Woody Harrelson 1989 Monologue

Woody Harrelson

Liam Hemsworth

Josh Hutcherson

Jennifer Lawrence

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Woody Harrelson.

[The band is playing music] [1 walks in and to the stage.] [cheers and applause]

Woody Harrelson: Thank you. Thank you. It’s so great to be standing here. In fact, there’s 25 years almost to the day since the first time I hosted Saturday Night Live in 1989. I just heard Taylor Swift album which is called 1989. But with all due respect to miss Swift, I think I know a little bit more about 1989 than she does.

[Someone hands over Woody Harrelson a guitar]

Ah! Thank you. Even if the memories are a little fuzzy, because of the drugs.

[Woody Harrelson starts playing guitar and singing like the song ‘Blank Space’]

Seemed like it would last forever
1989
The Berlin Wall fell down
Cher sang Turn Back Time
Michael Keaton, he was Batman
I’m not sure who was president
I think I had a molly
After that I just forget
Oh, wait! I remember
I was on a show called Cheers
Then I won an Emmy
then got drunk on million beers
thought I met Margaret Thatcher
but it was Sadam Hussain
then I got a blank space baby
coz I used to do cocaine

This is a little bit, you know, I mean it was 1989. Wow!

[2 and 3 walk in and hug Woody Harrelson] [cheers and applause]

Hey man! Last man in year. I haven’t seen you guys since– what was that– we did that thing together. What was..

Speaker 3: The Hunger Games, man!

Speaker 2: Hunger Games.

Woody Harrelson: Oh, yeah, yeah! You guys here to help me sing the Taylor Swift song about it? 1989?

Speaker 3: Well, actually, we weren’t even alive in 1989.

Speaker 1: What? How old are you guys?

Speaker 2: Well, I’m Twentyfour. He’s twentwo.

Speaker 1: Oh, my god! I thought you guys were like, in your early fourtys.

Speaker 3: No, we just know the stuffs you told us about 1989. Like, the Berlin Wall was torn down by the Kool-Aid Man.

Speaker 2: Einstein invented wifi.

Speaker 1: [laughing] I told you that in 1989, Einstein invented wifi? That is crazy.

Speaker 4: Guys. [4 walks in] [cheers and applause]

Woody Harrelson: Oh, my god!

[Woody Harrelson hugs 4’s leg]

Speaker 4: What’s happening?

Speaker 1: I can’t believe. I mean, the real Taylor Swift. [audience laughing]

Speaker 4: Woody, I’m not Taylor Swift.

Speaker 1: Hah?

Speaker 4: I’m Jennifer. We’ve done about ten Hunger Games movies together.

Speaker 1: So, yeah. I didn’t recognize you without the big purple hair.

Speaker 2: No, no, no! Woody, that’s no–

Speaker 4: Not worth it.

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and 4]

Speaker 1: So, you gonna help me sing this, Jen? Or what?

Speaker 4: I don’t really think anyone wants to hear me sing. [cheers and applause] No! No! I wasn’t saying that to get your support. I don’t care. Just, when I sing, I sound like a deer that has been caught in a fence.

[Cut to 2 and 3]

Speaker 2: I would say it’s more like a dog being hit by a truck.

Speaker 3: Well, like one of those goat that screams like a human. [3 screams] [Cut to everybody]

Speaker 4: I think I get the point. Yes. Woody, if you wanna sing about 89 and you don’t remember the details, just, you know, keep it vague.

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and 4]

Yeah! It’s like you always say. “Hey, man! You always over think it. You just gotta [blabbers].” You’re always so stoned.

[Cut to everybody]

Speaker 1: That does sound like a great advice. Okay. Two, three, four…

[music playing]

89 is forever
never, it will never die

[2 and 3 sing backup harmony]

there was probably a winter
there was also 4th of July

Everybody: Everybody had a birthday
England probably had a queen
Now it’s twentyfive years later

Woody Harrelson:  The year, twentysixteen.

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and 4]

Speaker 4: twentysixteen, huh?

Woody Harrelson: Oh! This is so silly. I’m telling you guys, I smoked a lot of herb before I came here tonight.

[Cut to everybody]

Alright, we got a great show tonight. Kendrick Lamar is here. Stick around and we will be right back. .

Weekend Update Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson on True Detective.docx

Colin Jost

Matthew McConaughey… Taran Killam

Woody Harrelson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: HBO starting production of it’s season two of it’s critically acclaimed series, “True Detective.” Here with their thoughts, on the stars of season one, Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson.

[Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey slide in] [cheers and applause]

Woody Harrelson: How are you, Colin? Thank you for having us.

Matthew McConaughey: We’re no star, Josto.

Colin Jost: Now, Matthew, I’m a big fan of Interstellar.

Matthew McConaughey: Interstellar’s a big fan of you. [Cut to Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey] Coz at the end of the day, we’re all interconnected. Coz time is a flat circle. Future, present, goes to girlfriend’s past.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Colin Jost: Well, they’re starting season two and I gotta say, we’re gonna miss you guys on the series, you know?

