Tag: Womens

Womens Commercial

[Starts with three women standing and talking on camera]

Chloe: I want to express myself because I’m young and hard and I want to show it.

Melissa: And I want to look as young as I feel.

Sarah: But anti aging creams and hair dyes have harmful chemicals that just aren’t me.

Melissa: Because I’m eco friendly and a little funky too.

All: What did we do?

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Both: Sounds like you need gray adult pigtails.

Kate: Number one hairstyle for whimsical women of a certain age.

Aidy: Whether you’re a puppeteer…

Kate: A pet psychic…

Aidy: Or someone’s aunt’s therapists wife.

Kate: You need a hairstyle that says “People are going to be talking about me for years after meeting me for five minutes.”

Aidy: Because you’re unique.

Kate: You love art.

Aidy: And you want people to see you and think “Got it.”

Kate: So grab two elastics and change your life with gray adult pigtails.

Aidy: Because you never stopped smoking pot. Why should your hair? Pair it with…

Kate: A Cranberries t shirt…

Aidy: Children’s to-to…

Kate: This bag.

Aidy: Denim overalls, naked underneath…

Kate: And Rasta hat in culturally neutral color.

[cut to Heidi]

Heidi: You wish you could be this whimsical? I look how incense smells. I grow all my own food but my electric bill for twinkle lights would blow your mind.

[Cut to Natasha]

Natasha: I have a boyfriend who comes over once a week. He lives in the woods, keeps bongos in his truck and is very much a sculptor.

[boyfriend walks in]

Richard: Hey, pussycat.

Natasha: Richard baby, how’d you sculpt and go today?

Richard: Hmm, I don’t know. [pulls in a bad sculpture] Do these sharp rusty beauties answer your question?

Natasha: Oh, Richard baby. You’re a genius. I love your mind even more than your body.

Richard: And you know what else she loves? My great adult pig tail [showing his pigtail beard].

Natasha: That’s right, they’re not just for ladies. They’re for Richard too.

[cut back to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: You are married to that golf playing doctor for way too long. You want to attract the right kind of man.

Aidy: When I put my gray hair way up high, I immediately got an amazing boyfriend.

Kate: Me too. The same one.

[Richard walks in]

Aidy: Yeah, we’re all dating Richard. He’s like if a guy was magic and we’ll love him forever.

Kate: Nine years ago, we met at a white Buddhist temple for swingers.

Aidy: Yeah, and he’s a freak for these gray adult pigtails.

Richard: What can I say? Can’t ride a bike with no handle bars.

All: [blushing] Come on, Richard!

[Asian girl walks in]

Asian girl: Are we talking about piggy ties?

[cheers and applause]

Look what I made. It’s an extremely sharp metal guitar.

Kate: You know what we should do. Let’s blow the metal roof off this place. Hit it.

[asian girl playing guitar]

All: [singing] The seasons, they go round and round
and the painted moldings, they go up and down

Male voice: Grey adult pigtails. Find them at any natural health booster?

Womens Talk Show

Ego Nwodim

Charlette… Cecily Strong

Dee-dee… Heidi Gardner

Maney… Aidy Bryant

Doctor… Owen Wilson

[Starts with the show intro]

[Cut to the show stage. There are four women sitting at the table.]

Ego: Welcome back to The Talking where we discuss everything that women can have an opinion about at EgoEgo:Dee-dee0 in the morning. Later, we’ll talk about Biden’s infrastructure bills, but first, Crock Pot lasagne. This sounds gross to me. Anyone else?

Charlette: You know, I have a question. What’s an air fryer? What is it?

Dee-dee: Ladies, if something’s fried, I won’t eat it.

Ego: Dee-dee, don’t talk like that.

Maney : Now look, as you all know, my husband is very well endowed, okay? And he actually cooks dinner for us and he loves the air fryer.

Charlette: Okay, here’s what I don’t get. How does air fry something? How does air make it fry?

Maney : Charlette, none of us know. And I don’t really love how you asked that.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Ego: Okay. Okay. Ladies, moving on, the stock market.

