Will Ferrell First Time Monologue

Will Farrell

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Will Farrell.

[Will Farrell walks in and to the stage. His forehead is bleeding.] [cheers and applause]

Will Farrell: Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my god. Hello. Oh, wow! Look at this. My name is Will Farrell. Yes, I can’t believe this is happening. I have dreamt of standing on this stage my whole life. I’m sorry, I’m getting emotional. I mean, me, Will Farrell? On Saturday Night Live? What? Wow! It’s been a wile week. Monday, I met with the writers. Wednesday was the table read. And just now, I while I was doing my quick change back there, I hit my head on a steel beam so hard, I heard a crack. And then a whoosh of wind. And after that, I can’t remember a thing. Except that I was going to sing.

[music playing] [singing] I think I’m gonna like it here
used two room, and a tomb
where I’d sit and freeze
get me now, holy cow
won’t someone pinch me please?


I wanna see everything. What do you say we go on a tour around the studio? Do you want to? Do you want to ? [cheers]  Come on! Let’s go. [Will Farrell jumps off the stage] I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m suddenly very tired. I can’t walk. I can’t see either. Why is my head wet?

[Will Farrell walks to the audience.]

Sir, how are you? [while Will Farrell touches the audience, he rubs all his head’s blood on him.] That’s great. I need to sit.

[Will Farrell pushes the audience away and takes his seat] [singing] Used two room, in a room

where I room the room
do you know, party dough,
hiddy ho, where you are?

[Will Farrell sleeps for a second and wakes up]

Is the show over? How were the reviews? What did vulture.com say? Huh? Tell me. Someone tell me.

[singing] You’re gonna like the way you look
I guarantee it.

Female Audience: Dude, you need to go to the hospital.

Will Farrell: [pointing at her] Lorne Michaels, everyone. The rudest man in show business. You know you are. Now, someone wrestle me.

[Kenan Thompson and Cecily Strong walk in to take him to the stage]

The two of you?

Kenan: Okay. Okay. No, no, no.

Cecily: It’s alright.

Kenan: Let’s just go up there.

[They reach the stage]

Will Farrell: Oh, oh. Is it time to introduce the musical guest? Right. Ladies and gentlemen, Match Box 20.

Cecily: No, no, no, no.

Kenan: No.

Cecily: Finish the monologue

Will Farrell: You guys do too many song monologues, you know what?

Cecily: We know.

Kenan: That we know. Okay. Come on.

[they receive a hospital bed]

Kenan and Cecily: [singing] We have but one request

[Will Farrell lays on the bed]

Please put us to the rest

we think you’re gonna like it here.

Will Farrell: [laying on the bed] We’ve got a great show. Chris Stapleton is here.

Kenan: Yeah.

Will Farrell: And Nelly Furtado.

Kenan: No.

Will Farrell: So stick around. We’ll be right back.

The House with Will Ferrell

Bryan… Beck Bennett

Brad… Will Farrell

David… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Bryan and Brad playing cards in their house]

Bryan: I won. Thanks for teaching me how to play cards.

Brad: It’s one of my favorite games.

[Bryan looks at his watch]

Bryan: Oh, wow! It’s almost time for movie night. I’m gonna get in something more comfortable since we’ll be lounging around.

Brad: Sweet.

[Bryan and Brad hug and Bryan walks away.] [David slowly walks in]

David: Hey, Brad. Playing cards?

Brad: Yeah.

David: Well, we should get going soon if we’re gonna catch a movie at the theater for movie night.

[Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: Say what? David thinks we’re gonna watch a movie at the theaters. Bryan and I though we’re gonna watch one at the house. This could be drama, people.

[Cut to Brad in the hosue]

Brad: Dude, can we talk?

David: Um, sure.

[Cut to David narrating]

David narrating: Talk? I need answers. Like, yesterday.

[Cut to Brad and David]

Brad: It’s about movie night.

[David takes a seat]

David: Alright. What about it?

Brad: It’s just that Bryan and I thought we’d watch a movie here.

[David gets disappointed] [Cut to David narrating]

David narrating: Como se di’ se, what the hell?

[Cut to Brad and David]

David: But I bought us these tickets. [showing three tickets] [Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: I did not see that coming.

[Cut to Brad and David]

Brad: I’m sorry, David. I didn’t know.

David: I think I should leave.

[David stands and starts walking away]

Brad: Wait, David. I think going to the movies… [David turns around] is a great idea. Thanks for buying the tickets.

[Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: Yes! Movie night is back on. David is one of my favorite guys in the house. I can’t wait to get to know him more.

[Cut to Brad and David]

Brad: Do you know how to play cards?