Woody Harrelson: Oh, it’s nice of you, Colin. [Cut to Woody Harrelson adn Matthew McConaughey] We always knew it was gonna be a one and done situation.

Matthew McConaughey: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Can’t go on and on to the breaking dawn. Coz we are the creatures of the night. Vampires, tsk-khii! Blood suckers. And when the cock crows, “Cuc-koo”, poof! Dust in the wind.

Woody Harrelson: I couldn’t have said that better myself, Matthew.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Colin Jost: I don’t think anyone could have said it like that. Now, you two have been friends for a long time. Is that why you decided to do the show together?

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Woody Harrelson: Yeah, yeah! I like working with Matthew. He really goes for it. I mean, he insisted on running his line fully nude.

Matthew McConaughey: You got to.

Woody Harrelson: Yeah! He ate lunch, fully nude.

Matthew McConaughey: Just so that open free air…

Woody Harrelson: And he even acted fully nude. They had to CGI clothes on him.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Woody Harrelson adn Matthew McConaughey]

Colin Jost: Does that help your process?

Matthew McConaughey: What are actors, Co-Jo? [Cut to Woody Harrelson adn Matthew McConaughey] Truth finders. Answer getters. How many lakes does it take till you get to the center of the Tutsi park, three. How do I know? The owl told me. Hoo-hoo!

[Cut to Colin Jost, Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Colin Jost: What owl?

Matthew McConaughey: Exact-mondo!

Colin Jost: Do you have any advise for Vince Bond and Colin Farrell? The new cast of “True Detective?”

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Woody Harrelson: Those guys are great actors. They’ll be fine. But, rule number one, trust your co-star.

Matthew McConaughey: Amen, brother.

Woody Harrelson: Yeah, this man took me on a journey. Two roads diverge and me and Matthew didn’t take either one.

Matthew McConaughey: Exactly. Because we… zeeeeee, travel by zipline. Brothers in battle. The Luigi to my Mario. I find a mushroom, pop-pop-pop-pop. Now, I’m bigger and he’s spitting fireballs. Du-du-du-du-du, Du-du-du-du-du. Pop on the turtle’s backs, send him into the base. I guess one man can jump.

Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey: Alright, alright, alright.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Colin Jost: Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson, everybody.

Matthew McConaughey: This one’s my soulmate.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael. Good night.

The Dudleys

Mrs. Dudley… Kate McKinnon

Mr. Dudley… Beck Bennett

Another Mr. Dudley… Woody Harrelson

Jacquees Dudley… Kenan Thompson

Crazy Eyes… Uzo Aduba

[Starts with a an introduction to a TV show, showing a mom, dad and their daughters]

Male voice: What do you get when you take one working mom, add a fragile staying home dad, and mix in their two goofy girls? Fridays at 9, it’s America’s favorite new fall comedy, “The Dudleys!” They are family, but they are also out of control.

[Cut to Mrs. Dudley walking in]

Mrs. Dudley: Hmm, I smell a pot roast.

[Cut to daughters sitting on a couch and the husband talking from the kitchen]

Mr. Dudley: You sure do, and I used my favorite recipe. Take out.

[Cut to Mrs. Dudley pointing at Mr. Dudley and laughing]

Male voice: But we have received the complaints about the show. You tweeted, “It’s Mr. Dudley0Mrs. DudleyJacquees Dudley. Why can’t any of The Dudleys be gay?” Well, we heard you loud and clear. And that’s why we’ve made Mr.s Dudley another Mr. Dudley.

[Cut to another Mr. Dudley walking in]

Another Mr. Dudley: So, I smell pot roast and it smells D-to the-lish.

Male voice: But then you tweeted, “Why the new Mr. Dudley such a stereotype?” Well, we heard you loud and clear. So, we dialed it down.

[Cut to Another Mr. Dudley walking in]

Another Mr. Dudley: I smell food. Cool.

Male voice: “But now, Mr. Dudley sounds like a straight robot.” So, we dialed back up to gay five.

[Cut to Another Mr. Dudley walking in]

Another Mr. Dudley: Ooh! My gay nose smells pot roast.

Male voice: Perfect! “But it’s Mr. Dudley0Mrs. DudleyJacquees Dudley, why do both Mr. Dudleys have to be white?” That’s why, stay at home dad, Ron Dudley is not Jacquees dudley.

[Cut to Jacquees Dudley and Another Mr. Dudley sitting on a sofa]

Jacquees Dudley: Honey, how was court today?

Another Mr. Dudley: Let’s just say I played defense.

Jacquees Dudley: There’s that funny guy I married.

[Another Mr. Dudley and Jacquees Dudley hug]

Male voice: “Hugging? Why can’t a gay couple show a real intimacy on TV?” We heard you loud and clear.

[Cut to Another Mr. Dudley and Jacquees Dudley on the sofa]

Another Mr. Dudley: Let’s just say, I played defense.

Jacquees Dudley: There’s the funny guy I married.

[The lights change and a romantic music starts playing. Another Mr. Dudley and Jacquees Dudley start touching each other.

Male voice: Fantastic. But then you had complains about the daughters.

[Cut to Daisy Dudley walking in in a ballet dancer costume.]

