Mike Pence Impeachment Strategy Cold Open

Mike Pence … Beck Bennett

William Barr … Aidy Bryant

Rudy Giuliani … Kate McKinnon

Mike Pompeo … Matthew Broderick

Mr. Schiff … Mikey Day

Ben Carson … Kenan Thompson

President of Finland … Alex Moffat

[Cut to Mike Pence, Rudy Giuliani and William Barr in a meeting]

Mike Pence: Rudy, attorney general Barr, thank you for joining me. As you know, this impeachment farce is growing worse by the day. And now, a second whistle-blower is coming forward.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: And it’s all happening during my busy season – Halloween.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Where is the president, Mike?

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: He has more important things to deal with. He’s meeting with an alligator breeder about filling a moat at the border.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: You should have told me. I know a couple of gators from when I lived in the central park zoo.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Rudy, we need to get ahead of this story before it spirals out of control. Did you see those text messages they uncovered?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: What! They totally exonerate us.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Really? What do they say?

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Well, this one says, “I think we should stop texting about the crimes and maybe tell the crimes over the phone that the crimes don’t leave little crime footprints.” See, it’s all taken care of.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: I can’t believe that. I’m supposed to be seeing the new Judy Garland movie with mother.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr:  You worry too much, Mike. Presidents get impeached every 30 or 40 years. Now, come on, relax, have another glass of milk.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Well, it’s 5 somewhere. [Mike Pence drinks milk in a whiskey glass] [Assistant walks in]

Assistant: Mr. Vice President, secretary Mike Pompeo has returned from Greece and is here to see you.

Mike Pence: Oh!

[Mike Pompeo walks in]

Mike Pompeo: Hey, good to be back.

Mike Pence: Mike, weren’t you subpoenaed by congress?

Mike Pompeo: I was, but I think I bought myself a little time.

[Cut to the chairman Mr. Schiff]

Mr. Schiff: This meeting of the house intelligence committee will now come to order. Pompeo. Pompeo. Pompeo.

[Cut to a doll of Mike Pompeo] [Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Listen, I’ve been asking around and I think that this whole impeachment thing could be really bad.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Who told you that?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Like, America.

Rudy Giuliani: Not according to this Breitbart office poll that says 121% of people want Biden impeached.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Maybe we should listen to Mike. After all, he is secretary of—

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: State, I think? Honestly, I don’t know anymore. My ID just says Big Mike.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: That’s right. The only original cabinet member left in Ben Carson.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Did somebody say my name?

Mike Pence: That’s okay, Ben. This isn’t your job.

Ben Carson: Okay. But I’ve been sitting in my empty office for like three years. Does anyone know what my job is supposed to be?

William Barr: No idea. Anyone? I don’t know.

Ben Carson: Even if somebody could give me my password to my computer, that would be a great help.

William Barr: You know what? I better show Mr. Carson out.

Mike Pence: But you’ll be back, right? We’re in the middle of a crisis here.

William Barr: Oh, for sure, 100%. See you soon.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Rudy Giuliani: Listen, guys, we’re going to be just fine. We need to close ranks, you know? Like the mafia.

Mike Pompeo: Uh, yeah, except the mafia was like, smart. They didn’t go on Fox News and tell people crimes before they did them.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, that reminds me, I promised Hannity I would go on his show tonight. I better get into my stage make up so I look less– While I’m going, you guys should get your stories straight. Okay? Something like how hunter Biden started pizza gate or how this can all be traced back to Takashi 69. Whatever the worst idea is, text it to me so the feds have a record. I’ll be back.

[Rudy Giuliani leaves]

Mike Pompeo: He’s probably right about getting out stories straight.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Yes, because even if they’re not straight now, they could still be converted to straight, right?

[Cut to  Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: You know, though the other thing we could do is just flee the country. There’s a whole list of countries that would love to have us. North Korea, Saudi Arabia. End of list.

[Cut to everybody]

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, who is this guy?

President of Finland: I’m the president of Finland.

Mike Pence: Oh, my god. You’re still here? From the press conference?