David: No.

Brad: Let me teach you.

[Brad starts teaching David how to play cards. Bryan walks in with a bowl full of pop-corn.]

Bryan: It’s movie time. [Bryan looks at Brad and David] Wait, David. Why are you wearing a jacket?

[Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, folks. This could get bumpy.

[Cut to the house]

Brad: Byna, I think we need to talk.

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Okay. Let’s back it up here. Is anyone gonna tell me what the hell is happening right now?

[Cut to the house]

Brad: I wanna tell you what’s happening right now. Something happened earlier that you should know about.

[Cut to flashbacks of the conversation Brad and David had when Bryan was not there.] [Cut to the house]

Bryan: Wait. We’re going to the movies? But I’m wearing shorts.

[David stands]

David: And that’s why, we need to talk.

[Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: And we have lift off.

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Okay. Looks like the specials today are drama, drama, and more drama.

[Cut to Tracy Morgan narrating]

Tracy Morgan: You gotta remember, I’m still taking my nap.

[Cut to the house]

David: The reason I wanted to talk to you is I wanna know if you put on some pants and go to the movie theater with us.

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Yup, this is officially my life.

[Cut to the house]

Bryan: The answer to your question is… [Bryan and David looking at each other] No. Because I’m fine being a little chilly in the theater.

[happy song playing. They all hug it out.]

Female voice: Coming up on The House, Sonoma, season seven… ty five hundred… thousand.

[Cut to Brad opening the door to go to the movies. There is a woman and a boy outside of the door.]

Woman: Are you Brad Clay?

Brad: Yeah.

Woman: This is your son.

[Cut to Brad narrating]

Brad narrating: Survey says, drama!

[Cut to a dog narrating] [dog is barking. The subtitle says “Just what I needed, more drama…”.]

Boy: Hi.

[Cut to Boy narrating]

Boy narrating: Holy fuc**.

Party Song

Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Mr. B… Will Ferrell

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Aidy at the door talking to her kids]

Aidy: Your dad and I will be back on Sunday. Remember, no parties.

Kids: We promise!

[horn honking]

Aidy: Damn it, Ronald. I’m coming.

[Cut to Jack and Cecily]

Both: It’s on!

[Music video starts]

Cecily: Whip out the phone starts sending texts

our parents are gone you know what happens next

Jack: Having a party should be cool

[door bell ringing]

Cecily: Who’s here?

Jack: The entire school

[everybody are getting in the house]

Jack: Everybody came the jocks and the geeks

popular girls the goths and the freaks

Cecily: Class clown crushing beer

Jack: He is losing

Cecily: Nerds playing beer pong

Jack: He is losing

Cecily: The quarterback’s here that’s hella lit

glad you came through

Alex: Party’s legit!

Cecily: Stoner kids rolling up a stick as blunt

Jack: Sitting on the couch is my AP English teacher?

[Cut to AP English teacher on the couch with a drink]

Cecily: Cause we’re having a pa-a-arty

hella fun


why’d your teacher come?


it’s kind of weird right?

party at my house tonight

party popping up that’s how it goes

Jack: through Mr. B’s looking at my family photos

nursing a beer as he tours my home

Mr. B: Hey Jack, was this taken in Rome?

Jack: Yo, sis, Mr. B came

Cecily: I know he did. Why is he here? He’s got a wife and a kid

Jack: Is he creeping on girls?

Cecily: No he’s being polite.

Jack: Then why the is he here?

Cecily: Just chill, all right?

he ain’t doing no harm don’t pay him attention

Jack: It’s just weird that he’s here watching Shawshank Redemption

Mr. B.: Andy Dufresne.

Jack: Midnight comes and the party’s still packed

cute Sophomore says–

Chloe: There you are Jack,

want to chill in your room? Party’s kind of loud

Jack: Mr. B’s with the vape rats

Mr. B.: Yeah, great cloud

Chloe: Show me your room

Jack: Yo, he’s drinking a bunch

Mr. B.: The cloud smells amazing

is that captain crunch?

Cecily: Mr. B’s having the time of his life

Jack: ‘Til he gets a call, must be his wife

Cecily: He ignores the call, stares off into space

twirls his wedding ring, black look on his face

Jack: He’s going through some stuff

Cecily: Mid life crisis?

Jack: Nah! Deeper than that.

Cecily: It’s none of our business

cause we’re having a pa-a-arty

giving into me


looking at himself


who have I become?

party at my house tonight

Jack: 3 am. Night’s coming to an end

Cecily: time to say good-bye to all our friends

Alex: Party was epic

Chris: Party’s the best

Chloe: Maybe check on Mr. B though

Jack: He hasn’t left?