Daisy Dudley: Daddies, I’m gonna be late for my ballet residual.

Male voice: You tweeted, “Oh, cuz if you’re a girl, you have to like ballet?” That’s why, instead little Daisy Dudley in now a staff Sargent in the United States Marine Core.

[Cut to Daisy Dudley walking in in a marine uniform.]

Daisy Dudley: Daddies, I’m gonna be late for Afghanistan.

Male voice: And what about little Dora Dudley? “Why can’t she be crazy eyes from ‘Orange is the New Black?’ We like that character.” Roger that.

[Cut to Another Mr. Dudley sitting on a sofa]

Another Mr. Dudley: Dora, it’s time for bed.

[Crazy Eyes comes in]

Crazy Eyes: Anything for you, Daddy. [Crazy Eyes starts licking Another Mr. Dudley’s cheeks]

Male voice: There you have it. Thanks to your tweets and emails, we made The Dudley family for everyone. Or so we thought… Because then we started getting your letters. Like, actual paper mails. And those complains were very different. You said, “Where did the whites go?” “Too many fruit loops!!!!” “There aren’t my Dudleys. Ps. Repeal Obamacare.” That’s why, Fridays at 8, the original Dudleys are back. Because we always hear all of you loud and clear.

Old New York

Bobby Moynihan, Kenan Thompson, Taran Killam, Woody Harrelson

[Starts with four men having a drink]

Bobby: I’m telling you, boys, this city has changed for the worst.

Kenan: It’s unbelievable. I can’t tell you the last time I had a decent slice of pizza here.

Taran: Yeah, forget about it. Remember, Mod Nelly’s on 9th. Best sauce in the city, hands down.

Bobby: Oh, hands down.

Kenan: And now, it’s replaced by a damn dog spa. I men, what the hell is that?

Taran: I’ll tell you what it is. It’s a crime and a shame. Ay, let me ask you this. When was the last time you had a good knish?

Kenan: Couldn’t tell ya.

Bobby: Yeah, you know, you can’t find a decent knish in the city but I’ll tell you, you can get a friggin froyo every 13 feet.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Yeah, remember the crack?

[audience laughing]

Kenan: What?

Woody: Crack. I mean, have you had it lately? It’s awful.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Like, smoking crack?

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: I mean, that’s if you gonna even find it. But like you said, there’s friggin froyo everywhere. You know?

Kenan: You know what I miss?

Woody: Crack?

Kenan: No. New York city hotdogs.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Kenan: Real dogs. Bright red with a good snap. Spicy mustard!

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Um-hmm.

Taran: There used to be a good hotdog cart on every corner. But now, it’s all just Korean barbecue and tacos.

Bobby: Yeah, when did New York city become the friggin taco capital of the world.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Man, you can clearly like taste the difference, let alone the high is kind of twitchy.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Taran: What high?

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: The crack high. It tasted better, lasted longer and cost less. It’s almost like they know would you settle for any crack.

Kenan: Ay man, what the hell you talking about?

Woody: I’m saying what you guys are saying. That the city has changed.

Kenan: Well, no, you’re not.

Woody: Yeah, you said the pizza thing. And then you’re talking about the knishes and who I can’t remember said something about crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Taran: You! You brought up crack. Again. We don’t smoke crack.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: And I don’t blame you. It’s not as good.

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: Alright buddy, just stop bringing it up.

Woody: Alright, jeez. [Cut to Kenan and Woody] I mean, we’re all talking. It’s a free country.

Kenan: I miss the respect. Kids used to have respect in this city.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Absolutely, but not anymore. Now, every time I get on the subway, I see some punk sitting down and some old lady standing up.

Taran: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Not to mention that the price to ride the subway is just insane.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Tell me about it. It’s like where do you even find crack at this time a day?

Kenan: Hey, man. We warned you.

Woody: I mean on a subway for what they charging us to ride a damn thing, you think they give us just a little crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: We don’t smoke crack. Okay? Will you just get lost, man?

Taran: Please!

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Oh! I see what this is. I mean, you guys just want to talk to each other. I guess I’m intruding and maybe I should go.

Kenan: Yeah. [00:Woody0:Kenan6]

[Cut to everybody]

Bobby: Yeah, that would be great.

Woody: Very well, then. Good day gentlemen. But before I go, I have to say you’re all under arrest.

Taran: For what?

[Cut to Woody]

Woody: For possession of crack, cocaine. Now, put your drugs on the table.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: We don’t have any crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Wait, is that a vote for native button?

[Cut to Woody showing an election badge.]

Woody: Worth a shot. Good night guys.

[Cut to Bobby, Kenan and Taran]

Bobby: Uh, what a weirdo.

Taran: Yeah, I do miss the meth though.

Bobby: Oh! So much.

Kenan: Oh, meth was my favorite.

[cheers and applause]

New Marijuana Policy

Taran Killam

Pete Davidson

Hippie… Woody Harrelson

[Starts with clip of New York city.]

