Tag: Year

First Warm Day of the Year Red Carpet Cold Open

Dana Banes… Heidi Gardner

Jace L. Rio… Bowen Yang

Male voice: Live from Central Park, it’s the First Warm day Of the Year Arrivals Show.

Dana: Well folks, it’s mid April here in New York City. And the temperature hit 90 degrees this week, a full two months ahead of schedule. And while that may be terrifying on a climate level, the warm weather can only mean one thing. All the freaks, crazies and weirdos are heading to Central Park. And we’re expecting to see some iconic Park People today, aren’t we Jace?

Jace: We sure are, Dana. The mood here is electric. The smell of Halal food and horse manure is in the air. As I see, yes, I think it’s him. An absolute icon of the park, it’s an older man doing an aggressive power walk.

Mikey: Hi there.

Jace: First, dish on this outfit.

Mikey: Certainly. I’m wearing the tightest spandex shirt of all time. Little shorts and a weird Heart Rate Monitor strapped my arm.

Jace: Iconig. Can you give us a little preview of your walk?

Mike: Absolutely. [Mike starts walking around Jace] Behind you. Behind you. Behind you. On your left. Behind you. And there it is.

Jace: Wow. Gorgeous. Dana.

Dana: Well, Jace, I am starstruck right now as I am joined by not one but two perverts who came to the park to pleasure themselves.

Michael: Nice to be out of the subway.

Dana: I bet. Excited for the big day?

James: Oh, yeah, I got my modesty blanket and my binoculars. So I’m good to go.

Dana: Where should the police been looking for you?

Michael: Oh, come on, you know what to find your boys. In the bushes, baby.

Dana: Any new techniques this year?

James: Oh, just one. [He takes his real hand out of the coat. The hand in his pocket is a fake one.]

Dana: Oh my god. Is that a fake arm?

James: Yeah, yeah, it’s a fake arm.

Dana: Wow. Shame on you both. Jace?

Jace: Well, we were hoping she’d make an appearance. It’s a woman learning to rollerblade.

Molly: Yeah, I’ve always wanted to learn and I thought what better place than on a crowded pathway filled with thousands of people?

Jace: Horrible plan. Let’s see what you got.

Molly: Here I go. Oh, my God. [she falls down]

Jace: And she fell right away. Dana?

Dana: Well, look who I found, two have central parks finest, park employees who do not care about their job. How are you guys feeling?

Devon: We are very high right now. Yeah. Thank you for asking.

Dana: Amazing. Any warnings for those who violate park rules?

Punkie: You do you?

Dana: Inspiring words. Jace, I hear you spotted an absolute legend.

Jace: Well, I hope she’ll stop to talk. It’s a lady trying to tell someone where she is.

Ego: [on phone] Well, I don’t see you, bitch. Bitch, I’m right where I said I’d be. By the big tree. The big tree near the bridge. [walks out]

Jace: Oh, just Mr. Dana.

Dana: He is back. It’s a grown man with a drone who’s alone.

Andrew: Hey there.

Dana: And you won’t be filming girls laying out sunbathing, will you?

Andrew: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Nah.

Dana: I don’t believe you. Now, Jace, this guy is bad. But I hear you’re with one of the worst park people of all.

Jace: I sure am. It’s a guy with the clipboard who wants to know if you have a second for a good cause? Now people absolutely hate you. Can you tell us why?

Marcello: Well, I think it’s because I zero in on folks trying to enjoy themselves and pester them for money.

Jace: Absolutely. Can we see that in action?

Marcello: You bet. [Mikey walks in] Hey, cool shirt.

Mikey: No, no, no, no.

Marcello: Hey, come on. If you have a second for a good cause.

Mikey: I already donated.

Marcello: Come on, it’s two seconds.

Mikey: I’ve already done this before.

Jace: What an absolute pain in the ass. Dana.

Dana: It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s crazy man with the microphone.

Kenan: Good to be back for another year.

Dana: And I see you brought a lady friend with you?

Kenan: Yes, I sure did. This woman will be debating the nonsense that I scream as if I’m a rational man whose mind can be changed.

Dana: Can we get a preview?

Kenan: Oh of course.

Sarah: Our pleasure.

Kenan: Big Pharma created the Coronavirus.

