Tag: Will Forte

Threesome

Tracy… Heidi Gadner

Tate… Mikey Day

Gannon… Will Forte

Tracy: Deluxe suite at the Radisson with a city view, not parking lot. Korbel champagne. You spoil me, Tate.

Tate: anything for my birthday girl. And I do mean anything.

Tracy: And the comments return.

Tate:  I’m sorry, my wife asked for a threesome with a random guy on line for her birthday. I think I have a right to make a comment or two.

Tracy: Honey, Gannon is not a random guy online. He’s an experienced third. And I thought you were okay with it.

Tate: I am. I am. I want you to be happy. I guess I’m just nervous.

Tracy: Don’t be. [knocking on the door] He’s here. Okay, now stop worrying and concentrate on making tonight beautiful.

[Tracy opens the door. Gannon walks in.]

Gannon: Hey, I’m Gannon and I’m here to have sex with you.

Tracy: Yes. Hi, I’m Tracy and this is my husband Tate.

Gannon: Hey there, Taint.

Tate: My name is Tate, not taint.

Gannon: Good. I was gonna say that’s a bad name. So look, I know it’s your first time doing this, but there’s nothing to worry about. My goal is to make sure everyone has a nice fulfilling experience. But safety first. Now, let’s see if this bed can handle the motion.

[Gannon walks to the bed slowly. Then he starts shaking the bed very roughly.]

Yeah, yeah, it’s not bad. It’s gonna work. Alright, well, let me get my Cialis here. Three pills has to do it.

Tracy: Oh, three? Wow.

Gannon: By the way, I find a threesome with a married couple works best is when the wife and I go about the night as if it’s just us. You know, it’s on the husband to figure out when and how to join in.

Tracy: Oh! That’s smart. So it’s not chaos. Feeling better now?

Tate: No. I’m not. What does that mean? Exactly?

Gannon: It means that if your wife and I have a good rhythm going, don’t crowbar yourself in, you know? Remember it’s a three way, not me way.

Tracy: Wow. Yeah. That is such a good way to put it. Did you make that up?

Gannon: I did. Yeah. Now heads up, Taint. The more heated I get, the harder it will be for you to get in there. This dog gets greedy with his treats.

Tate: Okay, you called me Taint again. It’s Tate. And just so I’m clear, the game plan for tonight is you’re going to make love to my wife and fight me off the whole time?

Gannon: What? No. Okay. Let me show you what I’m talking about. Okay. Alright. Okay, let’s say me and your gorgeous wife are on the bed here doing our thing. [Gannon gets on the bed and starts doing his thing with the pillow] This pillow is your wife, okay?

Tate: I understand. I understand. Geez.

Gannon: Alright. Now, try to join.

Tate: Try to join in?

Gannon: Yeah.

Tate: Alright.

[Tate gets into the bed]

Gannon: [hitting Tate with the pillow] Get out of here.

Tate: Dude! What? You’re gonna hit me with my own wife?

Gannon: If I have to, yeah. Okay, look bud. You want to save the Shire? You got to get through Mordor first.

Tracy: Yes, that’s what I’d like to see tonight. My man fighting for me. God, I am so happy right.

Gannon: Now, I mentioned in my email. I’m a sweater.

Tate: Oh, yes. We have everything you asked for. 11 Full Size bath towels, 25 lemon lime power aids and a tarp to put on over the bed.

Gannon: The tarp is optional, but again, you will not believe how much I sweat. Okay, speaking of, Taint, during some of your downtime, I might call for a towel. Okay? Go ahead and grab a freshie and get my back a pat down. Then get the hell out of there.

Tate: Excellent. So I’m a towel boy now.

Gannon: Towen man. Don’t sell yourself short. Okay, last thing. Taint, just throw this mask on.

Tate: What is this?

Gannon: Well, I don’t like seeing the dude’s face when I’m doing my thing. [Tate puts on the mask] Now, it’s like you’re not even here.

Tracy: I love that. So, should we start?

Gannon: Hell yeah. Okay, I’m just gonna pop in at the bathroom. Work through a minor Cialis heart attack real quick.

Tate: Okay, so maybe my wife and I will get started while you’re gone.

Gannon: Don’t you dare!

MacGruber Coronavirus

Piper… Ryan Phillippe

Vicki… Kristen Wiig

MacGruber… Will Forte

[Starts with the show intro]

[rock music]

Song: MacGruber, making life saving inventions out of household materials
MacGruber, getting in and out of ultra sticky situations
MacGruber, The Guy’s a friggin genius
MACGRUBER!

[Cut to Federal Reserve Bank. Emergency siren is on.]

