Tag: Willie

Jail Scene

Ego Nwodim

Kenan Thompson

Willie… Woody Harrelson

Carla… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Woody’s wife visiting him in jail]

Officer: All right. 6117, you got five minutes.

Willy: Oh, Carla Jean. God, so good to see your face.

Carla: I missed you too, Willie.

Willy: Look, I know I made a damn mess of things on the outside, but I swear I’ve changed.

Carla: I hope so. I’m tired of coming here Willie. I really am.

Willy: I know honey. I know. Listen, when I get out of here I’m gonna do you right. I mean, you hear me? I am I’m gonna give you the life you’ve always deserved. Mark my words. I’m gonna be out of here soon.

Ego: No, he’s not.

Willy: What was that?

Ego: Hey, you say whatever you want. That’s your conversation.

Willy: Listen here Carla Jean, you remember that house on Cherry Lane, the one with the white picket fence? When I get out of here, I’m gonna buy us that house.

Ego: Whooo! In today’s market? That is funny.

Willy: I’m sorry it’s a problem?

Ego: Hey, it seems to me like you want one. Leave me out of this. All y’all get on my damn nerves. This man say he gonna buy her house. Buy a house?

Willy: You know, Carla Jean, prison’s actually been good for me.

Ego: No he lying.

Willy: I’ve been reading a lot.

Ego: Say he gonna buy a house.

Willy: I’m actually trying to get my GED.

Ego: Wanna buy a full damn house? Not even a duplex, but a house?

Willy: I think I’m-

Ego: I can’t buy a house and I’m not even in jail. I rent one bedroom apartment and got a damn roommate, who’s always using my soap. Seeing her hair on my bar soap and not from her head either. You want to buy a house? I had a house, ex boyfriend caught it on fire.

Willy: Will you please? I’m trying to talk to my wife.

Ego: That’s your wife. You’re still married?

Carla: Listen baby, you’re the only man for me and no matter how long you’re in here, whether it’s a day or 1000 years I will always wait for you.

Kenan: No, she not.

Carla: Sorry, can you not?

Kenan: Hey, I’m not here. I’m just wallpaper, okay? But she sure had some tall brother drop her off. He out there waiting in the car. AC cranked all the way up. Probably wasting all the damn gas. Listening to Club Random, you know, Bill Maher’s podcast. Yeah, but she talking about she gonna wait for him. Yeah, okay.

Carla: You know, little Willie Jr. is growing up so fast, he got the cutest smile. In fact, he looks just like you.

Kenan: No, he don’t.

Carla: Come on.

Kenan: Wallpaper, okay? Little boy got red hair, though. I mean, you ain’t got no rain. He ain’t got no red hair. tall brother in the car got some red hair though. Man, somebody’s math ain’t mathing. That boy look like Chucky. Yeah, you know Chucky from the Rugrats? Not knife Chucky. Yeah, coming to think of it, knife Chucky got red hair too. every damn Chucky got red hair. Wow, name me one Chucky that ain’t got red hair. Probably Chucky Cheese. Yeah, the Chucky Cheese. What’s he? A rat with a hat? Underneath that, there’s probably some red hair.

Carla: Oh my god, I really can’t with you over my shoulder.

Kenan: Ma’am. I am not your problem. Okay? What I am is wallpaper. El Papel of the wall.

Willie: Look, Carla Jean.

Ego: Ay, hold up, hold up. Ay, Carla Jean, give Dudsy the phone.

Kenan: What, you want to talk to me?

Ego: Yeah, Dudsy, Dudsy.

Kenan: Yes, one second.

Ego: This fool over her talking about he gonna buy her house.

Willie: It’s called manifest.

Ego: Why are you eavesdropping?

Kenan: Well, this lady over here talking about she going wait for him because she thinks he getting that house. She ain’t waiting for nobody. She got a tall red haired Chucky out there-

Ego: House? How’s he gonna buy a house? He has no money. He can’t even afford a candy bar. [crosstalk]

Kenan and Ego: You know what I should do? Go in on a time share.