All: Hmm.

Dee-dee: I like it.

Charlette: See, I do too.

Maney : I don’t know if you ladies know this but–

Charlette: Don’t say it.

Maney : Well, you don’t know what I’m going to say.

Ego: Alright, go ahead.

Maney : Okay. My husband is very well endowed

Charlette: Yea, you just said that.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Ego: Ladies, please, enough. Enough.

[a doctor walks in]

Doctor: [to Dee-dee] Hello. I’m sorry. I need to inform you of your covid test results.

Dee-dee: Oh, hi. Here?

Doctor: Yes, ma’am. I just received them and this is where you are. So, I brought them here. I’m gonna have to confirm some information.

Dee-dee: Okay. Do we have to do this on air?

Doctor: Yea. It has to be on TV for HIPAA reasons. We either can’t tell anybody or have to tell everybody. No middle ground.

Dee-dee: Okay.

Doctor: Can I have your full name?

Dee-dee: Dee-dee Calresian.

Doctor: Correct. Date of birth.

Dee-dee: May EgoDee-deeth.

Doctor: May EgoDee-deeth what?

Dee-dee: Nineteen… eighty… two.

Ego: Damn Dee-dee, you’re younger than you look.

Dee-dee: Thanks! Wait. Hey!

Doctor: And what have you done in the last 72 hours?

Dee-dee: Like, in general?

Doctor: Yes.

Dee-dee: Came to work, googled myself. I don’t know.

Doctor: Very well. Unfortunately, your covid test came back positive. So, I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with me.

Dee-dee: No! Well, bye everybody.

Ego: Well, viewers, it looks like Dee-dee had a breakthrough case. It happens. Obviously we’ve all been vaccinated dozens, dozens, dozens of times.

Maney : Yeah, wow! Well, she is going to be sad to miss this next segment. Because today, we’re talking to the leader of the Vatican himself, the Pope.

Ego: No. Help me out here. Is it the Pope or da’ Pope?

Maney : I think it’s just Pope.

Charlette: I can’t keep up.

Ego: Well, look. In just a minute, Pope is gonna tell us about his foreign plans. Do you ladies switch your purse for fall? I don’t.

Charlette: I only switch for summer. Are we doing Halloween this year?

Maney : Yea, my tree’s up.

[Doctor walks in again]

Oh, okay. The man is back

Doctor: [to Maney ] Yea, ma’am, I need to speak with you to do some contact tracing. Have you been in contact with anyone who has had tested positive for covid in the past 72 hours?

Maney : Well, you just took Dee-dee away for having covid.

Doctor: Good memory. Can you confirm your name?

Maney : Yea. Maney Talkin.

Doctor: And your number of sexual partners?

Maney : Oh. Just one.

Doctor: Okay. That’s not what I have here.

Maney : I’m sorry. Could we go to commercial?

Charlette: Oh, they’re saying we ran out.

Maney : Of commercials?

Doctor: Well, the bad news is one of you ladies also tested positive but I understand you’re on live TV. So, I wanna be discreet about this. I think I’m just gonna put my hand on the head of the person who has covid.

[Doctor slowly puts his hand on Maney ‘s head]

Maney : Okay. Bye, everyone.

Ego: Wow! Well, this is very bizarre because I cannot stress enough how many times we’ve all been vaccinated.

Charlette: Countless times.

Ego: Well, let’s go on to our next topic, women buying their own engagement ring?

Charlette: I think the boy should buy it.

[The doctor walks in again and holds Charlette]

Well, sir?

Doctor: I’m sorry. We’re gonna have to remove you but I didn’t want to make a big deal of it.

Charlette: I’ve got covid?

Doctor: No. You have HPV.

Charlette: Does that mean I can’t be on TV?

Doctor: It does.

[Ego is alone on the table now]

Ego: Wow. Okay, well, looks like it’s just me now. Okay, wait, no. I’m getting word. Good news is they were false positives. Not the HPV though. See you next time!