Piper: Dammit! The store is pressure sealed. We’re not going anywhere.

Vicki: MacGruber, if we don’t dismantle this C4 for explosive, [there’s a huge bomb] this whole building is gonna blow sky high. 60 seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry gang. We can do this if we work together as a team. And look I know this whole COVID situation has really changed the game. So, we got to be smart about this, okay? We’re in a small room with very limited airflow.

Piper: Good call.

Vicki: Yeah, great thinking, MacGruber.

MacGruber: Okay, Vicki, pass me that old coffee can.

Vicki: You got it, MacGruber.

MacGruber: Pipe, that liner glue.

Piper: Coming at you, Grubs.

MacGruber: Now both of you, hand me your masks.

Vicki: What?

MacGruber: No time to explain. Masks, now!

[MacGruber puts Piper’s, Vicki’s and his masks in the can and burns them]

Vicki: MacGruber, what are you doing?

MacGruber: Freeing us from tyranny, Vic. You’re welcome.

Vicki: What? I really want to wear that mask.

Piper: Yeah. You just said yourself that we’re in a small enclosed room.

MacGruber: Yeah, so we need every drop of oxygen we can get which is impossible with these stupid face diapers. I can finally breathe.

[takes a long breath. Piper and Vicki cover their faces with their hands.]

Vicki: Hey, gotta say I’m a little uncomfortable with this.

MacGruber: Don’t worry, Vic. I’m vaxed and relaxed. Here’s proof.

[MacGruber passes Vicki a piece of paper. It’s handwritten by himself and Pfizer is spelled wrong as “Fizer”.]

Vicki: I think there’s a P missing at the beginning of Pfizer.

Piper: You got vaccinated at a sizzler?

MacGruber: I sure did Piper. And Vicki if there was a P in front of Pfizer, it’d be pronounced Pa-fizer. But nice try.

Piper: Just admit you’re not vaccinate.

MacGruber:  Okay, fine you freakin Karens. I’m not getting that stupid shot, alright? ‘Cause I don’t want the government putting a tracking device on my scrotum.

Vicki: Ew!

Piper: MacGruber, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about?

MacGruber: Yeah, I don’t need to know what I’m talking about, Piper, because I have a brain. but since sheeple are so freaked out, let me assure you I’m totally anti-semitic.

Vicki: Sorry, I’m not sure we heard you right.

MacGruber: I don’t have any symptoms.

Piper: I think the word you’re looking for is asymptomatic.

MacGruber: Yeah, that’s what I said.

Vicki: No, it’s not.

MacGruber: No. I definitely said I’m anti semitic.

Piper: Yeah, you did.

MacGruber: So, what’s the issue here?

Vicki: MacGruber, 10 seconds.

MacGruber: Look, we may not all agree on this hoax vaccine, but one thing we can all agree on is that I do know how to defuse bombs.

Vicki: One second, MacGruber.

MacGruber: Okay, Piper, hand me–

[the bomb explodes]

Song: MacGruber!
MacGruber, he did a lot of reading and he’s got a new album
MacGruber, he realized there was more than just one side of this issue
MacGruber, he’s following the science now
MACGRUBER!

[Cut to Chemical Weapons Factory. Emergency siren is on. It’s similar situation like before.]

Piper: Shoot! This vault door is welded shut. There’s no way out.

Vicki: And from the looks of that dynamite bomb, we’ve only got 60 seconds before this whole place is blown to Betsy.

MacGruber: Not a problem gang. [he’s wearing a mask, but he has cut opened the mouth and nose part.] We got this and don’t worry, after the last mission, I heard your concerns and now I’m following all the protocols.

Vicki: Well, MacGruber, there’s a big hole on your mask.

MacGruber: Yeah, so don’t suffocate from all the carbo dockside. Duh! Look, there’s no reason to be scared. I’m gonna be fine. I’ve done a ton of research and I’m following the science now.

Vicki: That’s good.

MacGruber: Okay, Vicki, pass me that ivermectin.

[Vicki passes him the ivermectin]

Vicki: Okay, here.

MacGruber: Piper that hydroxychloroquine.

[Piper passes him the hydroxychloroquine]

Piper: Here.

[MacGruber takes all the medicine and pills at once]

Vicki: MacGruber, you have COVID?

MacGruber: Hell no.

Vicki: Oh, thank God.

MacGruber: I have COVID Plus. It’s a COVID strain mixed with something else.

Piper: Syphilis?

MacGruber: Oh, you got it. So yeah, COVID, syphilis and I do have an unconnected freestanding herpes in there as well. I also have horse worms. So this ivermectin is pulling double duty.

Piper: You have horse worms?

