Workout Class

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

Megan Thee Stallion

Keely… Heidi Gardner

Kelly K… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Ego entering a gym. There are other people working out in there.]

Ego: Hey, excuse me. Is this Butt Day at Studio Thick Thighs and Nasty Romp?

Bowen: If it’s 9AM on a Thursday, then yeah.

Ego: Well, it’s 10 on Saturday.

Bowen: Oh. We know it’s asked and you’ll love the teacher. Everyone calls her Sargent Cake.

Ego: Oh, great. Because I’m getting married in a month and I’m trying to drag a wagon down the aisle.

Megan: Attention. For those of you who want to get that booty booty booty booty rocking everywhere, you came to the right place.  We want to get those booties ready for Halloween. Whether you’re dressing up as a sexy witch with a fat ass or a first responder with a fat ass.. Or even Jeffrey Dahmer with a— You know what I’m about to say.

All: Fat ass.

Megan: Alright. Time to sweat. Now, let’s start off in a squat and pump and pump. Now remember, with big ass comes big responsibility. If you need a modified version, turn your eyes to Keely and Kelly K.

Keely: That’s right. Any of you looking to not get a butt today, look our way. I’m Keely and that’s Kelly K. And we don’t have butts.

Kelly K: That’s right. We go from back to leg.

Keely: Y’all ever drive from Kansas to Iowa? That’s our ass.

Ego: Oh my God. They literally have no buts.

Bowen: Yeah, it’s like actually spooky.

Megan: Hey, not everybody has been butt blessed. So if you wanna go over and see Keely and Kelly K, I won’t be offended.

Ego: No. I truly want my wedding dress seems to be splitting.

Megan: Okay, well, now I’m about to end this class before we go to bed and sit on your ass. Now drop low. Drop it low. Drop it low.

Keely: And once again for my flat butt army, drop it high. Drop it high. Drop it high.

Megan: Big booty hoes, wiggle with that, wiggle with that.

Kelly K: Tiny booty hoes, get little with it, get little with it. Little, little, little, little. Sag the ass, release the tension. Sag the ass, release the tension.

Sarah: Sag the ass? I’m paying $40 to sag the ass?

Bowen: What is that even accomplishing?

Megan: Alright. For you big bum bitches, it’s time to get those wastes out. And I don’t want to see you grabbing quarter pounders. I want to see you slanging 10 pounders.

Keely: Every pancake nation, grab your weights which are your own thumbs and drop it low, drop it low. Get sexy with it. Drop it low.

Megan: Alright, my apple bottoms, grab your knees and work it. Grab your knees and working.

Kelly K: And for my weak little girlies, grab your partner and punch them in the butt. She’s your best friend, so smash that ass down.

Ego: That can’t be a real exercise.

Bowen: Yeah, I’m really regretting purchasing this a year in advance.

Megan: Alright. It seems like some of y’all getting tempted to leave me for tortilla booty worldwide over there. I mean, look how cure those little panini girls are.

Kelly K: Attention. Ham slice legion, light it up.

Keely: Oh, oh, light it up. That’s right my baby bootays. If you feel our micro cheeks bump bump your back, you’re in the gang. Cheek cheek, your in the gang. Cheek cheek, your in the gang.

Sarah: Stop. You guys are like, wiping your asses on us dead real.

Ego: Ah-ah-ah, don’t even think about it. I’ll sue your flat ass.

Megan: Come on, y’all. Be nice. Keely and Kelly K are my friends. They took my class for six years.

Ego: Then you should give them their money back.

Keely: Wow. And the body shaming continues. But you’re right. We have ugly flat butts. Sorry we’re not Kardas-skins (Kardashians).

Kelly K: Our backsides are basically paper plates. We weren’t gifted with the genetics of Iggy Amellia (Iggy Azelea).

Keely: Maybe we should just leave.

Megan: No. Your depleted whoopy cushions aren’t going anywhere. In fact, I’m going to let you lead the class and erase all these asses.

Keely and Kelly K: Thanks Sargent Cake.

Kelly K: Hit our music

Keely: And if you think this is a Pirates of the Caribbean music, you’re totally right. Now…

Mirror Workout

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Nathan… Nick Jonas

Crissa… Heidi Gardner

Shannon… Kate McKinnon

Azuzal… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Chris and Mikey in their apartment]

Chris: So, how does this thing work again?