[Cut to Mr. B. drinking on alone.]

heading home Mr. B?

Mr. B.: Hey there Zack

God I miss high school wish I could go back

Jack: Ha-ha, that’s cool.

Cecily: Can we call you a lyft?

Mr. B.: It goes by fast, cherish it.

Jack: Well, you should probably roll if you know what I mean

Mr. B.: I’d kill my own mother for a time machine

Cecily: Okay, well–

Mr. B.: Promise me guys you’ll just be alive.

While you’re young and alive.

Jack: Right.

Mr. B.: Sleep with everyone.

You’re only young once. Make it fun. [Mr. B. opens another can]

Cecily: Oh, you’re having one more?

Mr. B.: Yeah. [finishes the drink in one shot] Great party.

Jack: Hold up, Mr. B, are you good to drive?

Mr. B.: Not even close, but I got a ride.

[Mr. B. opens the door. His wife is outside.]

Mrs. B.: It is 3 in the morning, Richard.

Mr. B.: I’m sorry.

Mrs. B.: What is going on with you lately?

Mr. B.: I don’t know, okay?

Cecily: Party at my house tonight.

Cut for Time: Harry Styles Sketch

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

English Kevin… Will Ferrell

[Starts with SNL stage]

Announcer: Last week’s episode featured host and musical guest Harry Styles. As usual, there were several sketches cut for time, including one scene that was particularly heartbreaking because only Harry Styles could have played the part. Or so we thought. Will Ferrell, always competitive, said, “If Harry Styles can do it, so can I. After all, I was doing sketch comedy when Harry was just a fetus in his mom’s butt.” Thus, the sketch was rescued and given a second life. This… is that sketch.

[Cut to three girls talking in a school canteen]

Aidy: Hey, girlfriends. Did you hear about this new hottie boom-body who transferred to our school from England?

Cecily: Wow, a hot English teen? Sign me up.

Kate: Sign me up as well. If he’s half as hot and teenage as you say he is, I’m going to be sliding right off this small chair.

Aidy: Oh, trust me. He is. His body is smooth and young like a baby seal, but with abs.

Cecily: But, can he sing? I need a boy who can sing.

Kate: Yeah, and if he sings, he better dance too.

Aidy: Girlfriends, you are in luck. He sings like an angel and he dances like the devil himself.

Kate: Oh-oh! Clean up on aisle my pants.

Aidy: Shh! Girlfriends, here he comes.

[music playing] [English Kevin walks in]

English Kevin: Hello, hey. It’s me, the new kid.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: Oh, my god. He’s the ultimate dream machine.

Kate: You weren’t kidding about his body.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Who, me? Don’t look at me. I’m shy.

[Cut to the three girls]

Aidy: I can’t believe he’s still in school and not modeling full time.

Kate: Wait, someone say something before I get pregnant just looking at him.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Hey, what’s your name?

English Kevin: English Kevin. I’m from London. England that is.

Kate: I love exotic men.

Cecily: I know, his hot English accent is driving me crazy.

Aidy: Okay, quick, say, “Fancy a cup of tea my sweet.”

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Fancy a tea of sweet you cup?

[Cut to the three girls]

Kate: Wow, sexy and smart.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Um, this many.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: I think he means 17.

Kate: Wow, which means he’s legal. Okay, jackpot!

[Cut to English Kevin licking ice-cream]

English Kevin: Don’t look at me. Let me eat my soft, soft ice-cream.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: Ooh! Ooh! That’s good.

Aidy: Yeah, very hot! And good.

Kate: Is Gwyneth Paltrow operating a website in my pants? Because they’re full of goop.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Oops! Did I make a little mess?

[Cut to the three girls]

Aidy: Um, and I love all his sexy tattoos. Tell us about them English Kevin.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: This one’s a dolphin which is a friendly shark. This one’s a horse with a sword on his head. These are extinct except in my dreams. And this is a Chinese character meaning tattoo.

[Cut to the three girls]

Aidy: Wow, are we at a sea food restaurant? Because I’ve got a steamed clam.

Kate: English Kevin, will you do a cool skateboard trick for us?

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Um, I don’t think I should because English Kevin just had knee surgery. And his kids– I mean friends are worried about him.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: Ooh! Is that a text message from one of your thousands of girlfriends?

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Nope. That’s just a reminder for English Kevin to take his lip to talk.

[Cut to the three girls]

Kate: Then, sing us a song and do us a dance.

Cecily: Yeah, we know you have something prepared.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Yeah, sure. I’m just having a little trouble breathing because my hip clothes are so tight. But, here it goes. Two, three, four.