MacGruber: Oh yeah, bunch of. Check this out. [He pulls out a pile of noodles like thing]

Vicki: Oh, that’s so disgusting.

MacGruber: Relax. It’s just spaghetti. And down here, my jockeys just waiting for the right moment to spring this little joke on ya! Punked! [he eats the spaghetti] A little an dente.

Vicki: So, you don’t have horse worms?

MacGruber: No, I do have horse worms. Oh, look, they’re chopping on the spaghetti. Ha-ha-ha. Leave that alone, you turkeys. That’s my food. I’m not gonna eat this now.

Vicki: MacGruber, the bomb!

MacGruber: Okay, Piper, hand me that toilet paper with Dr. Anthony Fauci face on it.

Piper: Here.

MacGruber: Vicky, hand me that “Let’s go Brandon” t-shirt.

Vicki: Here you go, MacGruber.

MacGruber: It’s so funny, huh? That actually means something else.

Piper: Yeah, we know.

MacGruber: Do you know what it means?

Piper: MacGruber, I feel like you’ve gone down some kind of outright misinformation rabbit hole.

MacGruber: You’re all wrong about that, Karen/ My information is Piper00% non insane. Ever heard of QAnon?

[the bomb explodes]

Song: MacGruber!

MacGruber, he kind of spiraled down on an internet rabbit hole
MacGruber, he lost some friends and family and they staged an intervention
MacGruber, he’s got his act together now
MACGRUBER!

[Cut to Research Facility. Emergency siren is on. It’s similar situation like before.]

Piper: Looks like we’re trapped, MacGruber.

Vicki: And the hydrogen bomb is set to blow in MacGruber0 seconds.

[MacGruber is wearing fur head cover with horns and he has painted his face red, white and blue, like the people from Capitol riot]

MacGruber: So, where was I? Oh, yeah. So, these Hollywood celebrities are eating babies. They devour them. They’re insatiable. Like, the way horse worms eat spaghetti. Raw babies, cooked babies, I’m sure they have a variety of recipes. That’s what’s happening out there and nobody is doing anything about it.

Piper: Can we concentrate on the bomb?

MacGruber: Oh, that’s not a big enough bomb for you to find out that Ellen Pompeo eats babies?

Vicki: I knew it.

Piper: Oh god, you’re so brainwashed.

MacGruber: I’m sorry. In what way?

Piper: Just look at how your dressed!

MacGruber: Oh, forgive me for not shopping at Cheaps-R-Us like you. I’m just your average American who believes in limited government. My body my choice, for men, and suppress voting rights for alternatively skin people. Now, I’m not sure how that makes me brainwashed.

Piper: MacGruber, focus. Please.

MacGruber: You’re right. Okay, Vicki, hand me all the remains of America’s soul. [pointing at an empty chair]

Vicki: What? There’s nothing there.

MacGruber: Welcome to the real world. I’m just a shaman.

Vicki: 15 seconds. All I can do is pray for you, take up arms against you and keep the oath I took to protect this country. Because I am an oath keeper. And boy, am I proud of that. Which I guess makes me a proud boy.

Piper: Do you even understand what you’re saying right now?

MacGruber: Probably not.

Piper: MacGruber, if we don’t deal with this bomb. We are going to explode.

MacGruber: Hoax!

Vicki: Five seconds.

MacGruber: Yeah, according to CNN.

Vicki: Four seconds.

MacGruber: Cancel culture.

Vicki: Three seconds.

MacGruber: Not my clock.

Vicki: Two seconds.

MacGruber: Hollywood elite.

Vicki: One second.

MacGruber: Though I do kind of like some streamers on Peacock.

[The bomb explodes]

Song: MacGruber!

 

Kid Klash

Mark Zazz… Will Forte

Tatum… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Blomps, splats, flizzes and crunchers. You’re watching the coolest gameshow for kids. It’s Kid Klash.

[Cut to Mark Zazz in the show set]

Mark Zazz: Hello. I am Mark Zazz and this is Kid Klash. The game show where kids compete in physical challenges. Now, if you saw last week’s episode, Susie is okay. She’s back home and she’s okay. And we have a brand new Kid Klash contestant ready to go, meet Tatum.

[Tatum walks in. She’s wearing a yellow helmet.]

Tatum: Hey, everyone. I’m the shortest and the slowest one on my basketball team, but here, I’m gonna win. I’m Tatum.

Mark Zazz: Great ‘tude, Tatum. And today’s prize is pizza for life. That’s right. You get to keep this one pizza for your entire life.

Tatum: Oh, I really want that.

Mark Zazz: Alright, let’s take a look at the course. First you’re taking a dive into the whipped cream pie to find the plan.