Kenan: Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. That’s what I’m saying.

Carla: Yeah, okay. I guess I’m just gonna go.

Willie: I’ll just head back to the jail.

Kenan: Go ahead, man.

[crosstalk]

Girl Talk

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Monique… Ego Nwodim

Stacy… Megan Thee Stallion

Kim… Punkie Johnson

Paul… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Willie introducing the show]

Willie: Welcome to the show. Welcome to the show where the tea is hot and the bras are off. It’s time for Girl Talk.

[Monique walks in to the show set]

Monique: Hello. I’m your host Monique Money Monique Problems. And this is girl talk. The talk show where ladies tell me their problems and I keep my advice real simple. I’m like a wise old grandma except I still look good. Ha-ha-ha. Y’all want to know my measurements? Nah, not, maybe. And as always, we got Willie in the DJ booth. How you doing DJ Willie?

Willie: Oh man, I love life. I got two girlfriends. They know about each other and they both cool with it. I’m strong and I’m happy.

Monique: Okay, good for you. DJ Willie. Thank you.

Willie: Ay, thank you.

Monique: All right, let’s get started with our first guest. Please welcome Stacey.

[Stacy walks in]

Hi. How are you doing?

Stacy: Hi, Monique.

Monique: Hi Stacey. So talk to me. What’s going on with you?

Stacy: Okay, well, here’s my problem. My boyfriend of four years just asked me to move in with him. But I’ve recently caught him cheating. What should I do?

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: Girl… [gives a look]

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: Girl… [gives a look]

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: You’re right. When you put it like that, I need save my coins and break up his ass.

Monique: Um-hmm. There she is y’all. Come on, give it up for Stacey. I saved another life today, y’all. Okay, let’s go ahead and bring out our next guest. Please welcome Kim.

[Kim walks in]

Kim: Nice to meet you.

Monique: Okay, hi Kim. What’s going on with you?

Kim: Oh my god, it’s just everything that’s going on with the world is stressing me out. My anxiety is through the roof.

Monique: Umm. You know, this sounds like it’s about to be complex. So why don’t we get our subtitles off for any white people or men tuning in. Go ahead Kim.

Kim: Girl… [Subtitle reads: Don’t get me started.]

Monique: Girl… [Subtitle reads: Pop off!]

Kim: Girl… [Subtitle reads: First off…] Girl… [Subtitle reads: What’s going on with the situation in Ukraine?]

Monique: Girl… [Subtitle reads:I know: How did it come to this?]

Stacey: Girl… [Subtitle reads: I’m not an expert, but…] Girl la… Girl… [Subtitle reads a long paragraph of over Stacy00 words]

Kim: Girl!

Monique: Okay, good boss. Stacy knows her stuff. Does she knows stuff or what? I will be honest, that just got a little too real for me. So why don’t you pick us back up DJ Willie?

Willie: Oh, man. I love my life. You know? My clothes are awesome. I got a cool car. I wake up laughing every morning. Because my life is better than my dreams.

Monique: Alright. Thank you DJ Willie.

Willie: Man, thank you!

Monique: Okay, let’s go ahead and bring out our final guests. Paul, come on out.

[Paul walks in]

So Paul, what’s up? Why are you here?

Paul: Well, I thought anyone could come on.

Monique: They can.

Paul: Okay, so my issue is this. I’ve got a great job, but I’m worried if I don’t quit now. I’ll never pursue my real passion drawing. What should I do?

Monique:  Girl… [gives a look]

Paul: Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Paul: Okay, so quit my job?

Monique: Okay, you know what? You’re not getting it. Stacy, you’re the one with the boyfriend, right? So why don’t you help us out? Yeah.

Stacey: I got this. Bro…

Paul: Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I should quit drawing because I’m not really good at it.

Monique: Um-hmm. There we go. Boom. Third life saved, y’all.

Paul: Wow. And you’re the best. So I guess instead of saying thank you, I’ll take a page out of your book and say girl!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Monique: No, you’re not doing that. No way.

Stacey: You know where to go.

