Woody Harrelson Monologue

Woody Harrelson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Woody Harrelson.

[Woody Harrelson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Woody Harrelson: Thank you. Thank very, very much. Hello you beautiful people, and you ugly people too. I jest. This country seems so divided, beautiful, ugly, black, white, blue, red. I love everybody. Maybe because I’m a redneck hippie. You know, the red in me thinks you shouldn’t be allowed to own guns. The blue in me thanks squirt guns. So I’m red and blue, which makes purple. I’m purple.

So this is my fifth time doing SNL. And you know what that means? No jacket? Okay. The last time I did SNL was around Thanksgiving 2019, three years ago, and you will not believe what happened after the show. The next day, it was a Sunday, as it always is the day after I do Saturday Night Live, it’s like a pattern I noticed. Anyway, I went walking in the greatest part of this city, Central Park, leaned against the tree and started to read the craziest script. Okay, full disclosure. I smoked a joint first. The reason I like herb more than alcohol is because it makes me feel good, no hangover, and I never wake up covered in blood. But regardless, I have decided to quit smoking pot altogether and I’m sticking with it, till after the show.

Yeah, last week in Austin, I was talking with my friend Nick and we have a lot in common. He wrote “True Detective”, and I was in True Detective. I’m vegan and all the animals he eats are vegan. Anyway, I was complaining about how I start smoking around noon and get progressively dumber as the day unfolds. Forget basic words, simple objects, e-t-cetera. And I was hoping that the wifey Poo might say, “Oh, no, that’s not true.” But instead she says, “At least you’re aware of it.” And I say, “Well, that doesn’t feel like much consolation.” And she says, “Think of all the dumb people who don’t know they’re dumb. You’re ahead of them.” “Um, thanks hun.”

But on top of the herb, are we a bit of a drinker? I don’t know why I went Irish there. Anyway. But in a personal triumph, last year I had seven months with no alcohol, and five glorious months.

Anyway, what are we talking about? Oh, yeah, it’s telling you about that script. So I blaze a fatty which I got in LA at my dispensary, The Woods. I mean, obviously, I didn’t transport the herb from California to New York, because that’s highly illegal. My manager Jeremy did. He muled it from LA. Speaking of Jeremy, he’s here tonight. He’s newly single, ladies. Very handsome. I know he would prefer I talk about our movie “Champions”. It’s coming out in two weeks. Comedic masterpiece. But I’m not here to sell “Champions”. It sells itself. Projections have it making more than avatar. But whatever. I’m no salesman.

Yeah. Where was I? Yeah. Okay. So three years ago, Center Park, Sunday morning, the Lord’s day, trying to resist the temptation to puff too early in the day. Of course, I succumb. Like a lot of people I have a devil on one shoulder. And on the other shoulder. I have a larger, more frightening devil. And there’s a battle going on in here. I’m just saying that I am many different things. Anarchist, Marxist, Ethical hiddenness, non discriminatory empath, epistemological deconstructionist Texan. But back to the tree in Central Park and that script. Put yourselves in my place. Lay the curb of your neck against the roots of the tree. What kind of tree was it? I mean, what kind of trees they have in Central Park? Oh, yeah, it was a palm tree. So lay your head on the palm, fire up a hooter from Jeremy, and start reading. Okay, so the movie goes like this. The biggest drug cartels in the world get together and buy up all the media and all the politicians and force all the people in the world stay locked in their homes. And people can only come out if they take the cartels drugs and keep taking them over and over. I threw the script away. I mean, who is gonna believe that crazy idea being forced to do drugs? I do that voluntarily all day long.

Anyway, it’s about that time. Come on. Still no jacket. Okay. Well, we got a great show for you tonight. Jack White is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.