The Shoemaker & The Elves

Shoemaker… Louis C.K.

Kenan Thompson

Venessa Bayer

Wife… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a book “The Shoemaker and the Elves”.]

Male voice: After enjoying many nights of assistance from the magical Elves, the Shoemaker awoke to find an unpleasant surprise.

[Cut to Shoemaker getting in a room]

Shoemaker: Hmm. Time to see where the Elves have left. [walks to the table] What is this? This is odd, just one half done boot. This is not like them. Or family will go hungry.

[two elves appear in front of Shoemaker]

Male Elf: Master shoemaker, we are here to serve.

Female elf: What seems to be the problem?

Shoemaker: It’s just that this is not like you. I feel like you’re letting me down a little bit.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Oh, no!

Male Elf: So sorry. That was not our intention at all.

Female elf: No sir.

Male Elf: Probably the best thing to do is to teach us some kind of a lesson. You know, so we get the message.

Female elf: Yeah, like some sort of punishment.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Punishment? Like what?

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Whatever you think is fair.

Male Elf: It could be physical.

Female elf: Yeah, like some kind of physical, discipline…

[Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Look, that’s not my style. Why don’t I just say “Try harder” and leave it at that?

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Oh, so no punishment?

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: No! Just do better!

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: We won’t let you down.

[Cut to the wall clock ringing] [Cut to the room after many hours. Male Elf and Female elf are sitting on the table. Shoemaker walks in]

Male Elf: Good morning Mr. Cobbler.

Female elf: Good morn to you.

Shoemaker: You guys, this is– I mean you’ve done nothing.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Oh, no! Are you kidding?

Female elf: We just won’t learn, will we?

Male Elf: How are you gonna handle this, sir? [Male Elf turns his butt towards Shoemaker to get hit.] [Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Don’t do that. This is serious. I have customers who need shoes and I don’t feel like making them.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Totally! Probably cause for some physical punishment.

Female elf: Yeah, you must be so horny– I mean, mad! If I were you, I’d just grab me by my hair and shake me.

Male Elf: Yeah, and I’d tie me up over here and stuff a crab apple in my mouth.

Female elf: Then take a paddle and crack it across both of our rear ends.

Male Elf: Yeah, I think that will be a good motivator.

Female elf: That would definitely put a fire under my butt.

Male Elf: Speaking of butts, I wanna go ahead and just flop over here and see if it tempts you to give me the spanking I deserve.

[Male Elf bends over] [Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Guys!

Male Elf and Female elf: Just try it!

Shoemaker: Uh! Alright, maybe just one little–

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt]

Male Elf: Ah! Harder!

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt again]

Female elf: Oh, it’s gotta be harder!

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt again]

Male Elf: Whoo!

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Look, forget it! This is insane! You guys are starting to really make me…

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Angry? It’s completely justified!

Female elf: I guess you’re gonna want to go to the restroom on us now.

[Male Elf pulls up a plastic sheet roll]

Male Elf: I guess I’ll just unfold this plastic sheet. You know, to like, protect the floor but also to collect it just in case we wanna use it for something later. I don’t know. Everything is up to you.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I am not going to go to the restroom upon you. Now, put that sheet away. I’m beginning to regret rescuing you from that windowless cottage at the edges of forest.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: So, act on that!

Male Elf: Act on that frustration!

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Look, elves. Come on! You don’t know how much I want to dominate you both right now. I so want to call you both nastiest of names I can think of.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Do it!

Female elf: Do exactly that.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I want to take my pants off and parade around in front of you in my underwear.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Great idea!

Female elf: I’m making so many pairs of shoes in my mind right now.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I want to make you call me daddy, then I force you to wash the kitchen floor with sponges on your bottoms.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: I’m ready!

Female elf: Into it.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: But at last, I can’t do any of those things. And you want to know why? Because I’m married.

[Wife walks in]

Wife: Husband!

Shoemaker: Oh, no! How much did you hear?

Wife: Enough to know that you must choose between me and the elves.

[Wife leaves]

Shoemaker: Well, you heard her. [looking at the camera asking audience] What do you think I should do? If you think I should stay faithful to my wife, text the number 1 to 18005550199. If you think I should sexually dominate the elves, text 2. We’ll be back later with the results.

[The End]

Wedding Venue Ad | Season 44 Episode 13

Husband… Kate McKinnon

Wife… Aidy Bryant

Chef, Photographer and DJ… Don Cheadle

[Starts with video clips of dining hall]

Husband: Silks.

Wife: Satin.

Husband: Big drapes.

Wife: Crystal goblets.

Husband: Gold forks.

Wife: Everything shiny.

[Cut to husband and wife]

Husband: Anything you want, we have at the Regal Promenade for Billions.

Wife: We’re located in Queens right across form where the taxis go to sleep.

Husband: Amazing wedding for your niece with braces.

Wife: She has a big princess dress with boobies on top? It’ll look perfect dragging a cross our driveway.

Husband: The roundest driveway in Queens. We have everything.

Wife: Dusty scone.

Husband: Windows.

Wife: Light bulbs and ceilings.

