Crystal… Heidi Gardner[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Last week, the Labor Department released data showing that more Americans are returning to the office in person. Here to comment is your coworker who’s extremely busy doing seemingly nothing.[Crystal slides in] [cheers and applause]
Crystal: Hi. Hi. Oh my god Colin, we’ve got to make this quick because I really got to get back. I gotta get back.
Colin Jost: Oh okay. Well, you just got here, Crystal. And thank you for being here.
Crystal: Icebreaker, icebreaker. Colin, how are you? Don’t answer that. Literally don’t have time to hear your answer. I am so slammed.
Colin Jost: Oh, so what do you do for work?
Crystal: Umm… [showing a bunch of papers] this!
Colin Jost: Wow, okay, well I guess I’d love to get a sense of like what you do in a day.
Crystal: Um, yeah. What don’t I do? Okay. Ask my team. Where are they? On my back. And my phone’s blowing up. I’m in hell.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry that you’re so slammed. Crystal.
Crystal: I need a vacation, but knowing me, I’d bring my work phone, aka, my husband.
Colin Jost: I love that you kissed your phone, but yeah I’m just so curious about what your job is.
Crystal: Colin, to explain it, the level I would have to start at, I literally don’t have the bandwidth. [looking at the papers] Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Okay. Oh my god. [showing a paper to Colin] Look.
Colin Jost: Yeah, this is a sign up sheet for birthday cake.
Crystal: Yeah, yeah. And then bringing Oreo Cheesecake. That ain’t gonna work. There goes my Easter Sunday.
Colin Jost: Why would there go your Easter Sunday?
Crystal: And doo-doo-doo-doo. [throws away her phone] I’m screwed.
Colin Jost: Crystal, can you just tell me one thing you do?
Crystal: Yeah. Okay, look. All right. So look at my spreadsheet, okay? These are all emails I’ve received.
Colin Jost: Great. Thanks.
Crystal: Now you understand?
Colin Jost: No, I don’t. No, I don’t understand. Where do you work?
Crystal: In the weeds.
Colin Jost: Okay. All right. I mean specifically. Specifically. Specifically where?
Crystal: Neck deep.
Colin Jost: No, that is not an answer. What do you do?
Crystal: Well, I’ll tell you what I don’t do. Eat. I haven’t eaten in months.
Colin Jost: Okay. Oh my god. Crystal, you need to take care of yourself.
Crystal: Umm, Kale see czar, my favorite. You know what? It’s kind of nice eating on the table and not on the toilet.
Colin Jost: Do you eat on the toilet?
Crystal: And I got an alert on my salad phone. [pulls a phone out of her food bowl]
Colin Jost: Oh my god. What does it say?
Crystal: I’m screwed.
Colin Jost: Stop throwing things.
Crystal: Keep talking because I am listening. Oh my god. I just pulled my pinky.
Colin Jost: Okay, Crystal, I just saw on your computer that all you have opened as a bunch of tabs for Ann Taylor and Loft.
Crystal: For work, of course. Because I am always here.
Colin Jost: Right. And where? Like, honestly, what do you do?
Crystal: I’m Che’s assistant.
Colin Jost: You’re Che’s assistant?
Michael Che: Hey, Chris is the best.
Colin Jost: Very busy coworker, everyone.
Crystal: I’m screwed.
Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.