Weekend Update NBA Vaccinations Disney World Turns 50

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of NBA logo and coronavirus vaccine with headline ‘Unvaccinated players not paid for missing games’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The NBA announced that unvaccinated players will not be paid for any games missed due to local vaccine mandates. But that won’t matter. NBA players have a long proud history of losing money because they refuse to use protection.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Glad I didn’t tell that joke. A new study finds that young adults with depression have a higher risk of dementia later in life. Which explains Billy Eilish’s upcoming album, “Where am I?”

[Picture changes to a bucket of paint and a brush]

Purdue University researchers have created the whitest paint on record. The paint is so white, I am his favorite part of SNL.

[audience laughing] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of eggs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A group of online SLUS are trying to track down individual who has been pelting Chicago residents with raw eggs. So, good news, Chicago may finally be running out of bullets.

[Picture changes to Walt Disney World castle]

This year marks the fifth year anniversary of Disney World. To celebrate turning 50, Disney has opened a new ride ‘Mr. Goofy’s Wild Colonoscopy’.

Weekend Update Jacob Silj on World Economic Forum

Colin Jost

Jacob Silj

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: President Trump spoke in the World Economic Forum on Thursday emphasizing his administration’s ‘America First’ policy. Joining us now to shed further light on the President’s message is the senior economic’s fellow at the Center for Strategic and International Studies at Georgetown, Jacob Silj.

[Jacob Silj slides in] [cheers and applause]

Jacob Silj: [speaking like he has memorized it] Thank you, Colin. The Trump White House sent the world mixed messages last week about the strength of the dollar. But the president speech made one thing crystal clear. Multilateralism will not–

Colin Jost: [interrupting] Okay, yeah, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry to interrupt.

Jacob Silj: What is it, Colin?

Colin Jost: It’s that. It’s just that you’re so, you know–

Jacob Silj: Passionate about this issue? Guilty as charged, Colin. Throw the book at me. And make sure that book is about the responsible custodianship of American global economic responsibilities.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, you don’t– You don’t have to shout.

Jacob Silj: Oh, my god! You did not seriously tell me to stop shouting.

Colin Jost: Yes. Yes. I did. You’re just being really, really loud.

Jacob Silj: Unbelievable. In this day and age, I happen to suffer from voice immodulation syndrome. A condition that prevents me from controlling the volume at which I speak. Voice immodulation syndrome, or VIS has been diagnosed in over zero people the United States alone. And while there still is no cure, laboratory rats with VIS do not exist.

Colin Jost: Okay. Yes. Yeesh! I got it.

Jacob Silj: Yeesh? Yeesh? Is this funny to you? I thought we were pass this. Is a wheel chair funny? Not unless there’s an injured clown in it. How about slavery, Colin? Is that funny to you? Maybe you’d like to sell your co-host over there [pointing at Michael Che] to one of your rich Harvard friend.

Michael Che: Ay! We don’t need to go there, man!

Jacob Silj: Excuse me, Michael Che. But I’m having a private quiet conversation with Colin right now.

Michael Che: Except can hear you.

Jacob Silj: Because I have a disease.

Colin Jost: Okay. Maybe you could just try to say some of the stuff in your head. No offense.

Jacob Silj: None taken. Geez, Jost, did that wig come with the suit? Good to know you have five dollars.

Colin Jost: Okay. This is my real hair, Jacob.

Jacob Silj: Everything after “None taken” was muttered under breath, Colin. You couldn’t hear it.

Colin Jost: Okay. I think we might have gotten off track a little bit.

Jacob Silj: Because of your insensitivity. Put yourself in my shoes, Colin. My life has been a waking nightmare. Imagine a childhood of crushing loneliness. Now, imagine that you’re older. And you actually find a woman who is able to see past your disease. And love the man inside. Then you go to make love for the first time. And there are your sex noises.

Colin Jost: No, we don’t need it.

[Jacob Silj is making his sex noises]

Jacob Silj: Years later, imagine you’re at the gym and there’s a male dancer working out. And you say to yourself, “Boy, I’d switch for him.” He hears you. Then he admits he’s attracted to you too. Next thing you know, you’re telling that wonderful wife of 20 years that you’re going to the gym but you’re really going to Troy’s apartment. You’re cheating on her with a man all because you can’t control how loud you talk.

Colin Jost: Wow! Well, yes. That sounds– That sounds very embarassing.

Jacob Silj: Very, Colin. Very embarassing.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I’m afraid we’re out of time. Jacob Silj, thank you for joining us.

Jacob Silj: [finally speaking in normal voice] My pleasure, Colin.

Colin Jost: Jacob Silj, everyone!

World’s Most Evil Invention

Bobby Moynihan

Dr. Microknox… Kyle Mooney

Baroness Antarctica… Sasheer Zamata

Roy… Dwayne Johnson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bobby speaking at the podium]

Bobby: Order, order, my colleagues and calamity. I hereby call to order the meeting of the international mad scientists society. As you know, it is time for the mad scientists society’s annual most evil invention in the world contest.

All: Hear, hear, evil!