Monique: Alright, that’s our show. Play my song DJ Willie

Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Neighbor Willie on the COVID-19 Vaccine

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The vaccine has been rolled out with about a thousand Americans taking it this week, but I don’t know guys. I’m still feeling skeptical. So, to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in] [cheers and applause]

Willie: Hey, Michael. Oh, man. It’s a Christmas miracle. The vaccine is finally here.

Michael Che: I don’t know if I trust this vaccine, Willie.

Willie: Oh, I was skeptical too, Michael. I’ve been searching for that vaccine since March. And I was starting to give up hope.

Michael Che: What do you mean you were searching for the vaccine?

Willie: Well, you know. I’d go down to the city park, pick up some needles up the ground, try them out.

Michael Che: Willie, that is very dangerous.

Willie: Well, Michael, if you want to hit the lotto, you got to crack some eggs.

Michael Che: What?

Willie: Finally, I just got lucky and CEO of Pfizer personally knocked on my window to give me the vaccine.

Michael Che: Are you sure that was the CEO of Pfizer?

Willie: Of course, Michael. Unless that was just some African dude making it up.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Willie: No. It was him.

Michael Che: Willie, aren’t you worried about the side effects?

Willie: Oh, Michael, we all have birth defects.

Michael Che: I said side effects.

Willie: But that’s not the vaccine’s for. At most, it makes you a little sleepy. But you wake up in a tub of ice good as new.

Michael Che: In a tub of ice?

Willie: Well, it’s like they say, Michael. “They replaced your organs with newspaper again, Willie!”

Michael Che: Oh, man.

Willie: I guess I’m just a little more trusting than doctors since my grand daddy worked in medicine.

Michael Che: Really?

Willie: Yeah. He was famous too. He was the first person chosen to take a miracle vaccine that would make his town safe again. And it worked too.

Michael Che: What vaccine was that?

Willie: It was called “The lethal injection”.

Michael Che: Willie, I’m still worried about taking that shot.

Willie: Oh, Michael! You sound just like my old dog Lucias. He didn’t want to take his shot either. He’d run and hide until we found a little trick. We put some peanut butter on the barrel of the rifle and he ran right to it.

Michael Che: Rifle?

Willie: Yes. It’s like they always say, “You can’t make a fur coat out of just one dog, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, this isn’t making anybody feel better.

Willie: Oh, Michael! Michael! This has been a tough year for everybody. But we can still get through this. You know, I was pretty sick myself this year.

Michael Che: Oh, I didn’t know that, Willie.

Willie: Yeah. I followed all the rules. I wore mask. Kept 500 feet away from schools. But I still got affected. I had all the symptoms. Heavy cough, no sense of smell or taste, tiny bumps on my peepee, could barely breathe. But did I let that stop me from beat boxing at the nursing home?

Michael Che: I really hope it did.

Willie: No, sir. It’s like they always say in show biz, Michael. “You wiped off St. Mary’s village, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, everybody!

Weekend Update- Willie on February

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: It’s the beginning of February which is the shortest month and often the coldest. It can be hard on your spirit, so here to cheer us up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Ay, Michael! Oh, man! I just love February. 28 days of fun and excitement. By the way, ground hog saw his shadow yesterday. So you know what that means?

Michael Che: What’s that, Willie?

Willie: Six more weeks of leaving your oven door open for heat.

Michael Che: That’s really dangerous, man.

Willie: Ay! President’s day is coming, Michael! That means mattress sales.

Michael Che: Okay.

Willie: You know, last year I got a mattress for only 36.

Michael Che: Really? where?

Willie: The police auction. Oh! It’s a nice one too. When you turn on the black light, you can see all the little constellation.

Michael Che: That’s disgusting, man.

Willie: Michael! You will never guess what I did for this Black History Month.

Michael Che: Do I wanna know?

Willie: Yeah. I went and traced my ancestry.

Michael Che: That’s pretty cool, Willie. I was going to do that.

Willie: You should, Michael. It’s really easy. All you gotta do is send your full name, social security number and all your bank information to West Africa and you wait for the results.

