Murdur Durdur

Alex Moffat

Care… Kate McKinnon

Policeman… Bowen Yang

Owen… Beck Bennett

Woman… Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a movie intro. Alex and Care are investigating a murder]

Male voice: In a small town somewhere between New York and DC.

Alex: County sent me to see this investigation.

Male voice: Comes another story of grizzled lady detective.

Care: Cell me Care. Everybody else does.

Bowen: A jogger found the body over there.

Alex: What do we know so far?

Care: I don’t know we know. All I know is what we don’t know.

Male voice: With a very specific accent.

[Care looks at the dead body’s face]

Care: Oh, no. I know her. It’s Owen’s dudur (daughter).

Alex: Durdur?

Care: Did I stir? The durdur has been murdered.

Alex: Oh, daughter.

Male voice: You’ve seen dead teens in New York, Chicago and Boston. But what about another city with very specific white? Pennsylvania whites.

[Two police officers ad eating

Care: Would you quit eating wawa hoagies over the body, please?

Police officers: Sorry, boss.

Male voice: From the makers of “Mare of Easttown” and “It’s always sunny in Philadelphia”, comes–

[Owen comes in]

Owen: No. Is it my durdur?

Care: Owen, she’s murdered.

Owen: They murdered my durdur?

Care: I’m afraid so.

Owen: [falls on his knees] My durdur! My baby durdur, and they murdered her!

Male voice: Murder Durdur, an extremely Pennsylvania crime show.

Care: I’m going to Yngling to take the edge off.

Owen: Oh, thanks Care.

Male voice: Highly accurate”, says the Delco-Daily. “The writers clearly googled. They knew the foods and the towns.”

[The detectives are looking at the map]

Bowen: Thur in this third matches the stin down the Daninton.

Care: The roras for Pesho Casen.

Bowen: Pesco cho hankin?

Care: No, Pesho Casen. Over by the Jangoff bridge.

Alex: Great. And you guys can spell that for me later?

Male voice: Starring an actress with a messy ponytail that says “Forget, I’m actually British.”

[Cut to Care interrogating a woman]

Care: Mandi (Monday) night, how did she get hum (home).

Woman: I told you. She got um on her own.

Care: Show me your phone.

Woman: Fine. But I ain’t murder no one’s durdur. I have no idea how she ended up in the wooter (water).

Care: What wooter?

Male voice: The New York time says, “So authentically Pennsylvania, I’m assuming. Absolutely everyone was related to each other.”

Bowen: Look, Care, I know why you’re a cop. Because your pop was a cop. And your pop pop was a cop. And your pop pop’s pop pop was the original Philly fanatic. It’s not your fault your son drowned in the schuylkill on purpose.

Alex: How does he know all that?

Care: Because he is my cousint (cousin). And he’s my cousint [pointing at another guy]. And that’s my ex-husbands (husband) [pointing at another guy]. And that girl–

Heidi: Hey, Care.

Alex: Let me guess, your cousint?

Care: No. It’s my grandurr.

Alex: Granddaughter? How old are you?

Care: I’m Philly 40.

Male voice: Constantly overcast. A creek and three bad homes. And moments of true suspense.

[Alex and Care are in the woods at night with flash lights. They hear something moving.]

Alex: Wait, is that the killer?

Care: No, that’s just Gritty.  [Someone’s wearing full Gritty costume and running way] Hey, Gritty, go flyers! [Gritty waves his hand] [Cut to Owen walking into the police station]

Owen: Cap, I’m going to murder whoever murdered my durdur.

Care: Owen. I don’t know who did your durdur’s murder, alright?

[a pastor walks in with a girls bicycle]

Pastor: I need some help. I’m father Delbert, you durdur and I were friends.

Care: Oh! Okay. So, he did it. He is the durdur murderer.

Pastor: You got me.

Male voice: Murdur durdur, this is where Joe Biden is from. Wow.