Male voice: We’re gonna talk about a change in the NYPD’s marijuana enforcement policy. None necessary arrest from minor marijuana–

[Cut to Taran Killam in his news set]

Taran Killam: If caught in public with up to 25 grams of marijuana, you will not be charged or arrested. [Cut to Pete watching the news] But receive what basically comes down to, a slap on the wrist. Truly historic. We go for now to Jake Fugazaki with sports.

[Cut to Pete recalling the news]

Taran Killam: 25 grams, in public, you will not be arrested.

[Pete take a small bag of  marijuana and goes out. He looks around, others are getting out as well. They are showing their marijuana bags to each other.] [Cut to a car that runs over a sidewalk. A woman gets out of the car, the car is filled with smoke.] [Cut to a hippie walking out to the street with his bong.]

Hippie: [screaming] Free. At last!

[Cut toe everybody walking in the street being very happy.] [Cut to a woman walking with a baby stroller. She takes a small bag of marijuana out and shows it to Pete.] [Cut to Pete smiling at the woman] [Cut to everybody walking. They stop in front of two police officers.] [Pete shows a bag of marijuana to the police officers. The police smiles and puts down his hat.] [Everyone is jumping and celebrating.] [The policemen join them too.] [Pete takes a roll out and almost lights it.]

Police: Hey, hey, hey, hey! You can’t smoke that out here.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: But, the new law?

[Cut to the policeman]

Police: Yeah, you can have it. But it’s still illegal to smoke in public. I’ll have to arrest.

[Cut to everybody]

Pete: Oh!

Everybody: [disappointed] Oh!

[Cut to everybody getting disappointed] [Cut to Pete inside his house]

Pete: Maybe, we have the power to change things. We can organize. Persuade law makers to– [music on TV] Oh! Sweet! Rugrats is on.

[Cut to the clip of New York city. Smoke is coming out of every building.]

Match’d

Jerry Tremain… Woody Harrelson

Deseray… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

[Starts with MTV video intro]

Female voice: You’re watching MTV, your DVR must be empty. Next up, it’s Match’d!

[Cut to Match’d show set.]

Jerry: Hello everyone, I’m your host Jerry Tremain and welcome to Match’d where one lucky girl gets to choose from these three guys.

[Cut to the guys] [Cut to Jerry and

Today’s girl is Deseray. Deseray, why don’t you tell us about yourself?

Deseray: I’m horny as hell and here to fix that.

Jerry: Well, that’s one way to start. Let’s get right to it then. Deseray, what’s your first question?\

Deseray: Guy number one, I’m a nasty girl. What would you do to impress me.

Beck: Well, I’m a waiter. So, I know food. I would take you back to my house and show you my special ingredient. My penis.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: Ooh! Sounds ya! Okay, guy number two.

Kyle: Well, I’m also a waiter. But I might as well be a roller coaster, coz I’ll give you the ride of your life and make you scream, from head to butt.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: I like that stuff. Guy number three?

Taran: I’m a waiter as well. But my thing’s about the library. We would go there and check out my doomy decimal system.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Those are some pretty sexual answers, guys.

[Cut to the guys]

Beck: Well, as far as I know, I’m the horniest guy I know, Jerry.

Kyle: And I’m even hornier, Jerry.

Taran: I’m so horny Jerry, I’m about to explode.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Okay, well take this opportunity to learn a little bit more about Deseray. She is from Saint Louis, Messieurs.

[Cut to the guys]

Beck: Oh, yeah!

Taran: I’m horny.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: She’s 18 years old.

[Cut to the guys]

Kyle: That’s so hot right now.

Beck: Yeah!

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: And she’s my daughter.

[Cut to the guys. They are silent.] [audience laughing]

Kyle: What’s up?

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Okay, should we continue? Deseray.

Deseray: Okay, guy number one, just a second ago, you said you were the horniest guy you know.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: No, ma’am. That’s not what I said.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: What’s the best way to turn you on?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Well, first, I would make sure you were fully clothed because I believe a girl’s– when she’s fully clothed, that’s when she’s the most sexy, sir. And then I would ask to meet your mother so that I could check the hand of the woman who brought you into this world.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: Can’t shake hand to the ghost. Guy number two. What’s your idea of a sexy date?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Well, sir, I just want to start off by saying thank you for having me on your show, sir. That’s why I’m merely here after all. To learn about the game show industry and it all comes to together, sir. Like, were you always a game show host, sir?

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: No, before this, I was active duty marine for 25 years. Now, answer the question.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yes, sir. On our date, I would take Deseray to a war memorial, sir. Because it’s important to reflect on our fallen heroes. Especially since it was just Veterous day.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Veterous day?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yes, sir. Veterous day, the day we celebrate our veterous.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Are you saying veterous?

Deseray: Okay, guy number three. You were told to bring me a fun little gift.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Pass!

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: No, you can’t pass. Show it to me in front of my dad

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Oh! Okay, I brought you panties … which belonged to my great grandmother. And I wanted you to have them because I believe in family, sir.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Your grandmother owned crotch-less panties?

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Oh, sir, that hole is just because they’re very old, sir.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: Oh, yes. Guy number one, we had you write me a sexy poem before the show. Can I hear it now?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Would it be possible for me to make some revisions first, ma’am?