Michael Che: Willie, that sounds like a scam.

Willie: Well, excuse me, Michael, but do you really think that the grand nephew of Prince Hakutamatata would fall for a scam?

Michael Che: Nah! I guess he wouldn’t, man.

Willie: You know, it’s like my ancestors used to always say back in the village. You had us a free boat trip!

Michael Che: Whoa! Whoa! Willie, Willie, how is this supposed to make anybody feel better about February?

Willie: Well, what about Valentine’s day, Michael? Don’t you have somebody special to spend it with?

Michael Che: No.

Willie: That’s alright. I’m a little embarrassed to say this but I bought one of those super realistic sex dolls off the internet.

Michael Che: Really?

Willie: Yup. I caved. Got a great deal on it too. She looks so realistic. Long white hair, long sharp nails, skin cold to the touching.

Michael Che: Oh, no.

Willie: Limbs, stiff as a board. As soon as I unzipped that big black bag and saw her wide eye staring back at me, I knew I was going to be in the house all night.

Michael Che: Alright, man.

Willie: Michael, it’s like they always say, “Sex dolls don’t have toe tags, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, super realistic, huh?

Willie: Yeah.

Michael Che: So, Willie, you’re gonna watch Super Bowl?

Willie: Oh, no, no, no. I’m gonna watch the Puppy Bowl instead. Yeah. My old dog Lucias used to be a coach.

Michael Che: Your dog Lucias coached the Puppy Bowl?

Willie: Yeah. He sure did. Old Lucias taught those puppies how to run really fast. And then he jumped on top of them and pinned their shoulders down to teach them how to tackle. And then he put his paw over their mouths to teach em’ how to keep quiet.

Michael Che: No, no, man.

Willie: It’s like they always say, Michael, “Your dog is a puppy molester, Willie!”

Michael Che: Alright! My neighbor, Willie, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Willie on Thanksgiving

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, Thursday is Thanksgiving and I for one is really not looking forward to it. But here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Michael, how are you doing? Oh, I just love thanksgiving. My whole family getting together. Sitting around the table giving me ultimatum to quit drinking.

Michael Che: That sounds terrible.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Yeah. Family time is best part of thanksgiving, Michael. Reminds of me when I was a little boy. Me and my cousins going to our grandparents’ house, sneaking a sip of warm spicy cider from my grand daddy’s bedpan.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Dude!

Willie: And boy, do I miss my granny’s cooking. Oh, you would have loved her famous pecan pie. That crust was so  b, pecan so juicy, you can barely taste the legs. [Cut to Willie] I can still hear my grandmama now yelling, “It’s roaches in the pie, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: That’s disgusting.

Willie: Oh? But don’t you love watching football on thanksgiving day, Michael? It reminds me of when I watched the game on TV with my daddy. [Cut to Willie] He pointed to the screen and he said, “Son, you see that man running with the ball? That’s OJ Simpson. He had sex with your mama and one day I’m gonna frame him for murder.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Come on, man!

Willie: Well, I mean, sure! I may not live a life of luxury, maybe I don’t have a coat, or toenails, but I do have something that nobody could ever take away from me.

Michael Che: What’s that?

Willie: Outstanding warrants. Let me tell you, Michael, [Cut to Willie] I can’t wait to see that Macy’s parade again. You ever gone there as a kid?

Michael Che: I have actually.

Willie: You see all those big pretty balloons? I remember every thanksgiving, my uncle Joe would show me ‘Woody woodpecker’, and then he zip up his pants drive me down to the parade.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Yeah, man. I really can’t relate to any of those stuff, Willie.

Willie: Well, you know who really loves thanksgiving, my old dog Lucias. [Cut to Willie] Yeah, every year I take him down to the turkey farm to play with the turkeys. You should see, just wrestling and trolling, feathers flying everywhere, and if you listen real close, it almost sounds like old Lucias is definitely crying for help. For like they always say, Michael, “Those turkeys are running the train on your dog, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: My neighbor, Willie, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Willie About Summer

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Next week is memorial day weekend, which means summer is right around the corner. And I for one is not excited about it but here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Hey, Michael. Ay, happy summer time everybody. Boy, I can’t wait to just sit outside and stare directly to that hot summer son. [Cut to Willie] Or take a ride in the back of a pickup truck, sack over my head, wrist tied together, pee running down my legs, pee dripping down my chin.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: What the hell are you describing, man?

