Tag: Wilbur Ross

Meet The Press Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 12

Chuck Todd… Kyle Mooney

Eugene Robinson… Kenan Thompson

Peggy Noonal… Cecily Strong

Donna Brazile… Leslie Jones

Wilbur Ross… Kate McKinnon

Matt Whitaker… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Meet the Press intro]

[Cut to Chuck Todd in his news set]

Chuck Todd: Hello, and welcome to Meet the Press. I’m Chuck Todd and I’m still figuring out my whole look. As always, I’m joined by the leading journalists in the world. Pulitzer prize winning columnist for The Washington Post. Eugene Robinson.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Thank you for having me.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Best selling author and colonist for the “Wall Street Journal,” Peggy Noonan.

[Cut to Peggy Noonan]

Peggy Noonan: Hi Chuck.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And political strategist, author and former chair of the DNC, Donna Brazile.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: Great to be here.

Chuck Todd: All right. Let’s start with what [Cut to everybody] everyone’s talking about and a new low for journalism, the ‘National Enquirer’ [Cut to Chuck Todd] was accused this week of blackmailing Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos. You are all highly respected journalists. So when all is said and done, what do you think Jeff Bezos’ penis is going to look like?

[Cut to Donna Brazile, she looks confused]

Donna Brazile: Excuse me?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: I know, normally high minded journalists would not talk about something like this, but it does involve the richest man in America and the president of the United States. So, Jeff Bezos’ penis. [Cut to Peggy Noonan] What do you think it’s going to look like?

Peggy Noonan: I’m going to jump right in, Chuck. Now, when I hear billionaire’s penis, I immediately think small potatoes. Like they say, if it’s small and looks funny, you better have the money, honey.

[Cut to Peggy and Donna]

Donna Brazile: Small potatoes?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Eugene, your thoughts?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Well as a journalist, this is not something I thought I would have to cover. But as a human being, I’m naturally curious. Is he working with something the size of an Amazon Echo or is it more of a dot?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: My money is on Echo. Now, there are obviously major implications for the story beyond Jeff Bezos’s penis. It brings us back to blackmail and invasion of privacy and potentially even crimes committed by foreign agents. My question is, what do you think the coloration is like?

[Cut to Peggy and Donna]

Donna Brazile: Oh, my god, Chuck?

Peggy Noonan: I will take this one. I think it’s going to be [Cut to Peggy Noonan] splotchy, Chuck. A man his age, plus he’s a runner and it’s probably jangled around a lot down there over time. That’s going to lead to patchy sections.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: No, no. I completely disagree, Peggy. He’s a man of means, so I’m sure there are oils and precious minerals that can smooth and replenish that.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: What is happening right now.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Eugene, what do you think this says about our country in general?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: It’s a disgraceful. It’s awful. I mean this is a clear violation of someone’s privacy.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And what about when the pictures do come out?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: I will look at them. I will make them into hilarious memes and send them to all my friends.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Now, obviously the mainstream media has a responsible to handle the story in a mature, adult manner. As you can see, from the New York post headline, [Chuck takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Bezos exposes Pecker’ out] ‘Bezos exposes Pecker’. Eugene, what do you think of that?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: It’s insane. You call yourself a respectable publication? I would have gone with your [Eugene takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Amazon package is on its way’ out] ‘Amazon package is on its way’. That’s you just me.

[Cut to Peggy Noonan]

Peggy Noonan: That’s interesting see. I would have done [Peggy takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Stroke of genius, Bezos gives pecker the shaft’ out] ‘Stroke of genius, Bezos gives pecker the shaft’.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: Did you guys make your own fake headlines?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: All right, let’s pivot away from penises for a moment.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Awe!

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And focus on the state of the union. The president used the speech to champion his tax cuts and policy of deregulation. Here to explain further is the secretary of commerce, billionaire Wilbur Ross.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: Hello. I’m sorry. Before we started the producer put something in my ear and I have been hearing ghosts.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Chuck Todd: Wilbur, that’s just an earpiece so you can hear what we are seeing.