Tatum: Wow.

Mark Zazz: Then move on to the slippery monkey bars but watch out for hot nacho cheese below.

Tatum: Oh, I hope it’s not too hot.

Mark Zazz: Oh, it is. It is really hot.

Tatum: Okay.

Mark Zazz: Finally, you and your family climb into this giant glass to become a human shrimp cocktail.

Kyle: You can do this!

Heidi: We’re ready to be shrimp with you.

Mark Zazz: Alright, remember, you can’t move on till you find that flag. Ready, set, go.

[Tatum runs runs into the whipped cream to find the flag.]

Tatum, there we go. Tatum is deep in the cream and you’re looking for that flag. Here’s a Kid Klash fact about her. Tatum’s favorite things are spaghetti and beach balls. Alright. Tatum, have you found that flag yet?

Tatum: No. So far, I’m just feeling the cream.

Mark Zazz: Alright, keep looking. And here’s a hint: it’s in there. So, do you not know what a flag is?

Tatum: No, I do.

Mark Zazz: Alright. then try to find it.

Tatum: I am.

Mark Zazz: Alright. Another Kid Klash fact, Tatum was disqualified for the chili cook off at her school for lying. Yeah. Alright, how are you doing, Tatum?

Tatum: The cream is really thick. I’m working pretty hard here.

Mark Zazz: It doesn’t show.

Tatum: Oh my god. Oh my god. I think I found something. It’s some kind of gold medallion.

Mark Zazz: Amazing. But one question for you Tatum. Is a medallion the same as a frickin flag?

Tatum: No. But doesn’t it seem like maybe it’s worth more than a flag?

Mark Zazz: Well, you’re wrong, Tatum. It’s probably leftover from last week’s show.

Tatum: Wait, you don’t change up the cream?

Mark Zazz: I don’t know, Tatum. But your time is up in three, two, one.

Bowen: For Christ sake!

Heidi: That’s okay, honey.

Kyle: Dammit, Tatum!

Tatum: I’m sorry everyone. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t find the flag.

[Tatum is getting out of the whipped cream pie]

Mark Zazz: Where do you think you’re going?

Tatum: Well, I guess to get cleaned up and go back to Indiana.

Mark Zazz: You’re not going anywhere. Not until you find that flag.

Tatum: But the time ended.

Mark Zazz: I didn’t start this game show to encourage children to quit like whiny little babies. Now, I was very clear you get out of the pie when you find the flat.

Tatum: What? Mom!

Heidi: We agree with him, Tatum. She never sees anything through Mr. Zazz.

Tatum: Okay. I’ll keep trying.

[Tatum starts looking for flag inside the whipped cream pie again]

Mark Zazz: Now, Tatum, as I’m sure you know, you and your shrimp family are now ineligible for the pizza for life life.

Tatum: This music is making me feel really bad.

Mark Zazz: Oh wait. And I’m just now remembering the pie was supposed to spin. Can we get that going?

Tatum: What? Please. Does this part have to go on TV?

Mark Zazz: Tatum, you know that it does. How do you think it’s gonna be in the real world?

Tatum: I guess like this.

Mark Zazz: Yeah, that’s right. The whipped cream is adversity and the flag is your unfulfilled potential.

Tatum: Okay. Well, I think I just got my period.

Mark Zazz: Yeah, you’re not the first to do that in there.

Tatum: Wait. Oh my god. Is this it? [showing a tiny little flag]

Mark Zazz: Oh, she found the flag.

Tatum: Why is it so small? And it’s white like the cream. This is really bad game.

Mark Zazz: No, it’s good. And when we return, we’re gonna put the adopted brother on the monkey bar.

[Kyle and Heidi looks at Bowen]

Bowen: I’m adopted?

Mark Zazz: Yes you are. We’ll be right back for more Kid Klash.

Jackie Clancy

Jeyner Keeblerely… Kenan Thompson

Clancy T. Bacharach… Will Forte

Jackie Snad… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Jeyner Keeblerely in a barn]

Jeyner Keeblerely: Hi. I’m legendary country music hit maker Jeyner Keeblerely. And I’m here to give you the best news since last bread was recognized for insignificance. Two of the greatest songsmith in the history of time are back and at it again. That’s right. I’m talking about Clancy T. Bacharach who proved there is a Yahweh with songs like this.

[Cut to Clancy T. Bacharach in the barn]

[music playing]

Clancy T. Bacharach: [singing] Took my toddler at the school
and threw him in the pool
and that’s how we learn to swim
and then a spaceship flew down
and loaned us a towel
and we dried off our soaking bodies

As a show off our gratitude
I gave the aliens a beer jar and food
and a Model T card they belong to my step brother’s life coach

Jeyner Keeblerely: And the woman who put the oo-oo in boot scoot, Jackie Snad.