Sarah: That is baloney.

Kenan: I got herpes from 5g.

Sarah: It is not even possible.

Kenan: So something like that.

Dana: Wow. I can’t tell who annoys me more. Jace?

Jace: Well, we’ve been waiting for her to arrive. It’s wealthy woman and child. And I got to ask, what’s the plan today?

Chloe: Well I’m taking Riley here to the playground where I’ll snap into an immediate panic if I lose sight of him for even one second. [the boy is missing already] Riley? [yelling] Riley?

Jace: Oh no.

[Ego walks in still talking on the phone]

Ego: Well, I still don’t see you. You know what? I’m done looking for your bitch. You come find me. I’ll be on the grass in a red bikini getting my ass some sun.

Jace: Well, we’ve got plenty more park people coming up including a woman with a giant out of control dog and a performance by some a whole playing an acoustic guitar. Keep it here and live-

Ego: I see you right now. Okay girl, I’m coming.

Jace and Dana: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- Cup Noodles’ Breakfast Flavor, 89-Year-Old Named Oldest Surfer

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Stars with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Apple logo.]

Colin Jost: Apple has launched a new feature called Pay Later that lets users spread out payments for apps over the course of six weeks. And this is also launched my new favorite insult, “Yo mama so poor she put candy crush on layaway.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Drinking water safe after chemical spill.”]

Michael Che: After a recent chemical spill in the Delaware River, Philadelphia officials say the city’s drinking water is finally safe. Unless it’s been handed to you by this Philadelphian. [Picture changes to Bill Cosby.]

You don’t like safety precautions?

Cup Noodles has introduced a new breakfast version of the instant ramen that mixes the flavors of sausage, maple syrup, pancakes and eggs. The flavor will be called ‘mom left’. I like this crowd a lot, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “89 year old man named world’s oldest surfer.”

Colin Jost: Yeah, me too. Agreed. Agreed. An 89 year old Japanese man has been recognized as the oldest male surfer ever. He truly embodies the surfing lifestyle because every part of his body hangs loose.

[Picture changes to New York city]

New York City is expected to end the winter with the lowest snowfall on record. You lying son of a bitch.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Staten Island sewer rescue.”]

Michael Che: New York City Fire Department rescued five children who got themselves lost in the Staten Island sewer system. Well, it’s hard to believe that a place that filthy and disgusting also has a sewer system.

Built the bear has introduced a new RuPaul doll. And honestly, after a few beers, I would.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a comfort station.]

Colin Jost: New York city officials announced that they will stop calling the city’s Park bathrooms “Comfort stations,” and will instead call them the more accurate – stank shacks.

Doctors in Nepal saved a man after he inserted a water glass into his rectum for sexual gratification and it got stuck. But I think the man actually felt positive about the experience because he said the glass was half full.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “First dispensary owned by woman opens.”]

Michael Che: The first legal marijuana dispensary owned by a woman has opened in Queens, New York. [cheers and applause] Unfortunately, they had to shut down because she couldn’t open the weed jars on her own.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Sperm donor sued for increasing risk of accidental incest.”]

Colin Jost: A sperm donor in the Netherlands who allegedly fathered more than 500 children is being sued for increasing the risk of accidental incest among the kids. Accidental incest is also the title of the worst American Pie sequel.

Weekend Update Biden Presidency Enters Year 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

President Biden mark the end of his first year in office with the two hour press conference, because that’s how long it took to list everything that’s gone wrong. It was actually the longest presidential press conference in history. But as I’ve been told many times before, just because you went for a long time, doesn’t mean you did a good job.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyrsten Sinema at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senate Republicans lined up to shake Kyrsten Sinema’s hand after she voted against changing the filibuster to pass voting rights. Ah, the US Senate, keeping black folks down with a quiet handshakes since 1787. Senator Bernie Sanders suggested that he supports replacing fellow Democrats Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema. Damn Bernie, stabbing your own co-workers in the back as unforgiveable. I would never suggest Colin should be fired no matter how much better I think Bowen would be.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Several Trump White House staff members told the January 6th committee that if Trump made an unscripted statement in the middle of the attack, he would have made the situation worse. And I think that’s a pretty sound argument. No one has ever been like, “You know, who would be perfect to de-escalate the situation? Donald Trump.” Like, if he was trying to talk someone off a ledge, he’d be like, “Don’t jump. Even though your wife left you like a dog. This would be the perfect way to get back at her.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Glenn Youngkin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On his first day in office, Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin signed an executive order banning the teaching of critical race theory, which really isn’t that surprising coming from a guy who dresses like Leo in “Django unchained”.