Wilbur Ross: But it sounded like you kept saying penis.

Chuck Todd: Yes, we were talking about the Jeff Bezos story.

Wilbur Ross: I don’t want to talk about penises. I’m not one of the guys. I like watching sports and drinking a cold glass of blood.

Chuck Todd: Okay great. So, Mr. Ross, you are familiar with this story then?

Wilbur Ross: Yes, of course. I know what a dick pic is. [Cut to Wilbur Ross] When you hire the services of 10 homeless gentlemen and they show you their penises and you pick one and say, “Let’s switch”, and you give them $100 and now their penis is your penis. But choose carefully because if it’s too big, you will fall over.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Chuck Todd: Okay, my thanks to Mr. Ross. [Cut to Chuck Todd] Of course yesterday congressional testimony from acting Attorney General Mathew Whitaker turned extremely contentious. Here with his side of the story is Matt Whitaker.

[Cut to Matt Whitaker]

Matt Whitaker: Yeah, what?

Chuck Todd: Mr. Whitaker?

Matt Whitaker: Hurry up, Chuck. I don’t got a lot of time.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Matt Whitaker at the right]

Chuck Todd: Very true. You are almost done with your tenure in the Justice Department.

Matt Whitaker: Yes, that’s right. I was U.S. Attorney General for three months and soon I will go back to my job of breaking up fights on the Jerry Springer show.

Chuck Todd: Sir, the Justice Department investigates the claims that Jeff Bezos has made against the enquirer and the president.

[Cut to Matt Whitaker]

Matt Whitaker: I don’t have a lot of Sympathy for Jeff Bezos. Every time I post a photo of myself it gets flagged as a dick pic.

Chuck Todd: Just to be clear, president Trump [Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Matt Whitaker at the right] ever directed you interfere in the Mueller investigation?

Matt Whitaker: Well, you know what, chuck? [Cut to Matt Whitaker] I’m going to say something I left out of my testimony. This is going to blow everything out of the water here. Mr. Trump called me and whispered to me –

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: I’m sorry to interrupt, but the Bezos pics have actually come out at this very moment.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Oh, Christmas in February!

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Let’s stay on this topic for the entire show and live from New York, it’s a Saturday Night.

Tucker Carlson Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 11

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Wilbur Ross… Kate McKinnon

Roger Stone… Steve Martin

[Starts with Tucker Carlson Tonight intro]

[Cut to Tucker Carson in his news set]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening, everyone. I’m Tucker Carlson. I’m like if those shorts with the little whales on them came to life. Our top story tonight, president Trump’s heroic end to the shutdown. It took him 35 days, but he was finally able to get no wall. Meanwhile, as the democrats stall, the crisis at our border rages on. Here with her take is the host of justice with Judge Jeanine. Jeanine Pirro. Jeanine, how are you?

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: A lot.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Jeanine Pirro at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Now, Jeanine, I’m going to smugly ask a question I already know the answer to. Warning towards viewers, my voice will get very high.

[Cut to Tucker Carson]

These democrats, do they want MS-13 invading their towns and tying up their hands and feet with duct tape?

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Sadly, the answer to that question is ‘Si Senor’. At this point Ms-13 is getting so brazen they’re promoting their own holiday in America. It’s called [Cut to ad banner of the holiday] ‘Sicario Day of the Soldado’.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Jeanine Pirro at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Wow. What is the president’s next step, Jeanine? And to show I’m really paying attention to you, I’m going to put my listening face. I call it dog looking in a mirror.

[Tucker Carson starts to stare at the camera like a dog]

Jeanine Pirro: Well, tucker, we have to take a Marie Kondo approach to cleaning up this country. If something doesn’t spark joy, throw it out. You know what doesn’t spark joy in me? Guatemalans.