[Cut to Jackie Snad in the barn]

[music playing]

Jackie Snad: [singing] Took my model-T car to the nearest salad bar
’cause I craved some kale and their kale was on sale
but the salad bar was closed because the space ship exploded
so I drank a jar of beer with a toddler

Jeyner Keeblerely: For years now, these two funky junkie joker monkeys thrilled global audiences with songs about the four things they know best. Spaceships, toddlers, model-T cars and jars of beer. And after a 12 years sabbatical, these two national treasures have decided to once again join forces. I’m sorry. Foin Jorces. No, I was right the first time. They decided to join forces and release a brand spanking new album Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad sing songs about spaceships, toddlers, Model-T cars and jars a beer again, with air caviar like this.

[Cut to Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad in the barn]

[music playing]

Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad: [singing] Oh, toddler did you hear
when I whispered in your ear
about the spaceship that was parked in your yard

Next to a Model-T car and some beer in a jar
but without any gas they couldn’t get too far
so they hitchhiked down the road with a turkey and a toad
and a face full of hope and regret
but then a truck passed by and he ran over those guys
and now the turkey is dead and the toad’s on life support

Jeyner Keeblerely: Oh man. It gives you the shivers, doesn’t it? And an important message sung importantly. You want less? Sorry. Because while there’s more than one way to skin a cat, there’s only one way to put that skin back on. With beautiful music like this little slow jelly.

[Cut to Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad in the barn]

[music playing]

Jackie Snad: [singing] The eyes of God are crying [wailing]
’cause the toddlers have been lying [wailing]

Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad: Oh yes, those little sons of guns have stolen from nuns
who trusted them to guard their model-T cars
and now they’ll meet the wrath of God and burn and toddler hell
unless they call their friends, the aliens to send a ship down
But God will find them there, he’s everywhere, he’s well connected
and then he’ll zapp them with a lightning bolt
and burn them to a crisp and drink a jar of beer
to celebrate the deaths, it’s a cautionary tale
for little naughty toddlers who disrespect nuns,
for they will find themselves
in… toddler hell

[music changes]

toddler hell
toddler hell
toddler hell

Jeyner Keeblerely: Man, oh, man. That song gave me all the feels. Minus a few feels. Plus more feels than a few feels that were subtracted. And if that wasn’t enough eargasm already, check out this reworking of one of their timeless classics which was recently submitted by NASA and Chef Bobby Flay to be the new official song of the National Football League.

[Cut to Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad in the barn]

[music playing]

Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad: [singing] Oh football for your feet and balls combine to make your name
and your field is soaked in urine from incontinent spaceship whoo-hoo
and one day, a toddler will distract you as you hike your little leather ball
and a model-T car will catch a hail Mary from a beer jar
and win the Super Bowl
Oh, football sport, 
Oh, football sport
Oh, football sport
Oh, football sport
Here is your official new football song

[wailing]

Jeyner Keeblerely: That’s right. So, to order, send cash wrapped in napkins to Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad album offer, care of

Jeyner Keeblerely
36 Donkey Donut Court
Pickletits, Delaware, 938273

ESPNs First Take

Molly Qerim… Chloe Fineman

Stephen A. Smith… Chris Redd

Michael Irvin… Kenan Thompson

Todd Levane… Will Forte

Martin Murphy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to Molly Qerim, Stephen A. Smith and Michael Irvin in their show set]

Molly Qerim: Good morning. What’s going on, everyone? Welcome to “First Take”, ESPN’s home for the hottest sports takes. I’m Molly Qerim, and here with me is the always outspoken Stephen A. Smith.

Stephen A. Smith: Molly! It is fantastic to be here! Absolutely fantastic!

Molly Qerim: And our newest cohost, a man who thought the show needed more passionate energy, Dallas Cowboys legend, Michael Irvin.

Michael Irvin: Okay, Molly, Molly. Uh, Molly, Molly. Stephen A. right here. This– You– Stephen A., you wrong, brother! Okay? It is not fantastic to be here. It is a delicious privilege to put on this suit! You understand? To put on this $6000 tie clip, okay? The thickest one ever made. This is here. This–  What? This–  Whoo! This is special.

Molly Qerim: Okay, uh, want to remind you both that it’s 10 AM, okay? And we have 1 hour and 58 minutes to go. Alright. Let’s start with the Sunday playoff game in Tampa, where Tom Brady’s Buccaneers will take on the red hot LA Rams. Guys, the question everybody is asking, is Tom Brady an exceptional quarterback or very exceptional?