Willie: Summer time, Michael.

Michael Che: No, you’re not.

Willie: Makes me feel like a kid again. Boy I get so excited whenever I saw the ice-cream truck, or the candy van.

Michael Che: What’s the candy van?

Willie: Oh…. nice try, Michael! [Cut to Willie] But everybody knows you’re not supposed to tell what happens in the candy van. What you trying to do? Get me spanked and tickled by old man cut in half?

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Jesus, Willie.

Willie: What about all the outdoor concerts, Michael? [cut to Willie] You know, I remember one summer my daddy took me to see little Richard. He said, “Son, that’s the architect of rock and roll. It’s the devil’s music and I’m gonna kill him.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: That sounds horrible, man.

Willie: You know, back in those days, we weren’t allowed to go to the city pool. But we made due. [Cut to Willie] Sometimes the local firemen would come down and open the hydrant. Then they detach a hose and sprayed the hell out of us.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: These are terrible memories, Willie.

Willie: But all lives matter, Michael.

Michael Che: What?

Willie: Don’t you love summer baseball, Michael? [Cut to Willie] Every summer, my whole family would go down to AYBS field to watch the Brooklyn Dodges and throw rocks at the opposing team. But it’s like my grandma always used to say, “Stop aiming at Jackie Robinson, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Willie, this is not cheering me up.

Willie: You know who really loved summer time?

Michael Che: No.

Willie: My old dog Lucias

Michael Che: Okay.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Oh, he used to love to go for a drive. I could leave him for the car for hours. Windows rolled up. His tongue all out-banded. Nose just dry as a bone. It’s like they always say, “Get out of the candy van, your dog is cooking, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Willie, everybody.

Willie: Happy summer, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update,I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Have a great summer. Goodnight.

[The End]

Weekend Update Willie About Blizzard

Willie

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Winter is in full swing with the first snow storm of the season hitting the north east this weekend. And I for one am not thrilled about it. But here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Well, happy blizzard, everybody! Don’t you just love it? I can’t wait to go home, wrap myself in a warm cozy blanket, grab a nice thick book and just start racking roaches.

Michael Che: Your apartment has that many roaches?

Willie: Well, squaders can’t be choosers, Michael! [Cut to Willie] It’s like the best removing crew said, “My god, there’s somebody alive in here.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s terrible, dude!

Willie: But, what about all the fun things you can do with snow? The snow angels, making snow balls and all rock salts you can eat.

Michael Che: You eat rock salt?

Willie: We all eat rock salt Michael.

Michael Che: No we don’t, man. We don’t.

Willie: Are you sure?

Michael Che: How is this supposed to make me any better about the winter?

Willie: Well, sounds like somebody’s got the winter blues. [Cut to Willie] You know, whenever I get the winter blues and needs some cheering up, I like to dress up in a little doggie costume I made, and I volunteer down at the animal shelter.

Michael Che: That’s actually kind of sweet, man!

Willie: Well, it’s like they always say. “Nice try, but we’re not gonna put you down, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Come on, man!

Willie: But you know who love blizzards? My old dog Lucias. [Cut to Willie] I remember one time, me and my brother took Lucias out on the frozen pond, but then the ice broke and I had to jump in the water and save old Lucias’s life. It’s like my mother always says, “You should have saved your brother, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] Willie, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Willie on Halloween

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Woodrow… Tracy Morgan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, Halloween [laughing] is right around the corner and I for one am not looking forward to it. But here to give me in the spirit is my neighbor, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Happy Halloween, everybody. Trick or treat, smell my foot.

Michael Che: You mean feet?

Willie: Not anymore, I don’t.

Michael Che: Oh, man!

