Jon Snow… Kit Harington
Ygritte (White Walker)… Heidi Gardner
Sam… Kyle Mooney
Gilly… Cecily Strong
Tormund Giantsbane… Mikey Day
Hodor… Beck Bennett
[Starts with game of thrones intro]
Narrator: Game Of Thrones, the final season. [Cut to different movie clips from Game of Throne series] Only six episodes remain until we say goodbye to HBO’s thrilling saga. But the journey continues with prequels, sequels and spinoffs. [Cut to trailer of Castle Black] Like “Castle Black”, a sexy moody drama about forbidden love.
[Cut to Jon Snow drinking wine]
Ygritte: Hey. [Ygritte as a white walker comes in]
Jon Snow: You came.
[Cut to Ygritte]
Ygritte: Yeah. And you promised that when winter came you would tell your friends about me, about us. Well, winter is here, Jon.
[Cut to Jon Snow]
Jon Snow: It’s not that simple. You’re dead.
[Cut to Ygritte]
Ygritte: You were dead too.
[Cut to Jon Snow. He stands up emotionally.]
Jon Snow: That was different and you know it. [Ygritte starts opening her clothes] What are you doing? Stop. Stop that.
Ygritte: This is what you want, isn’t it? Come take it. [Ygritte is only skeleton inside her clothes] [Laughter]
Narrator: And check out everyone’s favorite [Cut to video clip of Arya Stark from Game of Thrones] assassin in cartoon form. [Cut to video clip of Arya in cartoon form] It’s Arya.
[Cut to cartoon. A boy is talking to Arya in the hallway of school.]
Cartoon Boy: Hey, Arya, are you going to dance with the faceless man? [Arya stabs the boy’s neck with her needle sword and kills him.]
[Cut to Arya]
Cartoon Arya: A girl is going with her friends.
[Cut to promotion video clips of The Queen of King’s Landing]
Narrator: And if you’re looking for laughs, you’ll love Sam and Gilly in “The Queen of King’s Landing”.
[Cut to Sam in the kitchen. Gilly walks inside later with her baby]
Gilly: Sam, what happened to the kitchen? [Cut to Gilly] Were we attacked by the free folk?
[Cut to Sam]
Sam: Even worse. I tried to make dinner.
[Cut to Sam and Gilly]
[Cut to different promotional video clips]
Narrator: Plus it’s going to be a game of crossovers with shows like [A picture of Cersei appears] Cersei and the City, [Cut to pictures of Grey Worm, Lord Verys, Theon Greyjoy] No ballers, [Cut to pictures of Mellisandre] The Marvelous Mrs. Mellisandre, and [Cut to dragons breathing fire] Dragons aren’t the only ones spitting fire on. [Cut to intro of Wildling Out] Wildling Out.
[Cut to rap battle between Wildlings]
Tormund Giantsbane: This white bitch know he can’t stop me. Yo, why y’all got me out here battling bootleg king Joffrey?
[Cut to promotion video clips of HBO KIDS shows]
Narrator: And over on HBO kids, we got family friendly shows like Dire Guys and Hodor’s house.
[Cut to Hodor is holding the door from the inside]
Hodor: Hodor! [Hodor leaves the door and smiles] [Cut to flowers laughing at Hodor]
[Cut to promotion video clips of Game of Thrones Special Victims Unit]
Narrator: And franchises collide in our new procedural, “GOT SVU”.
[Cut to detectives in a crime scene wearing similar clothes to the Game of Thrones]
Male Detective: You tell me some sick son of a bitch cuts his thing off.
Female detective: Yes.
Male Detective: Then fed it to his dog?
Female detective: Seems so.
Male Detective: Then gauze the man’s eyes out.
Female detective: Yeah.
Male Detective: Then fed in his own eyes?
Female detective: Bingo
[Cut to detectives and a human corpse]
Male Detective: then wore his dead skin to an orgy.
Female detective: Ding ding.
Male Detective: Then got busy in the holes where his eyes used to be?
Female detective: Circle gets the square.
[Cut to outro of Game of thrones]
Narrator: Game of thrones. We’re going full “Star Wars” on this.