Stephen A. Smith: Now, Molly, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I stayed up all night wrestling with it. But today, there is no doubt that Tom Brady is an exceptional quarterback like the great Peyton Manning! And to say anything more would be blasphemy! Period!

Michael Irvin: Excuse me, Stephen A. Tom Brady is very exceptional. Okay? And Peyton Manning? Please! Tom Brady would beat Peyton Manning in a cakewalk. It’d be more than a cakewalk. It would be a cake run.

Stephen A. Smith: Ridiculous.

Michael Irvin: A cake swim and a cake road trip down Highway 95! No man has never, ever seen a cake travel so quickly, period.

Molly Qerim: Okay, guys, people are still letting their coffee kick in, and you already sound like you’ve been hit by a bulldozer of cocaine.

Michael Irvin: Hey. Don’t threaten me with a good time. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Molly Qerim: Okay. To settle this, let’s go to Todd Levane from the fan site Sports Horse. Todd, is Tom Brady exceptional or very exceptional?

Todd Levane: Okay, first of all, everybody, thanks for mounting the Sports Horse. Hold on tight ’cause this bronco bucks. [horse neighs] Okay, Michael, I know you played in the NFL for twelve years. You’re a hall of famer. I just started a website. But you know nothing about football! Thomas Edward Patrick Brady is not exceptional! He’s not very exceptional! He’s clearly very, very exceptional!

Michael Irvin: What? Oh, no, he did not. No, he didn’t.

Todd Levane: Tom Brady plays like he’s always got a chip on his shoulder and his back against the wall, and that’s why he is the supreme dominator of men! He eats planets! And that’s straight from the horse’s mouth! [horse neighs]

Molly Qerim: Okay. Love that passion. But, guys, people have the show on in the background while folding laundry, and you’re scaring them and waking up the baby. Alright, so, let’s talk about it. Does Tom Brady play like his back is against the wall or like there’s a chip on his shoulder?

Stephen A. Smith: Molly, I’ve thought a lot about this question. A lot. I meditated on it. Then I took a monthlong sabbatical! I ate, I prayed, I loved! And then I came back with an answer. And it is indisputable that Tom Brady plays with a chip on his shoulder because when the chips are down, you still got a chip right by your face!

Molly Qerim: Well, to put this in perspective, the Sports Bureau is saying that–

Michael Irvin: M-M-M-Molly, Molly, Molly. Molly. Uh, okay, you the glue, okay, that keeps this show together, but, uh, please shut up. Because I got to scream. Stephen A.! I am not going to sit here and listen to your nonsense! I am going to stand and listen to it while I breathe heavy like a video game character on pause.

Stephen A. Smith: Well, go ahead. All I’m saying…. All I’m saying–

Michael Irvin: Stephen! No! You have offended me as a man. As a father, as a brother, and as a nephew.

Stephen A. Smith: Good.

Michael Irvin: Tom Brady must put his play,  put his– He got to play with his back on the wall! You understand me? That’s open, shut, and locked!

Todd Levane: Yeah, lock it up, Michael! Lock it up and bury it a mile deep in the sea, deep in Davy Jones’ locker, where darkness goes to die! You best start believing in the Sports Horse, Mr. Irvin, ’cause you’re in one! [horse neighs]

Michael Irvin: Thank you, thank you. But Tom Brady has given us more years of quality entertainment than Frank Sinatra himself.

Stephen A. Smith: Oh, my God!

Michael Irvin: What? Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

Stephen A. Smith: Come on! You’re bringing up Frank Sinatra? That is clearly an apples and oranges comparison!

Molly Qerim: Well, and that’s our next big sports question. Guys, apples or oranges?

Stephen A. Smith: Now, Molly, I’ve thought about this question my entire life! I recently had a long heroic battle with COVID. Almost died! I went to the light and I looked at the face of God, and I asked him this very question. Molly, it’s apples.

Michael Irvin: I’m gonna stop you right there, Stephen A. With all due respect, god is wrong. Okay? God does not have this here Super Bowl ring on his finger, so he don’t know the magnificent glory of oranges, alright? Like they say, in America, “It’s as American as orange pie.”

Todd Levane: Oh, please! You’re asking the wrong question! It’s not apples and oranges! It’s asparagus and nickels! End of discussion! Don’t poke the horse! [horse neighs]

Molly Qerim: Well, I am glad we settled that. Still an hour and 55 minutes to go. Alright. Let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll switch gears and talk to the head of NFL’s new anti-bullying charity, time out for kids, Martin Murphy.

Martin Murphy: Hey, guys, thanks. Delighted to be here. And it’s apples. And anyone who disagrees is a disgusting loser and a moron!

