Tag: Whos

Weekend Update- Co-Worker Who’s Extremely Busy Doing Seemingly Nothing on Returning to the Office

Colin Jost

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week, the Labor Department released data showing that more Americans are returning to the office in person. Here to comment is your coworker who’s extremely busy doing seemingly nothing.

[Crystal slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Crystal: Hi. Hi. Oh my god Colin, we’ve got to make this quick because I really got to get back. I gotta get back.

Colin Jost: Oh okay. Well, you just got here, Crystal. And thank you for being here.

Crystal: Icebreaker, icebreaker. Colin, how are you? Don’t answer that. Literally don’t have time to hear your answer. I am so slammed.

Colin Jost: Oh, so what do you do for work?

Crystal: Umm… [showing a bunch of papers] this!

Colin Jost: Wow, okay, well I guess I’d love to get a sense of like what you do in a day.

Crystal: Um, yeah. What don’t I do? Okay. Ask my team. Where are they? On my back. And my phone’s blowing up. I’m in hell.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry that you’re so slammed. Crystal.

Crystal: I need a vacation, but knowing me, I’d bring my work phone, aka, my husband.

Colin Jost: I love that you kissed your phone, but yeah I’m just so curious about what your job is.

Crystal: Colin, to explain it, the level I would have to start at, I literally don’t have the bandwidth. [looking at the papers] Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Okay. Oh my god. [showing a paper to Colin] Look.

Colin Jost: Yeah, this is a sign up sheet for birthday cake.

Crystal: Yeah, yeah. And then bringing Oreo Cheesecake. That ain’t gonna work. There goes my Easter Sunday.

Colin Jost: Why would there go your Easter Sunday?

Crystal: And doo-doo-doo-doo. [throws away her phone] I’m screwed.

Colin Jost: Crystal, can you just tell me one thing you do?

Crystal: Yeah. Okay, look. All right. So look at my spreadsheet, okay? These are all emails I’ve received.

Colin Jost: Great. Thanks.

Crystal: Now you understand?

Colin Jost: No, I don’t. No, I don’t understand. Where do you work?

Crystal: In the weeds.

Colin Jost: Okay. All right. I mean specifically. Specifically. Specifically where?

Crystal: Neck deep.

Colin Jost: No, that is not an answer. What do you do?

Crystal: Well, I’ll tell you what I don’t do. Eat. I haven’t eaten in months.

Colin Jost: Okay. Oh my god. Crystal, you need to take care of yourself.

Crystal: Umm, Kale see czar, my favorite. You know what? It’s kind of nice eating on the table and not on the toilet.

Colin Jost: Do you eat on the toilet?

Crystal: And I got an alert on my salad phone. [pulls a phone out of her food bowl]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. What does it say?

Crystal: I’m screwed.

Colin Jost: Stop throwing things.

Crystal: Keep talking because I am listening. Oh my god. I just pulled my pinky.

Colin Jost: Okay, Crystal, I just saw on your computer that all you have opened as a bunch of tabs for Ann Taylor and Loft.

Crystal: For work, of course. Because I am always here.

Colin Jost: Right. And where? Like, honestly, what do you do?

Crystal: I’m Che’s assistant.

Colin Jost: You’re Che’s assistant?

Michael Che: Hey, Chris is the best.

Colin Jost: Very busy coworker, everyone.

Crystal: I’m screwed.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update A Black Woman Whos Been Missing for Ten Years

Colin Jost

Missing black woman… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost:  Well, there’s been a lot of media coverage about a missing woman from Long Island, with some calling it another example of missing white woman syndrome since minority women are rarely given the same attention. Here with her thoughts is a black woman who has been missing for ten years.

[Missing black woman slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Welcome. Welcome.

Missing black woman: It’s good to be here, Colin. Honestly, it’s good to be anywhere because I had been missing, okay? It’s so frustrating. There was a white woman who went missing the same time as me and look at the photo they put out of her. [A picture of a white lady appears] Just gorgeous. Hair and make up all done. Make up, nails, all of that. Now, look at the photo they used for me. [A picture of Missing black woman appears and it’s not a good picture.] Who the hell wants to find that? Huh? I look like old dirty bastard’s dirtiest sister. And look at the white lady’s reward. $10,000. That’s a new car. Now, check out the reward for me. A $15 gift card for Chili’s Too. You got to go to an airport to use that, Colin. They’re offering chips and guacamole to find a human soul. It’s not right. And this is the worst part. At the top of my photo, they put ‘Wanted’. I’m not wanted. I’m missing! If I was wanted, I probably wouldn’t be missing. Plus the white girl got amber alert. Oh boy, every iPhone in the room started beeping and buzzing. They only put out my disappearance on Cricket Wireless. And if you opened the alert, it charged you $2.99.

Colin Jost: That is rough.

Missing black woman: Yeah.

Colin Jost: And how are you treated by the media?

Missing black woman: Not great. The newspaper headline about her disappearance was on the front page, okay? And it said “White virginal dime piece ripped from the hands of her loving, still married parents.” Not exactly sure why they needed to flaunt their marriage on missing person section. Well, okay. And mine was on page C-15 and that one read “Girl not home for 40 days, probably nothing, family cool with it.”

Colin Jost: That’s by the Obituaries.

Missing black woman: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Now, do you think that the media has to recognize its own bias in this?

Missing black woman: Oh, it’s not just the media, Colin. Even in the movies, black women can’t get attention. White women had “Gone Girl”, “Gone Baby Gone”, “Where In The World Did That Gone Girl Go?” The best black woman got was “Madea’s Witness Protection”.

Colin Jost: That’s tough. Yes.

Missing black woman: And do you remember “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”?

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah.

Missing black woman: Yeah, that was three billboards for one white girl. All I got was a flyer at McDonald’s that said “You’ve seen this bitch? Either way, we good.”

Colin Jost: Well, I would just like to say that here in Weekend Update, we pledge all we speak up for those without voices.

Missing black woman: Okay. Because yesterday your co-anchor posted [picture of Michael Che’s Insta post appears] “What did R. Kelly even do?”

Michael Che: What did he do? I mean, you don’t want to answer.

Colin Jost: A black woman who’s been missing for 10 years, everyone.

Missing black woman: Ya’ll haven’t even asked my name.

Colin Jost: What is your name?

Missing black woman: Dont!