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Just read it.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [reading the poem] Roses are red, my balls are blue

why don’t you bend over, so I can see inside you

And so to clarify, my intention was to look all the way up inside her to her beautiful brain.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: That’s physically impossible.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Yes, sir. Good feedback. Might I add, you’re doing a great job of keeping this moving.

[reminder sound] [Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Okay, that sound means it’s part of the show called “The Moment Alone” where I go back stage and give you four a moment alone. See you in a bit.

[Cut to everybody. Jerry leaves the set.] [Cut to the guys]

Taran: Well, is that for real? He’s gone?

[Cut to Deseray]

Deseray: Yeah!

[Cut to the guys]

Taran: Okay, I’m so horny for you. I’m the horniest guy here.

Beck: Not true, because I’m horny for you in front and back. Yes, please.

Kyle: I’m horny but a gentleman. And since you’re a lady, you can go down on me first.

[Cut to everybody. Jerry walks back in.] [Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Alright everyone. How was your moment alone?

[Cut to the guys]

Kyle: Excellent sir. We mostly just let your daughter talk and we listened, sir. She is truly special, sir.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: I agree. Okay, it’s time for a commercial break. When we return, we’ll all watch footage from their moment alone. We’ll be right back with more “Match’d”.

Last Call with Woody Harrelson

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Chip Fister… Woody Harrelson

Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bartender cleaning the booth. There are two customers.]

Bartender: Okay, last call, you two. Order now before I turn on the lights and you really see what’s going on with yourselves.

Chip Fister: Bartender, [Cut to Chip Fister] I have a legal speed ball that’s red bull and ambien.

[Cut to Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: And I’ll take a tequila and condensed milk, please. I’m meeting a friend here tonight, Mr. Al K. Hal. [laughing] [Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Chip Fister: Ah! I see there’s still one dried up old leaf that hasn’t dropped off the tree yet.

[Cut to Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Why don’t you wreck me up in a pile and jump on top of me before you bag me and leave me on the curb for someone else to deal with, huh?

[Cut to Chip Fister]

Chip Fister: Sounds like a job for my leaf blower. Eyebrows, eyebrows, eyebrows.

[Cut to Bartender looking at Chip Fister disgusted.] [Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Hey, is this stool taken? Coz, the one I’m sitting on’s got a nail that’s giving my butt meat the what for.

Chip Fister: Screw it on over. I don’t bite. My poligrip won’t allow it.

[Sheila Sauvage moves near Chip Fister]

Sheila Sauvage: I noticed you over here coz you’re so breathing.

Chip Fister: And I noticed you coz you’re vertical and you have a pepperoni on your neck.

Sheila Sauvage: Then it worked.

[Sheila Sauvage takes the pepperoni out of her neck and eats it.] [Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Okay, let’s wrap it up. Moonlight come and me wanna go home.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage. Sheila Sauvage puts her hand on Chip Fister’s shoulder.]

Sheila Sauvage: Hey, they call me Sheila Sauvage. They being the people who hold bathroom key at White Castle. What’s your mommy yell when she wants you to come home for dinner, huh?

Chip Fister: Chip. Chip Fister. Which is weird because I work as Lays as a chip shifter. I pick out the gross ones.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: You sure do.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Chip Fister: What do you do for a living?

Sheila Sauvage: Oh, me? I replaster unpopular glory holes.

Chip Fister: I think I’ve seen your work.

[Bartender giving them drinks]

Bartender: Alright, alright. Here you go, name and nut. I put them into go cups coz you need to go.

Chip Fister: Wow. I’ve been looking at you all night. You were, uhhh [gesturing average] But now I’m thinking, yeww.

Sheila Sauvage: And you? You had me at when you didn’t leave with the others.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Could you two hurry this up? I gotta get up at the dawn.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Alright. You heard the man. Let’s speed this mama up and take the express train to Penetracia.

Chip Fister: As long as you don’t mind taking a detour through STDetroit.

[Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage start touching each other’s faces]

Sheila Sauvage: Are you feeling what I’m feeling?

Chip Fister: You’re feel it’s an impulse to rech, then yes, but I’m willing to ignore it.

Sheila Sauvage: Wait, hang on. Hang on. Apparently there’s a lot of nasty stuff going around since the CDC.

Chip Fister: And who knows better than the sinner for doing it correctly?

[Sheila Sauvage takes plastic wrap out]

Sheila Sauvage: We need to use protection. Bar keep, I’m gonna borrow a square foot of your cling wrap if that’s okay.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: But that’s not my front.

[Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage]

Sheila Sauvage: Alright.

[Sheila Sauvage covers her face with plastic wrap paper and kisses Chip Fister] [Cut to Bartender looking at them shockingly.] [Cut to Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage kissing with the plastic on.]

Chip Fister: Oh, oh! Hey! Let’s==

Sheila Sauvage: That was unstrordinary.

Chip Fister: I think I dejaculated.

Sheila Sauvage: You know what, buster? We’re gonna live on the edge here. Come on.

[Sheila Sauvage puts the plastic wrap on again]

Chip Fister: Yeah! Hey, let’s break the seal on this deal.