Cinema Classics Gaslight

Reese De’What… Kenan Thomspon

Ingrid Bergman… Kate McKinnon

Charles Boyer… Will Forte

Angela Lansbury… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on TBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening, and welcome to Cinema Classics. Hi, I’m Reese De’What. If you’ve heard the phrase ‘gaslighting’, you probably know it means to manipulate someone into believing a false reality. But what you may not know is that the phrase originally comes from the 1944 film “Gaslight”, starring Ingrid Bergman as a woman whose husband makes her believe she’s going insane by slowly dimming the gas fueled lights around her and then denying it. Why does he do this? I do not know. And I’m bad at guessing. When my wife asked me to guess what she was making for dinner, and I said, “I don’t know, a mess?” Worst welcome home from prison ever. Hers. Let’s watch a scene from “Gaslight” now where Charles Boyer as the evil husband tries to make Bergman believe she’s insane.

[Cut to clip from the movie. Ingrid is playing Paula and Charles is playing her husband Gregory.]

Gregory: Paula, I’ve tried so hard to keep the fact that you have lost your mind a secret. But now I’m afraid all of London knows it.

Paula: Gregory, no. I’m not insane. Look, every night the gas lights, they go dimmer.

Gregory: No they don’t.

Paula: They don’t? Well, look. It’s just a tiny flame.

Gregory: Oh, my cuckoo darling. In the week and a half you’ve known me, have I ever lied to you?

Paula: I guess not. But human me. Turn the gas lights up as high as they’ll go. Please, for me.

Gregory: Alright. All the way up. [turns the light off] There you go.

Paula: And that was up? ‘Cause to me that seemed like not up.

Gregory: And I hope you’re happy, our gas bill is going to be insane. Just like your brain. And I’m afraid it’s membranous as well.

Paula: Oh no. I don’t know up from down. The next thing you’ll tell me is that this isn’t a book.

Gregory: No, Paula. That’s a rat.

Paula: It is? I’ve been reading rats all these years? Oh no, am I really that mad? I set a goal for myself a reading a rat a month.

Gregory: Paula, calm yourself and play with the puppy I gave you.

[Gregory gives Paula a rock.]

Paula: Okay.

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Yikes! You know, in my house gaslighting is when I strike a match after my wife blast went out under the blankets. Let’s watch another scene as Gregory drives Paula even further into delusion with the help of a surly maid, played by a Reese De’What8 year old Angela Lansbury.

[Cut to Paula and Gregory dining him their home. Angela Lansbury is playing the maid.]

Gregory: Oh, Gregory. Do you regret marrying a crazy cuckoo bird of a woman who belongs in a hotel for nuts?

Paula: Paula, please stop. Now, just try to enjoy your steak.

Maid: That’s right, mum. Eat your little steak.

[Maid gives Paula a pineapple]

Paula: Dude, I don’t care how crazy I am. This is a pineapple.

Maid: No, mum. It’s the rib, just like the one he’s eating. Dig in.

Paula: Okay, I feel like maybe you’re like, trying to drive me mad.

Gregory: No one is trying to drive you mad. What do you want me to do? [pulls out a book] Swear on this Bible?

Paula: Okay, so now– Okay, so this says “How to gaslight your wife by Gregory”. [That’s the title of that book]

Gregory: Paula, stop. I love you.

Paula: Well, I don’t feel love. You don’t even kiss me anymore.

Gregory: Then kiss you I shall.

[Gregory stands and goes up to Maid and kisses her]

Paula: Okay, yeah, appreciate you kiss her, the Reese De’What8 year old.

Gregory: No, I kissed you. Watch, I’ll do it again.

Paula: No, no. I won’t let you gaslight me any longer. In fact, maybe I’ll gaslight you. That shiny tie you’re wearing, it’s a steak. Ha-ha.

Gregory: It’s a tie.

Paula: Oh, dammit. I guess I’m better at it. Well, at least I know the truth now. I can’t believe you told me it was nine inches and I said oh lucky me.

Gregory: It is!

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Wow. So now we know what gaslighting is. Kinda like when my wife– What? She’s on the phone? Right now? Oh, that’s not good. For Cinema Classics. I have been Reese De’What?

Kristen Wiig’s Thanksgiving Monologue

Kristen Wiig

Steve Martin

Will Forte

Indian… Kyle Mooney

Paul Revere… Alex Moffat

Benjamin Franklyn… Beck Bennett

Sacagawea… Melissa Villaseñor

Viking… Bobby Moynihan

Columbus… Kenan Thompson

Napoleon… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Wiig.