Willie: Oh, this is one of my favorite times in a year, Michael. Did you buy a costume yet?

Michael Che: I’m not buying a costume, Willie.

Willie: Oh, so you’re gonna make your own? That’s smart. [Cut to Willie] Last year I dressed up in my bed sheets and went as a spooky white yellow ghost. But it’s like they always say, “That sheet still wet, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I meant I’m not dressing up at all, Willie. I don’t even like Halloween.

Willie: But aren’t you excited about all the delicious Halloween candies, Michael? [Cut to Willie] Um-um. I can taste them now. Necco wafers, raisins, duck salt’s packets, rubber bands.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s not even candy, dude!

Willie: You know, every Halloween, my daddy would bring me to his favorite pumpkin patch up state. And he’d pick out the biggest, roundest pumpkin there. [Cut to Willie] We’d take it home, wash it. He’d carve a cute little face on to it, dress it up in a cute little wig and a cute little costume, turn it around, carve out a cute little hole in the back…

Michael Che: Oh, come on!

Willie: And then send of off to bed early.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Come on, man!

Willie: It’s like they always say, “Your daddy’s drilling those pumpkins Willie. It ain’t natural.”

Michael Che: Dude! These are like, horrible memories.

Willie: Oh, well, you know what I love the most? Haunted houses. [Cut to Willie] Every block has a spooky old place. And in my old neighborhood, it belonged to old man Jeff Dahmer. Boys were always running out of there terrified. And my job was to push them back in.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You worked there, Willie?

Willie: Well, it wasn’t the most glamorous job in the world. But work is work. [Cut to Willie] Plus, I always got a free home cooked meal.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

But you know who loved Halloween? My old dog Lucias. [Cut to Willie] He was always trying to scare me with his spooky prank whether he be hanging from the door by his lease licking himself, or hanging from the coat rack by his lease licking himself, or hanging from the ceiling fan by his lease licking himself…

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, I get it man!

Willie: It’s like they always say, “That’s learned behavior, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, how are you able to stay this positive, despite going through all these horrible things?

Willie: Well, Michael, I’m looking up to have a help of the most accomplished and accredited life coach in the world.

Michael Che: Really?

Willie: Yeah. It costs me every dime I have but it’s worth every cent. Come on out here Woodrow .

[Woodrow slides in] [cheers and applause]

Woodrow: [speaking on the phone] I’ll call you back, Opra. I’m with the client.

[Cut to Michael Che, Willie and Woodrow]

Michael Che: Willie, this guys is not a life coach.

[Cut to Willie and Woodrow]

Woodrow: Yes, I am. I have my degree right here.

[Woodrow puts a deodorant on the table] [Cut to Michael Che, Willie and Woodrow]

Michael Che: That’s just deodorant, man!

Willie: Well, now, Michael, let’s be respectful.

Michael Che: I’m just saying.

[Cut to Willie and Woodrow]

Woodrow: No, Willie, he is right. I’m not a big shot life coach and that wasn’t really Opra on the phone. I guess I made it up so you would like me. I’m just a big fat phony.

Willie: Oh! Woodrow, you’re not a phony. You saved my life.

[Woodrow looks at Willie]

Woodrow: Really?

Willie: Yeah. Reminds me of that song that you taught me.

[music playing] [singing] Little TV sets
going off inside my ears

Woodrow: Spacemen floating by
firecracker here

Willie and Woodrow: Chased the demons lightly
music hits your eye
up and down the sidewalk
take a doo-doo pie
I love you.

[Cut to Michael Che, Willie and Woodrow]

Michael Che: Willie and Woodrow, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Willie on Graduation

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s almost graduation which can be a bitter sweet time for a lot of students. So, here to cheer up anyone feeling down about graduating is the most optimistic guy I know, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! What’s up, Michael?

Michael Che: How are you doing?

Willie: Hey, everybody! Boy I just love graduation time. No more pencils. No more books. No more breakfast. No more lunch.

Michael Che: I get. Willie, leaving school can be a very scary time for a lot of kids.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Oh! But there’s nothing to be worried about, Michael. It’s like my teachers used to always say, there ain’t a bus short enough for you, Willie!

