Dr. Microknox… Kyle Mooney
Baroness Antarctica… Sasheer Zamata
Roy… Dwayne Johnson
[Starts with Bobby speaking at the podium]
Bobby: Order, order, my colleagues and calamity. I hereby call to order the meeting of the international mad scientists society. As you know, it is time for the mad scientists society’s annual most evil invention in the world contest.
All: Hear, hear, evil!
Bobby: Yes. Esteemed evil doers. You have had all year to work in your secret laboratories on an evil invention that will shock the entire world with it’s dastardly design. Who is first?
[Dr. Microknox walks forward with a gun that looks futuristic]
Dr. Microknox: [Laughing] I am Dr. Microknox. And the most evil invention in the world is my shrink ray.
Dr. Microknox: It can reduce a monument to the size of a toy. I will have the eiffel tower on my key chain and Mt. Rushmore as a paper weight.
Bobby: [evil laughter] Very evil, Dr. Microknox. I guess bad things do come in small packages. [evil laughter] Who is next?
[Baroness Antarctica walks forward with her gun]
Baroness Antarctica: I am Baroness Antarctica. My entry for world’s most evil invention is the freeze ray.
Baroness Antarctica: I shall incase all the world’s most famous monuments in solid ice.
Bobby: [evil laughter] How chillingly evil. Okay, who is next?
[Roy walks in with a tin robot]
Roy: Hey. Hi, guys. My name is Roy. And for the most evil invention in the world contest, I invented a child molesting robot.
[All scientists are confused]
Bobby: I beg your pardon. What?
Roy: Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll speak up. It’s a robot that’s designed to molest children. And I call it Robochomo. You see, it’s powered by solar rechargeable fuel cells, cost pennies to manufacture and it can theoretically most twice as many children as a human molester in quite frankly half the time. So, um, do I win the contest? Seems like I win.
Baroness Antarctica: Oh, my god!
Roy: What’s wrong?
Baroness Antarctica: What’s wrong? My most evil idea was blizzard in July.
Roy: Right. Well, I went in a slightly different direction with the assignment.
Dr. Microknox: You built a mechanical sex predator.
Roy: Yes. Yes. yes. That’s exactly right. This guy gets it. You get it.
Dr. Microknox: Oh my god! No, I don’t!
Beck: How do you even build a child molesting robot?
Roy: Well, that’s a great question. What you do is you start by building a regular robot. Then you molest and hope it continues the cycle.
Beck: Dear lord almighty!
Dr. Microknox: That’s the most hideous thing I have heard in my life.
Roy: Oh, well. Thank you very much. You see, the shrink guy is with me all the way.
Dr. Microknox: Stop saying that.
Roy: You know, I want to remind you guys that in Webster’s dictionary, it defines evil as profoundly immoral.
Baroness Antarctica: We know what evil means.
Roy: Well, it doesn’t seem like you do because you built a freeze ray. I mean, Benito Mussolini used to force feed people castor oil until they literally died of diarrhea. I mean, that’s got to be there the goal posts are, right? Am I crazy or–?
Beck: I think someone should call the police.
Roy: Okay. Okay. Well, I think we all are getting hangry right now. Let’s break for lunch. I’ll buy you all a sandwich at the restaurant across the street.
Bobby: Get our of here now!
Roy: let’s just talk it over at the restaurant across the street with the medieval decor and the little miniature beef sandwiches.
Dr. Microknox: It’s a White Castle man! Just say White Castle. Who the hell calls White Castle a sandwich restaurant?
Roy: Okay. Well, you guys are mad. I’m sorry. I just wanted to win the contest. I guess I screwed up.
Bobby: No, Roy. You have nothing to apologize for. Yes, you made a robot that molests children. But you also made an important point here today. Things are always better with juicy beef and onion sandwiches from White Castle, America’s medieval sandwich restaurant.
[Cut to White Castle video bumper]
Male voice: White Castle, we’ll serve anybody!