Husband: Loose outlet. You plug in your phone and they fall right out.

Wife: Chairing wearing a dress like a beautiful late lady.

Husband: The youngest valets you can imagine.

Wife:  They born 2005.

Husband: Everything we have, it has a carpet.

Wife: Bathroom carpet and kitchen carpet. Even chair feel like carpets.

Husband: Are you hungry? We can fix that.

Wife: Our world renowned chef can make your dinner.

[Cut to Chef]

Chef: The buttered sea shells. The rolls hard and big. The entrée, take on liquid potato covered in the squeakiest green beans you will ever bite in your life. Guaranteed to be kissed by a mouth.

[Cut to husband and wife]

Husband: We got married at 12 years old.

Wife: Join us for a wedding. Corporate banquet. Real house wife fashion show.

Husband: If your brother’s going to get in fist fight out of christening please have it here.

Wife: With us, you’re where you will have it all.

Husband: Screaming 8-year-old in a tuxedo.

Wife: Dad with a wad of cash.

Husband: A free balloon stuck to the ceiling.

Wife: Pink soap that hates your hands. And don’t forget, our two guys at the door.

Husband: Just try to leave without paying. They are going to kill you.

Wife: Treasure your memories with photos.

Husband: They can buy our in house cameraman.

[Cut to Photographer]

Photographer: I will get the shot. I will be in your face. You will see sixth pictures of the ceremony, 200 of a specific bride’s maids. And one of myself, on mistake.

[Cut to husband and wife]

Wife: If you’re have your wedding here, we will both going to be there.

Husband: Standing in back on walkie-talkies, I yell at the staff.

Wife: And I’m going to slap my daughter in front of your family, free of charge.

Husband: For the police show up, we are church, okay?

Wife: And for dancing, we provide a DJ with exquisite light and sound equipment.

[Cut to the DJ]

DJ: My lights are every color and everywhere. Guaranteed to blind and confuse your grandma. And I got mad songs. I got Shania Twain and Black Street Boys. And a cookie little Jewish songs for when they run around in a circle at the bar. That’s it.

[Cut to husband and wife]

Husband: And listen, if it’s a gay wedding, we will probably giggle a little bit.

Wife: That’s the Regal Promenade Pavilion.

Husband and Wife: We make your wedding look like a wedding.

Roach-Ex | Season 44 Episode 13

Bill… Mikey Day

Wife… Heidi Gardner

Roach Don… Don Cheadie

Roach Kyle… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a clip of a house][Cut to a family sitting in living room, Bill, his wife and his son]

Narrator: We are Roach-Ex now. [Doorbell rings] There’s nothing worse than unexpected [Bill opens the door] house guests. [Roach Don and Roach Kyle are outside the door]

Roach Don: Home sweet home.

[Roaches get in comfortably]

Narrator: Especially roaches.

Roach Kyle: Nice place!

[Cut to Bill outside his toilet] [Roach Kyle comes out]

Narrator: They always make their presence felt.

Roach Kyle: Give it a minute.

[Cut to dark room]

Narrator: And once roaches move in—

[Bill turns on the light. The Roaches are making mess at the dining table.]

Roach Don: Hey, knock it off with the light, huh?

Narrator: They make themselves right at home.

[Cut to Roach Don is between Bill and his wife watching TV]

Roach Don: Ha-ha! He won’t actually say anything.

[Cut to Roach Don puts his hand on Bill’s wife’s knee and Bill notices it]

Narrator: And before you know it, [Cut to Bill opens curtain to see Roach Don, his wife and his son getting along outside the house] they’re practically part of the family.

[Cut to Bill getting inside the house]

Because when it comes to roaches —

Bill: Hello?

Narrator: Let’s face it.

[Cut to Bill walking up stairs]

Bill:  Hun?

Narrator: What’s yours – is theirs. [Bill opens the bedroom door and finds his wife and Roach Don having sex] [Cut to Bill meets Roach Don at the hall way]

Bill: You had sex with my wife.

Roach Don:  Somebody had to.

[Roach Don pats Bills shoulder and leaves] [Cut to Bill’s wife in bed smoking a cigarette]

Bill: That’s not good.

[Cut to Roach Don, Bill’s wife and Bill’s son in TV room] [Bill walks in] Get out of my house!

[Cut to Roach Don]

Roach Don: Oh, Bill, perfect timing. We’re running a little low on snacks, buddy.

[Bill takes out a Roach-Ex Plus spray] [Cut to Bill’s wife]

Bill’s Wife: Bill? Bill, you’re drunk.

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: Shut up!

[Cut to Roach Kyle. He sees the Roach-Ex Plus spray and hides away] [Cut to Bill with his spray and a bottle of whiskey drinking]

Roach Don: Well, well, well. [Cut Roach Don walks to Bill] A big man’s got himself a can of Roach-Ex Plus. What are you going to do with it, Bill? Are you going to spray me?

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: Shut up.

[Cut to Roach Don]

Roach Don:  Well, spray me, Bill. Go ahead, do it. [Bill’s hand is shivering] You know what, I’ll give you a little help. [Roach Don puts is head to the spray] [Cut to Bill]

Bill: You’re crazy?