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Then, you miss all of your friends?

Willie: Yeah. Of course I did. But friends don’t always exist.

Michael Che: What?

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Reminds me of when I went to prom with my high school sweetheart Lauren. I can still see it now. Two young, crazy, fun loving kids… jumped me in the parking lot and stole my car. But it’s like they always say, “Lauren set you up, Willie!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That really happened to you, man?

Willie: It happened to all of us.

Michael Che: No.

Willie: Well sure, [Cut to Willie] maybe I wasn’t the smartest kid in school, but I graduated. And I even got to give a speech in my graduation. I was so nervous. I had to imagine everybody was throwing tomatoes at me.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Why would you imagine that?

Willie: Because they were throwing batteries at me, Michael! [Cut to Willie] But it’s like they always say, “You supposed to be wearing clothes under that robe, Willie!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That sounds terrible, man!

Willie: But you know who loves school the most?

Michael Che: No.

Willie: My old dog Lucias. Yeah! He was the most popular dog in his obedient school. That’s right. [Cut to Willie] Seemed like there wasn’t one dog in that school that old Lucias didn’t run off to play with. They’d go play in the park, on the dog beds, or in the broom closet. But it’s like those trainers used to always say, “Your dog’s spreading Chlamydiae, Willie!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, it seems like you went through a lot and you still like graduations. I mean, none of these things bum you out?

Willie: Well, I do get a little down when I think about my old classmates. I never forget the last thing they said to me. “You locked us in here with the shooter, Willie!”

Michael Che: Oh, no! Willie, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Willie is Excited for Spring

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s finally spring. And I for one, have not been in the best spirits. But here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, Willie.

[Willie slides in] [cheers and applause]

Willie: Ay! Well, happy spring time, everybody! It’s my favorite season. Sun is out. The birds are chirping. It’s so nice, I wouldn’t sleep in doors even if I could.

Michael Che: Well, you have to sleep in doors? I mean outdoors?

Willie: I’ll get to it, Michael. Also, I have to. Coz it’s like they always say, “You gave your money to a conman, Willie.”

Michael Che: That’s not cheering me up, Willie. I’m sorry.

Willie: Oh, come on, Michael! Spring time is the best time. Easter will be here soon. [Cut to Willie] Reminds of me when I was a little boy looking for chocolate eggs around the house. I can still hear my grandma saying, “Get out that damn litter box, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s disgusting.

Willie: Oh, come on! Little cat doukie can’t hurt you.

Michael Che: Yeah, man! It can.

Willie: But it’s baseball season, Michael!

Michael Che: What?

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Takes me back to when I was 6 years old. And my daddy took me down to Yankee stadium for my first ball game. I was so excited. He looked me and said, “Son, look at that in the field. That’s Micky Mantle. He’s sleeping with your mother and I’m gonna shoot him.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: These are terrible memories, man!

Willie: Oh, but that’s the point, Michael.

Michael Che: What is? How is that the point?

Willie: Spring is about new beginnings. A fresh start. Rebirth!

Michael Che: Okay.

Willie: You know who loved spring? My old dog Lucias.

Michael Che: Oh no.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: I had let him off the lease and he just ran as far as he could. I can still hear his barking getting thinner and thinner as those wolves dragged him off into the woods. But it’s like they always say, “Wolves raped your dog again, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, so none of these memories bum you out?

Willie: Well, I wouldn’t say that. Spring time does make me feel a little lonely. I do miss my wife.

Michael Che: Oh, I’m sorry, man.

Willie: It’s my own fault. [Cut to Willie] I bet she’d still be with me today if I had just listened when she said, “Hit the brakes, Willie!” But, you know what, Michael? It’s better to have loved and lost than to have to never wanna drag race.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Hey, man! If you ever get too lonely, you can always call me.

[Cut to Willie crying] Willie: Friendship is the most important thing in the world to me. Coz it’s like I always say, “There ain’t no god!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, everybody.

Willie: That’s me. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!