Weekend Update- Leslie Jones on the 2018 Winter Olympics

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

Hilary Knight

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Winter Olympics ended this Sunday. Here to give her firsthand report is SNL’s number one Olympics fan, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in. He is wearing USA jersey.] [cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Wooo! What’s up? Yeah! How are you doing?

Colin Jost: I’m doing good, Leslie. So you actually went to Pyeongchang. How was Korea?

Leslie Jones: Oh, my god! It was so awesome! I am a 6 foot black woman. You think I stand out in America? Everybody in Korea was 4 foot 1. They either thought I was an athlete or a god. Some of them thought I was a transformer but transformer don’t eat Korean barbecue like that. Ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: So, you enjoyed the Winter Olympics?

Leslie Jones: Man, I loved it, Colin. And I didn’t think I would. Until this year, honestly, I wasn’t into the winter ones as much as the summer. But once I got to Korea, I fell in love with the events. I mean, I got to see Jamie Anderson out there riding the hash pipe. I mean–

Colin Jost: [interrupting] I think it’s actually–

Leslie Jones: [interrupting] You don’t know! Shut up! Shut up. You don’t know.

Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure its a halfpipe.

Leslie Jones: I’m the expert.

Colin Jost: It’s a halfpipe.

Leslie Jones: Whatever.

Colin Jost: And you didn’t like the bobsledding?

Leslie Jones: Woo! Yes, lord. I sure loved the Bob Sledus. That’s a man! Whoo! Those thighs were so nice for my eyes. But it turned out that my favorite event was hockey. How come nobody told me about hockey? It’s violence on ice. They punching and checking bitches at 30 miles an hour. [shouts] And did you know they got this thing called the penalty box? They send you there after you chunk a bitch. Ha-ha-ha.

Let me tell you something. If I play hockey, they will call me Penalty Box Jones. Coz that’s where I will be the whole game. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American team is bringing in Penalty Box Jones. Oh, my god! Can she do that? She doesn’t even have on skates. Is that legal?” Colin, I love hockey.

Colin Jost: Great. That’s wonderful.

Leslie Jones: And the women are better than the men. That’s right. I said it. I said it. [audience whooping] They won the gold medal on a shootout. And this woman who did a straight pot lock move was like [doing the moves] clack, clack, clow, clow. I was like, “Yo! I didn’t know you can do that.”

Colin Jost: I did not think that you’ be a hockey fan. You know, we should go sometimes to a game.

Leslie Jones: [touching Colin’s shoulder] Oh, you like hockey snow muffin?

Colin Jost: I actually play a little bit of hockey growing up. Maybe I can teach you a couple of moves. You know?

Leslie Jones: [laughing] You is so white. And you shine pretty confident. I already got a friend who said she’d give me a few pointers. Ay, Hillary.

[Hilary Knight slides in. She is wearing her hockey jersey and a gold medal.] [cheers and applause]

Yes, Colin! This is Hilary Knight. She just won the gold medal for the US women’s hockey team. [cheers and applause] Yes!

Colin Jost: Hi, Hillary. Contratulations.

Hilary Knight: Thank you. Um, I heard you played hockey growing up and you’re gonna show some moves.

[Leslie Jones is putting her ear near Colin Jost’s mouth]

Colin Jost: What? I– Well, I mean I played recreational. I don’t think I could teach you anything.

Hilary Knight: I’d love to see something.

Leslie Jones: Oh! I would love to see you try. I’d love to see you try. Ha-ha-ha-ha. So, don’t be talking about how you gonna teach me something. I got friends who are gold medal Olympians.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Get it?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I got it.

Leslie Jones: Do you, Colin? Do you got it? Do you got it?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think I got it.

Leslie Jones: Um, let me ask you a question. Uh, Hillary, do this with me.

Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones: Who run the world?

Colin Jost: Girls.

Leslie Jones: That’s right.

Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones: Who run this mother?

Colin Jost: Girls.

Leslie Jones: Yeah. Hillary, tell Colin what I told you to tell him.

Hilary Knight: Colin, you’s a bitch!

[Leslie Jones laughing hard] [cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: [to audience] Why would you clap? Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones, everyone.

Leslie Jones: We got all your medals, y’all. Yes!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Travel Expert Carrie Krum on Winter Getaways

Michael Che

Carrie Krum

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With temperatures dropping, people are looking to escape winter blues by heading to warmer climates. Here with her insider tips is 7th grade travel expert, Carrie Krum.

[Carrie slides in]

Carrie: Hi Michael.

Michael Che: Hi, Carrie. So, how was your holidays?

Carrie: Awesome. Yeah, I bit into a cherry chocolate and there was alcohol inside of it. But don’t worry Michael, I wasn’t driving.

Michael Che: So, Carrie, what are some destinations where people can head this winter?

Carrie: Oh, I’m glad you asked me Michael. [Cut to Carrie] A destination will impress is none other than my uncle’s house in Lincoln, Nebraska. It’s got a fridge in the garage, a dog on it’s way out with both his eyes that look like milky moons. And an elliptical where I saw boys bathing suit was drying. And Michael… [Cut to Carrie and Michael Che] Michael… There was a net inside.

Michael Che: Alright Carrie. I was thinking of warmer destination. Like a beach.

Carrie: Oh. Got you. [Cut to Carrie] Well, you wan fun in the sun then head to Muskegon, Michigan. We had a magical night at my cousin’s basketball tournament where I drank a Red Gator and which made me look like I was wearing lipstick. And then, I took a wrong turn into the boys locker room where I saw a big boy changing. And Michael… [Cut to Carrie and Michael Che] Michael… On his belly, there was hairs.

[Carrie taps on Michael Che’s hand for attention]

Michael Che: Okay. Um, what about somewhere like Florida. You ever been to Florida?

Carrie: Oh, baby! Have I, right girls? Oh, I was the queen of the Panhandle visiting my mom’s aunt Agnus. Michael, she is living the life. [Cut to Carrie] Her bed is in the living room. And it has a remote control. Oh, what? Am I dreaming? And she gave me a candy for every page of the bible that I read out loud to her. And do you know what it says in the bible? [Cut to Carrie and Michael Che] Michael… Michael… Jesus rode an ass. [laughing] That’s been getting me for days.

Michael Che: Well, Carrie, it sound like you had a great winter break.

Carrie: Well, not New Year’s eve.

Michael Che: Oh! Why didn’t you like New Year’s eve?

Carrie: Because my cousin gave me Mountain Dew soup, Michael.

Michael Che: What? Mountain Dew soup?

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Well, it’s Mountain Dew in a bowl that you eat with a spoon. And I had too much and then I ran into a sliding glass door.

[Cut to Carrie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh, no!

Carrie: Yeah. And then I barfed.

Michael Che: Carrie!

Carrie: And it was green so everyone called me Slimer.

Michael Che: Carrie Krum, everybody.

Carrie: Halsie gave me five bucks.