[Chip Fister makes a hole on the plastic]

Sheila Sauvage: I’ve been breached.

[Chip Fister and Sheila Sauvage kiss without the plastic wrap] [Bartender is putting kerosine everywhere]

Bartender: Well, I gotta kill us all, I guess.

[cheers and applause]

Football Halftime Speech

Coach… Woody Harrelson

Taran Killam

Crandle… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with video clip of a football game]

Male voice: At the end of the first half, it’s Garrison 28 and Newton, 21.

[Cut to Newton’s locker room]

Coach: Get in here guys. Now, take a seat. We can win this. Where’s the defense? You all can’t tackle anybody.

Taran: It’s just, coach, it’s harder to tackle with the new rules.

[Cut to the coach.]

Coach: Oh, the new league wide concussion rules. That’s your excuse? Do we need to go over this again? [Cut to everybody] Okay. Fine. Crandle, come on. Get up here.

[Crandle walks in front] [Cut to coach and Crandle]

Now, what is so hard about this? It’s the same tackle you fellas have always done. It’s just a little safer on the nugget. You see a man, right? That’s your target. Okay. So, we wanna plaque, arch that back, shoulders over feet guys, then engage. [coach holds Crandle. Crandle is feeling uncomfortable.] That brings him up. Then as he goes down, you cup the neck open up and down supporting him and lower him gently to the turf like a prince putting his princess to bed. Back of the head–

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Put your princess to bed.

Coach: Good! Now, as he’s going down, we’re gonna want to check handle them. Cran, are you feeling supported?

Crandle: I feel safe, coach.

Coach: Okay, good. Now that he’s on the ground, you assess his cognitive awareness. Does everybody have their pen lights?

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yes, sir!

Coach: Okay. Check their eyes. Remember, if the pupils dilate…

Everybody: You did great!

Coach: Okay. Now, can we do that?

Everybody: Yeah!

Coach: Can you do it?

Everybody: Yes.

Coach: Can you do it cautiously without intent to harm?

Everybody: Yeah!

Coach: Alright, then. And to help, I’ve brought special guest to you. He’s the greatest player to ever come out of Newton High. Please say hello to nine times Pittsburgh steeler, Mr. DC Timmon.

[Mr. DC Timmon walks in. The players are excited.]

Mr. DC Timmon: Alright. Ae, okay. I’m looking around, and I don’t know if y’all really wanna win tonight. Here’s what I’m saying. Forget the new rules. In my day, we never had these rules. You go out there, hit hard. Coz, that’s football. I never had these rules. Because you can forget them really. So, you out there, and you never had these rules, never! And never did! Coz, that’s football. I never football. Never!

[Cut to Mr. DC Timmon showing his hand]

You see this? I got four rings, baby. Four!

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: You’re not wearing any rings.

Mr. DC Timmon: Who said something about some rings? Just leave. One day. This one’s for all of my bros. This is Superbowl. Go out there and never football. Coz, you are all prep members of the New York city jazz, yeah!

[Mr. DC Timmon walks to a door]

Coach: Hey, DC, that’s a closet.

Mr. DC Timmon: Hey, man, I know what it is.

Coach: Yeah, you see? You understand the importance of these new rules? Okay, now I got more good news. We got brand new helmets provided for you by the people.

[A guy brings in the helmets. The helmets are too large for heads.]

You look great. You look great. Okay. Get them on three, one, two, three.

Everybody: Get them.

Coach: One, two, three.

Everybody: Get them.

Coach: Now remember, somebody’s tired out there.

[players trying to run with over sized helmets but can’t go out the door.]

Campfire Song

Christi… Venessa Bayer

Don… Kyle Mooney

Todd… Woody Harrelson

Eva… Leslie Jones

Randy… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with five friends enjoying camp fire.]

Christi: Such a brisk fall evening. I’m so glad I brought all these Chanel throws.

Don: Me too. This camp fire is so cozy. You build a good fire, Todd.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Oh, thanks. I just got lucky.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: You know what this reminds me of? Back when we used to hang out.

Randy: Oh, yeah, it does.

[Cut to everybody]

Todd: Hey, you know what would be great right now? Some camp fire songs.

[Todd brings out a guitar] [Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Oh, yeah. Let’s sing. That sounds fun. Hey, do you know ‘Michael, row your boat ashore’?

Todd: Oh, no. Not really. No. Oh, I know– Maybe, you guys would like this old chestnut. Just join in once you recognize it.

[Todd starts playing guitar and singing]

Apples, apples
apples are a fruit from a tree

Come on, don’t be shy.

Apples, apples
you and me get apples tonight.

You guys still know this?

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: I don’t think so.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Apples, apples,
gather your apples, you’re the cat of the walk

You really don’t know this?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: No.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: You do. You have to.

Apples, apples,
the look in her eyes says everything.

Little louder, guys.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: None of us know this.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Yeah, but you will. Okay, here comes the bridge.

Apples, apples,
you’re falling and growing and rolling and rotting and dying.
in the usual way, in the usual way

Come on, you know this part. [Cut to everybody] it just keeps repeating.

In the usual way

Go, Christi.