Roach Don: That’s right, I’m crazy, Bill. [Cut to Bill’s wife scared] Get me out of your house, you just got to push the nozzle. Do it.

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: I’ll do it.

[Roach Don]

Roach Don: Do it, Bill. Spray me. Do it!

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: I will!

[Roach Don]

Roach Don: Ha-ha. You can’t do it, can you, Bill? You know why? Because you’re not a man. You’re nothing but  a—Ahh!

[Bill’s son sprayed the Roach-Ex Plus on Roach Don][Roach Don falls to the ground and starts to shiver, and slowly dies]

Bill’s Wife: No! No! No!

Narrator: So send roaches an eviction notice with Roach-Ex Plus roach killer. Roaches don’t stand a chance.

 

Christmas Ornaments | Season 44 Episode 9

Husband… Kyle Mooney

Wife… Melissa Villaseñor

Drunk Santa… Beck Bennett

Good Will Hunting ornament… Matt Damon

Harry Potter… Mikey Day

Souvenir from Cleveland… Kenan Thompson

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Barb… Aidy Bryant

The Angel… Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clip of house in Christmas]

Husband: There it is. I love this one, [Cut to husband and wife decorating Christmas tree inside their house] drunk Santa. This baby’s going front and center.

Wife: Oh, come on babe, drunk Santa is tacky. This is a classy tree.

Husband: Okay, sorry. Drunk Santa, you’ve been sentenced to the back of the tree. [Husband places the Drunk Santa at the back of the tree] [Cut to ornaments at the back of the tree]

Drunk Santa: Wait, wait, wait, wait, where am I! [Talking over each other] Why am I back here with all of you?

Souvenir from Cleveland: All of us losers? The d-listers? Face it, Fish, you’re one of us! [Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland] The ornaments that are only seen by the wall. I’m your peer now. Take a good look at me! I’m a souvenir from your trip to Cleveland. You heard that right, Cleveland. And greeting singular from Cleveland, I was clearly bought at an airport. I’m head to toe nudes and when you lose, you lose. I’m back here with the freaks, and the fuglies, and now you are too.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland, Drunk Santa and Good Will Hunting ornament]

Drunk Santa: But I’m funny.

Souvenir from Cleveland: Ha-ha! You all hear that, he’s funny! Fool, you’re tacky, and tacky goes in backy!

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: But I was in front of the tree once.

Good Will Hunting ornament: So was I, fish, [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] years ago. And for your consideration promotional “Good Will Hunting” ornament. Yeah, cause that makes sense. “Good Will Hunting” screams Christmas. [Cut to Drunk Santa confused] And get this, I can talk too. You want to hear that sound like with [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] 20 year old batteries?  [In dead battery voice] “How do you like them apples?”

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh, no, I don’t like them at all!

Good Will Hunting ornament: What, [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] you don’t think it’s fair? On the back of me, you know what it says? It says, “Happy holidays from the Weinstein company”. Yeah, that holds up. [Cut to Drunk Santa] I’ve aged about as well as Rudy over there.

Drunk Santa: Who’s Rudy?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Me, a Rudy Giuliani Ornament from 2001. I still don’t understand why I’m back here. I’m America’s mayor. Did something change?

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Yes, you see that Fish, you got to accept you’re back of the tree material now. Don’t be like Harry Potter, who refuses to accept that. Since the back of his quidditch broom broke, he looks like he’s doing something nasty.

[Cut to Harry Potter. It looks like he’s holding his penis in place of the broom]

Harry Potter: Be quiet! I look like I play quidditch, and nothing more!

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland:  You look like the cover of a “Harry Potter” porno!

[Cut to Harry Potter]

Harry Potter:  No, I don’t. And when they get me a new broom, I’ll be back on the front, you’ll see!

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Potter’s got the most dangerous thing you can have back here, hope.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right, Fish. You should give up, like Barb.

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Barb, who’s Barb?

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Kill me!

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh god, what is she?

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Beats me. Kid brought her home from Kindergarten, and said I made a Christmas and that’s all we know.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Barb, what the hell even are you?

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Barb is dead. You call me what I am. You call me Macaroni turd.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland, Drunk Santa and Good Will Hunting ornament][Someone starts to sing]

Drunk Santa: What is that?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani:  That my fiend, is the angel.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: She’s a destroyed ornament kept for sentimental value.

Souvenir from Cleveland: She used to be the angel, [Cut to the Angel facing sideways] living large up on top of the tree. And then a light bulb melted off her damn head. [The Angel turns her head. Her half head is melt.] She’s never been the same since.

[The Angel sings in a horrible voice] [Cut to Harry Potter]

Harry Potter: She sings us to sleep ever night. The anthem of the ugly, the hymn of the hideous.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Let me be the first to say greeting from the back of the tree.

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Macaroni turd could be a friend to you.

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh, god, I can’t believe I’m going to spend my Christmas back here with you people.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Believe it Fish, you’re one of us now. [In dead battery voice] How do you like them apples?