[Cut to everybody] [dancing and singing horribly]

Baby you light up my world like nobody else

The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell
You don’t know, oh oh
You don’t know you’re beautiful

[English Kevin jumps and tears his pants]

Ah! My fashion jeans! Oh! F-ing S-word! You all see my D-word, and my B-spot!

[Cut to the three girls pretending they’re closing their eyes]

Aidy: Oh, but don’ worry. We won’t look.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Please, nobody look at my D-word. I brought it from England with me. And I call it Big-Ben.

[Cut to the three girls]

Aidy: Oh! Because it’s big like the clock tower?

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: No, because it’s pretty messed up like Ben Roethlisberger.

[Cut to the three girls]

Cecily: English Kevin, I think you’re gonna fit in just fine just around here.

[Cut to English Kevin]

English Kevin: Cheeky! But seriously, this is Will talking. I need help getting up and my thing is out.

2020 Democratic Debate

Rachel Maddow… Melissa Villaseñor

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Joe Biden… Woody Harrelson

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Tom Steyer… Will Ferrell

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Tulsi Gabbard… Cecily Strong

[Starts with MSNBC intro]

Announcer: And now MSNBC’s special coverage of the democratic debate.

[Cut to the MSNBC debate set] [Cheers and applause] [Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Hello. I am Rachel Maddow and we are live from Tyler Perry studios in Atlanta. So, hello and good afternoon. I want to start the debate with the question on everyone’s mind—who can beat Donald Trump?

[Cut to the people competing]

Elizabeth Warren: Me, me, me. My hand—my hand went up first.

[Cut to Rachel Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: That’s not how it works, but go ahead.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Right, right, right. Look, I know in past debates, I’ve been accused of being overambitious, right? I’ve got mom hosting thanksgiving energy. I’m a little overwhelmed ‘cause I thought ten people were coming and now there’s 30 million. But I promise dinner will be ready if you just get out of the kitchen and stop asking questions. And of course, this thanksgiving I will be cooking my specialty. Maybe don’t say it. The food of my ancestors. Should I say it? I’m going to say it—Maize.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, that’s a good one, Liz.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Sounds like you’re in a good mood tonight, senator Harris.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I am. I am. The fun is back, baby. America’s fun aunt. I’m also America’s cool aunt. The C—you know what? Let’s not do that. Tonight, I’m not going to worry about the polling numbers. I’m just going to have fun and see if I can get some viral moments. Mama needs a ‘gif’. Gonna tell my kids this is Michelle Obama. [Cut to a twitter meme] [Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mayor Pete, you’re looking adorable tonight in your little suit.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Thank you. Thank you. It’s from my first communion.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: You’re polling at zero with black voters. Any idea why?

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Maybe just because of like this.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders, you’re looking—

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cheers and applause] I want to begin by thanking you all for the well wishes. I did have a heart attack-ack-ack-ack. So, you ought to know by now, I’m doing better than ever. Doctors were surprised I made it. And I’m very proud of the fact that I was the first heart attack patient to show up in the emergency room in a city bus.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Let’s go now to senator Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar] [Cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: Thank you Rachel. I know some of you think I’m shaking because I’m nervous, but that’s just my signature quivering bang. It’s my spidey sense that tingles whenever we need a moderate to say, “Girl, we can’t pay for that.”

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Vice president Biden, you’re flashing your teeth at me?

[Cut to Joe Biden] [Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: I just want everyone to know America, I see you. And I see the faces you all make when I talk. You’re scared. Scared I’ll say something off-color or even worse—on color. What I want you to know is you should be scared because I’m always one second away from calling Cory Booker ‘Barack’.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: Okay, I’d like to respond, but first because this is the only time I’ll be talking I just want to say black church, barber shops, greens, beans, tomatoes, potatoes. Now to vice president Biden, I was stunned to hear you don’t support the legalization of marijuana. In fact, rehearsed joke, I thought you were high when you said it.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Let me tell you a story from my youth, or maybe from a movie or a cartoon. It was with a buddy of mine who got so whacked on the sticky-icky kush, he says, “I’ve a great idea. We ought to go to white castle.” Next thing you know, Kumar and I are driving around high as kites with Neil Patrick Harris and that’s before he was gay. That’s why I never puffed the stuff.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Andrew Yang who I can tell is already mad he hasn’t talked yet.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: No, not at all. It’s me Andrew Yang. I want to say what up to my yang gang? Hey, what do you say we get a yang gang bang going, huh? I want to take this opportunity to announce my VP, the new Tesla cyber truck.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Tom Steyer.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Hi, guys. I’m billionaire Tom Steyer. And I’m running for president for a simple reason—it’s fun. And it gets me out of the house.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: I’m sorry, Mr. Steyer. My producers are telling me you have to blink.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I have to do what?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Blink. You have to blink at some point.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Oh, no, I do not. And I will not.