Tucker Carlson: Terrific, let me ask you this, weren’t the furloughed government workers happy to go without pay because they believe in the president and the wall?

Jeanine Pirro: Definitely not, but absolutely yes. I spoke with dozens of TSA workers, and they said they were so honored to work for free. And then they did the universal gesture for jerking off. That’s how excited they were.

Tucker Carlson: Jeanine, you’re the best.

Jeanine Pirro: [Yelling] I know.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: Of course, democrats are using the shutdown to portray the Trump administration as out of touch with every day Americans. But that’s simply ridiculous. Here to comment is Secretary of Commerce and Man of the People, Wilbur Ross.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross.]

Wilbur Ross: Where do I look? Do I look into the spaceship?

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Now, Wilbur, earlier this week, you said that you didn’t understand why furloughed government workers needed food assistance, because they could just take ‘low-interest loans instead’?
Wilbur Ross: Right, well, that was silly of me. [Cut to Wilbur Ross] I simply meant that there are other ways of getting money. They could have liquidated some of their stocks, or sold one of their paintings. Even if they sold a lesser Picasso, it’s still going to get you through a week or two of yacht maintenance.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: I still think that comes across as insensitive to people living paycheck to paycheck.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: No, no. All I meant was, that we all have to make sacrifices in times of hardship. For example, instead of going out to dinner, you could open a restaurant in your house. For a period of time, you could have your horses attend public school. The small things add up.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: You don’t think the Trump administration is out of step with the American people?

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: No, no. Look, maybe I do sleep in one of the cocoons from the movie “Cocoon”. That doesn’t mean I live in a bubble. I live in a cocoon.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: My thanks to Secretary Ross. Our final story this week, of course, is the dramatic, some would say ludicrous arrest of long time Trump associate Roger Stone. The man is 66 years old, frail, barely able to post shirtless photos of his jacked body. Clearly no threat to anyone. Yet this is how the FBI raided his home.

[Cut to video clips of FBI raiding from action movie Captain America- Civil War.]

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Oh, my god, just horrifying. Here with his side of the story is a man you look at and instantly think, I trust this guy. Please welcome Roger Stone.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Roger Stone: What a fun couple of days. I’m loving the ride, go Nixon.

Tucker Carlson: Mr. Stone. You had a harrowing past 36 hours, your home was raided, you were arrested and charged with seven felony accounts. Including lying to congress.

Roger Stone: That was four counts.

Tucker Carlson: The indictment says seven.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: Okay, I’m lying. Honestly, I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I mean, seven felonies, one, two – I can’t even count that high. How cool is that?

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Mr. Stone, what I think you’re really trying to say is that you’re feeble old man right?

Roger Stone: Yeah, right, the pity thing. I’m a poor helpless old man, I’m 66. I’m almost so old as sting.

Tucker Carlson: And that’s why it was so awful the way the police raided your home.

Roger Stone: Exactly. The whole experience was so harrowing. [Cut to Roger Stone] And afterwards I could only manage one radio interview. And a speech from the steps of the courthouse and two appearances on television. It’s horrible.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: And you – and haven’t these ridiculous accusations made you poverty stricken as well?

Roger Stone: Oh, yeah, that’s right. I’m broke from my legal battles and now no one will buy my books.

Tucker Carlson: Why will no one buy your books?

Roger Stone: Because they’re bad.

Tucker Carlson: Just tell people how they can donate money to help you.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: I’ve set up a donation page based on phrase people have been yelling at me called “hey, roger, go fund yourself”.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Thank you for your time Mr. Stone.

Roger Stone: Pardon me?

Tucker Carlson:  I said, thank you.

Roger Stone: Oh, no. That wasn’t a question, I was saying that to the president. Pardon me.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: Well, I’m sure he appreciates your loyalty and your eccentricities.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: Hey, I’m just a normal and straight forward guy. And live from New York. It’s Saturday Night.