George W. Bush Announcement Cold Open

George W. Bush… Will Farrell

Male voice: And now it’s announcement form the 43rd president of the United States, George W. Bush.

[Cut to George W. Bush walking to the podium] [cheers and applause]

George W. Bush: This is an important day. I’ve made a big decision. I’m entering the race for president of the United States of America.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you. Few of the republicans out there are so messed up I figure it makes you miss me, doesn’t it? And that’s saying a lot. I’ve already got my campaign song. “Ready or not, here I come, you can’t hide, I’m gonna find you and make you love me.” That’s a little something from the Fugees. I’m telling ya’, I can beat these guys. Here, let’s take a look. It’s some of the front runners.

[Cut to a picture of Ben Carson] Dr. Ben Carson. [Cut to George W. Bush] I can barely hear him when he talks. I’ll tell you something, that’s not gonna work when you have to go to China or Azerbaijan, where you have to talk loudly so they will understand. Not to mention, he’s some kind of brain surgeon. And I got news for him, running the country is not brain surgery. Trust me, I know.

Next. [Cut to picture of Carly Fiorina] Carly Fiorina. [Cut to George W. Bush] I like Carly. She’s got guts. She got fired from her job. She got her butt kicked in her senate race. She’s not qualified in any way to be president. In many ways, she reminds me of me. But she isn’t me. I am me.

Next. [Cut to picture of Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz] Rubio and Cruz. [Cut to George W. Bush] Sounds like a Miami law firm. If you’ve been injured on the job, call Rubio and Cruz. These two guys, the sons of immigrants hate immigrants. I for one, like the Mexican people. They are my amigos. Tex-Mex is my favorite kind of food. I enjoy the slow roasted carnitas and chevys. Laura always orders the baha sampler with blue crab enchiladas. The way I see it, unless you’re name is Running Bear or Chief Two Rivers, we’re all anchor babies. That’s something to think about.

[cheers and applause]

And then you got this knuckle head. [Cut to a picture of Donald Trump yelling at the mic. It looks like he’s gonig to eat the mic.] [Cut to George W. Bush laughing] With a hair and a 100 foot wall. Bring that picture back. [Cut back to the same picture of Donald Trump] [Cut to George W. Bush laughing hard] Whenever I get into a bad mood, I just picture his big fat orange face. I just pissed my pants. And now he says he wants to keep all the Muslims out. Yeah, great idea. That’s impossible to implement and not what this country is about. That’s like saying let’s keep all the leprechauns out. We tried tiny leprechaun internment camps in the late 1920s. And as you all know, it totally back fired. Leprechaun relations has never recovered since. That’s why they are so hard to find. I’m serious, when was the last time you saw a leprechaun? I say no thanks to Donald Trump.

Next. [Cut to picture of Jeb Bush] Jeb, oh boy! [Cut to George W. Bush] Poor Jeb. You gotta admit, it’s a pretty good plot twist that I turned out to be the smart one. I wish you would have asked me about the exclamation point at the end of his name. Look, I don’t like the taste of broccoli. But it doesn’t get any tastier if you call it “Broccoli!” He doesn’t stand a chance in this field. He’s an insider who knows how to govern. The republican voters don’t want that. They want someone who is cuckoo for coco puffs.

Running the government is kind of like driving a school bus. You don’t want a crazy person driving that bus. You want a simple under achieving not very educated but reliable guy behind that wheel. Someone with a steady hand who will be on time and get into one or two but no more than four accidents a year. You already know that someone. That someone is me. I’ll see you in the White House. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Will Ferrell’s Ryan Reynolds Monologue

Will Farrell

Ryan Reynolds

Tracy Morgan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Will Ferrell.

[cheers and applause] [band playing music] [Will Farrell walks in the door and to the stage]

Will Farrell: Thank you, thank you very much. It is so nice to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live.” New York city in the house. Get your hands up. Get your hands up. Is this a thing that people still do? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Like I was saying, it is so great to be back here in studio8-H. I was a cast member for seven years. I cherished every moment that I was here. Really some of the best times that I—I’m sorry. One second. Excuse me. But you look like Ryan Reynolds.

[Cut Ryan Reynolds sitting between the audience.] [cheers and applause]

Ryan Reynolds: Yeah. I get that a lot.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Is it you?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yes, it’s me.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Oh, wow. Okay, cool. Welcome to the show.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Thank you. I’m a big fan.

Will Farrell: Big fan of me?

Ryan Reynolds: Yeah. Oh, okay.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Fine. I didn’t know you were going to be here. Yeah. Okay. So, where were we? I – I can’t believe you’re here. God, Ryan Reynolds is here.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Ryan Reynolds waving] [Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Cool, cool. Okay. Sorry, you good?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yes, I’m good. I’m just here to enjoy the show.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Yes, of course. Anyway, always great to be hack in the new blork. New York. New York. Speaking English much? Got milk? Is it really you?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yes, it’s me.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: And you came to the show because—

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: To see you. Like I said, we’re big fans.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: We’re? Like we? Who’s we?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: My wife and I.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: You mean Blake Lively?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yes.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: And she’s watching, too?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yeah. She’s at home, but yeah.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: And she likes me, too?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Probably more than me.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: [laughing] Okay. That’s not too shabby. Great. Fun. TSA pre check what? Sorry. What am I saying? Okay. So, anyway, I was saying New York city in the house. I have never gotten that phrase, “In the house.” Like, all of New York city could, you know, fit into one house. Imagine the line for the bathroom.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Will? You’ve got to stop looking at me, okay?

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Oh, am I? Am I? Is it too much?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Yeah, it’s—It’s a little much. Yeah.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Backstreet’s back all right. What? Why would I say that? Why? Why would I say that in front of Ryan Reynolds. You would never mess up like that, would you?

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Can you just pretend I’m not here?

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: No way. It’s too late. I’m locked in. It’s like the rest of the audience has disappeared.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Will, just do the monologue.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: No, the monologue is terrible. But you know what’s not terrible? Ryan Reynolds. Yeah! Ryan Reynolds. He took ‘Deadpool” from scrap heap and turned it into box office gold.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: Are you impersonating Tracy Morgan?

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Whenever I get nervous, I go into Tracy Morgan. In fact, I delivered my wedding vows in his voice. I was so nervous. It was a big day.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: No, no, no, no, no. Don’t do that.

[Cut to Will Farrell]

Will Farrell: Will Farrell can do whatever he wants.

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: I just wanted to enjoy the show. Please stop addressing me.

[Cut to Will Farrell. Tracy Morgan walks in.]

Tracy Morgan: Ryan Reynolds, you listen to me. The prophecy must be fulfilled. This is Will Ferrell. Ferrell. He can do what he wants to do. I suckled from his comedy bosom. And like a young Luke Skywalker, he filled me with strength. The rest is as they say, “It’s puppy dogs and gum drops.”

[Cut to Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds: What’s happening?

[Cut to Will Farrell and Tracy Morgan]

Will Farrell: The prophecy! Oh, my goodness, thank you, Tracy! I feel so much better.

Tracy Morgan: Anything for you, Farrell. If you talk like me again, I’m going to bust your ass.

Will Farrell: As you should. Yes, yes! We’ve got a great show for you tonight. King Princess is here. So, don’t go away.

Both: Backstreet’s back all right!