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Did somebody say billionaire?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: No. Mayor Bloomberg, how did you get in here?

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I tipped the doorman $30 million.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Does this mean you are officially running for president?

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. I’d be heard to beat. I’d love to see Trump supporters come up with a conspiracy theory  about a Jewish billionaire with his own media company. Good luck making that stick.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: And let’s introduce underdog candidate and tonight’s villain, Tulsi Gabbard.

[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]

Tulsi Gabbard: Thank you, Rachel. What an honor it is to be on this stage with my fellow candidates. I want you to know that I smell your fear and it makes me stronger. I’m wearing the white suit of your fallen hero Hillary Clinton. Now fight me, cowards.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Harris, would you like to respond?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Tulsi, I’m going to be real with you. You scare the hell our of me. You just gave me Ermahgerd, Gersbermps. [Posing for a meme] [Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Our next question is for senator Klobuchar. Do you think you can get the funding to stay in this race?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: I know I can. I’ve got $17,000 from ex-boyfriends. All I had to do was threaten to come back in their lives.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. That brings us to tonight’s next topic which is health care.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders presses the buzzer first. Elizabeth Warren is trying the buzzer more than one time.] [Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. I don’t know how you got buzzers, but Bernie rang in first.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Here’s my plan for health care. No co-pay. No out of pocket. The only thing that comes out of my pockets are tissues, receipts, loose cough drops, a movie stub for ‘Florence Foster Jenkins’ which is so-so. And of course, the little button in the baggie that comes with the pants. Most people throw it out. Do yourself a favor. Hold onto it. You never know.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, you look like you have something to say.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I want to speak directly to you, America. [Tom Steyer starts walking towards the camera] Health care is important, but housing affects everything.—where you sleep, where you shop, where you get your shoes shined, where you buy jewels, where you raise peacocks. Am I relatable?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, I’m gonna need you to take a step back.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Sorry. Am I too close?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Did somebody say too close? Brother, like your style. Look, I’m supported by that same coalition that elected Obama. Blafrican Americans. Even the Mexitinos and the Chorientals. Heck, the only black woman ever elected to the senate endorsed me.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Excuse me? No, no, Joe. There have been two black women elected to the senate and that second black woman— it me.

[Cut to a tiktok video where Kamala Harris is doing her dance] [Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Is there still time for me to come in late and ruin everything?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: No. We have to move on to closing statements.

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Wait, I need to quickly throw in some Spanish, because Miguel Bloomberg is En Guego.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. That counts as good-bye for you. We’ll now move on to Mayor Buttigieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: America, I know I can do this because my supporters are a diverse coalition from young to old, gay to straight, white to eggshell. Thank you.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Tulsi Gabbard, time for your closing statement.

[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]

Tulsi Gabbard: I have no interest in those Dalmatian puppies. [laughing evilly] I yield my time.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Klobuchar?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Look, I could say a lot about the issues we have talked about tonight, but the sad thing is you’re not listening to a word I’m saying because you’re just watching my hair dance on my forehead. Excuse me, my eyes are down here, not up here.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Warren that brings us to you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Hey, hey, here’s the thing, guys. It’s November and it’s cussing season. You’re single in your late 30s and I’m a solid option. If it’s Marry, “F”, kill I’m aware I’m not the “F”, but I’m definitely not the kill. So come on, America, put a ring on it.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: As many of you know, a lot of my opponents like to throw the word “Socialist” around for me. But let me ask you, is it fair that only the top 2% often get a free Biscotti with their coffee? We would all love a free Biscotti. You dip it. You dunk it and it’s delicious. So, if it’s socialism, sign me up. Tell me this. Is it fair that when the top 2% want to turn off the lights in their bedroom all they have to do is clap? They’ve got the clappers. Shouldn’t we all have clappers? Either everybody has a clapper or nobody has a clapper, and that’s the America I want to live in.

[Cheers and applause] [Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Vice president Joe Biden?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: The hearings have made it clear. That Donald Trump doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Vladimir Putin doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Nobody in America wants me to be the nominee. But I am confident I can win the election in 2016.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: And senator Harris, your closing statement?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: The democratic party needs to stop taking black women for granted, specifically one black woman—me. I mean ,come on. You said you would vote for me. [Poses for a meme] [Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Well, that’s all the time we have. Tom, take us out.

[Cut to the speakers]

Tom Steyer: [High-fiving everyone] Good game, good game. Good game, good game.