Will Ferrell’s Ryan Reynolds Monologue

Will Farrell

Ryan Reynolds

Tracy Morgan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Will Ferrell.

[cheers and applause] [band playing music] [Will Farrell walks in the door and to the stage]

Will Farrell: Thank you, thank you very much. It is so nice to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live.” New York city in the house. Get your hands up. Get your hands up. Is this a thing that people still do? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Like I was saying, it is so great to be back here in studio8-H. I was a cast member for seven years. I cherished every moment that I was here. Really some of the best times that I—I’m sorry. One second. Excuse me. But you look like Ryan Reynolds.

[Cut Ryan Reynolds sitting between the audience.] [cheers and applause]

Ryan Reynolds: Yeah. I get that a lot.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Is it you?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yes, it’s me.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Oh, wow. Okay, cool. Welcome to the show.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Thank you. I’m a big fan.

Will Farrell: Big fan of me?

Ryan Reynolds: Yeah. Oh, okay.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Fine. I didn’t know you were going to be here. Yeah. Okay. So, where were we? I – I can’t believe you’re here. God, Ryan Reynolds is here.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Ryan Reynolds waving] [Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Cool, cool. Okay. Sorry, you good?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yes, I’m good. I’m just here to enjoy the show.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Yes, of course. Anyway, always great to be hack in the new blork. New York. New York. Speaking English much? Got milk? Is it really you?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yes, it’s me.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: And you came to the show because—

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: To see you. Like I said, we’re big fans.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: We’re? Like we? Who’s we?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: My wife and I.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: You mean Blake Lively?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yes.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: And she’s watching, too?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yeah. She’s at home, but yeah.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: And she likes me, too?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Probably more than me.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: [laughing] Okay. That’s not too shabby. Great. Fun. TSA pre check what? Sorry. What am I saying? Okay. So, anyway, I was saying New York city in the house. I have never gotten that phrase, “In the house.” Like, all of New York city could, you know, fit into one house. Imagine the line for the bathroom.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Will? You’ve got to stop looking at me, okay?

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Oh, am I? Am I? Is it too much?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yeah, it’s—It’s a little much. Yeah.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Backstreet’s back all right. What? Why would I say that? Why? Why would I say that in front of Ryan Reynolds. You would never mess up like that, would you?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Can you just pretend I’m not here?

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: No way. It’s too late. I’m locked in. It’s like the rest of the audience has disappeared.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Will, just do the monologue.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: No, the monologue is terrible. But you know what’s not terrible? Ryan Reynolds. Yeah! Ryan Reynolds. He took ‘Deadpool” from scrap heap and turned it into box office gold.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Are you impersonating Tracy Morgan?

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Whenever I get nervous, I go into Tracy Morgan. In fact, I delivered my wedding vows in his voice. I was so nervous. It was a big day.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: No, no, no, no, no. Don’t do that.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Will Farrell can do whatever he wants.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: I just wanted to enjoy the show. Please stop addressing me.

[Cut to Will Farrell. Tracy Morgan walks in.]

Tracy Morgan: Ryan Reynolds, you listen to me. The prophecy must be fulfilled. This is Will Ferrell. Ferrell. He can do what he wants to do. I suckled from his comedy bosom. And like a young Luke Skywalker, he filled me with strength. The rest is as they say, “It’s puppy dogs and gum drops.”

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: What’s happening?

[Cut to Will Farrell and Tracy Morgan]

Will Farrell: The prophecy! Oh, my goodness, thank you, Tracy! I feel so much better.

Tracy Morgan: Anything for you, Farrell. If you talk like me again, I’m going to bust your ass.

Will Farrell: As you should. Yes, yes! We’ve got a great show for you tonight. King Princess is here. So, don’t go away.

Both: Backstreet’s back all right!

Ventriloquist

Announcer… Alex Moffat

Wally Culpepper… Will Farrell

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with an announcer at the stage of Hi-Hat lounge] [applause]

Announcer: All right folks, we’re just getting warmed up tonight at the Hi-hat lounge . Please welcome to the stage Wally Culpepper and his little pal Chippy.

[Announcer leaves the stage. Wally Culpepper comes to the stage with his puppet.] [applause]

Wally: Hey! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am indeed Wally Culpepper and this little stick of firewood is Chippy. Chippy, would you like to say “Hi” to all the lovely ladies and gentlemen tonight?[Chippy is the puppet]

Chippy: I sure would. When are they showing up?

Wally: Boy, Chippy, sounds like you might have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

Chippy: I thought so, too. But your wife didn’t mind.

[Cut to audience laughing] [Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Now, Chippy. That’s not very polite.

Chippy: You try being polite when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butt.

[Cut to audience laughing] [Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Chippy. This is a family show. Try to keep it G-rated.

Chippy: You try keeping it G-rated when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butty.

[Cut to the audience confused and not laughing] [Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Okay. Okay. We get the point. So do you have any plans for the weekend, Chippy?

Chippy: You try having plans this weekend when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butt. I’m not trying to be funny. This man’s entire hand is up my butt.

[Cut to the audience confused and not laughing]

Kenan: Hey, man. Cut it out.

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: You see, Chippy, the audience doesn’t appreciate your high jinx.

Chippy: Don’t listen to him! You are witnessing a crime. And you are all complicit. Help! Help! This grown man has his entire hand up my butt!

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Hey, get your hand out the little man’s butt!

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: I’m sorry?

[Cut to the audience]

Cecily: He said get your hand out of his butt. He’s clearly not into this. Boo!

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: Ladies and gentlemen, please. It’s a puppet. It’s just part of the act. I set up a joke and have the puppet deliver a sassy comeback, okay? Watch. Hey, Chippy, tell them what you did last night.

Chippy: I spent hours hemorrahaging on the toilet, you monster. My insides are pulp.

[Cut to the audience]

Cecily: Was that the punch line? Honey, do something.

Kenan: You take your hand out of the puppet’s butt. You are killing him.

Chippy: Just let me go!

[audience booing] [Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: All right, all right! Everybody cool it. I’ll take my hand out. All right? And I’ll show you how ridiculous you’re all acting. [Wally puts the puppet on the stool.] See? It’s just a puppet, okay? Now, can I go on with the show now please, sir?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Chippy, you good man? [The puppet doesn’t speak] All right. I guess.

[Cut to Wally and Chippy]

Wally: All right. Thank you. Now, let’s have some fun. [Wally takes a jar of lubricant and puts it all over his hand. Then he puts his hand inside the puppet.]

Chippy: Ah! Ah! Ah! That never gets easier.

Wally: Not with you as a partner, it doesn’t. Hit it, Leon.

[music playing]

You say potato and I say potahto.

Chippy: My name is Lewis Maldanado. Someone please call my wife.