Office of the Speaker of the House

William… Drake

The Speaker… Taran Killam

Dick Patterson… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

[Starts with the Office of the Speaker of the House.]

William: Mr. speaker, how was your meeting with Donald Trump?

The Speaker: Well, it went very well, William, but between me and you, he still makes me very nervous.

William: Me too, sir.

The Speaker: Yeah, bud. It is mid-May. We don’t have time to find a third party candidate.

William: Actually, sir, I think I found the perfect guy. He’s a successful businessman.

The Speaker: That’s great.

William: He worked for Reagan in the 80s.

The Speaker: Oh, fantastic.

William: And he has the body of a baby.

The Speaker: I’m sorry, what was that last one?

William: Please meet Mr. Patterson, sir.

[Dick Patterson walks in. He is a full grown man who cannot control his body well like that of baby’s. He is moving his arms and legs everywhere.]

Dick Patterson: Hello. Don’t get up. I’ll come to you. There we go. Mr speaker, Dick Patterson. Pleased to meet you.

The Speaker: Pleasure is all mine. [Dick Patterson starts licking and sucking The Speaker’s hand] Oh, okay. William here was just telling me some wonderful things about you, Mr. Patterson. Uh, would you give us just one moment please?

[The Speaker walks to the corner with William]

William: Isn’t he great? I mean, he’s fresh faced. He’s experienced. The best of all, he’s young.

The Speaker: Yeah, exactly. How young is he? He’s 5The Speaker and nine months. And we’ve already done a thorough background check.

Dick Patterson: Oh, don’t worry. You won’t find any skeletons in my closet.

The Speaker: [reading Dick Patterson’s files] Alright, well let me take a look here.

[While Dick Patterson is reading the file, Dick Patterson cannot see his face covered by the file.]

Dick Patterson: Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is.

[Dick Patterson raises the file again]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is.

[Dick Patterson raises the file again]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is. He keeps disapp–

[Dick Patterson raises the file]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lower the file]

There he is. Found him.

The Speaker: Well, this all looks great. Now, Mr. Patterson. As you know, Donald Trump is technically our nominee, but uh, many people think we’d be better off putting a Turkey on the Supreme court.

[Dick Patterson laughs like a baby]

Dick Patterson: Very funny. Listen, I would be honored to represent this party. [Dick Patterson has his hands moving everywhere] I’m pro-life. I’m pro family and I’m pro guns. I’m actually carrying right now. [Dick Patterson shows a gun in his left hand which is moving everywhere. William and The Speaker are scared.]

The Speaker: Sit down. No, no, no, no, no.

Dick Patterson: Fair enough.

The Speaker: Now before this conversation can go any further, we’re going to need you to sign this confidentiality agreement.

Dick Patterson: Oh, sure. Yeah. Just put it on the floor.

[Dick Patterson lies down on the floor] [The Speaker puts the papers on the floor]

Alright. Let me take a look at this.

[Dick Patterson is looking at the paper]

Alright.

[Dick Patterson signs the papers very roughly]

All set.

The Speaker: I’m sorry, William. I just don’t know if this, we’ll call him man, is ready to be president.

William: Trust me sir. He’s committed. He’s passionate. He’s a hard worker. I mean, look how hard he’s working to get back onto his butt right now.

Dick Patterson: Look. I did it. [clapping for himself]

William: Speaker, I know we’re probably going to go with Trump, but Mr. Patterson would be an excellent backup. He’s tough. He’s prepared. And he’s, he’s, he’s taken off.

[Dick Patterson opens his pants. He’s wearing a diaper.]

Dick Patterson: Okay. There we go. That’s better.

William: Sir, sir, sir. You can just go ahead and put your pants back on if you will.

Dick Patterson: When I don’t want pants.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Mr. speaker. Sorry to interrupt. You have a two o’clock with Reince Priebus.

[Dick Patterson walks to Cecily]

Dick Patterson: Oh wow. Look at that hair.

[Dick Patterson starts pulling Cecily’s hair]

Cecily: Thank you.

Dick Patterson: Yeah. Really great hair. I love this.

[Cecily is in pain]

Cecily: Thank you so much.

[Cecily gets Dick Patterson’s hands off her hair]

Wow. Quite a grip you’ve got there, Mr. Patterson.

[Cecily leaves]

William: He may have the body of a baby, but his hands are much bigger and stronger than Trump’s if I had to say.

The Speaker: Oh, William. Well, Mr. Patterson, I guess I just have one question left for you. Do you actually want to be president? Think really hard about it.

Dick Patterson: Hmm. [thinking] Yes I do.

William: Alright, you’re our best option, so bring it in.

