Wonder Woman… Gal Gadot
Leslie Jones
Mother… Cecily Strong
Dre… Kate McKinnon
Megan… Aidy Bryant
[Starts with warriors training] [Cut to Wonder Woman and Leslie sparring]Leslie: Your power grows each day.
Wonder Woman: I was born to fight and save the world from Ares.
Leslie: And you will.
[Mother walks in]Mother: Diana! We have spoken about this. I do not wish you to fight.
Wonder Woman: I must be prepared, mother. For Themyscira is a sanctuary of sisterhood. We must know how to protect ourselves.
All: Here, here.
[Dre and Megan sail in on a boat]Dre: Hello. Hello? Oh, man.
Megan: Oh, wow. Permission to dock, ladies?
Dre: Yeah. Permission to dock. Hey.
[Dre and Megan get out of the boat and walk to Wonder Woman]Megan: Yeah. We’ve been floating out there watching you guys kick ass.
Dre: And I was like, “Megan, paddle that way.” Yeah.
Wonder Woman: How did you find Themyscira?
Dre: Well, we went out on our schooner. We got caught in some kind of vortex.
Megan: Yeah. We’ve been paddling out there for weeks looking for some signs of life.
Dre: We were thinking we’re never going to get home so we started looking for more of our kind.
Megan: Yeah. And it looks like we found a whole island of us.
Wonder Woman: Well, welcome.
Dre: Thank you. Nice to meet you. I guess I’ll cut to the chase. Show a hands, who else here is a les?
[the warriors don’t raise their hands]Is it everyone or do we have a couple of allies.
Megan: Yeah. Okay, so, it’s Megan and Dre. Who else? We got two. We’d love to see that [pointing at Wonder Woman’s hand] hand go up, Diane.
Wonder Woman: I’m not sure I understand.
Dre: Okay. We’re on it. So far for hands, we got Megan, we got Dre. Got to be more. This is outrageous.
Megan: Yeah. Maybe somebody in the back? you with the frosted tips?
Dre: Okay. So, nobody.
Megan: Nobody but the three of us. [hand gesture including Wonder Woman with them]
Wonder Woman: Oh, I didn’t raise my hand.
Megan: Okay, this is a huge letdown for us.
Dre: Again, just coz the whole thing seemed super gay.
Wonder Woman: You should be a couple.
Leslie: Yeah, y’all cute together.
Dre: Okay, we tried.
Megan: We tried.
Dre: It’s a no.
Megan: It’s a no.
Dre: It was not a fit.
Megan: Yeah. Yeah. We spent about half an hour working very hard on each other. And then I finally said, “Are you as miserable as I am?”
Dre: And I nodded.
Wonder Woman: I’m sorry. You are taking this wrong way.
Heidi: Diana is right.
[Melissa is playing with Heidi’s hair]Melissa: Your hair smells like jasmine.
[Heidi and Melissa giggles with each other flirting]Megan: Okay.
Dre: That burns.
Megan: Yeah.
Dre: I mean, what is that? That’s such a waste.
Megan: yeah. And that so easily could transition into such a cool night.
Wonder Woman: I mean I love all my sisters. But when I look at their bodies, all I see is strength and power.
Dre: Yeah, yeah. So, we see the same thing, but we see it on top of us squirming around, followed by a long discussion about our anxieties and our aging parents.
Megan: Yes.
[Melissa and Heidi are laughing]Heidi: I vested you again.
Melissa: Your thighs are too too strong.
Megan: Okay. It’s like we are in a porn, but the plumber is just genuinely there to fix the pipes.
Dre: Dammit! Dammit! No one’s wrong here. It’s just– it’s just unfortunate.
[Wonder Woman puts her hands on each of Dre and Megan’s shoulders]Wonder Woman: Will it help for me to comfort you? For we are all sisters. Lay your heads on my tits. [Wonder Woman puts Dre and Megan’s heads on her breasts.]
Megan: Okay. Do you see why this sucks for us?
Dre: See, this makes it so much worse. Water, water everywhere. Do you understand?
Megan: Yeah.
Wonder Woman: No, I really want to understand. I do. I know. Maybe I should just try and kiss one of you and see if I feel something.
Megan: Okay. I don’t want to play this game. I get too emotionally involved.
Dre: We’re not guinea pigs. We’re not here for you to experiment on. Unless you feel strongly about it.
Megan: Yeah. I mean, you are an amazon and you could overpower us.
Dre: Right. Right. It’s useless for us to try to fight you. So I guess just pick one of us. I’ll do it.
Wonder Woman: Very well.
Dre: Alright. Alright.
[Megan is biting her fingers.] [Wonder Woman kisses Dre. The kiss looks very intimate] [cheers and applause]Wonder Woman: I’m sorry, I feel nothing.
Megan: Okay. And I felt nothing watching.
Dre: Nope. Me neither. Zero. I felt zero from that. So, now we know. Good. Get in the boat. This is too sad.
Megan: Yeah. Okay. Where are we going?
Dre: Away from here.
Megan: Okay. Okay.
[Cut to a cartoon map. A boat reaches an island called Lesbo’s.]Female voice: Land ho! Just be cool. Ladies, ahoy!