Bobby: Yes. Esteemed evil doers. You have had all year to work in your secret laboratories on an evil invention that will shock the entire world with it’s dastardly design. Who is first?

[Dr. Microknox walks forward with a gun that looks futuristic]

Dr. Microknox: [Laughing] I am Dr. Microknox. And the most evil invention in the world is my shrink ray.

All: Ooh!

Dr. Microknox: It can reduce a monument to the size of a toy. I will have the eiffel tower on my key chain and Mt. Rushmore as a paper weight.

Bobby: [evil laughter] Very evil, Dr. Microknox. I guess bad things do come in small packages. [evil laughter] Who is next?

[Baroness Antarctica walks forward with her gun]

Baroness Antarctica: I am Baroness Antarctica. My entry for world’s most evil invention is the freeze ray.

All: Ooh!

Baroness Antarctica: I shall incase all the world’s most famous monuments in solid ice.

Bobby: [evil laughter] How chillingly evil. Okay, who is next?

[Roy walks in with a tin robot]

Roy: Hey. Hi, guys. My name is Roy. And for the most evil invention in the world contest, I invented a child molesting robot.

[All scientists are confused]

Bobby: I beg your pardon. What?

Roy: Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll speak up. It’s a robot that’s designed to molest children. And I call it Robochomo. You see, it’s powered by solar rechargeable fuel cells, cost pennies to manufacture and it can theoretically most twice as many children as a human molester in quite frankly half the time. So, um, do I win the contest? Seems like I win.

Baroness Antarctica: Oh, my god!

Roy: What’s wrong?

Baroness Antarctica: What’s wrong? My most evil idea was blizzard in July.

Roy: Right. Well, I went in a slightly different direction with the assignment.

Dr. Microknox: You built a mechanical sex predator.

Roy: Yes. Yes. yes. That’s exactly right. This guy gets it. You get it.

Dr. Microknox: Oh my god! No, I don’t!

Beck: How do you even build a child molesting robot?

Roy: Well, that’s a great question. What you do is you start by building a regular robot. Then you molest and hope it continues the cycle.

Beck: Dear lord almighty!

Dr. Microknox: That’s the most hideous thing I have heard in my life.

Roy: Oh, well. Thank you very much. You see, the shrink guy is with me all the way.

Dr. Microknox: Stop saying that.

Roy: You know, I want to remind you guys that in Webster’s dictionary, it defines evil as profoundly immoral.

Baroness Antarctica: We know what evil means.

Roy: Well, it doesn’t seem like you do because you built a freeze ray. I mean, Benito Mussolini used to force feed people castor oil until they literally died of diarrhea. I mean, that’s got to be there the goal posts are, right? Am I crazy or–?

Beck: I think someone should call the police.

Roy: Okay. Okay. Well, I think we all are getting hangry right now. Let’s break for lunch. I’ll buy you all a sandwich at the restaurant across the street.

Bobby: Get our of here now!

Roy: let’s just talk it over at the restaurant across the street with the medieval decor and the little miniature beef sandwiches.

Dr. Microknox: It’s a White Castle man! Just say White Castle. Who the hell calls White Castle a sandwich restaurant?

Roy: Okay. Well, you guys are mad. I’m sorry. I just wanted to win the contest. I guess I screwed up.

Bobby: No, Roy. You have nothing to apologize for. Yes, you made a robot that molests children. But you also made an important point here today. Things are always better with juicy beef and onion sandwiches from White Castle, America’s medieval sandwich restaurant.

[Cut to White Castle video bumper]

Male voice: White Castle, we’ll serve anybody!

Where in the World Is Kellyanne Conway?

Sasheer Zamata

Patrick Silva

Stephanie Malolo

Greg Lee

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: The following game show is brought to you by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. And by viewers like you.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Sasheer at her desk]

Sasheer: She hasn’t been seen in weeks. No one knows where she is or what she’s up to. Gum Shoes, your mission today is to answer this question.

Male voice: Where in the world is– Kellyanne Conway?

[Cut to guys singing melody]

Chris: [singing] Used to be on TV on like, every single panel

one day we all woke up but she was no longer there
what could have happened? She is not on any channels
tell me where in the world is–

Kenan: Kellyanne Conway!

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Let’s meet the Gum Shoes who can help us find her.

Male voice: He recently took a road trip across the country with his parents. [Patrick runs to his podium] He enjoys television and his friends. Meet Patrick Silva. And [Stephanie runs to her podium] she once saw a lizard at the zoo. She loves computers and lunch. Meet Stephanie Malolo.

Sasheer: I’m here to help them solve the case. It’s ACMI seior agent, Greg Lee.

[Greg Lee walks in]

Greg Lee: Hey, hey! Hey, Gum Shoes. Hope you’re excited. Today’s winner gets a trip for you and your mom to Sacramento. Now, are you guys ready to help us find Kellyanne Conway?

[Patrick and Stephanie look at each other]

Patrick: Well…

Stephanie: We don’t want to find her.

Greg Lee: Okay! Guess, that’s our show. [Melody singers come behind Greg Lee and start singing their melody] Seven weeks in a row and no one wants to find that woman.

Male voice: Where in the world is– Kellyanne Conway?