[William hugs Dick Patterson. Dick Patterson starts kissing William’s face]

Oh, that’s not what we– Oh, okay. I just asked for a hug, but this is fine too. He must be hungry and he’s trying to latch onto me.

The Speaker: [frustrated] It was great meeting you, Mr. Patterson. Enjoy your lunch.

Dick Patterson: I’m gonna eat peas.

[Dick Patterson crawls out] [The End]

Cinema Classics Marla Barlett

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

William… Taran Killam

Marla Barlett… Julia louis-Drefus

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese De’What. Tonight we look back at the career of one of golden era Hollywood’s most accomplished film actresses Marla Bartlett. Inspired by fellow actor Marlin Brando, Marla would sometimes hide snippets of her lines around the set so she could discover them in the moment and deliver them fresh. Why did she go to these lengths? I do not know. I am not a good guesser. Just ask my wife. She said, “Guess what I want for my birthday.” And I said, “Your face from 10 years ago?” Worst IBF appointment ever! Let’s watch a scene from 1953’s classic drama ‘Women Tormented’, starring Marla Bartlett and see if you can spot where she hit he lines on the set.

[Cut to a clip from the drama ‘Women Tormented’]

William: I know you never told me to come back. But I can’t resist you, Elinor. This probably won’t mean much now but I brought you this. [puts a necklace on Marla’s neck] Just a small token of my affection. Do tell me you like it. What do you think?

[Marla looks at the mirror. There is “It’s beautiful, William.” written on the mirror.] [Marla looks around]

Marla: It’s beautiful, William.

William: Then I suppose the only question is, what are we going to do about my wife?

[Marla runs towards the window and opens the curtain. Behind the curtain, it’s written “What if she went”.]

Marla: What if she went…

[Marla opens another curtain. Behind the curtain, it’s written “Missing”.]

missing.

[Cut to William]

William: Are you suggesting what I think you are?

[Marla walks to the shell and looks under it. There’s written “Yes”.] [Marla walks to William]

Marla: [softly] Yes.

William: Are you positive?

[Marla walks to the shell and looks at the ‘Yes’ written under it again.]

Marla: Yes.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Did you see any of her lines? I think I saw like, three. Was that right? [looking around] Hello? Is it just me here? Am I the only one working today? Soon, Marla was completely dependent on the hidden lines. But as filming progressed, her dark secret was exposed that she was too vein for her reading glasses. Let’s watch.

[Cut to the movie clip again]

William: Darling, I can’t go through with this. I love you, but we’re talking about murder.

[Marla walks away and looks behind a pot and reads.]

Marla: Murder is such a strong word.

[Marla picks up a clock and is searching for her lines]

Don’t you think?

[Marla picks up a glass of drink and starts drinking it as her line is written at the bottom of the glass.]

I certainly do.

[Marla picks up an ashtray beside the glass and reads.] [sobbing] Made in China.

[Cut to Marla]

William: But Elinor, if we get caught it would mean the chair.

[Marla runs to William and unbuttons his shirt. There’s her lines written on his chest.]

Marla: William. Don’t be foolish. It’s too late. Far, far too late. I think we both know that. [reads her lines] And now kick me.

William: [whispering] I think it says ‘kiss me’.

Marla: [reads the lines again] No, it says kick me.

William: I guarantee it does not say ‘kick me’.

Marla: Kick me like you mean it.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Did you see that? That other actor looked straight into the camera and gave a little mouth blow like [mimicking the mouth blow]. The director only let him kick her two times before he called cut. Let’s watch one final scene where Marla’s co-star’s frustration is clearly apparent.

[Cut to the movie clip again] [William and Marla are standing facing each other when Kate walks in] Kate: William, how could you?

William: Darling, I’m so sorry. But I have to do this.

[William pulls out a gun]

Kate: Oh, William, why? Why? You love me, remember? Come to your senses.

William: I’m– I’m sorry.

[William shoots at Marla and Marla falls on a piano. Marla is now looking for her lines on the fruits.]

Marla: I’ve been shot.

[Cut to William and Kate]

Kate: Are you sure?

[Marla falls and is crawling towards William and Kate]

William: Where are you going?

Marla: I need the shell that says ‘Yes’.

William: Then why don’t you just say ‘Yes’?

Marla: Shell.

[William brings the shell to her]

Marla: Yes!

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Okay, I don’t think I can do this anymore. We used to do good movies. I don’t know what happened. Well, for Cinema Classics, I have been Reese De’What.

Love at First Sight

Heidi Gardner

Jennifer… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

William… Chance the Rapper

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Waitress… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a clip of a very nice restaurant] [Cut to thee ladies inside the restaurant]

Heidi Gardner: Come on, Jennifer. Cheer up. I hate to see you depressed.