[Cut to Christi]

Christi: In the usual way.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: That’s not right. You do it Don.

[Cut to Christi and Don looking shocked.]

Don: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: That’s wrong. Okay, come on everybody. You know you will get it.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Bad job Eva. You try Randy.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: No, you’re not getting it. Let’s just go back to the chorus.

Apples, apples,
in the blink of an eye, you’re larger than life.

[Cut to everybody]

Randy: Todd! Stop it. [Cut to Eva and Randy] None of us know this song, for real.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Yeah, Todd, we don’t know what you’re playing.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Well, I do. I guess you don’t like it so. Watch this.

[Todd throws the guitar into the lake. The water splashes on Christi and Don]

Randy: Todd, that was unreasonable.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Todd, that was your only possession.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: I still got my pick.

[Todd throws the pick to the lake too. The same amount of water splashes on Christi and Don.] [Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: Guys, this has gone too far. We gotta tell him. We gotta tell him.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Tell me what?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: We were kidding around, Todd. Of course we know the song. You sing it like every time we get together.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: Yeah. We were just gonna join in in the last verse.

Eva: But you went crazy before we got there.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Here. You know what? I’ll play it.

[Cut to everybody. Christi takes her guitar out.]

Todd: Come on! You have your own guitar?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Yes, I do. Alright, let’s sing.

[Cut to everybody]

Apples, apples

Come on, Todd! Sing.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: No, I’m mad and my guitar’s gone and my pick.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: You did that, Todd. Not us.

[Cut to everybody]

Christi: Now, come on everybody.

Everybody: Apples, apples
you’re falling and growing and rolling and rotting and dying
in the usual way

Christi: Come on, Todd!

[Cut to Todd. He is angry but he’s nodding his head on the song.] [Todd joins the song]

Don: There he is.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: In the usual way,
in the usual way

[Todd starts dancing] [cheers and applause]

2020 Democratic Debate

Rachel Maddow… Melissa Villaseñor

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Joe Biden… Woody Harrelson

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Tom Steyer… Will Ferrell

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Tulsi Gabbard… Cecily Strong

[Starts with MSNBC intro]

Announcer: And now MSNBC’s special coverage of the democratic debate.

[Cut to the MSNBC debate set] [Cheers and applause] [Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Hello. I am Rachel Maddow and we are live from Tyler Perry studios in Atlanta. So, hello and good afternoon. I want to start the debate with the question on everyone’s mind—who can beat Donald Trump?

[Cut to the people competing]

Elizabeth Warren: Me, me, me. My hand—my hand went up first.

[Cut to Rachel Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: That’s not how it works, but go ahead.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Right, right, right. Look, I know in past debates, I’ve been accused of being overambitious, right? I’ve got mom hosting thanksgiving energy. I’m a little overwhelmed ‘cause I thought ten people were coming and now there’s 30 million. But I promise dinner will be ready if you just get out of the kitchen and stop asking questions. And of course, this thanksgiving I will be cooking my specialty. Maybe don’t say it. The food of my ancestors. Should I say it? I’m going to say it—Maize.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, that’s a good one, Liz.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Sounds like you’re in a good mood tonight, senator Harris.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I am. I am. The fun is back, baby. America’s fun aunt. I’m also America’s cool aunt. The C—you know what? Let’s not do that. Tonight, I’m not going to worry about the polling numbers. I’m just going to have fun and see if I can get some viral moments. Mama needs a ‘gif’. Gonna tell my kids this is Michelle Obama. [Cut to a twitter meme] [Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mayor Pete, you’re looking adorable tonight in your little suit.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Thank you. Thank you. It’s from my first communion.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: You’re polling at zero with black voters. Any idea why?

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Maybe just because of like this.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders, you’re looking—

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cheers and applause] I want to begin by thanking you all for the well wishes. I did have a heart attack-ack-ack-ack. So, you ought to know by now, I’m doing better than ever. Doctors were surprised I made it. And I’m very proud of the fact that I was the first heart attack patient to show up in the emergency room in a city bus.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Let’s go now to senator Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar] [Cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: Thank you Rachel. I know some of you think I’m shaking because I’m nervous, but that’s just my signature quivering bang. It’s my spidey sense that tingles whenever we need a moderate to say, “Girl, we can’t pay for that.”

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Vice president Biden, you’re flashing your teeth at me?

[Cut to Joe Biden] [Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: I just want everyone to know America, I see you. And I see the faces you all make when I talk. You’re scared. Scared I’ll say something off-color or even worse—on color. What I want you to know is you should be scared because I’m always one second away from calling Cory Booker ‘Barack’.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: Okay, I’d like to respond, but first because this is the only time I’ll be talking I just want to say black church, barber shops, greens, beans, tomatoes, potatoes. Now to vice president Biden, I was stunned to hear you don’t support the legalization of marijuana. In fact, rehearsed joke, I thought you were high when you said it.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Let me tell you a story from my youth, or maybe from a movie or a cartoon. It was with a buddy of mine who got so whacked on the sticky-icky kush, he says, “I’ve a great idea. We ought to go to white castle.” Next thing you know, Kumar and I are driving around high as kites with Neil Patrick Harris and that’s before he was gay. That’s why I never puffed the stuff.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Andrew Yang who I can tell is already mad he hasn’t talked yet.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: No, not at all. It’s me Andrew Yang. I want to say what up to my yang gang? Hey, what do you say we get a yang gang bang going, huh? I want to take this opportunity to announce my VP, the new Tesla cyber truck.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Tom Steyer.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Hi, guys. I’m billionaire Tom Steyer. And I’m running for president for a simple reason—it’s fun. And it gets me out of the house.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: I’m sorry, Mr. Steyer. My producers are telling me you have to blink.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I have to do what?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Blink. You have to blink at some point.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Oh, no, I do not. And I will not.