[Cut to President of Finland]

President of Finland: Yes. Mr. Trump kept screaming and then he just walked off and I did not know if it was over or what.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: You can go. You’re going to go.

[Cut to President of Finland]

President of Finland: Well, I did want to say, the concept of diplomacy is very important.

[Cut to Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Oh, that’s cute. Hey, you know what? [Cut to everybody] I’m going to walk this guy out. So, what’s Finland like? I mean to live in.

President of Finland: It’s nice.
Mike Pence: Wait. You’re coming back, right, Mike? Because if things go bad for Trump, then I’m president.

Mike Pompeo: Oh, yeah, yeah, that’s great, that’s going to work out just great. I can’t wait for that to happen. And hey, impeachment moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around, might miss it.

[Mike Pompeo leaves] [Cut to Mike Pence alone in a room]

Mike Pence: Wow, it looks like I’m here all alone.

[Assistant walks in with a basket]

Assistant: Actually, sir, Stephen Miller wanted to talk to you.

Mike Pence: Oh. Fantastic.

Assistant: Here he is.

[Assistant opens the basket, a snake comes out]

Mike Pence: Oh, thanks for coming by, Stephen. Do you have any way out of this impeachment? [Snake whispering] Oh really? [Snake whispering]  Biden, corruption? Okay, uh-huh. Get Nicholas Cage to steal the constitution and blame it on immigrants? Do you really think that will work? [Snake whispering] God, he’s good. He’s good.

[Assistant walks in]

And speaking of good, Rudy Giuliani is back from his appearance on Fox News. He’s still in stage makeup.

[Rudy Giuliani walks in with The Joker make up]

Rudy Giuliani: I killed on Hannity.

Mike Pence: Did you say killed?

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right, and I’ll kill again.

Mike Pence and Rudy Giuliani: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Impeachment Cold Open – SNL

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

William Barr… Aidy Bryant

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump Jr… Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Kim-Jong Un… Bowen Yang

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Don King… Kenan Thompson

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Liev Schreiber

[Starts with a clip of White House] [Cut to Donald Trump in his office speaking on the phone] [Cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Get me Rudy Giuliani on the phone.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump is on left, Rudy Giuliani is on the ride side of the screen.]

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. Trump. What’s new?

Donald Trump: What do you mean what’s new, Rudy? I’m being impeached. It’s the greatest presidential harassment of all time I would know. I’m like the president of harassment.

Rudy Giuliani: You got to relax Mr. Trump. We’ve got nothing to worry about. Nobody’s going to find out about our illegal side dealings with the Ukraine.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we tried to cover up those side dealings.

Donald Trump: Great.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we plan to cover up the cover up.

Donald Trump: Rudy. Rudy, where are you right now.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani. He’s in CNN live show.]

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on CNN right now. I’m going to put you on speaker.

[Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.]

Donald Trump: Rudy, get out of there and whatever you do stay off the phone. [Cut to Donald Trump] I got another call. Okay. Who is this?

[Cut to William Barr in his office]

William Barr: It’s Attorney General Barr.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump on left, William Barr on right.]

Donald Trump: Will, I’m really starting to worry.

William Barr: Well, stay calm. Mr. President. I know things look bad right now but I got our top guy on this.

Donald Trump: Good. Well let’s get him on the phone too.

[Cut to screen split into three. Donald Trump on left, William Barr in the middle and Rudy Giuliani on right.]

Rudy Giuliani: Hello.

Donald Trump: Dammit! Not Rudy!

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Rudy, you’re not still on CNN, are you?

Rudy Giuliani: Of course not.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on the Joe Rogan party.

Donald Trump: Rudy, hang up the phone and get out of there. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and William Barr]. Will, you know I’m going to need somebody to take the blame for this.

William Barr: Yeah, but where are you going to find a sacrificial Patsy that don’t do anything you say, not it.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry, I’ve got the perfect stooge.

[Cut to Mike Pence.] [Phone ringing]

Mike Pence: Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Mike Pence.]

Donald Trump: Big Mike, how is church going? You’re still waiting on, what’s this face, to come back?

Mike Pence: You mean Jesus sir?