Mikey: It’s a workout mirror. So, the instructors are in it. You just do what they do. It’s supposed to be awesome.

Chris: Oh, that’s sick. I’m gonna get so jacked.

Mikey: Yeah. I know, man. Like, the bike, the rowing machine, the treadmill, none of that stuff worked. But this definitely will.

Chris: Well, let’s do it, man.

[Mikey turns the mirror on. Nathan appears on it.]

Nathan: What’s up? Welcome to your first mirror workout. You ready to work?

Chris and Mikey: Yeah!

Nathan: That’s what I thought. Today, we’re gonna be doing Mikey0 second interval training. We’ll be cycling through trainers. So, let’s go. Let’s do this. I’m Nathan. And you’re going to make some major gains. I’m your man.

Mikey: Yo, dude, I love this already.

Chris: We’re gonna get so yo.

[Crissa appears on the mirror.]

Crissa: And I’m Crissa, cardio queen. I’m here to make you sweat. You’re going to hate me by the end of this. But I love that.

Mikey: Oh, dude, Crissa’s gonna kick our ass. I can feel it.

Chris: Man, these people are great, man. They get me pumped up.

[Shannon appears on the mirror. She is an old woman]

Shannon: My name is Shannon Delgado. I am trapped inside of the mirror. I am in a cold black void. If you can hear me, please help me undo the curse.

Chris: What the hell was that about?

Mikey: Yeah. I don’t know, man. But Nathan’s back. Let’s do this.

Nathan: Alright, dudes. Pick up those weights. It’s bicep curls. Make sure you get a full extension. Swirl is the goal. Let’s go.

Mikey: Yo, this is tight.

Chris: It’s definitely cool. My only question is like, who is Shannon Delgado?

Crissa: Hey, ya’ll! It’s time for high-steps. I know it sucks but just remember you’re earning that guacamole later.

Mikey: Oh, dude, you know I’m a guac freak.

Chris: Oh man, you know I am too. Oh, no. She’s back.

[Shannon is standing there with paper bags full of groceries]

Shannon: Hello again, it’s me, Shannon Delgado. Here is what happened to me. I was rude to a fortune teller and now I am here. I need you to call my husband, Ron Delgado, and tell him not to get remarried. I don’t have much time. I am being watched.

Chris: Okay, now she’s got her stuff with her. I’m kind of worried about Shannon Delgado, man.

Mikey: Yo, what I’m worried about is my gains. When’s my man Nathan coming back?

Nathan: Time for tricep kickbacks. Nathan arms, that’s what you want? You gotta do it like this. Also, pro-tip, don’t listen to Shannon Delgado. She’s a liar. Let’s go.

Chris: Wait, he can hear us?

Mikey: Dude, focus on your form.

Shannon: There’s no food in here. Sometimes they lay out a beautiful feast but it twinkles in a way that lets me know that it’s cursed. Once they gave me a beautiful meatball subs. I took a bite and I looked down and it was a rat.

[Azuzal slides in behind Shannon. He’s a guy wearing a red robe with long sharp nails.]

Azuzal: Work.

Shannon: Yes, yes. Apologies, Azuzal. Azuzal guards the gateway.

Azuzal: Work. Stretch.

Shannon: Yes, of course, Azuzal. So, just pull your arm across chest, guys.

Mikey: Oh, okay. So, she does like stretching I guess. Alright, that makes sense.

Chris: No, it doesn’t. And who is Azuzal?

Nathan: Alright. Now, it’s time for the fun stuff. We’re doing a mixtape. New move, new song. Start with me and Jason Derulo. Squads!

Mikey: Oh dude, these are tough, man. Ass to the grass, right?

Crissa: My turn. Let’s do some punches. Time to pump it up raise the glass.

Chris: I do love this.

Mikey: As long as it’s not squats, dude. I’m happy.

Shannon: [scared of Azuzal] Breathe into the stretch.

Azuzal: Work, my Shannon!

Mikey: Alright, full disclosure, man. I like Nathan and Crissa. I’m just not really feeling Shannon Delgado or Azuzal.

Chris: I’m kind of team Shannon. I hope she’s okay.

Nathan: Alright, yo. Let’s recover. Let’s roll out these shoulders. Nice.