[Kristen Wiig walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow, thank you. Thank you very much. It is so wonderful to be back here hosting SNL for the econd time. But I specially love being here right before Thanksgiving. Yuu might not know this about me, some of you might know, but I am what they call a ‘Thanksgiving freak.’ I am a real turkey head. So tongiht I wanted to sing for you a song my family always sings every year. Can I have my ukulele and a stool please? [She gets a ukulele and a stool] Oh, great. Here we go. Yeah. And I think we can all agree thanksgiving is the most magical Thursday of the year. And– yYou know, I’m actually going to go with my personal guitar, is that here?

[Kristen Wiig gives the ukulele away and gets a rock double neck electric guitar]

My family told me facts about thanksgiving I bet you didn’t even know. By the way, I should mention I was raised by wolves. Um, near wolves. You know, maybe I’ll go back to the first one. Go back? Yeah.

[Kristen Wiig gives the guitar away and gets the ukulele again]

And can I lose the stool? Can you take that? Okay. I’d like to take us back to the first thanksgiving where it all began. In ancient Egypt. You konw what? I was wrong about the ukulele. I’m sorry. Can someone take this? [Kristen Wiig gives away the ukulele] Thank you very much.

[band playing guitar]

[singing] The first thanksgiving was in pyramid rock
The Indians and pilgrims said, “Let’s eat on this rock [an Indian walks in]
Paul Revere said “Dinner’s served, let’s all say grace.” [Paul Revere walks in]
Ben Franklyn brought salad, Paul slapped him in the face [Ben Franklyn walks in with salad, and Paul Revere slaps him]

The pilgrims charged everyone a thanksgiving fee [Sacagawea walks in]
but Sacagawea used her coins and said, “This one’s on me.”

Kristen Wiig:Then vikings showed up on a double decker bus [A Viking walks in]
they said,

Viking: If we don’t eat those turkeys, they’re going to eat us.

[awkward silence]

Kristen Wiig: And that’s why we eat turkey.

It was…

All: …Thanksgiving
The first thanksgiving
they were unforgiving
in their love of stuffing

[Everyone in the stage except Kristen Wiig leaves]

Kristen Wiig: The second thanksgiving was in 1492
there were 10 kinds of meat, like they had murdered a zoo
Columbus was there, he had sailed from Korea [Columbus walks in with Korean flag bandana on] 
with Mina, Pinta, Santa and Maria [They all walk in]

This I know for sure, I told this to Lorne
The second thanksgiving , aliens beamed down the corn. [two aliens walk in with corns in their hands]
The Napoleon showed up, so he brought the ice cream [Napoleon walks in with ice cream in his hand]
strawberry, vanilla and chocolate in between

You see why? Coz pink, white and brown, those are the colors of the French Flag.

All: And that’s thanksgiving
the real thanksgiving
it ain’t city living
unless you live in the city

[Everyone in the stage except Kristen Wiig leaves]

Kristen Wiig: The third thanks giving was in 1953
and people gathered

Steve Martin: [interrupting] Oh, Kristen. Kristen. I am so sorry.

[cheers and applause]

It’s not necessary. But thank you. I just– I really– I just needed to stop you for a second because you have not gotten one fact correct in this song. Not one. You know, and if you don’t get your facts correct, you’re just going to end up like one of those sites on the internet, what is that?

Kristen Wiig: Like, fake news?

Steve Martin: No, I like that. But I- I just worry about your song. You’ve got to get the facts correct, so I’m a little bit worried about.

[Will Forte walks in]

Will Forte: Yeah, you know, I’m worried too. Less applause than Steve Martin. Gonna remember that. Kristen, I was just listening with Steve… Martin, that I just say Steve, we’re friends. And I agree, Kristen. At least two of your facts were wrong.

Kristen Wiig: Guys, I know I adjusted a few facts so they would rhyme, like any true historian. But won’t you both please sing with me? Please?

Will Forte: Ah! I’d be happy to sing with my friend Steve here. Hit it!

[singing] The fourth thanks giving was in 1969 

Steve Martin: The turkey was high and I was high too

Kristen Wiig: FDR was upset he spilled cranberry sauce

Steve Martin: But he had the first napkin, thanks to Betsy Ross.

Kristen Wiig: The three wisemen brought frankincense and pie

Steve Martin: Hey, don’t say the word pie to someone who’s high

Kristen Wiig: Wait, there’s something I just realized while singing this song
thanksgiving never really happened, it was in our hearts all along

All: And that’s, thanksgiving
the real thanksgiving
the perfect history of thanks giving
so have a hippy happy hoppy thanksgiving

We have a great show for you tonight. The XX is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.