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Did somebody say billionaire?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: No. Mayor Bloomberg, how did you get in here?

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I tipped the doorman $30 million.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Does this mean you are officially running for president?

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. I’d be heard to beat. I’d love to see Trump supporters come up with a conspiracy theory  about a Jewish billionaire with his own media company. Good luck making that stick.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: And let’s introduce underdog candidate and tonight’s villain, Tulsi Gabbard.

[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]

Tulsi Gabbard: Thank you, Rachel. What an honor it is to be on this stage with my fellow candidates. I want you to know that I smell your fear and it makes me stronger. I’m wearing the white suit of your fallen hero Hillary Clinton. Now fight me, cowards.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Harris, would you like to respond?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Tulsi, I’m going to be real with you. You scare the hell our of me. You just gave me Ermahgerd, Gersbermps. [Posing for a meme] [Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Our next question is for senator Klobuchar. Do you think you can get the funding to stay in this race?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: I know I can. I’ve got $17,000 from ex-boyfriends. All I had to do was threaten to come back in their lives.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. That brings us to tonight’s next topic which is health care.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders presses the buzzer first. Elizabeth Warren is trying the buzzer more than one time.] [Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. I don’t know how you got buzzers, but Bernie rang in first.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Here’s my plan for health care. No co-pay. No out of pocket. The only thing that comes out of my pockets are tissues, receipts, loose cough drops, a movie stub for ‘Florence Foster Jenkins’ which is so-so. And of course, the little button in the baggie that comes with the pants. Most people throw it out. Do yourself a favor. Hold onto it. You never know.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, you look like you have something to say.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I want to speak directly to you, America. [Tom Steyer starts walking towards the camera] Health care is important, but housing affects everything.—where you sleep, where you shop, where you get your shoes shined, where you buy jewels, where you raise peacocks. Am I relatable?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, I’m gonna need you to take a step back.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Sorry. Am I too close?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Did somebody say too close? Brother, like your style. Look, I’m supported by that same coalition that elected Obama. Blafrican Americans. Even the Mexitinos and the Chorientals. Heck, the only black woman ever elected to the senate endorsed me.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Excuse me? No, no, Joe. There have been two black women elected to the senate and that second black woman— it me.

[Cut to a tiktok video where Kamala Harris is doing her dance] [Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Is there still time for me to come in late and ruin everything?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: No. We have to move on to closing statements.

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Wait, I need to quickly throw in some Spanish, because Miguel Bloomberg is En Guego.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. That counts as good-bye for you. We’ll now move on to Mayor Buttigieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: America, I know I can do this because my supporters are a diverse coalition from young to old, gay to straight, white to eggshell. Thank you.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Tulsi Gabbard, time for your closing statement.

[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]

Tulsi Gabbard: I have no interest in those Dalmatian puppies. [laughing evilly] I yield my time.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Klobuchar?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Look, I could say a lot about the issues we have talked about tonight, but the sad thing is you’re not listening to a word I’m saying because you’re just watching my hair dance on my forehead. Excuse me, my eyes are down here, not up here.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Warren that brings us to you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Hey, hey, here’s the thing, guys. It’s November and it’s cussing season. You’re single in your late 30s and I’m a solid option. If it’s Marry, “F”, kill I’m aware I’m not the “F”, but I’m definitely not the kill. So come on, America, put a ring on it.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: As many of you know, a lot of my opponents like to throw the word “Socialist” around for me. But let me ask you, is it fair that only the top 2% often get a free Biscotti with their coffee? We would all love a free Biscotti. You dip it. You dunk it and it’s delicious. So, if it’s socialism, sign me up. Tell me this. Is it fair that when the top 2% want to turn off the lights in their bedroom all they have to do is clap? They’ve got the clappers. Shouldn’t we all have clappers? Either everybody has a clapper or nobody has a clapper, and that’s the America I want to live in.

[Cheers and applause] [Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Vice president Joe Biden?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: The hearings have made it clear. That Donald Trump doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Vladimir Putin doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Nobody in America wants me to be the nominee. But I am confident I can win the election in 2016.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: And senator Harris, your closing statement?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: The democratic party needs to stop taking black women for granted, specifically one black woman—me. I mean ,come on. You said you would vote for me. [Poses for a meme] [Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Well, that’s all the time we have. Tom, take us out.

[Cut to the speakers]

Tom Steyer: [High-fiving everyone] Good game, good game. Good game, good game.