[Shannon quietly walks pass behind Nathan]

Chris: Yo, Shannon Delgado is trying to get away.

Nathan: What? Oh, no. Azuzal, she’s not in her frame. Quick! She’s disobeying.

[Azuzal also walks pass behind Nathan]

Chris: Dude, Nathan is on Azuzal’s side.

Nathan: Alright yo, let’s take a deep breath. Roll it out, all sweaty. Praise to Azuzal. And workout done. Nice job.

Mikey: Nice, dude. I actually already feel gains.

Nathan: Y’all killed it today. Give yourselves a “Hell yeah!”

Chris and Mikey: Hell yeah!

Crissa: Give yourselves a “We freakin did it!”

Chris and Mikey: We freakin did it!

Shannon: Give yourselves “Infectus dome zu!”

Chris: A what?

Mikey: Infectus dome zu!

[lightning appears inside the apartment]

Chris: What the hell? Oh, dude! The power went out or something? What?

[Shannon is in place of Mikey now. She is standing beside Chris in the apartment.]

Shannon: It worked. It worked. I’m free. Ron, I’m coming.

[Mikey is inside the mirror now and Azuzal is behind him]

Mikey: No! No, why am I in here?

Azuzal: You are Shannon now. Work!

RBG Workout

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Working Out at Home intro] [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg in her home. She has a poster with “RBG’S Workout Corner” written on it]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Hello. I’m Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and I wanted to say heartfelt hello to everyone who’s stuck inside. I want to show you some exercise you can do while you’re in there just to stay, you know, fit and healthy. So, today we’re gonna be doing working all the major muscle groups of the body. That’ll be abs, gams, tuchus, chicken wings and critical thinking. So, let’s go. So, all you really need for a good home workout is a jump rope [showing a tiny rope] and some weights [showing earbuds].

You’ve got to remember to start by cleaning your equipment with one of these lysol wipes. [showing a wipe that’s size of a bed-sheet.] I’m tiny. They’re big. What are you gonna do?

I need my punching bags. [showing two teabags] Kavanaugh and Gorsuch. Alright, let’s go.

[Cut to Cardio session. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is doing jumping jacks.]

Gotta workout. Don’t want to gain the quarantine 15 ounces. And you got to eat healthy to stay healthy. Everyday I eat a half a chicken. Sorry, chick pea.  Half a chick pea.

You got to pee a little every time you move. That’s normal. That’s good. That’s the burn.

Social distancing is important. [kicking at the camera] Take it from me, I’ve been social distancing from Justice Alito since ’03. And that’s a Gins-burn!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a hip-hop beat] [Cut to Tuchus session. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is carrying one earbud on each of her hands and doing squats.] I’m very tough. I’m 87 years old. I survived cancer four times. I went to law school during the Spanish flu. Beat it.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg whispering in front of her cat]

That’s my trainer. If I mess up, he eats me. Scary guy.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg sitting with the support of her back on the wall]

If you’re wondering, I’m not using this time to relax. I’m actually training for the 2021 Olympics. I’m going to do mental gymnastics to figure out why they cut the pandemic response team in 2018. Gins-burn!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a hip-hop beat] [Cut to Flappers session. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is carrying one batter on each of her hands doing shoulder press.] So, for this I like to push myself with something really heavy. You got to get fit to push your thirst traps. I hope I crush these. Dr. Fauci, answer my DMs. [notification sound] That’s a slow burn.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a melodic beat.] [Cut to Stretch session. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is sitting on yoga mattress.]

Oh! Got to cool down now and stretch out with my foam roller. [Ruth Bader Ginsburg shows a piece of mostaccioli] It’s a piece of mostaccioli. Apparently, the virus came from the sick bat. Which makes me wonder, what was Giuliani doing in China?

Mitch McConnell said that the administration didn’t focus on the virus because they were too distracted by impeachment. I mean, are you in congress or parliament because your time line is funkadelic. Funk-me.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a funk music.] [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg standing in front of her ‘workout corner’ poster.]

Anyways, thanks for tuning in. And remember, stay healthy. All you need to do is one pushup. Push up is when you think, “Hey, it’s been two weeks. Maybe I’ll put on a bra.” And that’s a self-Gins-burn. Drop the beat!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a dance beat.] [The End]