Weekend Update- Football Team Wins 106-0 and Vaccine Smoothie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of an article that says “High school football team wins 106-0” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A high school principal has apologized for unsportsmanlike conduct of the school’s football team after they beat another team 106-0. Apology accepted said the Jets.

[Picture changes to to an article that says “Mothers passing on antibodies with breastmilk smoothies]

It was reported that mothers in California are trying to pass on COVID vaccine antibodies to their children by making them smoothies with their breast milk. Oh sure. But when I asked for that, I’m escorted out of Jamba Juice.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Smith College logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Smith College has become the first woman’s college to eliminate student debt by replacing loans with grants because a lady should never have to pay.

[Picture changes to a news article that says “81 year old pharmacist traded drugs for sex”]

At an 81 year old pharmacist and Pennsylvania was arrested for allegedly trading drugs for sexual favors. Wow. [picture changes to Bill Cosby] So, he’s a pharmacist now.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of International Handball Federation logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The International handball Federation’s agreed to allow female players to wear bike shorts instead of bikini bottoms. But they’re still insisting that refs use this whistle. [flirty whistle plays] [Picture changes to an article that says “30,000 visitors locked inside due to covid] More than 30,000 people were locked inside Shanghai Disneyland after one visitor tested positive for covid. So, let this be a lesson all you kids out there. If you aren’t more careful about covid, you’ll end up living at Disney World.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of calendar marking November 2021 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: National Impotency Awareness Month began on Monday. And I for one thought it’d never come.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a squirrel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: a tick tock went viral of a squirrel that appeared to be holding hands with a woman. See? It’s like Che always says, “Gay marriage is a slippery slope.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of guy’s face at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A plastic surgeon posted a video on TikTok claiming that the rumor is true that the size of a person’s nose has a direct connection to the size of his penis. Oh, so that’s why Camila’s smiling.

Weekend Update- Biden Wins 2020 Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hi. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, I don’t know if anyone noticed or not but Joe Biden has been elected the 46th president of the United States. Yes, and this is what happen when people in New York heard that Donald Trump was defeated.

[cut to video clips of people in New York City celebrating Donald Trump’s defeat in the streets.] [cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And this is Trump’s home town. Can you imagine you get fired from your job, you go back home and everyone in your own house is like, “Boo. You suck.” But you know what they say. “Only in New York.” What’s that? Oh, it wasn’t only in New York? Oh.

[cut to video clips people in different US cities celebrating Donald Trump’s defeat in the streets.] [cut to London and Paris celebrating Donald Trump’s defeat.] [cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh my god! That’s real. Do you know how bad you have to be for Paris to ring church bells when you lose? They didn’t even do that for the real Hunchback’s funeral. The whole world is celebrating like World War II just ended. And I know this isn’t really the same as defeating the Nazis but it did end with a fascist leader hiding in a bunker.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump golfing underground.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump has reportedly said to allies that he will have to be dragged out of the White HOuse kicking and screaming. [Michael Che pulls out his glass of whiskey and takes a sip] Good. You know, ever since Biden won, everything I was worried about or mad about just sort of faded away. I mean the problem’s is still there but remember that “Shawshank” scene when the dudes are drinking beer on the roof. They were still in prison, but for one day, everything just felt okay? That’s how I feel now. And I’m so relieved because if Trump won, I thought there’d be a race war and Colin, you don’t know this but me and my friends were going to kidnap you. I rented a big old fridge and everything. It was a good plan.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Well, would I go in the fridge?

Michael Che: The box.

Colin Jost: By the way, I just want to point out how crazy it is that it’s already Saturday and the only candidate who’s conceded is Kanye West. It is never a good sign when Kanye accepts reality than you do. Trump has filed several lawsuits demanding recounts alleging voter fraud. I just want to point something out real quick. Remember in 2016 when he lost the popular vote to Hillary by 3 million? He blamed it on illegal immigrants sneaking in and voting? Well, this time he’s going to lose by 5 million votes which by his own logic means Trump let in 2 million more illegal immigrants and they all voted for Biden.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of pro-Trump demonstration at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah, there’s been a few counter demonstrations in red states like Texas and Arkansas and I just want the white republicans to look on the bright side. You still got Joe Biden. I mean, he’s not the old white guy that you want, but he’s still wold white guy. Is it that different? You wanted Gordita crunch and  you got a Chalupa, big deal. What are you so afraid that Joe Biden is going to do? Free the slaves again? Hey, Colin, did you know my tie was a clip-on? I’ve been wanting to say that all year.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The aftermath now for Trump’s campaign is really funny to me because normally when you lose a campaign, you wonder what went wrong. Was my messaging on the economy off? But for Trump, it’s like, “Huh, maybe I shouldn’t have openly taunted the dead hero of the state I needed to win.” “Maybe I shouldn’t have gone Erie, Pennsylvania and said this of Erie, Pennsylvania.”

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: Before the plague came in, I had it made. I wasn’t coming to Erie. I mean, I have to be honest. There was no way I was coming. I didn’t have to.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And personally, I also wouldn’t have sprayed my own supporters with covid at my rallies. But hey, that’s just me. The most important thing about Donald Trump losing this election is that pretty soon, we will never have to listen to Donald Trump again. We may want to listen sometimes for entertainment, just like we might want to slow down to get a better look at a burning car. But we don’t have to. Before Trump was president, no one ever cared what he said. No one was ever like, “I wonder what the least successful real estate developer in New York thinks about this?” And three months, Trump will just be another guy yelling conspiracy theories in the background. And then we can treat him like this reporter did today with a crazy dude behind him.

[Cut to a video clip of a reporter during live telecast. There is a guy behind him and he is talking to him.]

Reporter: How you doing, pal?

Guy: How are you doing, man? Is this a real news or fake news?

Reporter: Fuck off!

[Cut to Colin Jost]