Womens Theater

Molly… Melissa Villaseñor

Mikey Day

Curtis… Andrew Dismukes

Regina King

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Molly giving her presentation in school]

Molly: And with that extra floor, we can have extra classrooms and another gym.

Mikey: Okay, thank you Molly for that presentation on why our school should be taller. We’ll definitely think about it. Alright, we have one final performance in our assembly here today. Now sadly, the magician that was going to tech you about the dangers of J Walking couldn’t make it.

Curtis: No!

Mikey: I know, but we’re very lucky that an amazing backup was available instead. They are a feminist theater ensemble that performas feminist monologues at 11 PM at an underground book store that serves moscato. I wouldn’t take you to that show, but I invited them to do an age appropriate version for you guys and we are thrilled. So, without further due, Fembox.

[Fembox walk in. They are three.]

Regina: Hot and wet, my source of life
Soft place to land for his member
my elbow blossom
hairy and magical
touching my elbow at night
playing, learning
my elbow is my own
I only have one elbow

Molly: She only has one elbow?

Mikey: Oh god!

Kate: What’s with kids these days? Waxing their elbows?
In my day, we didn’t even know what an elbow was till our wedding night
and then you felt, “Wow, that thing’s got a mind of it’s own

Chris: Hah?

Curtis: They’re talking about their elbows but they’re pointing to their laps.

Aidy: Ay, tough girls got elbows too, okay?
Mine’s like a chevy bel air
it’s got a glaze on it like a creme donut
smells like WD-40
and you know what? You know who loved it?
every man I ever met

Heidi: [to Mikey] I thought you said they could change their material.

Mikey: I guess they changed it as little as humanly possible.

Regina: Our elbows, they birth our babies, they please our men, they gush the blood of life
Curtis: Do they?

Regina: Secret powers between my thighs,
my charisma, my juice, my joy, my fruit,
my secret South Carolina, my beautiful elbow

Chris: That ain’t even rhyme. These old ladies are messed up.

Kate: For the longest time, I was afraid to look at my elbow in the mirror
the other day, I decided to do it, just off the cobwebs
I thought, “Wow, this thing’s huge. And you know what? It ain’t half bad.”

Molly: My mom has big elbows too.

Heidi: That’s great, Molly.

Aidy: 1978, once I find my elbow, I was rubbing it against everything.
The bus, the sofa, air conditioners and every pillow in Poughkeepsie. Hey, hey, hey.

Mikey: Oh my god, they’re not even trying.

Curtis: Do I have a bad elbow?

Heidi: Yeah, I’m not sure this applies to you, Curtis.

Curtis: Yeah, I’m kidding. I figured out what they’re talking about.

Regina: Why do we come up with other names just to avoid saying ‘Elbow’?
Gash, critter, slit, see you next Tuesday

Heidi: That’s so much worse.

Curtis: [giggling] Critter.

Heidi: We’re not going to pay them, right?

Mikey: No, they didn’t ask for our money. Just to use our library. None of them have printers.

Kate: I love my elbow just the way god gave it to me.

Heidi: That’s actually a pretty good message.

Kate: I told my husband, “Look, this is the elbow you married, this is the elbow you’re going to get. And it’s not like you’re going to win any prizes for your four inch flaccid dong.

Heidi: Yeah, never mind.

Mikey: It’s fine. The parents actually had no problem with the penis content.

Aidy: Everybody in this room, you either have an elbow or you came from an elbow.

Regina: Whether your’s is big or small.

Kate: A grilled cheese or a sloppy Joanne.

Aidy: It’s about confidence.

Regina, Kate and Aidy: Confidence.

Aidy: Coz when you love yourself…

Regina: That’s right.

Aidy: You’re going to be surrounded by love.

Kate: You sure are.

Aidy: You are going to have love…

Regina, Kate and Aidy: Up to your vaginas.

[Mikey runs in]

Mikey: Okay. We are done. Sorry, guys. That was not appropriate at all.

Chris: That was actually pretty empowering.

Students: [cheering] Elbows! Elbows! Elbows!