Donald Trump: Yes, that’s the guy. Listen, I’m just calling you about this whole Ukraine whistle blower thing. It’s looking pretty bad for you.

Mike Pence: For me? But you’re the one who broke the law.

Donald Trump: Hey, wait a minute. Don’t try to drag me into your mess. Hold on Mike, I’m getting a call from the boys. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump on left and Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. on the right.] Hello.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. It’s your sons.

Eric Trump: And Eric.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. I just can’t believe the lame stream media is focused on you and not on the corruption of Joe Biden’s son.

Donald Trump: I know. By the way did you take care of that thing in Russia for me.

Donald Trump Jr.: [Laughing] What thing in Russia?

Eric Trump: [Laughing] The treason!

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric!

[Call waiting beeps]

Donald Trump: Hang on boys I’m getting a very important call from the Chairman.

[Cut to screen into two with Donald Trump and Kim Chairman Kim-Jong Un.]

Chairman Kim.

Kim-Jong Un:  What’s up?

Donald Trump: Thanks for getting back to me. I need some advice. How do you handle a whistle blower?

Kim-Jong Un:  Oh that’s easy. You have a big ocean in your country.

Donald Trump: Yes.

Kim-Jong Un: Okay. Send whistle blower to the bottom of them.

Donald Trump: Oh, wow. I wish my country was as cool as your country. [Phone ringing] Hang on hang on I got to take this.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Kanye West.]

Kanye, how have you been my man?

Kanye West: A lot better bro, actually. Remember those pills I were supposed to take. Hah? It turns out I’m supposed to take them every day. Can you believe that?
Donald Trump: That’s good. That’s good.

Kanye West: But actually, the reason I’m calling you because I don’t think we can be fam no more, fam.

Donald Trump: What? Why not?

Don King: Give me that phone. [Don King walks into Kanye] Only in America.

Donald Trump: Don King. Oh, don’t tell me you dudes are partying without me. Is Rodman there? And Tyson too?

Don King: Yeah. We were just having an emergency meeting at the black market. And, we all decided that this whole impeachment thing is hurting our brand.

Donald Trump: Oh don’t bail on me now. I need my Urban’s. Kanye, just tell me who you want out of jail this time. ASAP Rocky again? Or how about that little girl Teriyaki 69?

Kanye West: Look fam, we gotta go say goodbye to douche bag.

Don King: Yeah, Terrence Howard is up on the roof with an umbrella trying to prove that gravity don’t exist. Only in America.

[Cut to Donald trump]

Donald Trump: Wait. This whistle blower is starting to ruin everything for me. [Phone ringing] Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Jeanine Pirro.]

Jeanine Pirro: We’re tugged!

Donald Trump: Hey, Judge Jeanine. Things are not going so great. I’m really feeling down, I could really use a pep talk.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, Mr. President, you have come to the right place. Who’s my special beautiful boy?

Donald Trump: I am

Jeanine Pirro: Who makes every woman’s eyes pop out of her skull and go, “Oh God”?

Donald Trump: I do.

Jeanine Pirro: Damn right you do cause you’ve got dumbs like a truck, truck. And thighs like what, what?

Donald Trump: Thanks. I really needed that this whistle blower thing is just– it just won’t go away.

Jeanine Pirro: Well if you really want someone to go away, you know who to call.

Donald Trump: Right, that’s genius. [Cut to Donald Trump] I’ll call him right now.

[Cut to screen split into to with Donald Trump and Liev Schreiber.]

Liev Schreiber: Hello.

Donald Trump: Yes. Is this Ray Donovan?

Liev Schreiber: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: Ray Donovan the fixer. The guy who takes care of stuff. Wink wink.

Liev Schreiber: I told you Mr. President. Ray Donovan is a fictional character. I’m Liev Schreiber, the actor.

Donald Trump: Of course, right. I knew that. But if you can’t do it, can you connect me with John Wick?

Liev Schreiber: He’s fake. He’s fake too Mr. President.

Donald Trump: What about Liam Neeson?

Liev Schreiber: Oh, actually Liam might do it.

Donald Trump: Fine. That’s good. I’ll get him, problem solved. And live New York it’s Saturday Night.