaukee sheriff David Clark or the president’s favorite TV detective, Monk.
Anderson Cooper: Are you sure about that?
Michael Wolf: Oh, come on. It sounds right. Doesn’t it?
Anderson Cooper: I suppose.
Michael Wolf: Okay, well, I don’t know. Shut up? It’s all in my new book.
Anderson Cooper: Wait. Hold on. You’re writing another book about the White House? Yeah. And this one’s gonna blow your mind. Now, I’m not in the White House anymore but I have a new source that tells me everything.
Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, yeah, yeah. I heard about this guy. What a rat. Completely off the record, it’s me. Wait, is this being recorded?
Anderson Cooper: Yes. Yes. We’re still on live television.
Anthony Scaramucci: Yei-ga-sheba-gola-gaba-gaga-garli! [to Michael Wolf] You’re not going to mention me by name, right?
Michael Wolf: Of course, I am.
Anthony Scaramucci: You’re gonna make me look good, right?
Michael Wolf: [raises his shoulder] Yeah.
Anthony Scaramucci: I love this guy. I love. [Anthony Scaramucci starts kissing Michael Wolf’s forehead]
Anderson Cooper: Alright. Now let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll have the first returns from the Russian election.
Rex Tillerson: Putin won. Just a hunch.
Anderson Cooper: We’re gonna take a quick break. But first…
All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!