Jennifer: I’m sorry. I know it’s not very 2019 to be down about a guy, but I still miss him.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, of course you do! You were together a long time.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Let’s just get more drinks and I’ll write down my address for when I pass out.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Well, this night’s going to be bad.

Heidi Gardner: Actually, Jennifer, there’s a guy at the bar and he’s staring at you.

[Cut to Jennifer. There is a guy behind Jennifer at the bar who is looking at her.]

Jennifer: He’s looking at me? That has to be a mistake.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: No, girl, he’s coming over here!

[Cut to everybody. William is walking towards Jennifer]

William: Hello. My name is William. I’m nice, but I’m also shy.

Jennifer: I’ve heard that before. Right, ladies?

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Okay, give him a chance. Jennifer.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I could tell you looked sad. Would you like to dance?

[Jennifer stands and holds William’s hands]

Jennifer: Do they have dancing here?

William: I don’t care. [They start dancing] If they don’t like it, they can kill us.

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: Hey, buddy, we don’t really have room for dancing here.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Well, we are going to dance. And if you don’t like it, I suggest you kill us.

Jennifer: Wow, I never met anyone so confident.

William: And I’ve never met anyone so beautiful.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Oh, my gosh! Did you hear that? He knows just what to say.

Heidi Gardner: I know. I mean even if he’s a psych, it’s nice to hear you’re pretty.

Ego Nwodim: I know, even from a crazy person, it’s 100.

Heidi Gardner: But he’s dressed well.

Ego Nwodim: He is dressed well. So cute.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Hey, do you believe in love at first sight?

Jennifer: I think I’m starting to. This is crazy.

William: What’s crazy is how you feel in my arms.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: I feel like I’m floating.

[Jennifer and William are literally floating in the middle of the restaurant] [Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Hey, are they flying right now?

Heidi Gardner: Oh, my god. I wouldn’t call it flying, but it’s definitely a low hover.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: Is this what true love is supposed to feel like?

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I wouldn’t have it any other way. Do you want to see if we can move around?

Jennifer: Sure. Lead the way.

William: Here we go.

[Cut to everybody. Jennifer and William start floating around over other’s tables and breaking things]

Ego Nwodim: Okay. Guys, be careful.

Heidi Gardner: You guys don’t have a lot of clearance.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, which makes me they’re not that much in love.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Don’t listen to them. They’re just jealous of me.

Jennifer: And me, too.

William: Sure. Hey, have you ever had champagne?

Jennifer: No, what is it?

William: You’ll see. Let’s fly to the bar. Here we go!

[Jennifer and William fly to the bar. William takes his champagne out of the ice and drops the ice bucket from the bar]

William: This will do nicely.

Jennifer: I’ll get the glasses. [Jennifer flies to the bar and breaks a lot of glasses trying to fetch two glasses for them] I feel like I’m flying in the stars.

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: Uh, you’re not. You’re like three feet tops.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I don’t care. We’re in love. And with love, there are no rules!

[William does a flip in the air]

Jennifer: Yeah! We’re in love!

Bartender: All right. Looking right up your skirt, honey!

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

Ego Nwodim: I am so happy for Jennifer. I just hope she doesn’t get hurt.

Heidi Gardner: Yeah, you mean physically, right?

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, with all the crashing and—

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

Jennifer: Guys, I don’t want this night to ever end.

[Waitress walks in]

Waitress: Who ordered a seafood platter?

[Jennifer and William try to get the food but mess up everything from the table.]

Waitress: Thank you. That was so easy to make.

Jennifer: This is the best night of my life. And we haven’t even kissed.

William: Let’s change that.

[Jennifer and William kiss. William starts floating down.]

Jennifer: Oh, wait. Wait, why are you sinking? Was my kiss weird?

William: Nah, it was good.

Jennifer: Well, then, come back up here where all the love is.

William: Please don’t pull my arm.

Jennifer: I want you up here with me.

William: Yeah, I’m just going to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back. Hey, this was fun.

[William leaves] [Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: So do you want to close up or what?

Jennifer: Yeah, sure, let me—I’ll get my purse.

[Jennifer goes to her friends to get her purse]

Ego Nwodim: Jennifer, don’t be sad.

Jennifer: You know, maybe I was meant to be alone.

Ego Nwodim: No, you’ll find someone else sooner or later.

Bartender: Hello. I think it’s going to be sooner.

[Cut to the bartender. He is floating.]

Jennifer: You!

Ego Nwodim: Jennifer, maybe not the bartender!

Jennifer: Just one way to find out. Kiss me!

[Bartender and Jennifer kiss]

Both: We’re in love! We’re in love! [Bartender and Jennifer float higher and outside the window] We’re in love!