Weekend Update on Woman’s Selfie Accident

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a bridge at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A woman in California was injured after she fell 60 feet while trying to take a selfie from a bridge. Worse, she not long has a good side.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: White House unveiled Melania Trump’s official portrait this week and it turns out she posed in front of same giant spider web that I did back in 5th grade. [Picture changes to baby Colin Jost.] [Picture changes to People’s magazine]

Well, it’s official. Barry Manilow is gay.

Michael Che: Official? [laughing]

Colin Jost: This story was first reported in the comment section of his YouTube videos.

[Picture changes to a woman’s sillhoutte.]

An 28 year old woman in Romania has reported auctioned her virginity to a Hong Kong businessman for $2.5 million, which is the second worse thing someone has done for money this week. [Picture changes to Kylie Jenner’s picture from Pepsi ad.] [Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of rhino and Ohio state at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials at Cleveland zoo have announced that one of the critically endangered black rhinos is pregnant. Still no word on if she plans to keep it.

[Picture changes to

New research shows that the first 59% of people on their chocolate Easter bunnies are the ears. While the rest are like, “Me and go straight for that butt.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Yahoo and Aol logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Yahoo and Aol will combine to form a new company because no one wants to die alone. [cheers and applause] [Picture changes to manatees]

And Manatees. [One audience cheer hard] [Michael Che laughing] You own one? Manatees have recently been upgraded from endangered to merely threatened. So, for a limited time only, the McManatee is back. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on A Day Without a Woman

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of ‘A Day Without Woman’ march logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This Wednesday was a day without a woman, sponsored by Jergens Lotion.

[Cut to Jergens lotion ad video bumper. There’s a bottle of Jergens and a box of napkins.]

Male voice: Jergens, you know what it’s for.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jenifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Jennifer Lopez is now dating Alex Rodriguez. J. Lo and A-Rod go by the cool celebrity couple name of, you guessed it, Atlennifex Lodripez.

[Picture changes to Florida state map]

For second year in a row, the happiest city in the country is Naples, Florida. While the least happy city is once again, Puppy Funeral, Minnesota.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of calendar marked on the second week of March at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Last week was world orphan week. To you orphans out there, better luck next year.

[Picture changes to O.J. Simpson]

O.J. Simpson could be released from prison as soon as this fall. And, ladies, he’s single.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of WAFFLE HOUSE logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The co-founder of the Waffle House passed away this week at the age of 97. He died the way so many Waffle House patrols have– a knife fight in the parking lot.

PottyPM

Man… Kyle Mooney

Woman… Jennifer Lopez

[Starts with a man trying to sleep at night]

Man: Do you ever find yourself in this situation? It’s the middle of the night and you’ve to go to the bathroom. But it’s so cold. You’ré tired. And the toilet seems just too far away. Are you going to try hold in it for the rest of the night?

[The man is looking at the toilet and nodding]

Well, you don’t have to anymore.

[Cut to the man introducing the product]

Introducing, Potty PM. Now, you can do your business while staying nestled under your covers. And the only place you’ll be going is dreamland. Potty PM technology is so easy to use. Just clamp our patented discharge nozzle to your toilet seat. Walk the Potty PM hose back into the bedroom. Place your privates into the Potty PM feeder. Buckle up and tuck yourself in for a good night’s sleep. When it’s that time, all you have to do is let it flow. Potty PM, it’s that easy.

[A woman joins the man]

Woman: And how does it work for women?

Man: What’s that?

Woman: Is that also for women?

Man: Yeah.

Woman: Good, ‘cause we have to go in the middle of the night, too. So how does it work?

[Cut to the man]

Man: You put the tube inside of your—

Woman: Inside?

[Cut to the man and woman]

Man: Isn’t there like a flap so you could like—

Woman: Excuse me?

Man: Is it the— clitoris?

Woman: What?

Man: The clitoris?

Woman: No, urine comes out of the urethra. You have one, too.

Man: Oh, yes, now I remember. Yes, the Potty PM for women would work, like, you, like, tie it. And then—because butt has nothing to do with it, right? Wait, how many holes does the girl have again?

Woman: You know what?> Maybe Potty PM is just something for guys.

Man: That’s okay?

Woman: Yeah! It’s fine.

Man: Potty PM. It’s just for guys. And girls can sleep on the toilet.