Owen Wilson Monologue

Owen Wilson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Owen Wilson.

[Owen Wilson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Owen Wilson: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Hello. Yes, we are doing it. The season premiere of Saturday Night Live. [cheers and applause] Now, a lot has changed since the last season. The vaccine came out everywhere except Florida. The rest of the country went back to normal for about a week and a half. But it is wonderful to be here around people again. I’ve got my two brothers here.

[cut to Owen Wilson’s brothers sitting at the audience] [cheers and applause]

Now, first, I’m a little bit nervous to be here but I’m gonna use something I learned growing up being a middle child where sometimes you’re the forgotten one, so you got to tap into this feeling with your parents. It’s kind of, “Hey, get a load of me.” Of course, if you tap into that feeling too much, you may find yourself at military school in New Mexico at 16 like I did. My dad always said he was the charter member of the 3-7-9-0 club. Three sons, seven high schools, nine colleges, zero degrees. Which was actually pretty generous of my dad to put it like that because my brothers only went to one high school and college each.

But listen, I’m excited to be here doing something live. I mean, this is what musicians talk about where you get that instant feedback from the crowd because of course, when you do a movie, you do it and you wait a year to hear how you did. But that’s not the case tonight. Reviews will be coming in immediately. People are probably tweeting reviews right now. And I know they say, “Don’t read reviews”, or actually they say, “If you read the good ones, you got to read the bad ones.” That’s not true. I just read the good ones. I really find that the bad ones, they don’t really speak to me in the same way. Plus now, Rotten Tomatoes has that green thing to tell you which ones to stay away from. Although, every once in a while, a bad one will make it pass my radar. I remember one bad one years ago that said “Owen Wilson’s on screen persona has all the ambition of an old golden retriever laying next to a fire.” And it just kind of got worse from there.

And to be honest, I probably have been guilty at times of coasting a little, taking my foot off the pedal, but I’ll tell you what. When Daniel Day-Lewis retired and all that pressure landed on my shoulders, everything changed. And that’s when I knew I had to do Cars-3 and really– [audience laughing] And really, that’s what tonight’s about. Taking chances. Spreading your wings as an artist. But you don’t want to go crazy. You got to paste yourself. And is it worst thing in the world being a golden retriever laying next to a fire? I mean, I know everyone comes out here and says, “It’s going to be a great show!” Is it? I don’t know. I mean, I’m betting on it, of course. I’m betting on a lot of things lately. I’ve a bit of gambling problem. But hey, when we lose on the rooms, we make on the sandwiches. Right? So, I guess what I’m trying to say is put on your coziest flannel and maybe we just chill out for the next 90 minutes. Close your eyes, get comfy. Now I know they said, “Owen, come on. We don’t want to encourage people to be sleeping.” Yes, but also I’m not going to stand here and tell people not to dream. And in my America, most people dream better with their eyes closed. Now come on, who’s with me?

We have a great show for you tonight. Kacey Musgraves is here.  So, stick around and we’ll be right back.