[Picture changes to a person getting COVID vaccine shot]

A new study shows that the COVID vaccine does not cause infertility in men or women. Dammit, why did I get this?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Britain’s most eligible bachelor Prince Andrew officially deleted his Twitter account after he realized that’s not the app with all the dancing teenagers. [Picture changes to TikTok logo]

Weekend Update- LaVar Ball on Lonzo’s Year

Michael Che

LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The NBA Playoff started today and one team that won’t be playing is the Los Angeles Lakers and their rookie Lonzo Ball. Here to comment is Lonzo’s outspoken father, LaVar Ball.

[LaVar Ball slides in] [cheers and applause]

LaVar Ball: Alright. Okay. How you doing, Michael? Me? I’m incredible. What a year for Lonzo.

Michael Che: I mean, he did fine.

LaVar Ball: Fine? Stop talking out your neck. My boy averaged 50 points a game.

Michael Che: No, he didn’t.

LaVar Ball: 100 assists. 500 touchdowns. And he was just certified 100% fresh by Rotten Tomatoes. Never lost.

Michael Che: Well, Lonzo actually averaged 10 points a game making him not even a best rookie on his own team. Kyle Kuzma averaged way more point than that.

LaVar Ball: [squeaky voice] Man, don’t– don’t do me about no Kyle Kuzma. He just keeping that seed warm on that Laker bench until my other sons get there. LiAngelo, Lamelo and my long lost Mexican son, LaBibliya-teka.

Michael Che: Now, none of your sons are projected to be NBA draft picks.

LaVar Ball: Lies!

Michael Che: I also read that you started your own league for young players called The Junior Basketball Association?

LaVar Ball: You damn right! My own league. Only real ballers need apply. You think you got what it takes? Then bring your A game to tryout this week at the first Korean Baptist church at Temecula. Cuz the JBA will feature the future all stars of America.

Michael Che: Do you have any top high school players signed up?

LaVar Ball: Not a one. But we got some hot prospects. We got a kid who can drain buckets like you wouldn’t believe. He’s athletic. He’s quick. And he’s 51 years old and he’s my cousin. We also got a mailman wearing compression socks, a Dominican dishwasher in blue jeans, and just to keep things interesting, an unclaimed rottweiler running around all willy-nilly.

Michael Che: You’re hoping this league will be like the NBA?

LaVar Ball: Oh, man. It’s gonna be better than the NBA. Players in my JBA will live the big baller lifestyle. You’ll be taken around the country courtesy of pizza pan bus line, where you will stay at a hotel so super they named it A. Free cable. No NBO. Every room exits to the street. And a contenti-nental breakfast with up to three cereals fresh from the screw tap. Regular mini-wheats only. Never frosted. Never with the frost.

Michael Che: Starting a league is tough. What makes you think you’ll be successful?

LaVar Ball: Because I’m the best businessman in the world. I’m currently worth $1 brillion. Let me show you my latest venture, Michael. You got a pair of big baller Zo-To? Well, you don’t have the hottest shoe of the summer. Presenting the Zo-T-Bop. [LaVar Ball pulls out a pair of sandals] That’s right. [Michael Che laughing]

Michael Che: Oh, yeah.

LaVar Ball: Only $500 a pair. Light weight. Breathable. And with a back strap that will leave your heel raw as hell. Never enough bandaids. Never enough band to the aids.

Michael Che: Man, those are just sandals.

LaVar Ball: Man, you say tomato, I say this tomato costs $500. And these are more than shoes, Michael. Look at em’. The sole gets as hot as the Devil’s booty hole. You could fry egg on em’. As a matter of fact! [LaVar Ball pulls out another sandal to the pair. There’s a poached egg on it.] This one is ready, Michael! You want an egg?

Michael Che: Sure!

LaVar Ball: That will be $6,000.

Michael Che: No! LaVar Ball, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.