Seat Fillers

Will Smith… Chris Redd

Jerrod Carmichael

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with the Oscars intro]
[Cut to Will Smith sitting on a sofa. Jerrod walks to his seat behind Will Smith.]

Jerrod: Oh, no way. Will Smith? Excuse me, Mr. Smith. I know I’m not supposed to talk to you. I’m just the seat filler, but I wanted to say I am a huge fan man.

Will Smith: Thank you, man. That means a lot. Ha-ha.

Jerrod: I love all your movies. Pursuit of Happiness is so inspiring. I just showed it to my son.

Will Smith: I love that. That’s what it’s all about. Ha-ha.

Jerrod: No joke. Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It is still my ringtone to this day.

Will Smith: Ha-ha. That’s hilarious.

Jerrod: Hey, I don’t want to sound corny, but you’re like my hero. Man. This is the coolest night of my life. I mean, I’m talking to Will Smith. Chris Rock just got up on stage. Hey, can I get a selfie real quick?

Will Smith: Of course, yeah.

Chris Rock: Jada, I love you. GI Jane II, can’t wait to see it.

[Jerrod is trying to take a selfie with Will Smith]

Will Smith: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ay, I’ll be right back, man.

[Will Smith walks to the stage. Jerrod is just looking at him. When there’s a smacking sound, Jerrod is shocked.]
[Will Smith walks back and takes the seat]

Will Smith: Ay, so where are you from, man?

[Jerrod is creeped out.]

Jerrod: Nowhere man.

Will Smith: I like your tux, man. By the way, look good feel good, am I right? Ha-ha. [yelling] Keep my wife’s name out your [bleep] mouth. [back to talking to Jerrod] Man, I love the Oscars, man. I love movies, man. I just saw Padding II. Honestly, best movie I ever see. I love that little bear man. One second. [yelling] Keep my wife’s name out your [bleep] mouth. [back to talking to Jerrod] So, how about that selfie, man? Come on.

Jerrod: Nah, that’s okay.

Will Smith: Ah, come on, man. Let’s do it.

Jerrod: No, I deleted my phone.

Will Smith: Alright. Well, enjoy the show, man.

[Kyle walks back to his seat next to Jerrod]

Kyle: Bathroom like is crazy. What did I miss? Oh my god, we’re right next to Will Smith? I’m gonna tweet this. And he is trending. [reads the tweets] Oh my god.

Will Smith: [talking to Kyle] Hey, nice to meet you man. I’m Will. What’s your name?

Kyle: I don’t– They didn’t give me one.

Will Smith: Oh, that’s weird. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Amy Schumer is being hilarious, right? Ay, who is your favorite comedian?

Jerrod: Chris– No one.

Will Smith: What?

Jerrod: I don’t think anything is funny.

Will Smith: [pointing at Kyle] What about you? Favorite comedian, man?

Kyle: Dori?

Will Smith: Who?

Kyle: Finding Dori.

Will Smith: Your favorite comedian is Finding Dori? Well, she is a funny fish, man. [yelling] Richard Williams was a fierce protector of his family.

Kyle: Okay.

Will Smith: I’m gonna say that in my speech, man.

Jerrod: Okay.

Will Smith: Okay, what else should I say?

Kyle: Love makes you do crazy things.

Will Smith: What was that?

Kyle: Love makes you do crazy things.

Will Smith: That’s good. I’ma use that. I’ma credit you.

Kyle: Please don’t.

Will Smith: Man, the last couple of years have been crazy. You know? With covid, zoom, [cracking voice] the red table talk. Y’all ever see the red table talk?

Jerrod: Nah, I’ve never heard of it.

Kyle: I haven’t seen anything.

[Jerrod’s phone rings. Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It is actually his ringtone.]

Will Smith: Ay! Don’t answer that, man. Let it ring. Everything is normal, y’all. [dancing]

Fresh Prince

Will Smith… Chris Redd

[Starts with Will Smith rotating on a chair. Music video starting.] [music playing]

Will Smith: [rapping] In West Philadelphia born and raised
on the playground is where I spent most of my days
when a couple of guys, they were up to no good
started making trouble in my neighborhood

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
she said…

Mom: You’re moving with your aunty and uncle in Bel-Air.”

Will Smith: I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there
the seat of my throne as the prince of Bel-Air

Turns out, the guys I fought weren’t regular thugs
they were a powerful gang running guns and drugs
and because of our fight one went to jail
so they followed me all the way out to Bel-Air

Thug: Let’s go to Bel-Air and kill that nerd!

Will Smith: They barged right through the door, started trashing the place
my uncle Phil got all up in the leader space
He said…

Uncle: Son, I’m a judge, so you better think twice.

Will Smith: Then they beat my uncle Phil with an inch of his life

Uncle: Call somebody. Call the cops.

Will Smith: Car roll, Tim pissed his caceis and snitched me out.

Tim: He’s hiding outside in the poolhouse

Will Smith: So, I got out of there as quick as I can,
laid low in a motel hiding from that gang

Then this lady showed up and here’s what she said

Lady: I’m FBI, you stay here, you’re dead

Will Smith: At that very moment, I was frozen with fear,
she said…

Lady: You wanna stay alive, you got to disappear

Will Smith: Cut to the city morgue where I’m scared and confused
she’s dressing a dead body in my clothes and my shoes
she said she needs my teeth and couple of hair
to make the thugs think the body’s of fresh Prince of Bel-Air

News: The body in the car has been identified as a Philadelphia man who according to friends, enjoyed Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool.

Will Smith: I watched my own funeral from behind the tree
I saw my mama cry as they buried me
I said, “Can I just let them know I’m alright?”
She said…

Lady: Now you’re a ghost, say goodnight.

Will Smith: I woke up in the warehouse on a maddow seat
where this scary Japanese male looking at me

Lady: The debt is repaid

Will Smith: The lady said to the man
I asked her, “Yo, what the fuck is happening?”
She said…

Lady: I’m not FBI, but I’m sorry I used you
but my father owes a lot of money to the Yakuza

Will Smith: So all of this was just a crazy ploy?

Man: Silence, worm, now you’re a nobody boy

Will Smith: Didn’t know what that was, didn’t wanna find out
butt they burned off my fingerprints and duck-taped my mouth
then, gunshots and the hits been dropped

the Philly thugs enter holding nines and glocks

Thug: Ay, yo, Philly’s my town..

Will Smith: Said the thug to the man

Thug: Gather up your crew and go back to Japan

Will Smith: The man just smiled and quietly answered

Man: Gentlemen, please teach our guests some manners

Will Smith: Both crews opened up, bullets firing pass through
red head got hit with a shotgun blast
in a shadow stood a man who nobody knew who he was

Thug: Who the hell are you?

Uncle: You can call me the judge

[everybody start shooting at each other.]

Will Smith: Uncle Phil said…

Uncle: You need to get off the grid
you can never go back to the life that you lived

Will Smith: So I crawl on the floor pass the red headed traitor
and her las words were….

Lady: Yo, see you later.

[Uncle Phill gets shot several times]

Will Smith: That’s my story, y’all about how
my life got flipped turned upside down
and if anybody asks, just stay right there
and tell them how I became
[Cut to a homeless man] Jasper Mitchell of White Ridge, NH