Whoopi Goldberg… Leslie Jones
Abby Huntsman… Cecily Strong
Joy Behar… Kate McKinnon
Ana Navarro… Melissa Villaseñor
Megan McCain… Aidy Bryant
Jenny McCarthy… Emma Stone[Starts with The View intro]
Narrator: You’re watching The View. Let’s get ready to rumble.[Cut to everybody in The View set]
Whoopi Goldberg: Hello, hello, hello. This is The View. [Cut to Whoopi] I’m Whoopi Goldberg and I’m as surprised as you that this show is a fit for me. Later we’ll be talking toes, why so nasty? But up first, today’s hot topics, President Trump tweeted that he is considering dumping illegal immigrants into sanctuary cities. Are these the type of policies we can look forward to now that Kirstjen Nielsen is out? [Cut to Whoopi and Abby] Abby Huntsman, we’ll start with you.
Abby Huntsman: [Cut to Abby] You want to start with me? Okay. Homeland Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen will always be known as the lady who puts kids in cages. And as a human mother, I don’t like that. But as a conservative daughter, I got to ask, why are we ignoring the weird ‘J’ in Kirstjen’s name? And what else is she hiding? Oops! Did I talk too long, Whoopi?[Cut to Whoopi and Abby]
Whoopi Goldberg: You did good. You did good, baby.[Cut to Joy]
Joy Behar: Okay. Is it my turn? Oh, yeah. Hot tick alert. I don’t like Trump. Trump, Trump, what a chump. Trump, Trump, what a dump. Okay, look, it’s my 2000th show. At this point I get paid by the word.[Cut to Ana]
Ana Navarro: Mr. Trump, what are you doing to families at the border? It is shameful. It is nasty. It is broccoli in the microwave. I don’t like it. I don’t want to see it because it is shameful. It is nasty. It is—oh, no. I got stuck in a loop. Sorry.[Cut to Megan]
Megan McCain: Can I just say something as the princess of Arizona? There is a crisis at the border, and the border is right up in my Arizona, which was founded on sunburnt women selling turquoise jewelry, not rando Mexicans. And that’s not racist because my make up artist is gay.[Cut to Joy]
Joy Behar: Okay. Okay. This is the problem, you’re demonizing entire countries full of nice people.[Cut to Joy and Megan]
Megan McCain: Okay, I did not say that.
Joy Behar: Well, can you let me finish?
Megan McCain: Well, can you let me talk?
Joy Behar: Well, can you let me finish?[Cut to Megan]
Megan McCain: Can you let me talk because it’s actually your job to listen to me.[Cut to Joy. She is angry. The lights are focused on her][Dramatic music plays] [Cut to Megal peeking at her] [Cut to Abby looking at them with a pack of popcorn] [Cut to Ana taking a video of them with her cell phone] [Cut to Whoopi water spraying them]
Whoopi Goldberg: Okay, okay. Okay, stop it. [Cut to everybody] We not going to do this. This is the ‘The View’. We are five best friends with nothing in common.
Abby Huntsman: Okay. We need to reset. Everybody close your eyes. Now open them. Paul Rudd is 50. What?[Cut to Joy]
Joy Behar: If Paul Rudd’s 50, I’m dead.[Cut to Ana]
Ana Navarro: Paul Rudd looks so young because he’s a good person. This is Paul Rudd at 50. [Cut to a picture of Paul Rudd] [Cut to Ana] And this is Steven Miller as a baby. [cut to picture of a baby body with Steven Miller’s face] [Cut to Ana] He will eat you from the inside.[Cut to everybody]
Everybody: Absolutely.[Cut to Whoopi]
Whoopi Goldberg: Our guest today is the vixen of anti-vax. Please welcome former ‘View’ co-host Jenny McCarthy.[Cut to Jenny entering the stage from a door][Music playing]
Jenny McCarthy: Oh, my god. [Jenny sits on her chair] [Cut to Whoopi]
Whoopi Goldberg: Welcome back, Jenny.[Cut to Jenny]
Jenny McCarthy: Oh, it’s good to be back, Whoop. Do you still do that thing where you kick each other under the table?[Cut to Joy and Jenny]
Joy Behar: No.
Jenny McCarthy: Ow. [Looks at Joy] [Cut to Megan]
Megan McCain: So, Jenny, you’ve been at the forefront of the anti-vaccination movement for years. But what was the tea on the mast singer? Did you know that the pineapple was Tommy Chong?[Cut to Jenny]
Jenny McCarthy: No. I actually thought it was Barack Obama.[Cut to Ana and Megan]
Ana Navarro: Okay. Back to the anti-vax thing.
Jenny McCarthy: Yes. [Cut to Jenny] I don’t believe in vaccinations. My doctor is Google. My science is twitter, and my religion is Donny Wahlberg.[Cut to Ana and Megan]
Megan McCain: Amen, sister.
Jenny McCarthy: I mean [Cut to Jenny] these vaccinations are so unnecessary like the polio vaccine. How many people do you know with polio?[Cut to Joy and Jenny]
Joy Behar: None, because we get vaccinated.
Jenny McCarthy: And that’s your opinion.[Cut to Ana]
Ana Navarro: But what about the measles outbreak? I mean you have to vaccinate your kids.[Cut to Jenny]
Jenny McCarthy: Well, I think reddit would disagree, and that’s why I’m organizing a rally against measles with all the people who aren’t vaccinated, hundreds of us in a big group, marching down the center of the city.[Cut to Whoopi acting concerned]
Whoopi Goldberg: Okay. When exactly is that?[Cut to Jenny]
Jenny McCarthy: That’s the weekend.[Cut to Whoopi]
Whoopi Goldberg: I will be out of town.[Cut to Megan]
Megan McCain: But what the left fails to understand is that vaccinations are a personal liberty issue.[Cut to Joy]
Joy Behar: Okay. Great, let them go extinct.[Cut to Megan]
Megan McCain: Can you let me finish?[Cut to Joy]
Joy Behar: Can you let me talk?[Cut to Megan]
Megan McCain: Well, can you let me finish?[Cut to Joy]
Joy Behar: Can I punch you in the face?[Cut to Whoopi water spraying them]
Whoopi Goldberg: No, no, no. We’ll be back. This is The View. No.[Ends with an outro]